Tips to keep your BPD spouse from finding your posts

[Chansen]

This came about in another post (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=288663.0) and I thought it would be a good topic of its own. We agreed that keeping your privacy on this forum from your BPD spouse is crucial as their awareness of what you have written would complicate things drastically. Agree? I do find myself fighting though as if I am trying to "hide" something from her which makes me a bit paranoid... .

So, what are some helpful tips to keep your posts and time writing private when you live with your BPD spouse? I think we can all benefit from everyones experience on this one.

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[Moselle]

My W found and read my posts here. She went bezerk and it was a real mess. We had to change my name and disguise my profile.

Do whatever it takes to prevent it.

- One is to use Google incognito mode every time you use the website.

- Another is to only use it at work or outside the house.

- Keep them off your phone. A fingerprint recognition pad instead of a password worked the best for me.

Mine also found the books I was reading. "How to stop caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist" was the worst one.

All the best with it.

[Yaffle]

Yep - only come online at work.  I originally registered for the welcome to oz forum but she found saw the emails that you get automatically from them and went mad.  I'm still worried that one day she's do a search for BPD and find this forum and recognise something I've put on here

[isilme]

I pretty much only use this at work, very rarely on my tablet at home (the tablet malfunctions half the time only posting half of what I write, anyway), and I use a username that is not connected to my typical online presence.

Any books I read on the subject are on my kindle, and I tend to not leave it on them when I put it down, switching to something fiction.

All my devices are passcoded, and I have email filters set up so this won't be sitting in my inbox should I get careless.

I know to him it'd be seen as a violation of his privacy.  And I agree, no one wants to feel talked about, especially someone with emotional regulation issues.  But I need a place to talk at times that is not among friends.  I feel better, safer, talking to strangers when I need to, than ever talking to friends about this. 

[Chilibean13]

I only post while at work. I have checked the site occasionally while not at work while he is using the bathroom or while he is at a friend's house.

[Ceruleanblue]

I guess I'm the odd one out. I wouldn't care if BPDh found and read my posts. I'm very honest, and he might not like some of what I divulge, but too bad. He knew what honesty meant to me when we met, and I didn't find out what a liar he was until after we'd married. If he wasn't BPD, I wouldn't need this place. I'm only looking for ways to help myself, and our relationship.

He does know I come on here, and I used to be on a step parent board that turned really ugly. Catty women can be so mean, and they clearly did not understand what living with someone with a PD is like. Try having a PD husband, and four PD, adult step kids, not to mention their mother who is worse than either BPDh or the kids. BPDh is the only one in that bunch trying to get healthy, and taking steps towards that.

I guess not having to dread him finding me on here, is actually something I have to be thankful for.

[ProKonig]

Hey Ceruleanblue,

Yea, I'm almost honest and open. I think to deal with the stuff we go through we have to be!

I was way too honest and open. I have a Japanese partner there are some different cultural standards between the West and Japan in terms of how you talk about past relationships. Japanese tend to erase their past or refuse to acknowledge it. Not to get too political, but that might highlight why there are some political issues with China and Korea! Haha!

Anyway, I was way to open and honest about my paste relationships. Despite nothing remotely sinister being in my past it's still a trigger for her that results in her descending into dysfunction. She hunted down e-mails and facebook messages from like 5 or so years ago (we've only been together 2 years) with exes by massively breaching my privacy and then used it to attack me. I had always been open about my virtual privacy and felt a had nothing to hide. Hey, if someone wants to go read my messages from anyone with anyone, there's nothing terrible in there. But for someone who has severe issues is insecurity and high validation needs, it became something she did many times (she later admitted) the moment she got in a negative mood. Found material to further her spiralling.

I had to cut her off from my digital life because I genuinely think some of those random times when she would suddenly switch gears were as a result of snooping. Even if a normal partner could rationalise their reasonableness, depending of what type BPD partner you had, it might just be a trigger for dysfunction.

On the issue of this forum, I wouldn't want her reading my messages, not because they are in any way wrong, just because you never know how they are going to be misrepresented. My google account is separate, all my passwords are now closely guarded secrets, as they should be. My phone is inaccessible too. The sudden change shocked her and caused an argument, the next day she had clearly admitted to herself it was logical (she knew she had breached my trust even if she wouldn't say it). The shaming issue always looms large. You want to show that you trust them, but most of the time they can't even trust themselves.

[SweetCharlotte]

Thank you, Chanson; I have been hoping for a topic like this one.

Sometimes I do get concerned that my L/D uBPDh will find my posts, either by tracking my history on my home computer when he is with me, or simply recognizing our situation if he should come to this site. However, he is in such denial about his issues that he is unlikely to track me or to come here on his own. It would make his world crumble.

