I don' know how I should feel.

[homefree]

I'm so confused.

At first I was devastated. Then recently I started getting angry at 'what she did to me' and how she treated me.

Then I learn about how she is a victim of early childhood trauma and is intensely hurting. And that we connected because there was a real emotional draw there and it was because of who I am.

And I see her new relationship and everyone thinks it's rushing and will be a trainwreck. Even by her own professed goals for a new relationship it's completely not what she said she was going to try to do this time. And I know she will be hurt again.

But then I don't know if I should feel that the hurting she did to me is personal since it most likely happened to everyone. So I start to think the early part of the relationship wasn't personal either. And so I devalue it in hindsight.

But then there could easily be this hurting, loving person inside that did and still does care for me but is being distorted by her own emotional demons.

So I don't know what I'm supposed to feel about this. Guilty? That I loved an illusion? That I did love her for who she was but then was pushed away for reasons that didn't really mean she didn't love me, but that she just felt she had to. Am I being a naive fool, caught in some charm spell who can't see reality any more?

I'm so torn by the feeling that I'm walking away from something that was real from this person that I care so much about, who cares about me to but is just hurting too much to be able to do anything about it, or am I just gaining my dignity and walking away from someone who used me?

Maybe the worst thing is that I don't know if I really love her, or just love the fantasy and the feelings I had. Maybe I don't even know what real love is.

I don't know anything. But I feel everything. From moment to momen. It just shifts, from day to day.

Even if there is nothing I can do to help her, and she will always feel this emptiness and pain, and ruin each relationship she has, I'm still in essence walking away from someone I love.

I sense I can heal and possibly fix myself. I can be happy again. But I don't know if she can. Or if she would. And on some level me going on to living a healthy and happy life while she just continues through the drama of her intense life feels like I'm doing to her what she is doing to me now: living this wonderful new adventure with someone else while I sit here and cry alone with my emptiness and pain.

This is mentally paralyzing for me. I have no idea what to do because I have no idea what the situation really is. I want to remove this terrible curse from her, so she can be happy, genuinely happy, with anyone. Even if I could never see her again but knew she could be rid of this I would want that. Because then I wouldn't have to think about the girl I loved suffering while I become better and happier.

There is no way to win for them. And guess there isn't really a way for us either, because even though we care about them, we have to leave.

I thought I was getting a handle on things. Now nothing makes sense.

[GoingBack2OC]

I think you should feel:   Sadness; Anger; Confused; At peace; Rage; Sorrow; Disappointed; Stupefied; Empty; Irritated; Pathetic; Hopeless; and so many more.

This is and would be the natural reaction, and small sample of the range of emotions a 'normal, healthy, human being with a conscious' would feel after being put through so much. Don't kick yourself for it. Feel all of those things. Allow it to happen. It's a process and it's your body and mind working through it.

In time, those feelings will become less and less amplified. And give it enough time, meet someone new, fall in love again; which you can, and you'll feel only indifference. Trust me, I've been there. It happens.

But do yourself a favor. Don't focus on who she is with now. It's not about him. It's about you. It's about her. That's it. He has nothing to do with it. You two didnt work out; because she is a trainwreck, and you just happened to get on that train for a while.

Climb out of the wreckage. Patch yourself up each morning. And soldier on.

[1minuteatatime]

Homefree-  Yours is one of the best posts I have read.  I read somewhere that whatever feelings you have, they are ok to feel them.  You don't have to be strong with everyone(on the outside).  

You don't have to handle it perfectly.  Or even well.  But.  You must go through it.  

I saw my ex be a mess for pretty much the entire time we were together. She is completely miserable.  She probably will always be somewhat miserable.

On some level, I am too.  What I am good at is self soothing.  A workout.  Eating right.  Sleeping well.  

Whatever that looks like, do it.  Share with someone.  I started sharing everything with my uncle.  Her $hitty behaviors.  My $hitty behaviors(including acting like a pu$$y at the end) among other things.  The lies we both told.  The promises we both broke.  

The ancient Egyptians wanted a simple phrase that they could use that was reflective, introspective and philosophic.   What did they come up with?

