Married 3 months to wife that is trying to get her green card

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been married for 3 months with a foreign wife that is trying to get her green card.  I felt like I was dealing with cultural issues for a while with the jealousy and anger, but had no idea where it came from.  As time went on the symptoms have got worse.  I have tried therapy, boundaries, negative reinforcement, and the other things that I knew to stop bad behavior.  I started reading "stop walking on eggshells" in the last 2 days, which gave me an understanding of what I am dealing with.

Our last real conversation a week ago was about going home to take care of our 10 week old puppy.  My sister called to come back to her house where we were staying to take care of the dog.  It was all about jealousy that I did what my sister asked. Everything was all my fault like always.  She walked around "lost" for 3 hours.  It brought back memories of her being at coke dealers houses when "nothing happened", but she was there for 8 hours. 

I have a lot more to say.  She is supposed to leave the house soon.  I have moved all of my stuff into another bedroom.  I need to take care of my puppy right now.

[sflearnignbpd]

I have been married for 3 months with a foreign wife that is trying to get her green card.  I felt like I was dealing with cultural issues for a while with the jealousy and anger, but had no idea where it came from.  As time went on the symptoms have got worse.  I have tried therapy, boundaries, negative reinforcement, and the other things that I knew to stop bad behavior.  I started reading "stop walking on eggshells" in the last 2 days, which gave me an understanding of what I am dealing with.

Our last real conversation a week ago was about going home to take care of our 10 week old puppy.  My sister called to come back to her house where we were staying to take care of the dog.  It was all about jealousy that I did what my sister asked. Everything was all my fault like always.  She walked around "lost" for 3 hours.  It brought back memories of her being at coke dealers houses when "nothing happened", but she was there for 8 hours. 

I have a lot more to say.  She is supposed to leave the house soon.  I have moved all of my stuff into another bedroom.  I need to take care of my puppy right now.

[babyducks]

Hi sflearning,

   

stop walking on eggshells is an interesting book.  I'm glad you found it.   You mentioned that as time went on the symptoms that you noticed got worse.   Would you like to say a little more about what you've noticed?

People who suffer from BPD have very intense emotions and great difficulty regulating their emotions.  What you can find here is tools and skills to help with communication and support for you.   

what kind of puppy do you have?

'ducks

[sflearnignbpd]

I felt like she put up a front initially and tried to mask it.  1.5 years in when the marriage was scheduled she started acting a lot different.  It started at my sister's house on a Sunday when I wanted to stay 10 mins too long to read my niece a book.  She tried to jump out of the car while I was going 70mph, so I pulled over.  She ran up the hill.  She hitched a ride and found me 20 mins later at a gas station.  I was not happy about it and frustrated.  We fought most of the week.  I had my wisdom teeth pulled on Thursday and came home to her with a suitcase and she left to go to the beach.  She didn't talk to me for 24 hours.  The next day she invited me to come hang out.  That was the beginning of it all.

[babyducks]

hi sflearning.

in the beginning of a BPD relationship there is a lot of idealization going on (from both sides normally).   there is typically a lot of intensity in a BPD relationship and that intensity is a double edged sword, it creates very good times and horribly bad times.

what's going on today and what can we help you with?

'ducks

[sflearnignbpd]

I am feeling better.  She left with her son yesterday to go and stay in a hotel. 

I have read a lot of information and am realizing that when she broke boundaries that I started to act more codependent than normal.  This was not a very good thing.  I started drinking a lot, which wasn't good.  I called off the wedding a few weeks before and we went to therapy.  She promised to work on the anger and I had no idea what I was dealing with.  Things have been getting worse for the past few months. 

She hasn't been able to work and I work out of home a lot, so I never had time to myself to process my thoughts.  I tried to blame it on her boredom and missing her son, but she has found a job, her son is here and nothing is better. 

She told me she was leaving me, and I asked her when.  I stayed in hotels for a few nights last week.  I decided to come home Friday and Saturday night and she did not talk to me or attempt to work in things.  I asked her when she was planning to find an apartment. 

She left yesterday and has been staying in a hotel.  I have had some peace and been able to get some work done, exercise, and feeling a little sane again.  I am going to a therapist this week. 

I have received threatening messages since she left about all sorts of things.  She is just trying to push my buttons. 

I honestly hope it ends soon.  So much has been said and done that I can't live with.  I know it will never be healthy and I need to work on myself now. 

[babyducks]

hi sflearning,

  on taking the positive steps of exercising and making an appointment to see a therapist.  every little bit helps.   I know my therapist was invaluable to me as an advocate who had my back.

be careful about those threatening messages.   pwBPD have low or poor impulse control.  you don't want to answer back.   Or do anything that will add any fuel to that particular fire.   I know it's difficult not to engage when being raged at but walking away or stopping the conversation is the only effective way to end the drama.   participating gives her what she wants/needs an outlet for her negative emotions.

keep reading and posting here.   it will help to write out your thoughts and read other people's experiences.

'ducks

[sflearnignbpd]

I am confidently choosing no.  She threatened me with a lawsuit because I ruined her life.  I researched it and she will be able to reapply when she goes home, yet doesn't want to.  As usual the relationship moved fast and then took an abrupt turn where I realized that she did not care about my feelings or well being.  It started 2 years ago.  Married 3 months. 

[Skip]

Are you trying to salvage this relationship?

[sflearnignbpd]

Hi Skip,

Initially, I hoped to understand and make things better, but they are spiraling out of control.  She moved out, and we are meeting with a lawyer on Wed. to sort things out.

[Skip]

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