Silent calls, hangups, a year after...

[cj488]

I'm now receiving silent calls with hangups more than a year after a dramatic, heart-breaking split with my Bpd Gf, and 4 months after I last saw her. This has happened on and off over the past year, and each time I send her an email saying I'm willing to listen, the calls stop. It's got to be her, as there's no other candidate. I know she regrets the break-up, so do I, but this seems like such a childish way to get attention. I'm still in love her with her, or what I thought was her, but I fear a recycle if I engage her in discussion. Wish I could help her. Anyone else get these silent/hangup calls after a break with a BPD lover? Advice?

[JaneStorm]

I have to block my calls from mine. At worst, I would change my #.

We didn't cause their affliction and we can't fix it. Only they can. I can't lose my mental health to a losing venture.

Hang in there! 

[Knight]

I can tell you I initiated contact after 7 whole months of absolutely no contact by me.  Sure, she left tons of messages I never listened to, but I never replied in any way.  Until there was some property damage at home, and I called to see if she was involved.  What a friggin mistake that was.  I was suckered back into falling in love and re arranging my life for her, and within days I caught her in lies and she vanished for 2 nights without contact.  I forgave it, and tried.  But it turned out to a huge mistake on my part for having any contact at all.  Now I am a few days into NC again. I strongly suggest you keep NC with her.  From experience, NC is the only way.  I with you the best.

[JRT]

Sorry to hear that you are going through this CJ. Mine literally disappeared 15 months ago after we ordered our wedding rings and she had moved in. She blocked me from contact and involved lawyers/the cops the couple of times that I made an attempt to contact her.

Meanwhile, I receive silent calls, phantom visitors to social media including dating sites (though I rarely used them, one was closed down after receiving complaints from 'other users' and the other was shut down for a few days for the same reason)... .I had my FB account suspended because 4 photos were reported for nudity thought they were beyond rated G (as were 2 close friends account - one an ostensible romantic interest of mine). AND various other stalking type hi-jinks including getting in phone contact with a friend that I had made here!

The silent calls are all similar 1-30 seconds of silence from a number that is 'out of service' when called back. The calls seem to know when I go out of town on vacation as they stop and have stopped altogether since I have changed my FB status to 'in a relationship'.

I puzzles me why someone who is so hellbent on getting me out of her life does this. I know that she is not dating anyone and has not dated since we broke up. It almost seems like she is afraid to do what her heart wants her to do but when I superimpose that upon her calling the cops, it makes it as confusing as hell. I don't get it... .

[Mutt]

Hi cj488,

It sounds like she doesn't have to the courage to talk to you if she's hanging up and the calls stop when you ask her by email.

I hear ambiguity. If you fear that you would recycle the relationship if you talked to her, an option is to continue detaching and maybe she'll have courage and call you at a later time and you'll be further along your healing path. You know that it's you ex and an option is to not email her and she may build enough courage and she'll call. Another option, you could learn the communication tools on the staying board that may help you with your email.

What do you have in mind to say to her that's going to help her and you won't recycle the relationship?

[steve195915]

My situation is a little different but I had a few interesting calls where I answered and they hung up.  I was wondering if anyone had any insights on if my exBPDgf called.  Here's my situation:

I still have contact with my exBPDgf and we actually have a very good friendly relationship.  I know in most cases with a pwBPD that is not possible but there's different levels of intensity of the illness and the traits are not all the same.  We do talk or text daily and it's all positive.

Over a two week period I received 3 calls that showed on the screen it was from a Text Me customer.  I missed the first call but answered the next two and was instantly hung up on.  Anyways I blocked the number after the 3rd time.  I also called the number back and a recording comes on saying the Text Me customer is unavailable.  Anyways last week my exgf's iphone disabled for some reason so she said she tried calling me from her ipad using the vonage application.  Anyways I didn't receive her vonage call for some reason.  I then asked her to give me her vonage phone number so I can add it to my contact list.  I then noticed her vonage phone number was the exact same Text Me phone number that I had blocked, that's why I didn't receive her vonage call.  After I had unblocked the number I was able to get her phone calls from vonage.  She claims she doesn't have the Text Me application and never heard of it.  But again, what are the odds of someone having the same identical number on Text Me as her Vonage phone number?  I did a google search and the Text Me app and Vonage app are two completely different entities.  So here's the possibilities I thought of:

1) It may not have been her checking up on me, seeing if I would answer for some reason.  Doesn't make a lot of sense as she can call or text me anytime anyways and I would respond.  We do text or talk daily too so what would be the point. 

