Didn't want to be shamed by my mom

[unicorn2014]

So I had an interesting experience today I thought I'd share with the board.

This morning my d15 went missing. Last night I noticed the front door was unlocked but I looked in her room and it looked like she was there so I locked the door and went to bed.

This morning when I woke up I turned off my d15 alarm and noticed she wasn't up, so I went over to her bed, and she wasn't in it. She had piled up a bunch of pillows up to make it look like she was sleeping.

Well I had an appointment at 10am I had to keep so after I found out she didn't show up at school I called the police, reported her as missing, and went to my appointment.

When she didn't come after school was dismissed I called my brother to make sure she wasn't with him and he said I should call our parents to make sure she wasn't there. I wouldn't do it. The last thing I wanted to hear was my mother shaming me for running away when I was 15. That would not have helped at a time like this. So I didn't call.

My d15 ended up coming home so thankfully she wasn't gone a whole 24 hours but I have to tell you that was incredibly emotionally draining not the least because I'm not allowed to talk about what I am experiencing as a mother to my own mother because I deserve it. She said she prayed that I would have a child as bad as me, I was the all bad child, based on what I've read in UTBM.

I wasn't even able to call my mom for her birthday this year because of what happened on Christmas. I sent her a birthday card and a thank you card and have a gift for her but I couldn't bear a phone conversation with her. When I'm heartbroken or scared my mom is the last person I want to talk to. UTBM expressed that well, it was so reassuring to read that.

Borderline mothers don't reassure their children, they make it worse. I remember when I was a child and I was sick and scared if I told my mother instead of reassuring me she made it worse. Once burned, twice shy.

[Turkish]

Glad D15 is safe 

Borderline mothers don't reassure their children, they make it worse. I remember when I was a child and I was sick and scared if I told my mother instead of reassuring me she made it worse. Once burned, twice shy.

In what way did your mother make it worse when you were a child?

[unicorn2014]

Glad D15 is safe 

Borderline mothers don't reassure their children, they make it worse. I remember when I was a child and I was sick and scared if I told my mother instead of reassuring me she made it worse. Once burned, twice shy.

In what way did your mother make it worse when you were a child?

Thanks Turkish, me too. I had just been congratulating myself that at least my d15 hadn't run away from home yet, I guess I shouldn't have rested on my laurels.

Whenever I got sick as a child or a teen, instead of reassuring me that everything was going to be ok, my mom would tell me some horrific story of how bad it could really get or tell me it wasn't that bad it could get much worse. She would never say "Oh I'm sorry unicorn you are in pain, is there anything I could do to make you feel better?" Oh no, it was always some kind of shaming, following by some kind of count my blessings message. No comforting, ever... .

My aunt and my brother bought into my mother's all bad child persona of me, I read about that too, the kind of campaigning a BPD mother does against her all bad child. Fortunately  for me I had at least one ally, my father, who had his own opinion about me.

[Kwamina]

Hi unicorn2014

I too am very glad your daughter came home. I can imagine that this must have been quite an emotionally draining experience indeed. Has your daughter told you where she was all this time? In what kind of emotional state was your daughter when she got home?

When I'm heartbroken or scared my mom is the last person I want to talk to. UTBM expressed that well, it was so reassuring to read that.

Borderline mothers don't reassure their children, they make it worse. I remember when I was a child and I was sick and scared if I told my mother instead of reassuring me she made it worse. Once burned, twice shy.

This unfortunately has been my experience to with my own mother. Nowadays I don't share any important news with her anymore, I keep all interactions very superficial. It is sad that things are this way, but based on my past experiences, I know this is the best course of action for me.

My aunt and my brother bought into my mother's all bad child persona of me, I read about that too, the kind of campaigning a BPD mother does against her all bad child. Fortunately  for me I had at least one ally, my father, who had his own opinion about me.

It isn't easy being treated as the all-bad child. When you hear all sorts of negative messages all the time, it's easy for a child to internalize the negativity and even actually start believing that they are 'all-bad'. Do you feel that being treated as the all-bad child has also affected you in your adult life? If you do, in what ways do you feel affected by it? Has reading UTBM perhaps given you new insights into how you might have been affected by being treated as the 'all-bad' child?