This too shall pass.

The good.  The bad.  The incredible.  the terrible.  The nasty.  Whatever it is.

This too shall pass.

4 powerful words.  

[AwakenedOne]

There is no way to win for them.  

She could earn a win by seeking help and following through. My ex had mini moments of understanding that things she did were horrible and undeserved to me. But the mood or the enthusiasm to change and get help faded extremely fast, literally in hours and sometimes in minutes. Regarding their suffering: I think they do suffer a lot but in most cases it comes and goes.  :)on't forget they have fun too and dissociate things which includes us. Many or most of the time our exes are not thinking about us for even a second. My wife and I had a mini ridiculous breakup for a day and when we reunited the next day I told her I really missed and thought about her and she looked at me like I was speaking Martian talk to her. So weird. These mixed emotions your having seem to be normal considering what you went through. Most go through just about every emotion here from what I've observed, including me. What I have noticed on this board is that the ones who over romanticize this disorder suffer the most and healing comes later.

[homefree]

I can't tell if I'm romanticizing it. I probably am.

I keep thinking she feels very guilty about pushing me away. That I could somehow break through that wall and just somehow communicate to her in a way that will soothe her mind about us. I'm still wanting to help her, to feel what she feels and try to help. I guess that's par for the course, but it feels like a stage I just recently hit. I was too confused before to think about how she might be feeling about me now.

I somehow feel that, like the fear of abandonment, the need to do whatever I can to help her is pushing down my rational thoughts and taking over my emotions.

The more I type about this, the more it becomes clear to me that there is nothing I can do about it.

Can I help her? I don't know. It doesn't seem likely, based on everything. Is there an obligation or responsibility for me to help? No. It's simply that I care for her and don't want her to suffer. It only makes sense that I can't just turn that feeling off for someone I loved.

I just have to walk away, I guess. In the end, accepting is facing reality. Even if it feels unreal.

[Herodias]

I know the feeling... .I am all over the place. I felt so sorry for him for so long, I put up with too much bad behavior. I am angry and hurt. I know he knows better. It's tough because we feel so betrayed and we are. Feel what you want when you feel it... .they do. I hope you can figure out what is best for you.

[VitaminC]

There is no way to win for them.  

She could earn a win by seeking help and following through. My ex had mini moments of understanding that things she did were horrible and undeserved to me. But the mood or the enthusiasm to change and get help faded extremely fast, literally in hours and sometimes in minutes. Regarding their suffering: I think they do suffer a lot but in most cases it comes and goes.  :)on't forget they have fun too and dissociate things which includes us. Many or most of the time our exes are not thinking about us for even a second. My wife and I had a mini ridiculous breakup for a day and when we reunited the next day I told her I really missed and thought about her and she looked at me like I was speaking Martian talk to her. So weird. These mixed emotions your having seem to be normal considering what you went through. Most go through just about every emotion here from what I've observed, including me. What I have noticed on this board is that the ones who over romanticize this disorder suffer the most and healing comes later.

Good words, AwakendOne, I agree.

Having said that, I want to thank Homefree for your honesty. People have given good insights from their own experience and some good advice. What helped me was to separate my tendency to think of it in those romantic / tragic terms and express that in one place (music, poetry, dance, images, whatever, but fully) and keep my brain engaged by learning everything I could - mainly by reading this site and the posts and some of the articles and books recommended here .

There's beauty in suffering and melancholy and it's wonderful to be alive to that; the whole of the human condition, in a way. There's beauty and something of value in all your feelings.  People are right, the best thing is to just feel them. 

Feelings are ephemera. Like fog. Sublime, mysterious, magical.

I realised that my ex was like that - like fog. As insubstantial and unpredictable and inconsistent.  Whatever he is feeling is going to change quickly and repeat many times over his life, as it already has.

The difference between me and him, I think, is that I am capable of learning. I am not doomed to endless repetition. Whether because I am not as disordered, or because I just decided to pay attention and work harder at it.