2) Maybe someone (a past bf or ex H) that know's her vonage number, signed up with Text Me using the same phone number (if that's possible) and was maybe trying to get us into a fight as they may have figured I'd have her vonage number and it would have shown up on my screen as being from her.  I can see someone thinking I'd blame her for hanging up on me and she would deny it and that would cause problems.  Seems plausible since we keep our relationship private. 

3) Complete coincidence.  The odds are like 1 in 10 billion chance so not too likely.

Now that I read this I thought of another thing to try.  I need to do an experiment.  I will take the number out of my contact list and have her call me on Vonage and see what it shows up as on my caller ID. 

[donotunderstand]

I'm now receiving silent calls with hangups more than a year after a dramatic, heart-breaking split with my Bpd Gf, and 4 months after I last saw her. This has happened on and off over the past year, and each time I send her an email saying I'm willing to listen, the calls stop. It's got to be her, as there's no other candidate. I know she regrets the break-up, so do I, but this seems like such a childish way to get attention. I'm still in love her with her, or what I thought was her, but I fear a recycle if I engage her in discussion. Wish I could help her. Anyone else get these silent/hangup calls after a break with a BPD lover? Advice?

I did become calls from my ex. At first he would call and call, for few days. Than I blocked him. After 1.5 moths from our brake up, I unblocked and removed this program, he didn't try to reach me. And now, 4 days ago some anonym person called me, and was being quiet, and than I just hang up. It was him,... .I would also become some weird numbers, of calling me. Asking for somebody, like it was mistake number, but I know it was probably one of his ladies.

[cj488]

Thanks everyone. Good to know I'm not alone in this. I also feel I should remain "No contact' for now. Maybe we'll make a peace someday, but unlikely until she gets diagnosed and treated. Best I just stay away from any replies at all. Seems she never wants closure, always dangling, wondering, what if... .No, not gonna nibble at that bait again. Too bad - such a remarkable woman.

[Lou12]

I dealt with this for some time. The constant stalking but when I made contact I would either be ignored or split black very quickly (within a day or two).

We are now back in contact and his excuse was he was confused. I genuinely believe this to be true.  My theory is... as much as they miss you, you provoke panic in them that prevents them from reaching out.  I had to wait for him to self sooth and until I no longer become a trigger to him and induced anxiety.

Hope that helps.

[cj488]

I sense she's very quietly stalking me. She unfriended me on Fb after the break, but if I block her from viewing my page, I have immediate attempts to hack my Fb account. When I unblock, it stops. Otherwise, she won't reply to even very friendly neutral emails - just nothing. Like a 3-year-old. Oh, my. Well, I'm keeping my distance. Maybe in a few years. Thanks, everyone. Best, cj

[cj488]

Well, the patterns continues. She appears in my dreams for a night or two, then soon afterwards I receive silent calls/hang ups for another day or so, then I usually write a neutral email, and the dreams and calls would stop, for a month or two. There is clearly some kind of soul connection happening here. She is quite a spiritual person, as I'm guessing many Bpd sufferers are or become as a way of coping, but she refuses diagnosis and treatment, so no contact is really my only choice. We loved each other so intensely that I know it's hard for both of us, but if she can't even talk to me at all, then what can I do? It's the usual story - she idealized me, then demonized me, then attempted to destroy me emotionally, professionally, etc. And now she still wants some kind of contact with me, albeit distant. Or she seeks only to torture me? I just don't get it. She promised me the moon, then did everything to destroy me utterly, and now she wants to dangle contact. What a hell she must live. Bpd is terrible.

[greenmonkey]

I am 15 months out. In a much better and healthier place. I blocked my number almost immediately and I deleted my email address a few months later and moved 100 miles away.

