Painted white after you've made your decision

[krax]

First of, I don't really think my ex (my most recent one) has BPD, just alot of traits and characteristics of one, however it is the kind of women I fall for apperantly.

After being in the push-pull game for longer than im proud of I finally took the oppurtunity of one of her outburst where she couldn't decide wether she wanted to be with me to get out and stay out. The first two days I got all kinds of text-messages saying that "this is for the best", "you're truly worthy of someone better than me", "im too unstable to be with someone right now", "you will find your princess soon", and so on. I just kept with it, however by the third day the anticipated "I miss you... ." started to come, her attempts to reconcile with me, gently approaching wether we should meet or not (she even parked her car outside of my appartment on her way home from work, being so sure I would let her in), however I said NO.

This started a storm I've never seen with her before, she was soo sure that I would just go with the flow once again, but when I didn't, she couldn't handle it. She started texting and calling 24/7, never stoping, for atleast 10 days. Trying to get me to see her, since "she loved me so so much, and couldn't live without me".

My question is; ever since I said NO, that I couldn't be with her again, she started to paint me white, being the "good guy". Saying im the best she ever met, that she's really a good girlfriend, "ask all of my exes", that she've seen the light, that she understand now, she's been "spoiled", but now realize what she's missing. She want a house with me, she wants me to be the father of her babies, and so on and so on.

It's really tough to stand my ground at this point, I really WANT to believe that she's changed. But how could she? This is just her ego talking, she got dumped and she can't handle it.

Please give me some advice.

[homefree]

Have you recycled at all with this person?

[blackbirdsong]

It's really tough to stand my ground at this point, I really WANT to believe that she's changed. But how could she? This is just her ego talking, she got dumped and she can't handle it.

Please give me some advice.

It is not her ego, they don't have ego as we understand it. This is the main characteristic, they don't have a clear vision of themselves. I would really like that my ex has her own, formed ego so that she can work on it.

So, my opinion is that it is not her ego, it is a fear. It is a fear of being alone, she will say anything to pull you back and assure the comfort for her. She need to have someone close to her, so that she can feel complete, she needs you to validate her, to complete unclear image of herself that she has. She needs you to say how beautiful, good, "_insert_anything_good_ " she is, because, when alone, her inner voices are telling her that she is empty.

Awful disorder. We are always expressing how bad we feel, but it makes you wonder how is it like to live in this hell every day. At least we have a choice, to move on and get out of these relationships. They can't escape from their mind, really scary stuff... .

[krax]

Have you recycled at all with this person?

Yes, she's gone between me and her ex (the ex who she left for me) a few times, why?

[once removed]

honestly, i can relate. i wanted out of my relationship on and off, for a great deal of it. of course when i got dumped, i was a basket case. and yes, when we dont take a break up seriously, then realize its serious, its frightening. we may do everything in our power to change it. denial is a powerful thing.

i dont have outright advice beyond avoiding rushing into anything. change would need to be demonstrated anyway (doesnt have to be within a relationship). shes scared, and shes not thinking straight. perhaps shes had/is having a moment of clarity (albeit riddled with anxiety) but unlikely shes made some profound transformation over night.

again, shes rushing things, to the point of talking a house and children. thats very impulsive.

i dont think you really need to act here or make a firm yes or no decision. you can respond to contact (or not) if you feel like it, but some time and space is useful here, whatever you decide. if she is committed to change, she will change. this is not change.

on a lighter note, "im a great girlfriend, ask all my exes"  

[Invictus01]

If you do this again, you better put her through such a hard time to get you back that she forgets the other dude's name. Put about 100 hoops in front of her and make sure she jumps all of them. Nothing more, nothing else. Don't settle for being her Plan B when things with the other dude break off.

[blackbirdsong]

on a lighter note, "im a great girlfriend, ask all my exes"  

You know what, I believe her.  

I noticed this too when reading his post. But think again, it is very possible that this is true. She might attract codependent guys, leave them and they end up longing for her and thinking how great she is.  

I remember, during my relationship with my ex, her ex boyfriend was messaging her, and she said to me that he cannot realize that it is over. Now I know (of course, cannot be sure) that she probably communicated with him, we all know triangulation story, but this just proves my point that it is possible that her ex boyfriends think how great she is.  

[krax]

on a lighter note, "im a great girlfriend, ask all my exes"  

You know what, I believe her.  

