The guilt Just broke up with BPD girlfriend of 9 years

[David987]

As of my first post here it has been 2 days since I broke up with her. The attempted calls, texts and emails are relentless. I blocked the calls and texts, but her 17 year-old daughter just left me a voicemail saying "I don't know what's going on with you and my mom, but she's losing her mind trying to call you. Figure this $#@% out whatever it is!"

I understand why the no contact thing makes sense, but the guilt of knowing how hard it must be for her and those around her is consuming me. Yes, she has BPD and has totally drained me to the point I had to finally end it for good, but she's still a person.

She was diagnosed by her own psychiatrist and our couples therapist as having BPD (parallel diagnoses by each of them - two separate and independent data points). She hated that label and has been in denial of it... .and hasn't been back to therapy for 6 months. But she is now saying, post breakup (as expected), that she'll do anything to save the relationship.

While I have no intention of ever getting back together with her in a relationship, is there nothing I can do to get her the help she needs? Text one of her friends about her having BPD, email her that I'll only talk to her (as a friend) after she's been in DBT for at least 3 months, anything?

Any advice is welcome.

[once removed]

hi david987 and

can you tell us a bit more about what led you to go no contact? it will help to better understand your situation.

[Turkish]

(Cross-posted with once removed)

Hello David987,

What was it that finally led up to you going NC?

It must be unnerving to have her D17 contact you. What happened?

T

[David987]

Thank you for the reply. I'll try to keep the history a manageable length.

We have been together for 9 years, but never lived in the same state. For the past 5 years we have been able to see each other pretty much every week. We both have kids, but the kids were typically with the other parent during our time together, so it's not like I was a step-father to the 17-year old (even though we got along very well).

As for the relationship with my girlfriend, it was dominated by all of the usual jealousy and insecurity you would expect. I really had no life outside of my time with her and my time with my own kids. My girlfriend would get jealous if I so much as went to the gym (and I'm an introvert, so I talk to no one at the gym), so I avoided many things, such as business trips and going out with friends, etc.

About 3 years ago we started going to couples therapy because of our issues. I wanted to be able to do 'normal' things without triggering her anger, and she wanted us to do more things as "a family" (with all the kids together). Well, what I wanted never happened, despite the therapist trying to talk her through how to cope. And as for what she wanted, we did go on some family vacations, but my kids (now 11 and 13) never warmed up to her... .for various reasons. So it became exceedingly uncomfortable to have everyone together, and I felt that I would be jeopardizing my relationship with my kids if I pushed further.

A year ago things got worse when I discovered an emotional affair she was having. Over the course of about a month I discovered more details about the affair and eventually broke up with her. At this time I did not know what BPD was and she hadn't been diagnosed with it. That break up lasted about 2 days, since I was totally unprepared for her tactics to get me back. It was a combination of shaming me (especially when she said that her friends thought I was an jerk for breaking up with her), and begging for another chance. I fell for it and we got back together.

Over the next few months she did other things that hurt me, such as reaching back out to the guy she had the emotional affair with and other similar items. I eventually came across BPD and suggested to her that maybe it was something to consider. She was seeing both her own therapist and a psychiatrist at the time and she scoffingly mentioned my suggestion to the psychiatrist, who gave her the test. She was spot on for all but 2 questions (luckily suicidal thoughts was not part of her symptoms). Rather than embracing it she went on a rant about how stupid the name is ("Borderline" and pretty quickly stopped seeing the psychiatrist when he "accused" her of engaging in risky behavior, which she denied.

Anyway, since that time it's been more of the same, although without any other men (to my knowledge). She came up to my place on Christmas day and spent the weekend. I had my kids for part of that time and it was the same old discomfort (which started on Christmas night when my girlfriend got drunk, as she often does, even around my kids). We had previously talked about me coming down with the kids for New Year's eve, but after Christmas weekend I decided against that. She blew up at me and when I came down that weekend, I broke up with her face to face. She begged for giving it one last shot. She said she could handle not having to text as much and sacrificing time together if I needed to go on business trips, etc. She asked if we could do a couples therapy weekend. I finally said yes, which I shouldn't have, but I couldn't keep saying no to her as she repeated that she needed me.