One of my sister's was treated as the all-bad child by my uBPD mother and this was very tough for her. She left home when she was 18, or a better way of saying it is that she fled from home when she was 18 because she couldn't stand the way she was being treated anymore. This image of her as 'all-bad' was a total fabrication, an illusion projected from my mother's disordered mind. Yet as children we still had to live in this fantasy world which existed outside of reality. This supposedly 'all-bad' sister of mine was actually my only normal healthy family-member growing up. Unfortunately her being treated as 'all-bad' negatively impacted her and she is still struggling with the after-effects to this day.

Take care

[unicorn2014]

Hi kwamina, my d15 did tell me where she was. I have checked out some books from the parenting section of BPD family which I will be reading later. the corporal came over and issued her a citation so hopefully that will get her and us some help.

In terms of my mother it is ironic that my partner gave similar advice , to only talk about superficial things.

Being treated as the all bad child has definitely affected my adult life. I also wanted to clarify that my father was not my ally as a teen. He did my mothers bidding, which I also read about in UTBM. In ACA the 4th step  inventory is different then AA, because we get to inventory how our parents affected us. I know my parents affected my self esteem. I know I also have a resentment about this.

I'm still reading UTBM, the chapter on fairy tale father's is up next.

I also left home at 18, escorted by my father. My younger brother got to stay home as long as he wanted and has a very different life then me as a result: solid relationship with a solid person, high income, pets.

[Kwamina]

Hi kwamina, my d15 did tell me where she was. I have checked out some books from the parenting section of BPD family which I will be reading later. the corporal came over and issued her a citation so hopefully that will get her and us some help.

I hope things will turn out ok with your daughter. It is unfortunate this happened, it understandably caused a lot of stress. Knowledge is power so I think it's good that you checked out those books In my particular case, knowledge is Parrot Power!

In terms of my mother it is ironic that my partner gave similar advice , to only talk about superficial things.

Ironic indeed! The key with keeping things superficial is taking out the emotional targets. If our communication doesn't contain anything to target, this can (potentially) reduce the likelihood of further conflict. The underlying idea is similar to the B.I.F.F. communication technique described on this site. I know you've been reading a lot so you might be familiar with the B.I.F.F. technique.

Being treated as the all bad child has definitely affected my adult life. I also wanted to clarify that my father was not my ally as a teen. He did my mothers bidding, which I also read about in UTBM. In ACA the 4th step  inventory is different then AA, because we get to inventory how our parents affected us. I know my parents affected my self esteem. I know I also have a resentment about this.

Based on some of your previous posts, I indeed kind of gathered that your dad wasn't exactly your ally growing up. It is sad that he, for whatever reason, did not stand up to your mother. That dynamic unfortunately is very common though as is indeed also mentioned in UTBM. You mention that your parents affected your self-esteem, do you feel like you've been able to take steps to heal some of the damage that has been done? When I look at myself I know this is something to be constantly mindful of, negative thoughts or an 'inner critic' bringing me down and assaulting my self-esteem.

I'm still reading UTBM, the chapter on fairy tale father's is up next.

It's been a while since I last read this book. I am very interested to hear your thoughts about this next chapter and the remainder of the book.

[unicorn2014]

Ironic indeed! The key with keeping things superficial is taking out the emotional targets. If our communication doesn't contain anything to target, this can (potentially) reduce the likelihood of further conflict. The underlying idea is similar to the B.I.F.F. communication technique described on this site. I know you've been reading a lot so you might be familiar with the B.I.F.F. technique.

Yes I am and it is the hardest to apply to my mother because she is the last person I would think I would have to apply that to. The world thinks that your mother is someone you should be able to go to for help, comfort, assistance, reassurance, nurturing, caring. The borderline mother provides none of these things. In addition because I was the all bad child and internalized that role I allowed some people to further shame me as an adult and blame me for the problem with my mother whenever I tried to talk to them about it. I've really got a lot of work to do to unlearn this perspective of myself as the all bad child.

