Need help on being assertive with BPD

[divina]

A number of years ago, I had a relationship with a man who demonstrates traits of borderline personality disorder.

He can be very attentive and loving and then disappear for weeks at a time.  I did not know I was dealing with someone who could be triggered so easily. I made many mistakes. My first go around with him ended really badly.

We did not speak for eight months. It was bitter and ugly. I do not wish to ever revisit that.

After a near death experience for him, he and I reconnected. It took a while to trust each other again. He had hurt me very, very badly. He has been deceitful and unfaithful. One of the things that precipitated our breakup was catching him in it, and instead of being honest about it, which would have hurt me,  he gaslighting me which was excruciating.

So when we went a second go around, I had established certain parameters for myself. If his self-image required him to be less than transparent, then I wasn't going to upset that apple cart. Especially if all else is going well between us and he is treating me kindly. He told me that I had really changed and learned how not to trigger his triggers. We eventually got much closer than we had ever been.

He has always had an issue with committed relationships. I told him that he was not relationship material and that I enjoyed his company. (I knew from our past that he didn’t want to be in a relationship because he wanted to pursue his professional goals.)  His response, “People change. Haven’t you seen how much I have changed.”  Me: “Yes, you have changed. You are very capable of it.  I am sure you can do whatever you set your mind to do.  But unfortunately, you don’t want what I want.”  My interpretation was that he was hinting at a relationship.

This kind of ambiguity continued as we inched closer and closer in our relationship. Communication improved from the last time around and I got better at expressing my needs in ways that were non-triggering to him.  I did this by not addressing every issue and waiting for the right moment to address it subtlety.  Often he didn’t even respond to my remarks but simply made the changes to make me happy. I also demanded very little of him and stuck to just real essentials like making sure there was food in the house when I was over, asking for a different kind of music when we made love. Nothing too difficult to do. Sometimes he would ask me to give him more love and care, benefits one would only get from a relationship. At first I was extremely resistant.  He had hurt me so badly. I even asked why he didn’t ask his “other” girlfriend to do it.  Eventually he broke me down and I started doing more things for him. Before I knew it, we were in a de facto relationship. There was one night that he was particularly anxious. Among his many traits, he has severe anxiety issues. He was pacing up and down his studio. It was in the middle of the night. He wouldn't stop talking. He lay next to me and said, 'we've been together on an off for three years. It's always you, you. I only want to be with you.' I was barely conscious but I did hear it. I addressed that and something else he had said that implied we were in a relationship the next day. He resisted having the conversation but we did talk about other things that drew us even closer.

Around Christmas he calls me to inform me the following: 'I just wanted to clarify with you. We aren't in a relationship. I told you I want to focus on my work. I know it may be confusing for you because it kind of feels like we are in one. It is confusing to me to.' He went on to say that he cares deeply for me and doesn't want me to waste any more of my time with him since my youth is fading.  (I’m in my 40s.) He said his feelings for me have not changed, but he wouldn’t be a good friend if he continued to be so self-serving. He went on to say that he doesn't want to lose the closeness we share. After what felt like a  very constructive and successful conversation and then another conversation that was normal, before his flight, he hasn’t spoken to me since.

I have the impression that he has taken up with the woman that caused us to break up in the past. She is a very agreeable person with a lot of zest for life, hyper sexual like he is, and flaky. She doesn't take ___ from men. All I know is at some point during my break with him, they too had a break. Now of course, he never admitted to this entire scenario, even to this day. But I KNOW, factually that he was seeing her then.

More relevant information: I have been submissive to him. This is what turns him on in the bedroom. I have also bent over backwards to meet his physical, emotional, sexual, and business needs. I have also been very gentle with his triggers. We really haven't had any real disagreements for the six months that we got back together. And I believe it is because I learned how to avoid his minefields the fields that according to him, no one should have to becomes skilled at dodging in the first place. (I agree.)

Anyway, while what felt like a Christmas Eve breakup he repeated several times, nothing has changed between us.