I decided, and this seems to be borne out by the experience of many others here, that whatever my view or motivations or efforts, I will not be able to help this person. No matter how much I sacrifice myself. I would probably be capable of dooming myself to a life with a sad person, someone who suffered too much. But I am not capable of dooming myself to life with a person who sometimes wants to hurt me or just doesn't care if they do.

There's a big difference. It took me a while to figure out that it was, quite literally, about my own survival.

That did not come overnight. 

I see his sadness, and I remember other times I've seen him sad and how long that lasted (never very long). So I know, for a fact, that the things that awaken my compassion are only a little part of the whole person.

And anyway, compassion is only one part of love.   

[VitaminC]

Feel what you want when you feel it... .they do.

Good. I am writing this phrase on my wall.

[thisworld]

Homefree,

I think this confusion may actually be a more advanced state of healing where your system (brain, heart, mind, body, everything) is able to handle more complexity and more depth. I believe our initial certainty helps us survive initially but it is more one-sided than a wider perspective would imply. Now, you may be at a transitory stage where you are able to notice more factual reality but it's understandably confusing. I think the next step, at some point, will be to accept this confusion and contradicting feelings and integrating them. That integration will also be a reevaluation of certain things - is someone's experience of childhood abuse something you are responsible for to the extent that you suffer from emotional abuse yourself or can you as a lover actually realistically heal the wounds of its trauma - psychology says that you cannot if there is BPD. Ultimately, I believe, we are capable of feeling somehow contradictory things (not wanting to be with our partners because it's bad for us and still feeling sorry for what they went through). When I feel more justified in the first - which comes with focusing on myself only and deeply exploring the hurt I went through- the emotional weight of contradiction lessens and I'm able to approach accepting it and feeling less pained because of it.

How do you position yourself in regard to childhood abuse, how do you perceive it at an idea level and at an emotional level? (If this subject is not too painful for you at the moment of course. If it is, I apologize for asking.)

Best,     

[homefree]

Thisworld,

I'm still not at the point where I'm addressing any childhood attachment trauma I might have experienced. I think I probably suffer from unavailable parent(s) issues, but I'm not sure exactly what they might have been or how they affected me.

I agree the sudden feelings of sympathy for my ex are possibly a new stage towards healing since they feel new. I'm not sure I could ever know that though.

I'll just have to keep doing what i've been doing: process things as they come and keep going through it. I'm grateful for NC during these confusing days, that's for sure.

[Learning_curve74]

Hey homefree, I just wanted to echo everybody's sentiments that it's okay and normal to have all these different emotions, even conflicting ones.

Our emotions aren't right or wrong, they just are. For example, say you were driving a car and another car runs a red light and crashes into you and wrecks your car. You might feel angry thinking the other driver was carelessly driving and caused the crash. But then when the ambulance shows up you learn the other driver had a heart attack while driving and was already dead when you had the crash. Then you might feel sad thinking about that poor driver and their family who has suffered a loss of a loved one. Your feelings are different but nothing factual about the car crash is actually any different.

Feelings are temporary and often change. The important thing is how we cope with them. Do we engage in healthy ways of dealing with feelings? What are healthy versus unhealthy coping strategies for dealing with strong emotions?

Also with respect to your situation, homefree, I also feel sad for my exgf and her problems. I have no interest in her romantically now, but I still love and care for her as a person and wish her the best. However, she is an adult and is responsible for her own life. She knows she has BPD yet does not deal with it in healthy and effective ways. I choose not to be a parent to another adult that should take responsibility for their own life. Am I sad when I think about her problem filled life? Yes, but I've let go of any responsibility for it because as an adult she herself is the one who bears the responsibility for doing something about her BPD.

[Mutt]

That I loved an illusion?

I think that it helps to step back and look at the relationship from start to finish. It sounds like you're struggling with the woman that idealized you at the beginning of the relationship but there's also all of the bad stuff that happened in the relationship too? I think that it helps to look at the good with the bad. This is a pretty good workshop on idealization / devaluation and the attachment / bond. I hope that helps.

PERSPECTIVES: From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle  

[thisworld]

Thisworld,

I'm still not at the point where I'm addressing any childhood attachment trauma I might have experienced. I think I probably suffer from unavailable parent(s) issues, but I'm not sure exactly what they might have been or how they affected me.