We spent our usual 5 days together, and then on the first night that we were apart (last Wednesday), she starts giving me a very hard time again because I hadn't texted her for an hour and 40 minutes after going to the gym. I explained that I had rushed home to get my one daughter dinner before rushing back out to Academic Planning night for my other daughter. But she still insisted that I should have taken 10 seconds to text her.

So the next day I called her and once again said there was no way it was going to work. And she once again begged and pleaded and asked for at least a couples therapy weekend. I finally said I would consider it and to send me options, but I didn't think it would change anything and in the meantime we were not going to be together, including talking everyday, etc.

So she sent the list an hour later. Two hours after that, she started calling, texting and emailing incessantly... .including some of her old tactics such as saying that her friends thought I was being a jerk. I didn't respond at all until yesterday in email where I said that we would not be going to therapy, that we would not be in contact, and that I wished her a life full of happiness and love.

And that's where it stands... .

[once removed]

whew, david987, you sound exhausted and worn out. im glad you found us. i can relate to your story (as im sure many members can) as an introvert who felt as if he couldnt have a life outside the relationship and being chained at the hip with texting. it kept me in such an anxiety and adrenaline driven state. and my relationship was only a third as long as yours, so i can imagine things have really taken a toll on you. do you have a support system in terms of friends and family? considered seeing a personal therapist? you can lean on us, and members here may "get it" in ways friends and family may not, but it still helps to have trusted people in our lives support us.

as far as the guilt over her messages: you might consider not reading them or blocking them. you dont have to, and blocking might escalate, but so may the messages in general in terms of ramping up the stuff that gives you feelings of guilt. might be best for your healing right now to avoid reading them.

guilt is one component of what we refer to around here as "F.O.G (fear, obligation, guilt). we have an article that may help you better understand these feelings, here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

keep posting david987. we are here for you 24/7

[NCEA]

Isn't there an app that sends automatic texts like "hey hon" and "I'm good how are you" every certain amount of time ? Would be useful.

Don't look back. Lifes too short

[Knight]

David, I feel your pain.  If we talk to them they pull us back in to the nightmare.  If we don't talk to them we feel incredibly guilty.  No matter what we do we lose.  It IS really tough.  I am going through this as well, and we must, at some point look out for ourselves and let go.  We must let go, and yes, it is painful and sad.

[anthony r]

Hi, David.

You sound emotionally ravaged and you’re considering HER feelings. You can’t help these people. I was talking to a social worker recently and success rates are close to zero. Most of their professional effort comes in the form of working with people that have been in abusive relationships with BPDs and teaching clients how to cope when in these horrific relationships. To summarize, they’re pretty much like angry, rabid dogs. If you aren’t going back, this is the time to focus on YOU.

[David987]

Thank you all for your replies. Between being introverted and sacrificing time with other people while in the relationship, I have never so much as posted an entry to a message board before. It feels REALLY good to get this feedback that you have provided... .just knowing there are others out there who 'get it' and who actually want to support me (even though you don't even know me!)

Knight... .good luck with going through this too. Let's both stay strong.

[fabayla]

Wow, aside from the kids aspect which wasn't a part of my relationship, so much of what you've been through sounds immensely familiar. My ex actually would say things like, "Why can't you text back within 5 minutes like a normal person?" Uhh... .I'm fairly sure that's not actually normal, most of my normal contacts might respond in a few hours, or the next day or the next week... .and nobody cares.

She would always say, "Go out and exercise!" "Go out with your friends!" "You should do things alone because I know you like that." (I'm neither really introverted nor extroverted, but I like my alone exercise time and one-on-one time with old friends.) But then the moment I actually did go do any of those things, thinly veiled anger, accusations, and many texts were waiting for me. I eventually got trained out of even trying to go do things that I used to do, because I dreaded what was going to happen afterward. Then she would say that it was my fault that I wasn't getting out and doing the things that made me happy (Because she encouraged me, after all!) and I just stopped doing it "for some reason." Crazy making... .

I still feel horribly guilty for going no contact for the last 5 months. At the time I felt like I was losing my mind (and everything else) and had no choice, now the guilt hits regularly. But I still don't know what could have been more appropriate. Anyway, I feel your pain, and thank you for sharing your story.