Yet it has. He is actively shunning me. Since 12/31 I have sent exactly two emails, only one personal. Four text messages, and tried to call him once. This is not a lot communication activity for us since “nothing has changed.”  I have no received a single response.  I told him early on when reunited that I would stop reaching out to him if I discovered he was ignoring me. I stopped a few days ago.


His reaction to that is to step up his Facebook activity, liking just about every post of our mutual friends in order to make sure I see that he is using Facebook but ignoring me specifically.  In his mind, I guess it is to make me feel unimportant.   In the past, when he did things like this, it was precipitated by a fight. We didn't have a fight.

To add a little more to the mix is that the woman he was with when he cheated on me is really an art aficionado. Her enthusiasm is unbridled. I appreciate his art, but since his art is largely portraiture of celebrities, its not really for me.  The only portraits I want in my house are ones of me or my near and dear. So I am not as amenable to this as she is.

His new style of art marries paint and photography together. This is important because years ago I did professional work for him. His payment to me was a portrait, but painted in a traditional manner. When I discussed it with him recently, he said that he won't be able to get to it for a very long time because of the kind of painting it is, and if I was willing to take his new style, I can get it sooner.  (that wasn’t the deal and I feel like that would be a compromise, though I would be willing to take one as a gift outside of our deal.)

Anyway, I bring this up because has given her artwork for Christmas, and has repeatedly given her work when he has not done so with me in a very long time.  She has a growing collection of his work and his work is starting to be quite valuable.  He did give me some gifts, but they were trinkets that he sells for $25.  I was disappointed that after the time we have shared in the past six months, that he didn’t feel compelled to gift me with something more valuable, and knowing that he gifted her, really adds insult to injury.  It makes me feel really devalued.  When he was released from the hospital, it was I taking care of him, I cooking for him, I doing his laundry for him. Some of those actions I continued to do all along.  The professional work I did for him did not get public acknowledgement. This was much earlier in his career. Now, it seems that whenever anyone does anything for him professionally, he calls them out on it and thanks them in a very public way. He didn’t do that when I built him an entire website that was live for two years.

I have started to wonder if all of this ties into his whole sexual subservancy thing where he literally doesn't view me as someone who deserves to receive a nice gift for my care, or credit for professional work I have done for him. I feel very taken for granted. Of if it is because of my care for his triggers, he thinks he can literally do anything he wants with me. I just don’t know. 

Now that you have the background, here is my immediate concern and question.

He is ghosting me right now. It hurts like hell. I mean it really hurts. I did everything "right" this time around. This is simply unacceptable.  In order to keep the peace, especially this time around, I have been extremely careful with my reactions toward things, and with my words.  One thing I made clear to him was that I cared deeply for him, and I do not want to lose him. 

The only thing I can think that may have triggered him was my comment I made on New Years Day.  On New Year Eve, (hours after we had a long normal phone conversation) I sent him a midnight text that said, "Happy New Year. I wish we were together right now."  In the next hour, I received many text messages from everyone I know wishing me a happy new year.  I got NOTHING from him.  He replied eventually at 11am the following day. I was extremely upset.  I expected a reply text from him within a few minutes, not a half of a day later and it hurt me so much that I cried myself to sleep that night.  So I wrote: "I thought you didn't make it through 2015." 

I believe he has returned from his trip. This would be the first time he didn’t call me to tell me he had returned.  I tried to call him the day I thought he might be coming back but he declined my call.  I wanted to have a delicate conversation about New Years and how much it hurt me, but he hasn’t given me an opening. In fact, he has shut me out of all communication.  It seems with each day that he ignores me, the issues becomes bigger. First it was you blew me off on New Years. Now it's you have ignored me for more than a week, including on Facebook and you are doing it in a way that can’t be explained away by a “I was busy.” Or “I didn’t see your post.”

Finally my question: 

When he comes around, and I have no idea when that will be, how do I make it clear, that my loyalty and friendship is not going to be there if he emotionally abuse me in this way.  I know people with this issue have severe issues with abandonment. They also have severe issues with getting too close. I have bent over backwards to accommodate his needs, but I have to draw a line somewhere. 