Based on some of your previous posts, I indeed kind of gathered that your dad wasn't exactly your ally growing up. It is sad that he, for whatever reason, did not stand up to your mother. That dynamic unfortunately is very common though as is indeed also mentioned in UTBM. You mention that your parents affected your self-esteem, do you feel like you've been able to take steps to heal some of the damage that has been done? When I look at myself I know this is something to be constantly mindful of, negative thoughts or an 'inner critic' bringing me down and assaulting my self-esteem.

UTBM has shown me a whole  infection inside my soul that I didn't even know was there. I've 2 years of recovery in ACA, however that group came out of Al-Anon and my mother is not an alcoholic. In fact she accused my father of being an alcoholic, in front of me, when I was a pre-teen or teen. There are roles that are talked about in the ACA literature such as lost child and scapegoat and hero, however there is a definite difference between scapegoat and all bad child. This particular crisis with my daughter has really pointed to the rot inside my FOO created by my uBPDmom. I just heard my brother today described me to my daughter as "flipping out" over my daughter being gone, when in reality I was cool, calm and collected and my partner was able to verify this for me. In fact my brother was the one who was flipping out yesterday when I called him looking for her: swearing and telling me to call our parents but because he was the all good child he is able to project his loss of emotional control on me and feel confident in that projection. I did not correct my brother over the phone, but I will correct him next time I talk to him.

It's been a while since I last read this book. I am very interested to hear your thoughts about this next chapter and the remainder of the book.

Thank you, I will be happy to share!

[Kwamina]

The world thinks that your mother is someone you should be able to go to for help, comfort, assistance, reassurance, nurturing, caring. The borderline mother provides none of these things. In addition because I was the all bad child and internalized that role I allowed some people to further shame me as an adult and blame me for the problem with my mother whenever I tried to talk to them about it.

I find this hard too, this image of a mother always being a 'loving' person which would mean that you have to be the bad child for saying otherwise. In reality, I think many people clinging to and upholding this image of 'mothers always being loving', deep down inside probably know very well that this isn't entirely accurate. They however might not be able, willing or ready to admit this to themselves and face this reality. This might mean facing things that make people very uncomfortable which feels like a threat that could shatter reality as they know it. So instead some people might choose to remain in the fantasy instead of coming out of denial and facing reality. We often compare our insides to other people's outsides, yet who knows what other people might not be telling us about their own lives and family.

I've really got a lot of work to do to unlearn this perspective of myself as the all bad child.

I can understand how hard it can be to separate yourself from that false projection of being 'all-bad'. you at least have been able to identify the projection as a false image of you, and that first step enables you to really start working on combating this internalized negative image of yourself.

UTBM has shown me a whole  infection inside my soul that I didn't even know was there.

This book is very validating yet at the same time can also be quite a tough read as it confronts us with a lot of hurt inside of us. Perhaps it can help to use gentler language to describe what's going on with you. You were raised by disordered parents which like many of us here has damaged you in some ways. Yet you also managed to survive and are working very hard to heal and grow which truly says a lot about your character, resilience and commitment

I've 2 years of recovery in ACA, however that group came out of Al-Anon and my mother is not an alcoholic. In fact she accused my father of being an alcoholic, in front of me, when I was a pre-teen or teen. There are roles that are talked about in the ACA literature such as lost child and scapegoat and hero, however there is a definite difference between scapegoat and all bad child. This particular crisis with my daughter has really pointed to the rot inside my FOO created by my uBPDmom. I just heard my brother today described me to my daughter as "flipping out" over my daughter being gone, when in reality I was cool, calm and collected and my partner was able to verify this for me. In fact my brother was the one who was flipping out yesterday when I called him looking for her: swearing and telling me to call our parents but because he was the all good child he is able to project his loss of emotional control on me and feel confident in that projection. I did not correct my brother over the phone, but I will correct him next time I talk to him.