I agree the sudden feelings of sympathy for my ex are possibly a new stage towards healing since they feel new. I'm not sure I could ever know that though.

I'll just have to keep doing what i've been doing: process things as they come and keep going through it. I'm grateful for NC during these confusing days, that's for sure.

Homefree hi,

I hope you are feeling better today. I have FOO issues and I know that each difficult relationship brought me closer to those issues I managed to or was conditioned to bury. Some say that we end to re-enact (?) the original drama, trying desperately to achieve a different result. Maybe, in this sense, what seems like romanticizing is an expression of your need to love and take care of yourself. Maybe all that you want to give is actually all that you, as a somehow wounded person, want to receive. Maybe you want someone to look at you that way and do that for you. I feel like when we need to re-parent ourselves, we first start doing that to others, we express that desire through others. Then feelings surface and yes, if we are ready, we start re-parenting ourselves. When I organically started that (after putting myself into a lot of hurt in difficult relationships) there was not one wrong thing I could come up with about my family. I had buried them. This is, for instance, very common with daughters of narcissistic mothers. For a long time we think they are perfect - and we are running around screaming at other people in our lives. And other people we have chosen are very similar to other mothers anyway. Maybe the awareness forum would be able to give you some feedback about FOO issues and you may find some clues. Maybe you can ask for some book recommendations, too. Sometimes, we don't know where to start but there are so many similar experiences.

Best,

[homefree]

thisworld,

That certainly feels true. These emotions do feel exactly like the emotions I wish I would receive so maybe I am projecting in some way. Projecting my hurt onto the imagined hurt she might feel inside. Missing and loving me the way I miss and love her but am unable to be with her. That makes a lot of sense. But I'm better now. I see that it's not really up to me to help her fix her life. And even if I wanted to, I have a lot of work to do for myself before I could ever help her properly.

The truth is that she can handle herself. She has vastly more survivor skills than I do. They don't fix her problems but the do allow her to navigate through the world she inhabits. I don't have that. I'm picking myself up from the ashes of what I knew and I feel like I'm starting all over, needing to relearn how to live a life. I guess that really is the truth. I'm like Berlin after WW2, having to rebuild everything, but having the freedom to remake it in whatever fashion I really want it to be, not mired in the baggage of my former life. It's a lot more work, but hopefull it will grow into something greater than it ever could have been without the devastation it received.

[thisworld]

thisworld,

That certainly feels true. These emotions do feel exactly like the emotions I wish I would receive so maybe I am projecting in some way. Projecting my hurt onto the imagined hurt she might feel inside. Missing and loving me the way I miss and love her but am unable to be with her. That makes a lot of sense. But I'm better now. I see that it's not really up to me to help her fix her life. And even if I wanted to, I have a lot of work to do for myself before I could ever help her properly.

The truth is that she can handle herself. She has vastly more survivor skills than I do. They don't fix her problems but the do allow her to navigate through the world she inhabits. I don't have that. I'm picking myself up from the ashes of what I knew and I feel like I'm starting all over, needing to relearn how to live a life. I guess that really is the truth. I'm like Berlin after WW2, having to rebuild everything, but having the freedom to remake it in whatever fashion I really want it to be, not mired in the baggage of my former life. It's a lot more work, but hopefull it will grow into something greater than it ever could have been without the devastation it received.

Everything you have written resonates with me. The only difference may be that in limited contact, I have had the chance to see more clearly than in my relationship how self-absorbed all his sensitivities are and how desensitized he is to certain things. The sensitivity I imagine is to a degree my own sensitivity. He certainly feels very pained but has "coping skills" that pull him out of it there and then (any female attention would do). It's like being with an addict - ironically, he is an addict-. The addict goes through a lot and thinks it's all very painful. And it is. But he has his substance and the desensitization or soothing that comes with it. The partner is very pained too, but has to go through all the hurt sober with no help from the substance. Still, the addict thinks he is more pained. Who knows really? Pain is not comparable. I'll own mine.