My plan to deal with it keeps changing.  At first, I was going to wait until the two week mark and then attempt to reach out again to him.  But doesn't that say, "Go ahead. Do whatever the F you want and I will always be there for you, no matter how badly you hurt me?"  I don’t want to give a message that my feelings are not important. 

On the other hand, if I don't reach out, he might not get to it for a very long time. I have no doubt that he will, EVENTUALLY.  With each day however, my anger grows. Whatever this is to him, it is emotionally corrosive to our friendship.

So at present, I thought I would say nothing and wait, no matter how long it takes.  When he reaches out, to be kind, to be polite, converse about his life, and then after we have broken the ice say  something like, "It's two months into 2016 (or whatever it is).  I haven't heard from you AT ALL.  This is not expected behavior from someone who said they wanted to maintain our emotional intimacy.  You have really hurt me. While I care deeply for you, it is not acceptable to hurt me like this and I will not put up with it ever again." (I had put up with it many times on our first go around, but this is the first time he has done this to me on the second go around.)

My worse fear is that it will be a very, very long time and that he will only reach out when he has destroyed things with the other girl which always happens with him. And then I want to say, "Look, I'm not a book to put on your GD shelf to take out at your convenience."  Of course that wouldn't go over well.

Please my friendly sensitive borderlines.  Please help me figure out how to navigate this mine field and have a positive outcome.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey divina, I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain.  Are you familiar with the Serenity Prayer?  If not, suggest you look it up; If so, maybe it would be a good time to review it?  LuckyJim

[patientandclear]

Saying that you will not be treated like that and then restoring the old intimacy, especially if you've done that in the past too, seems to be undercutting your words.

This is a tough situation, one I really relate to. You gave it a second chance, and despite you giving him room to NOT make it seem like a relationship, he acted in ways that felt like one. But then he sort of redeemed your original deal (not a r/ship) when for whatever reason that felt more comfortable for him, and you are left in a tough position having already sort of conceded that that was OK. The distance on NYE and since might or might not be consistent with various people's understanding of what "not in a relationship" means.

Sounds like the lack of clarity on terms is now biting you in the behind. It's all well and good to have ambiguity when the person is treating you well. But the flip side of the coin is that you can be seen to have signed on for being taken for granted. I completely understand your feeling of being taken for granted. It seems like an accurate description.

Are you clear on what you want or are willing to accept with him? Trying to articulate that here might be a useful exercise.  Do you need monogamy? Do you need consistency without strange gaps in communication, even if he is not monogamous? Do you need your value to him to be acknowledged (gifts)? Do you need to be primary? Do you need to feel safe that he will not (X) again?

Once you figure out what you need, it may be easier to assess whether there's any reasonable prospect of this man choosing to behave in accord with your needs.

When you told him earlier that what he wants doesn't match what you want (though he protested that he could change), you may have been right on the money.

[divina]

Saying that you will not be treated like that and then restoring the old intimacy, especially if you've done that in the past too, seems to be undercutting your words.

He has not done this before on this go around and have never expressed it.  Is there no way to do this without a nuclear option?

and you are left in a tough position having already sort of conceded that that was OK.

In theory, it left me room to seek my own relationship, one that better suits me. (Someone who can actually support himself and doesn't need me is a biggie, and while he is making money from his work, its not enough to fully finance himself.  The reality is I simply do not have time or heart to be intimate with him while working toward something else.

The distance on NYE and since might or might not be consistent with various people's understanding of what "not in a relationship" means.

Perhaps. Since almost every one I know, acquaintance and friends texted me within the first hour of New Years, I didn't think it would be a big deal for him to do the same. In reality, it triggered a lot of past feelings. This would have been the first New Years that we weren't in the middle of a fight. It had a lot of meaning for me and I wanted to feel he was thinking of me when the hour struck.  When he got back to me 11 hours later, all I could think of is, "what was he doing that he couldn't take a few seconds to text me back." followed by, "who flies out of town on New Years Eve to WORK?  Hey... .and he ended things right before this trip... .and oh this is so calculated.  Essentially a ton of rumination. 