Often people with BPD or BPD traits, have a very hard time distinguishing their own emotions from those of others. Your brother indeed seems to be projecting here, he probably freaked out after hearing your daughter was missing which is understandable I think (assuming he cares about your daughter). In his own mind, he might very well believe that what he said about you was true or perhaps he's ashamed about his own emotional response to the news your daughter was missing. How did your brother describe his own behavior? Did he say he himself was flipping out (too), or did he say he was the one that remained calm while you did not?

Do you think confronting your brother about this will lead to a change in his behavior? If his response was a result of distorted thinking/projection etc., do you think you'll be able to get through to him?

Most important thing is that your daughter is safe and back home now

[unicorn2014]

This book is very validating yet at the same time can also be quite a tough read as it confronts us with a lot of hurt inside of us. Perhaps it can help to use gentler language to describe what's going on with you. You were raised by disordered parents which like many of us here has damaged you in some ways. Yet you also managed to survive and are working very hard to heal and grow which truly says a lot about your character, resilience and commitment

Thank you, I printed that out and highlighted it. My partner actually taught me how to use rough language. I remember the first time I did DBT and I shared with him the GIVE principles and he had a really problem with the gentle part and said sometimes you need to be aggressive to correct someone or something like that. I also was recently the recipient of some pretty aggressive emails which I will deal with on the undecided board. It is amazing how in relationships partners can teach each other bad behavior.

Often people with BPD or BPD traits, have a very hard time distinguishing their own emotions from those of others. Your brother indeed seems to be projecting here, he probably freaked out after hearing your daughter was missing which is understandable I think (assuming he cares about your daughter). In his own mind, he might very well believe that what he said about you was true or perhaps he's ashamed about his own emotional response to the news your daughter was missing. How did your brother describe his own behavior? Did he say he himself was flipping out (too), or did he say he was the one that remained calm while you did not?

Do you think confronting your brother about this will lead to a change in his behavior? If his response was a result of distorted thinking/projection etc., do you think you'll be able to get through to him?

My brother did not describe his behavior as such to my daughter. I don't think he was conscious of his behavior at all. I see your point about not getting through to him. I'll let it go.

Unfortunately my daughter's missing again, she's 3 hours late, however she left me a note so we'll see what's up.

[Kwamina]

I am sorry to hear your daughter did not come home again when you expected her. I read in one of your other posts that she eventually did come home and I am glad she did.

She left you a note this time, did the note make clear where she was? What was her explanation for being late?

[unicorn2014]

I am sorry to hear your daughter did not come home again when you expected her. I read in one of your other posts that she eventually did come home and I am glad she did.

She left you a note this time, did the note make clear where she was? What was her explanation for being late?

Hi Kwamina, the note was a lie, her ex boyfriend texted me and told me where she really was. Her explanation for being late was also nonsense. I let it go for now as I will be talking to the guidance counselor and I had to call the police again and they came over and talked to her again. She got cited for being a runaway on Saturday morning, and after talking to her guidance counselor I am hoping that might get me some more leverage to get her into counseling. I am paying close attention to the parenting board. I'm definitely worn out between my d15 and my partner.

-------

I did not call her father or my brother the second time she ran away, and have not told my mother about either time. Nobody in my family is a help to me, and even my partner is a problem, so I'm just worn out and burnt out, however I do have a parental stress line as well as my anonymous groups (and these boards) and DBT to help me.

[Kwamina]

Hi unicorn2014

Hi Kwamina, the note was a lie, her ex boyfriend texted me and told me where she really was. Her explanation for being late was also nonsense. I let it go for now as I will be talking to the guidance counselor and I had to call the police again and they came over and talked to her again. She got cited for being a runaway on Saturday morning, and after talking to her guidance counselor I am hoping that might get me some more leverage to get her into counseling. I'm definitely worn out between my d15 and my partner.

She didn't tell the truth in her note and you clearly also don't believe her later explanation. Just the other day she did tell you that at least part of the reason she left was because she felt there were certain "bad vibes" at home. Do you feel like there is any validity to that statement she made?

Considering everything that is going on, with your daughter and also your partner, why do you think your daughter is behaving this way and keeps coming home late?