Early in the r/s I made references to BPD and urged him to seek help, but his denial only hardened over time. Now I mention the name of the PD only about two or three times a year. My D12 is actually more likely to follow me here or find the site. She is more interested in his condition than he is. When she is exasperated with him, she throws up to me, "You have to post on a website to ask strangers how to deal with him!"

When he is with me, I can usually find time to access the site on my computer because I work on several hours from home using it every day. He watches TV while I work. He falls asleep earlier than I do, so that also gives me a window of time if I need it. I don't usually "log on" on my phone; I just consult the boards on my phone and make a mental note to post later when I am on the computer. I don't like using my cell phone keypad to write out "meaningful" or "deep" thoughts.

So, my situation is most similar to CeruleanBlue above. Danger of detection is not high.

[SweetCharlotte]

I was way too honest and open. I have a Japanese partner there are some different cultural standards between the West and Japan in terms of how you talk about past relationships. Japanese tend to erase their past or refuse to acknowledge it. Not to get too political, but that might highlight why there are some political issues with China and Korea! Haha! 

That reminds me of a Japanese friend I had back in school. When I was trying to get over a r/s that did not work out and taking a long time, he said, "Just kill them in your mind. That is what we say in my country." I was like, What the heck!

[SweetCharlotte]

So, to cull some advice from my experience for others on keeping the S/O from finding posts:

1) don't post or log on from your phone. You should always be able to hand your phone to your S/O without inhibition.

2) log on and post from your own computer. Erase the "history" as needed.

[globalnomad]

It would be disaster if my fiance ever found my posts here. I also use Chrome in incognito mode -- and try to mostly use this site only at work.

My partner's digital snooping has been a major issue since the beginning of our relationship. Early on, she hacked into my gmail (I'm still not sure how) and found a correspondence between myself and a close friend in which I was expressing some doubts about the relationship and asking for advice. Ever since then we have had major trust issues.

Not that I have anything to hide, but I don't take any risks now. I have turned on two-factor authentication for gmail, Facebook etc and strongly recommend this, even though it can be a bit of a pain.

[Ceruleanblue]

I think one reason BPDh doesn't snoop is because his physically abusive ex was always snooping his stuff. Now, in her defense, I know she did it because he lies, and hides things. So, in that regard, she had reason to suspect him. He hated her snooping though, so he doesn't snoop on me. He has asked to read my texts or see my phone, and I've handed it right over. He probably doesn't ask often because he trusts me, and because he knows I'm very honest, and I'm like an open book, with nothing to hide.

I really feel if BPDh was super interested, I'd let him read my posts here. For all my fear of his rages, and temper, and how he twists things negatively, I don't think he'd react badly to my posts. He has moments of acknowledging he hasn't treated me that best, and he knows I'm committed to our marriage, and only want what is best for both of us. He just told me yesterday that I have more integrity than anyone he's ever known. That is a huge compliment coming from him, who rarely gives praise.

I can fully understand why some of you fear being found out by your BPD partner though. I guess my BPDh just lacks the "stalkerish" tendencies so many with BPD seem to have.

[PA_Someday]

Be very, very careful. Or be completely open and honest - and experience the rage and screaming (speaking from personal experience).  I guess it depends on your relationship. 

Despite her denying it, I am convinced my laptop was being watched/tapped because On one occasion I actually saw stuff move on my screen, and more telling, when I was researching some BPD info, she barged in the front door and demanded to know what I was looking at and said that I should not be diagnosing her... .Laptop busted, throwing ___, etc.   I post from my phone now and I added a VPN now.  Not sure if that actually helps, but it scrambles my IP. 

Also, she found my walking on eggshells book and old emails I saved from some past conversations.   I saved them  because they are very telling and thought I might be able to show them to a therapist.  Guess how that went over?  She snoops, despite claims that she doesn't have any reason to do so.

Any emails that might show you've been associated with BPD:  Delete, delete and then delete again.

I also have to be careful how long I'm on my phone or if I even leave it face up or face down.  Apparently, face down means I'm hiding something.   It has been the trigger of many bad arguments.  I use to just put it down, but now I have to make Sure I place it face up, so she doesn't get suspicious or feel insecure about whatever is in her brain.

I'm afraid that I've become paranoid and worry about being accused of whatever pops into her head at any given  moment. So after 6 years of experiencing and learning, I just try to avoid  potential triggers.

I dunno, it's tough. I hate that I have to make ammends to ensure that I'm not accused of whatever is being perceived, but I also do not want to get into another senseless and ungrounded argument or be accused of something when I'm doing something like simply checking emails or playing a game on a phone app.

[TheRealJongoBong]

I'm only active here at work or when my  uBPDw isn't around. That being said I don't really care if she finds any of this or not. While she considers herself free to gaslight me on a daily basis about what is "wrong" with me, I know that she is extremely sensitive about hearing that anything could be wrong with her. Maybe one day she'll find it all and it will become the mother of all altercations - at this point I don't see how that would be much different than my normal life.