Do you need monogamy?

Theoretically, no. At least I don't think so.  I don't happen to be a believer that polyamory can work. ONE relationship is hard enough to navigate and communicate effectively. Trying to do it with multiples, where one person doesn't feel slighted. I'm not sure how that would work.

However, I would rather be in a committed non-monogamous relationship than a non-committed, undefined relationship where his answer to fooling around with others is to pretend nothing is going on and fabricate a break with me.  Of course there is some jealousy involved, but when I examine my heart, it is more about something being taken away from me... .If he were banging someone else, but checked in with me regularly, I probably would not feel so much angst because I would know my primary relationship was still intact.

Do you need consistency without strange gaps in communication, even if he is not monogamous? Do you need your value to him to be acknowledged (gifts)?  Do you need to be primary?

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Do you need to feel safe that he will not (X) again?

I need to feel safe that he won't give me the silence treatment again.

Once you figure out what you need, it may be easier to assess whether there's any reasonable prospect of this man choosing to behave in accord with your needs.

This is very helpful.

When you told him earlier that what he wants doesn't match what you want (though he protested that he could change), you may have been right on the money.

Then why try at all? What's in it for him that he wouldn't have been getting otherwise?

[patientandclear]

As to "why try at all" --- I suspect he didn't and maybe still doesn't know for sure what he is capable of, he may have wanted to try. (That would match what he told you when you said he is not r/ship material and he said he was changing.) My ex wBPD said something similar: acknowledging that up till now he hasn't wanted or been able to do what I need, but suggesting he might change. Tough not to expand your expectations/hopes even subconsciously when you hear something like that.

And yet, it seems that after he wrestled with himself that night he was pacing around, trying to acknowledge maybe he DID want a r/ship with you ... .the bad feelings came back, as they always will. And he impulsively and perhaps unwisely, without a lot of reflection on other options and the long term consequences, gave up on that barely-acknowledged dream, because it was hard and not consistently satisfying, and impulsively did some things that have now injured you again (as they would me ... .He behaves very similarly to my ex). He left, he took up again with the OW in a way that looks more primary than what he is currently doing with you, he was slow to respond on New Years, he is not prioritizing your communication.

So what does all this add up to? Seems like he teeters on the brink of wanting to try something that would work for you, but can't stay with that, and when he falls back, he doesn't (like some people's BPD partners on here) just take a break or need space--he invests heavily in what seems to be a primary r/ship with someone else, and adjusts his thing with you accordingly, all the while telling you nothing has changed (do you see that this is gas lighting again? Seems like a close repeat of some of the features of your first break), and without being open about the other r/ship.

Plus, what you know this time that you did not after the first time around--you can't try harder to avoid triggers and be what he needs than you did this time. So that is not a magic solution that will avoid him behaving like this. That is valuable information.

My heart really goes out to you. You and I seem to have similar values, including a lot of flexibility and a willingness to change our expectation to meet what these guys can do, within some outer limits of self respect. I too found that I could not give him what I wanted to (and what he wanted me to) in a non-r/ship framework and still have time or room to develop something important with anyone else. I had to be clear that it WAS my primary r/ship albeit unconventional, and for it to feel OK, I needed it to be his.  Sounds like that is where you are. He is not there right now. If the possibility comes up in the future, seems like you need to be clear with yourself and him what your bottom line needs are to resume an emotionally intimate connection with him.

I'm sorry, I know very well how much this sucks.

[divina]

Tough not to expand your expectations/hopes even subconsciously when you hear something like that.

Indeed.  I tried really hard to NOT adjust my expectations.

the bad feelings came back, as they always will.

You seem to be an expert on this. Can you expand upon what this means?

He left, he took up again with the OW in a way that looks more primary than what he is currently doing with you, he was slow to respond on New Years, he is not prioritizing your communication.