Nobody in my family is a help to me, and even my partner is a problem, so I'm just worn out and burnt out, however I do have a parental stress line as well as my anonymous groups (and these boards) and DBT to help me.

I am sorry you feel your family isn't a help to you. What kind of help would you like to get from them that you currently aren't? I am glad though that you at least feel that you do have certain other avenues of support.

That you are feeling worn and burnt out is concerning and a strong sign that you might need to take some additional steps to take care of yourself. Do you feel like you have been able to take enough care of yourself lately and just take some time for you? Do you think there are some things you could do to slow down and relax a bit so you can recharge your batteries?

[unicorn2014]

She didn't tell the truth in her note and you clearly also don't believe her later explanation. Just the other day she did tell you that at least part of the reason she left was because she felt there were certain "bad vibes" at home. Do you feel like there is any validity to that statement she made?

I am sure there was some validity to that statement however her best friend also told me she had been talking about running away previously. My d15 thought if she acted bad enough I would send her away. The real truth of the matter is she under academic pressure at school plus she doesn't fit in anywhere so I am sure that is hard for her. Last night I got her to admit where she was on Sunday, and there is also some kind of boy involved, which is what others had been saying. She and I are getting along fine now, she came straight home after school yesterday.

Considering everything that is going on, with your daughter and also your partner, why do you think your daughter is behaving this way and keeps coming home late?

She had a habit of coming home late because she thought she could do what she wanted. She thought she could be independent like an 18 year old. She seems to have calmed down for now.

I am sorry you feel your family isn't a help to you. What kind of help would you like to get from them that you currently aren't? I am glad though that you at least feel that you do have certain other avenues of support.

I am almost finished with UTBM. My family is not going to provide the support I am looking for. They are disordered and nobody but me has received treatment. UTBM is an invaluable book. I am a long time member of ACA and while my family has admitted to being dysfunctional, that's a buzzword today and a source of humor. Culture says every family has its dysfunction. Disorder takes it to a whole new level and really hits the nail on the head. My family is still disordered. Nothing has changed. That is why my last therapist tried to get me to see, that my father was still going to be narcissistic because he has not received treatment. He refuses to see a mental health professional, he thinks they are a waste of money.

That you are feeling worn and burnt out is concerning and a strong sign that you might need to take some additional steps to take care of yourself. Do you feel like you have been able to take enough care of yourself lately and just take some time for you? Do you think there are some things you could do to slow down and relax a bit so you can recharge your batteries?

Winter break just ended, followed by a week of my d15 acting out. I think she might have been acting out because she doesn't do transitions very well. She had 2.5 weeks off of school where she got to stay with my brother and her father, both which are far more permissive then I am.

I have been allowing myself to take naps after she leaves for school, and I think we are both getting back on track.

[Kwamina]

I am glad your daughter is at least somewhat calmer now and came straight home after school yesterday. That you are trying to get some extra sleep will hopefully enable you to also calm down and recharge your batteries a bit.

I am sure there was some validity to that statement however her best friend also told me she had been talking about running away previously. My d15 thought if she acted bad enough I would send her away.

Do you believe she wants you to send her away? I believe you once said how your daughter expressed wanting to spend time with her dad, do you think that factors in here?

You do believe that there is at least some validity to her statement. Do you think there are perhaps certain steps you could take that might lessen what she describes as the 'bad vibes' at home?

The real truth of the matter is she under academic pressure at school plus she doesn't fit in anywhere so I am sure that is hard for her. Last night I got her to admit where she was on Sunday, and there is also some kind of boy involved, which is what others had been saying.

Feeling like you don't fit in anywhere can be very tough for a child. I know this from personal experience and there are also other members on this board who have felt that way growing up. Does she like going to school? Is she perhaps being treated poorly by certain kids at her school causing her to feel (even more) like she doesn't fit in anywhere?

You say she is under academic pressure at school, is it just that she's feeling the pressure or is she also struggling academically at the moment? This could very well also be related to her not feeling like she fits in anywhere, things like this are often correlated and reinforce each other.

She had a habit of coming home late because she thought she could do what she wanted. She thought she could be independent like an 18 year old. She seems to have calmed down for now.