I noticed this too when reading his post. But think again, it is very possible that this is true. She might attract codependent guys, leave them and they end up longing for her and thinking how great she is.  

I remember, during my relationship with my ex, her ex boyfriend was messaging her, and she said to me that he cannot realize that it is over. Now I know (of course, cannot be sure) that she probably communicated with him, we all know triangulation story, but this just proves my point that it is possible that her ex boyfriends think how great she is.  

Oh yes, the triangulation. She did keep in touch (mostly secretly, when I wasnt in the room) with her ex all the time, Even though she left him to be with me, obviously he doesn't know anything about me, I doubt he even knows I exist. But when I was on a long-planned trip with a friend she texted me the evening before that she was going on a weekend-trip with her ex in a far away city to visit his sister, to "explain the situation", which is quite odd.

Damnit, how could I accept this behaviour? Going on a trip with her ex while her boyfriend is stuck in another country. Boundaries... .

[blackbirdsong]

on a lighter note, "im a great girlfriend, ask all my exes"  

You know what, I believe her.  

I noticed this too when reading his post. But think again, it is very possible that this is true. She might attract codependent guys, leave them and they end up longing for her and thinking how great she is.  

I remember, during my relationship with my ex, her ex boyfriend was messaging her, and she said to me that he cannot realize that it is over. Now I know (of course, cannot be sure) that she probably communicated with him, we all know triangulation story, but this just proves my point that it is possible that her ex boyfriends think how great she is.  

Oh yes, the triangulation. She did keep in touch (mostly secretly, when I wasnt in the room) with her ex all the time, Even though she left him to be with me, obviously he doesn't know anything about me, I doubt he even knows I exist. But when I was on a long-planned trip with a friend she texted me the evening before that she was going on a weekend-trip with her ex in a far away city to visit his sister, to "explain the situation", which is quite odd.

Damnit, how could I accept this behaviour? Going on a trip with her ex while her boyfriend is stuck in another country. Boundaries... .

Don't blame yourself. We all went through this. The good thing is that we are working on this, we will be stronger.

I also had some cases of triangulation, they weren't so extreme as yours, but they raised suspicion. Still I cannot be sure that the case was actual triangulation, because her explanations really make sense, but they raise red flags now. 

[Rayban]

Maybe she has, but I doubt it.

I broke up with my exBPDgf, and still was recycled twice. To her you've likely become a challenge, someone to be recaptured. Expect her to re initiate the Idealization phase. She'll promise that she's a changed woman, and once you're hooked again, she's back to herself, and you'll be questioning why you fell for it ... .again.

If she has not received, or seeking professional help, she will not change. To her it's just another game to play.

You've managed to leave her which is awesome! Put your energies elsewhere.

[Lonely_Astro]

Maybe she has, but I doubt it.

I broke up with my exBPDgf, and still was recycled twice. To her you've likely become a challenge, someone to be recaptured. Expect her to re initiate the Idealization phase. She'll promise that she's a changed woman, and once you're hooked again, she's back to herself, and you'll be questioning why you fell for it ... .again.

If she has not received, or seeking professional help, she will not change. To her it's just another game to play.

You've managed to leave her which is awesome! Put your energies elsewhere.

Even if she has started (or says she's completed it), it doesn't mean she's 'better'. 

OP, don't accept her word for it that she's had professional help and is better.  I did with mine only to find out that she had been to a counselor (even after I specifically asked if she had been through DBT - which she said yes to).  She counted the average run of the mill T as "intensive therapy" (her words).  She started DBT almost a year after we started up again (and admitted she hadn't been through DBT because the therapist "misled" her).  It takes years for them to show progress in DBT, at best. 

J told me that her DBT therapist told her she would be in it for "probably a year because you're better off than most of my clients."   She's currently about 4 months in (IF she's still going, which I doubt) and hasn't done any group sessions (she did two and said her T told her she needed to skip those to focus on herself before attempting group again).  So you know what?  She must be worse than the T thought or she lied to me about it.  Either way, she's worse off than I originally thought. 

Plus, they have to stay committed (ha!  The irony) to "getting better" (J's words).  In our final week of talking, she told me she was still going to DBT and was committed to getting better.  I asked her mid-week if she had an appointment (and if she was planning to talk about us - an attempt to ease my departure).  Her response?  "Yes.  She wants to see me tonight, but I'm not going to go.  I'm going to get a manicure/pedicure instead."   Yep, way to show commitment to "getting better" *thumbs up*. 

Stay away from her.  Period.