You have an excellent way of summing up my feelings with brevity.

The invests heavily in what seems to be a primary r/ship with someone else, and adjusts his thing with you accordingly, all the while telling you nothing has changed (do you see that this is gas lighting again? Seems like a close repeat of some of the features of your first break), and without being open about the other r/ship.

I do see the similarities. I suppose that is why this instance of non-communication has triggered old pain.

That is valuable information.

This is true.

I too found that I could not give him what I wanted to (and what he wanted me to) in a non-r/ship framework and still have time or room to develop something important with anyone else.

Exactly. (I'm also a parent of a young child with a full time job. It's very hard.)

I had to be clear that it WAS my primary r/ship albeit unconventional, and for it to feel OK, I needed it to be his.

 

YES.

If the possibility comes up in the future, seems like you need to be clear with yourself and him what your bottom line needs are to resume an emotionally intimate connection with him.

This is great. Really clarifies a lot, IF I have the opportunity to have that conversation.  I don't even WANT to discuss this with him until I can get past the entire silent treatment and my need to explain why it can not ever happen again.

I really appreciate your advise.

[patientandclear]

the bad feelings came back, as they always will.

You seem to be an expert on this. Can you expand upon what this means?

Not an expert!  Just a consumer of experience (and also other people's stories and some expert writing).  But what I'm saying is that there does not seem to be a set of events where the fears that drive BPD behaviors go away entirely.  DBT equips people to identify that their feelings are coming from somewhere, may change, and gives alternatives to impulsive reactions that can feel quite "necessary" in the moment but can destroy valuable parts of life.  But it is really not getting at the underlying fears or aversions, which are deep, pre-conscious, related to experiences of which the person may be only dimly aware. And the person often does not have a cause-and-effect understanding of why the bad feelings come, tends to explain them in terms of current circumstances, and to try to solve them by changing current circumstances.  The plan that the pwBPD is not going to experience waves of panic, suffocation, nausea, boredom, fear of losing themselves, fear of being hurt, rejection etc., is not a reliable plan for things getting better.

I too found that I could not give him what I wanted to (and what he wanted me to) in a non-r/ship framework and still have time or room to develop something important with anyone else.

Exactly. (I'm also a parent of a young child with a full time job. It's very hard.)

As am I (single parent with fulltime responsibility for my kid, who has struggled when I was deeply depressed in the aftermath of events with my BPDex; and a demanding job where people rely on my and need to be able to count on me).  I also find that, when I remain engaged with the BPD person in my life, it puts other potential partners at a serious disadvantage.  No one else is nearly so interesting.  If we are engaged at any level above annual Christmas cards, he is my primary r/ship -- not least because he works hard to make it that way (he resists mightily any limits I impose on the level of intimate access we have.  And of course I also want that, so it is very hard for me to keep the thing within small bounds and remain open to any other potential relationship).

If the possibility comes up in the future, seems like you need to be clear with yourself and him what your bottom line needs are to resume an emotionally intimate connection with him.

This is great. Really clarifies a lot, IF I have the opportunity to have that conversation.  I don't even WANT to discuss this with him until I can get past the entire silent treatment and my need to explain why it can not ever happen again.

"My need to explain why it cannot ever happen again ... ." -- this is more problematic than it sounds.  Explaining to him that it hurts you and that you do not want to be hurt is not likely to do the trick.  His needs come before yours (for him) and the ST is meeting needs of his.  If you say "it cannot ever happen again," implicit in that is that, if it DOES happen again, you will do ... .what?  Not ever resume the relationship?

I told my ex long ago that I couldn't resume our relationship unless he took certain steps that involved self-understanding so that him suddenly leaving me over stuff we could have talked out and solved "would not happen again."  I think he, rightly, knew deep in his heart that it WOULD certainly happen again -- because he was nearly 50 and it had ALWAYS happened again, scores if not hundreds of times, with so many women, over so many years.  So what I said was effectively a guarantee that I would leave him.  Because he WOULD have that kind of reaction again, for sure.