... .

Winter break just ended, followed by a week of my d15 acting out. I think she might have been acting out because she doesn't do transitions very well. She had 2.5 weeks off of school where she got to stay with my brother and her father, both which are far more permissive then I am.

You say your brother and her father are far more permissive when it comes to your daughter than you are. How would you describe the relationship your daughter has with your brother and her father? Is she close with them?

This mindset of thinking she could do what she wants as you describe it, where do you think this comes from? Is it just that she wants to be independent like an 18 year old or do you think her behavior could also be an expression of something else? You've for instance already mentioned several other factors like the academic pressure she's under, her not fitting in anywhere and at least some validity being to her statement about 'vibes', that would at least partly explain why she's having a hard time. You also mention she struggles with transitions, are there also other examples from the past that she started to act out during or after a period of transition?

A lot of questions I know, I'm in investigative parrot mode today

I am almost finished with UTBM. My family is not going to provide the support I am looking for. They are disordered and nobody but me has received treatment. UTBM is an invaluable book. I am a long time member of ACA and while my family has admitted to being dysfunctional, that's a buzzword today and a source of humor. Culture says every family has its dysfunction. Disorder takes it to a whole new level and really hits the nail on the head. My family is still disordered. Nothing has changed. That is why my last therapist tried to get me to see, that my father was still going to be narcissistic because he has not received treatment. He refuses to see a mental health professional, he thinks they are a waste of money.

You have certain disordered family-members which is tough indeed. You cannot change them if they don't want to, which can also be quite tough to accept but it is what it is though. What you can do is focus on yourself and commit to working on your own growth and healing. You are working very hard on this board and have been working very hard for years in therapy and by attending meetings Through this hard work and commitment you can work on ending the cycle of conflict and dysfunction by changing your own responses to triggering situations, regardless of whether your family-members or other people in your life change. This will not only help you, but indirectly your daughter will also benefit from it.

[unicorn2014]

She didn't tell the truth in her note and you clearly also don't believe her later explanation. Just the other day she did tell you that at least part of the reason she left was because she felt there were certain "bad vibes" at home. Do you feel like there is any validity to that statement she made?

Friday's disappearance and Sunday's disappearance were unrelated. I agree there were "bad vibes" on Thursday night. She did admit to where she was on Sunday and it did have to do with a boy and a city she wasn't supposed to go to, which is a separate issue.

Considering everything that is going on, with your daughter and also your partner, why do you think your daughter is behaving this way and keeps coming home late?

My daughter was coming home late before I took a step backwards from my partner and started reflecting on my relationship. She is having trouble fitting in socially at school and she was hoping that if she acted bad enough I would send her away. She and I made amends last night and I think things are stable.

I am sorry you feel your family isn't a help to you. What kind of help would you like to get from them that you currently aren't? I am glad though that you at least feel that you do have certain other avenues of support.

There is no help I can get from my family, they are quite disordered.

That you are feeling worn and burnt out is concerning and a strong sign that you might need to take some additional steps to take care of yourself. Do you feel like you have been able to take enough care of yourself lately and just take some time for you? Do you think there are some things you could do to slow down and relax a bit so you can recharge your batteries?

It is very hard with my partner always coming at me. I think I am his emotional supply or something like that. Its very hard to set boundaries with him but I am working on it.

[unicorn2014]

Do you believe she wants you to send her away? I believe you once said how your daughter expressed wanting to spend time with her dad, do you think that factors in here?

I apologize for the double reply on your last post.

My ex is a drug dealer. I don't think she really wants to spend time with him. He called on Sunday night and she didn't even want to take the call and far as I know has not called him back.  I did take a parenting apart class. I do read the coparenting board. I also read the parenting board.

You do believe that there is at least some validity to her statement. Do you think there are perhaps certain steps you could take that might lessen what she describes as the 'bad vibes' at home?

I'm having a really hard time upholding a boundary with my partner. I am sure she does not understand what is going on. I'm trying to keep the arguing away from her. That is the best thing I can do. I am getting help on the undecided board. I asked my partner not to send me anymore late night emails. That is what set the argument off that upset my daughter. I am going to see if I can configure my email to automatically delete emails that are sent between certain hours.