Since then - that was approx one year ago. I have had approx 50 plus fake Facebook accounts check me out, fake FB friend requests, my daughter has had lots of No Caller ID calls (which all go unanswered), fake Game Centre requests, This list is phenomenal.

I have had fraudulent insurance taken out by her at my address etc

To add as well I get regular late night visits to my house - just being there - outside my bedroom window - which I can hear.

All of this I believe is about having a connection as every way is ignored or blocked, so it is the only way she can connect and have a attachment to me. She also tried to destroy me mentally, emotionally, psychologically, she lied and cheated on me for the entire relationship.

I feel very sorry for her as her illness will not let her lead a normal life, with a healthy relationship. I will not break my NC as no good can ever come from it. I enjoy my life and I do not want her to get anywhere close to it.

[cj488]

Thank you, greenmonkey. I admire your fortitude, in the face of even worse harassment! There is still a pathetic white knight in here somewhere who wishes to save her, heal her, but that's only brought me more pain and disaster. I remain no contact.

[Confused108]

Since my ex dumped me I have gotten a fake Facebook friends request that I blocked immediately. After that I started getting fake FAcebook messages. The last was Feb 2. And it's a good one too. The name was Gift Love and their profile pic was The name Heart Injured with a red flatline in the background. I also have been getting calls in Sunday with a blocked # and name. They call early afternoon and evening. When my son picked it up they asked for me and would not say who they were. It was a guy and I'm only assuming it might be a friend of my exs. They have since stopped calling after I said Hi to the response of the fake Facebook message by Gift Love. After that I have not gotten anymore calls or fake FB messages.  I don't get it if you want to talk say something! Jesh!

[Cazz787]

I know how you all feel.

For many years when there was no such thing as blocking, and people used land lines more commonly, I had hang ups on a clockwork basis. When my exbp woke up, at 6 pm, weekends. Just to listen to my saying hello, then click. Always under Unavailable caller.

Eventually (because I had no idea she had an illness, but my gut screamed it was her... ) while spending time with her I told her I knew she was calling and hanging up because I had a tracer on my phone. I felt like I was losing my mind, I had to know! Now that I know she has this illness, even though she refuses treatment, if this were happening now I never would trick her. Back then while we were both clueless, it worked. She started crying and saying she 'did it to know how I was.' I asked, 'how can you tell by hello?' she said because of our connection that was all she needed.

We are an occasional friendly acquaintance nowadays, I want to be no contact, while she wants to be close. Since we live far apart and I know how deeply ill she really is, I leave it to letting her think we can be friendly. In reality, I know I need treatment for PTSD. I was abused for far too long. The person without this condition holds more good than she realizes. Since she won't do anything to help herself, I'm kind from afar.

Even though all of this happened, I truly believe she loved me with the best of her ability and wished she could do better. I would assume those hang ups was in she was in throws of obsession. They did last many years, and even after I confronted her they didn't stop. Now I don't get them, because I think she finally believes it's safe to love me, from afar.

[Fr4nz]

Is it possible that they "maintain" a connection just by checking, periodically, your FB page (and nothing more)?

For example, my uBPD/HPD ex gf does this - say 4-5 times per month, yet we are in no contact since 1 year (from her side I suppose due to shame). Also, I'm not the only "important" past guy she checks the FB page periodically.

She also claimed to be the "cut off" type, yet during our r/s she told me that she contacted the ex with whom she had the longest relationship... .after 4 years of NC; as a side-note, this ex answered kindly but coldly and quickly, so the conversation didn't go any further.

Anyway, any opinion about this? This may fall under the observation that BPDs cannot truly let go past SO with whom they had an important relationship.

[greenmonkey]

I know in my ex gf's previous relationship she was the one who had the control, she did the discard and recycled where possible, and kept a little hook in her harem so they could be drawn in at her convience.

With me it was very different. I ended the relationship, moved her stuff out the house, and went no contact, moved etc. She lost control at the outset, and I kept myself out of her loop to be recycled at any time, now or in the future.