ST itself doesn't bother me enormously, for whatever reason.  I've found that my ex uses it in both of the ways that are described in resource threads on this board: to punish/deter me from behavior he doesn't like; and to regroup and regain emotional stability.  The latter, I support (it's an alternative to raging, for him, I'm pretty sure, and probably also an alternative to breaking up).  The former, I can wait out.  I have no interest in teaching him that that is an effective strategy for changing my position.

My problem is not just the ST, which I understand some people would not be as accepting of as I am.  My problem is what he does during those episodes.  He seeks out other women and actively attempts to demonstrate to himself that he doesn't need the primary person against whom he's reacting with the ST.  That is the coping strategy that is really not OK with me.

In any event: I guess I'm just cautioning that "telling him you cannot tolerate the ST" may be telling him you cannot tolerate the r/ship.  I think you need to explore what you will do if you resume contact with him and then the ST happens again.  Don't bluff.  If you say it CANNOT happen again, and then it does, and you are not prepared to walk away or substantially reduce the significance of this r/ship in your life -- better not to say it in the first place.

[divina]

As am I (single parent with fulltime responsibility for my kid, who has struggled when I was deeply depressed in the aftermath of events with my BPDex;

This.  And it makes me feel very guilty that I am allowing him to rob my daughter of a relationship with me that she deserves.

I also find that, when I remain engaged with the BPD person in my life, it puts other potential partners at a serious disadvantage.  No one else is nearly so interesting.  If we are engaged at any level above annual Christmas cards, he is my primary r/ship -- not least because he works hard to make it that way (he resists mightily any limits I impose on the level of intimate access we have.  And of course I also want that, so it is very hard for me to keep the thing within small bounds and remain open to any other potential relationship).

That is exactly what happened to me, especially this go around. When we reunited, it was because the I could not accept not having him in my life on any level.  I wanted to keep it platonic.  But he withheld what I needed, the feeling that things were mended between us or allowing me back in emotionally on any level until I was willing to be ensnared sexually. None of this was spoken of course, but that is what happened.

"My need to explain why it cannot ever happen again ... ." -- this is more problematic than it sounds.  Explaining to him that it hurts you and that you do not want to be hurt is not likely to do the trick.  His needs come before yours (for him) and the ST is meeting needs of his.  If you say "it cannot ever happen again," implicit in that is that, if it DOES happen again, you will do ... .what?  Not ever resume the relationship?

I have decided to not capitulate on the current ST he has bestowed upon me. If he calls, fine. If he calls later and complains why I hadn't reached out, my response is, "you made it clear you wanted no contact with me when you ignored me. I took your actions at face value. I have told you in the past (once) that if you do this, I will not persist in reaching out to you."

My thought is to not give it energy and also reinforce what I intend to tell him, maybe in writing, or maybe verbally if things progress past today.

I wrote:

Under no circumstances will I accept the silent treatment in the form of randomly ignoring all of my communications and shunning me on Facebook. It hurts me to know you are upset, to not know the cause of it, or when communication will recommence. It's emotionally destructive for both of us and undermines everything we built up over the past few months.

It has caused me severe anxiety attacks, rumination, sleeplessness and has emotionally crippled me. I am asking you to find a more constructive way to express your anger toward me. I accept you unconditionally on many levels but I cannot accept this.  In the past, we had cycles of this where I always forgave you despite the emotional damage it did to me. Since we reunited, I didn't mention it because it was not part of our present, and I never thought it would happen again. Since it has, I need to be clear about it. I will not put up with this again and I will ruthlessly accept no justification for this behavior. I will do whatever it takes to preserve my emotional health and integrity.

So what I said was effectively a guarantee that I would leave him.  Because he WOULD have that kind of reaction again, for sure.

Well yes, this is true.  But what is the alternative? Send a message that it's ok to emotionally abuse me and I'm just going to suck it up?

I've found that my ex uses it in both of the ways that are described in resource threads on this board: to punish/deter me from behavior he doesn't like; and to regroup and regain emotional stability.  