Feeling like you don't fit in anywhere can be very tough for a child. I know this from personal experience and there are also other members on this board who have felt that way growing up. Does she like going to school? Is she perhaps being treated poorly by certain kids at her school causing her to feel (even more) like she doesn't fit in anywhere?

My daughter goes to a very high achieving and reputed  public school in a very educated and wealthy suburb. She is from a mixed cultural background and she is trying to fit in with the kids from her dad's cultural background. They don't entirely accept her. My former therapist that I worked with for 7 years also came from a mixed cultural background and he told me this would be her experience. My daughter is a loner and has a hard time accepting that she is extremely intelligent. She is not comfortable with the nerds and geeks and tries to run with the thugs and gangsters but they bully her.

You say she is under academic pressure at school, is it just that she's feeling the pressure or is she also struggling academically at the moment? This could very well also be related to her not feeling like she fits in anywhere, things like this are often correlated and reinforce each other.

She is doing excellently academically. She doesn't feel like she fits in because she wants to run with the thugs and the gangsters when in reality she is a academic and a jock. Again this has to do with her mixed background.

You say your brother and her father are far more permissive when it comes to your daughter than you are. How would you describe the relationship your daughter has with your brother and her father? Is she close with them?

My daughter spent time with my brother for the first time this winter break. She has felt excluded by her dad for a long time. He has let her down in many ways over a long period of time. She feels like a third wheel with his girlfriend.

This mindset of thinking she could do what she wants as you describe it, where do you think this comes from? Is it just that she wants to be independent like an 18 year old or do you think her behavior could also be an expression of something else? You've for instance already mentioned several other factors like the academic pressure she's under, her not fitting in anywhere and at least some validity being to her statement about 'vibes', that would at least partly explain why she's having a hard time. You also mention she struggles with transitions, are there also other examples from the past that she started to act out during or after a period of transition?

She again is taking after her dad who has a criminal record and has modeled disrespect for authority, including her mother. I know my daughter doesn't do well with transitions and once that dawned on me that's what was going on everything made sense. Traditionally she acts out after she's released from grounding, however this acting out took place while she was grounded. The initial offense was coming home at 2am the last day of winter break, so she got the consequence of being grounded for the rest of the week, but continued to act out and things got worse.

You have certain disordered family-members which is tough indeed. You cannot change them if they don't want to, which can also be quite tough to accept but it is what it is though. What you can do is focus on yourself and commit to working on your own growth and healing. You are working very hard on this board and have been working very hard for years in therapy and by attending meetings Through this hard work and commitment you can work on ending the cycle of conflict and dysfunction by changing your own responses to triggering situations, regardless of whether your family-members or other people in your life change. This will not only help you, but indirectly your daughter will also benefit from it.

Thank you. UTBM has been a very hard read indeed, but I'm glad I am almost through it. I'm in the chapter about how to live with the witch without letting her destroy you. It is very validating to read a book that describes disordered behavior in a mother and talks about the child gets blamed for the mother's disorder! That was very validating to read as that is the story of my life. I don't talk about my mother anymore to people off of this board. Even some people in ACA don't get it. As I mentioned in my previous post having disordered parents is very different then having alcoholic parents, which I do not have. My dad was a substance abuser before I was born, but he pretty much stopped when I was born. What he did not do was get any kind of psychological treatment whatsoever so he still has traits of narcissism.

[Kwamina]

It's ok, better two replies than none!

Thanks for answering my questions. This gives a lot of insight in what your daughter is going through and how she experiences things. There are problems you all are dealing with, but I also notice that your daughter has certain very positive qualities: intelligent, doing excellently academically and also athletically gifted (you called her a jock!)

It can be very hard for a child when others don't accept you just because you look differently or have a different cultural background. You say your daughter is a loner, but does she talk to you about these things and how they make her feel? Do you feel like you are able to guide her through the pain of being socially excluded?