Maybe I am the 'one' that got away I have no idea, but she is adamant to keep checking one me and try and get my attention - all of which is failing.

Maybe she is just maintaining that connection with myself and my daughter and is struggling to let go of it.

For myself it is a major issue, I have 4 CCTV cameras around my house and the police are aware etc.

[La Carotte]

Cj488, you mentioned in January "attempts to hack my FB account" and Fr4nz you said about checking your FB account, and that of others.

Please can you explain how you know? I've suspected for the whole three years we were together that ex did this because of things she said, but could never prove it. At times we've been blocked, just not friends, and friends, does that make any difference?

I've come to truly hate FB because of all the hassle in our relationship as a result of it, if it wasn't for the fact that it's become my main way to communicate with certain groups which are important to me, I'd leave it today. Although maybe I won't have to now actually, especailly if I can get the hacking/ stalking thing sorted.

Thanks

[cj488]

Cj488, you mentioned in January "attempts to hack my FB account" and Fr4nz you said about checking your FB account, and that of others.

Please can you explain how you know? I've suspected for the whole three years we were together that ex did this because of things she said, but could never prove it. At times we've been blocked, just not friends, and friends, does that make any difference?

I've come to truly hate FB because of all the hassle in our relationship as a result of it, if it wasn't for the fact that it's become my main way to communicate with certain groups which are important to me, I'd leave it today. Although maybe I won't have to now actually, especailly if I can get the hacking/ stalking thing sorted.

Thanks

Hi La Carotte,

Facebook sends me a message saying that there have been attempts to hack into my account. This has only happened twice, and both were just after I blocked my exBpdGf from viewing my profile. When I unblocked her, the attempts ended. Seems clear enough that she's been watching, but what amazed me is how often. The hack attempts were nearly immediately after I blocked her, which shows me that she was watching almost daily.

[Fr4nz]

Same here... .

[La Carotte]

Thank you. I've had no messages from Fb so guess she got info another way. Just like with all my emails, which she swears blind she didn't hack but clearly accessed some way. Sigh.

[Confused108]

I just found out last night after I deactivated my Facebook account that someone had been logged into it yesterday morning. Location New York NewYork.  I deactivated my account Thursday just to take a break from Facebook.  Yesterday when I decided to go back on an alert came up saying someone else from a different location was on my account. I wonder who that is? This has never happened to me before. All the phone calls with blocked name/ number, the phony friend requests, the fake Facebook Messagess. All this months after my ex dumped me.  They don't and didn't want us and then they go to great lengths to pull all this.

[greenmonkey]

I have had yet another fake FB account check my profile, no friends, no picture - and the date is the 22nd of the month which is her trigger date for when she last had contact with me 15 months ago.

I have a system in place that will now photograph her if she gets within 2 metres of my house, front or back. I have no blind spots now.

The police will not take any action without photographic evidence - this should give them what the need to take action against her so I can live in peace and move on with my life.

[shatra]

Greenmonkey wrote---

I have had yet another fake FB account check my profile, no friends, no picture

----How do you know they checked your profile?

Is your ex being nasty, or are they around you to keep contact/keep tabs on u?

[greenmonkey]

Profile - no picture, no friends appeared on people you may know

I think just keeping tabs - 22nd of the month, she always without fail will do something, whether it is a call, a FB look, at my house. Just keeping in line with normal behaviour - what normally follows after a fake profile view is a visit to my house a few days later - so we will see what happens then I guess

[shatra]

Greenmonkey wrote---

Profile - no picture, no friends appeared on people you may know

I think just keeping tabs - 22nd of the month, she always without fail will do something, whether it is a call, a FB look, at my house. Just keeping in line with normal behaviour - what normally follows after a fake profile view is a visit to my house a few days later - so we will see what happens then I guess

--So the 22nd is the "anniversary".  Yes I get those too---friend requests as well as people you may know---no photo, no friends.  I thought it was random, but I thought why would a stranger do that? And my friends on facebook (without a BPD ex) don't get those kind of requests.

[greenmonkey]

In-between there are various triggers of hers as well, which prompt calls, etc. I am getting know the pattern now which helps