I know my BPD does this to punish and deter me. But often, I do not know what he wants to deter. His pattern seems to be that he doesn't want contact with me while he is ideating someone new, especially when he is with her.  But if he isn't even willing to admit that this is what is happening, how can you really punish me for believing what you wanted me to believe and instead, punish me for interfering in your new relationship, the one you aren't having.

I have addressed that to say exactly what you have said.  I am willing to capitulate to a committed non-monogamous relationship with him if he is willing to be transparent about his dalliances and prioritized communication with me no matter what. I used many of your words in my letter because they offered the precision I needed. But I also need to be primary, not secondary. I even said what you wrote, that I cannot meet his needs and work toward making other meaningful connections too. So it's either meet his needs and be his primary, or not meet his needs and he can do what ever he wants.

My problem is what he does during those episodes.  He seeks out other women and actively attempts to demonstrate to himself that he doesn't need the primary person against whom he's reacting with the ST.  That is the coping strategy that is really not OK with me.

Indeed, except isn't that what the ST is about. It's not indifference that causes ST. It's actively trying to cut me out of his mind and thoughts.  I wish I could be that detached about my relationships if he is indeed detached.  I'd really love a person with BPD to chime in and tell me what they are feeling in those moments.

Don't bluff.  If you say it CANNOT happen again, and then it does, and you are not prepared to walk away or substantially reduce the significance of this r/ship in your life -- better not to say it in the first place.

Bluffs will undermine my effectiveness so I understand that I must be prepared to carry out what I say. I did walk away for eight months, so I think there is at least SOME credibility that it could happen again.  This is why I hope that standing back and letting him contact me again first, no matter what will be an effective tool to give that threat credibility.  

I have gone back and forth about acknowledging him on Facebook. He is very attentive to who likes and doesn't like his artwork when he posts it.  If I don't hit like, he might thing I am engaging in his game of shunning. That would be giving positive reinforcement to a behavior I want to stop.  I want to make it clear that I won't participate in that.  Then again, I don't want him to think I'm begging for his attention and that anything he does will result in me continuing to get his attention.  I think (hope) the balance of only hitting like, but not reaching out by other means is a middle ground that says, "I'm approachable, the window is open" without capitulating to this manipulation too much.

I don't know what I will do if he doesn't reach out before the end of the month. My birthday is at the end of the month and it will be very upsetting to me if he blows me off. Besides, that would make a month of NC for an unknown grievance which is a long separation.

[divina]

I also reworded it, to make it more on the realm of non-violent communication. What do you think is better.

I am unable to emotionally deal with any strange gaps in communication.  If for any reason, something bothers you, and you don't want to speak to me for a while, I would like you to send me a message, "I'm upset with you about xxx. I need space. Let's talk in a week."  In one week, I will expect normal communication to resume. If you are still upset after a week, you can repeat the message, "I am not ready yet. One more week" or whatever time frame is appropriate.

It hurts me immeasurably when you implement the silent treatment in the form of randomly ignoring all of my communications and shunning me on Facebook. Its difficult to manage my emotions knowing you are upset with me over some unknown grievance without the benefit of knowing when or if healthy communication will recommence.  This behavior causes me severe anxiety attacks, rumination, sleeplessness and emotionally cripples me.

I am asking you to find a more constructive way to express your anger toward me since this method is corrosive to our intimacy and undermines the very foundation of our relationship. I accept you unconditionally on many levels but I cannot accept this.  In the past, we had cycles of this where I consistently forgave you despite the emotional damage it did to me. I am at fault because I never communicated that this dynamic is not acceptable to me. I believed I didn't need to communicate this  because it has not happened since we reunited, until now. Since it has, I feel it is important to clarify where I stand. I cannot to continue to engage with someone on any level if they cannot treat me with respect and will do whatever it takes to preserve my emotional health and integrity. You are very important to me, but my well being must come first. I hope you understand my position and will work toward better solutions in the future.