I'm having a really hard time upholding a boundary with my partner. I am sure she does not understand what is going on. I'm trying to keep the arguing away from her. That is the best thing I can do. I am getting help on the undecided board. I asked my partner not to send me anymore late night emails. That is what set the argument off that upset my daughter. I am going to see if I can configure my email to automatically delete emails that are sent between certain hours.

Keeping the arguing away from her is important indeed. Yet children often still sense what's going on and also pick up things from their parent's mood. The situation with your partner is triggering. An important thing to remember about boundaries is that they don't necessarily have to be communicated verbally. For instance, you don't have to tell him that you are going to stop doing something, or wait for him to agree before really going through with your plan. If you want to stop doing something, you can just stop and even without the words your change in behavior conveys the message quite clearly.

You cannot control his behavior, whether he sends or doesn't send those late night emails is his choice. You can control how you respond to them though. You can control if you read them or not and if and how you respond to them. I think that not reading these e-mails that clearly trigger you would be very wise

[unicorn2014]

It can be very hard for a child when others don't accept you just because you look differently or have a different cultural background. You say your daughter is a loner, but does she talk to you about these things and how they make her feel? Do you feel like you are able to guide her through the pain of being socially excluded?

She is actually doing this to herself, she doesn't look different or have a different cultural background, she is trying to fit in with a group of kids that look different from her and have a different cultural background from her. She is trying to identify with kids who represent her father to her. She's actually not excluded.

I finished UTBM last night and am going to start reading a book called Keeping the Love you Find. When I get to the parenting books I will ask permission to post on the parenting board as she is really acting out right now and it has nothing to do with me or my partner.

When she didn't get her way this morning she told me I was flipping out, the words my brother used to her, which were false. That really hurt. I tried to call the parental stress line and they weren't available and I had to make a decision by myself in the moment and stand my ground and it was really hard. I chose not to call my partner because he is so excitable, I didn't want him responding to my emotions, and as you know he has a problem with me turning to him for parenting support. He says he's happy to do it but then he attacks me for doing it saying that's all I value him for, so I have to be really careful in that area.

[Kwamina]

When she didn't get her way this morning she told me I was flipping out, the words my brother used to her, which were false. That really hurt. I tried to call the parental stress line and they weren't available and I had to make a decision by myself in the moment and stand my ground and it was really hard. I chose not to call my partner because he is so excitable, I didn't want him responding to my emotions, and as you know he has a problem with me turning to him for parenting support. He says he's happy to do it but then he attacks me for doing it saying that's all I value him for, so I have to be really careful in that area.

I can see how her using these specific words would trigger you considering your brother recently used them too. Kids don't always respond in a nice way to limits being set. She is just 15 and I think it is probably best to try and not take her words to personally and focus more on the matter at hand. She didn't get her way, what was it that she wanted?

That you chose not to call your partner is something I consider significant progress. I can imagine the thought of calling him might have crossed your mind, but you were able to manage that urge and not call him. Instead you handled things yourself which I think is the right course of action

[unicorn2014]

I can see how her using these specific words would trigger you considering your brother recently used them too. Kids don't always respond in a nice way to limits being set. She is just 15 and I think it is probably best to try and not take her words to personally and focus more on the matter at hand. She didn't get her way, what was it that she wanted?

She wanted to borrow my dutch oven without asking my permission, she thought she could just take it. It is an heirloom, it was a wedding present, and heavy, and she asked me told me she needed it 15 minutes before school was about to begin and she has to skateboard to school plus it was going to rain today. When I told her no she got really upset and tried to take it and when I still didn't let her she started calling me names. I even asked her what class it was for and offered to email her teacher and tell her I said no but then it turns out she had promised her friends she could use it without asking me first.

That you chose not to call your partner is something I consider significant progress. I can imagine the thought of calling him might have crossed your mind, but you were able to manage that urge and not call him. Instead you handled things yourself which I think is the right course of action

Yes. I was able to text him later and tell him there was an incident and talk to him about it after the fact which then enabled him to text my daughter and talk to her about it and everything went smoothly.

He does not work good as a parental stress line.