Feel like I'm relapsing

[WuTanger100]

First of all let me wish everyone a Happy New Year!  I've not been on this board for a couple of months maybe and saw that as a sign that I was moving on and beginning to heal from my exUgf.  Long story short I'm neighbours with my ex and see or hear her everyday.  We split up Mid October 2015.

I had been on a couple of dates with a cute girl at the start of December and that really helped take my mind off my ex.  Unfortunately things didn't work out with this girl and slowly I felt my mind drifting back to my ex and it's really depressing me.  It was clearly too early to start dating again but it helped as a band aid.

Now I find myself starting all my obsessive behaviours again like checking through the peephole when I hear her coming back home or looking out the window to see if her car is there.  It's horrible, I feel like I'm addicted to her.  Everytime I tell myself enough is enough I can't stop what I'm doing.

I had her blocked on Facebook but made the mistake of checking up on her and see what she got up to over Xmas and NY.  What a mistake.  She's so beautiful.  I hate myself for still feeling attracted to her after everything she put me through.  When we split she had another guy in days and that hurt me.  I now see he's out the picture and by the looks of it she's got a new guy on the go.  I hate to admit it but I'm jealous, even though she is completely toxic.  The thought of her in bed with this new guy is driving me insane.

I know the pattern will continue but it's horrible to see her having a laugh in her photos, making flirty comments etc and generally looking like she doesn't give a f*** about me and our year long relationship when we talked of moving in and marriage while I'm stuck here hurting.

BPD is such a cruel disorder.  I just feel broken.  We are no contact since October and I've not received one single text from her or a knock on the door.  Nothing.  In a weird way I kind of want her too.  I don't want to get back with her but I feel fixated on her.  She is incredibly alluring.

Tell me the pain does actually go away with time and this isn't going to be the relationship that messes me up for life... .?  :'(

[Welgrow]

Hey WuTanger,

I am in about the same place that you are in. Currently I'm not struggling with that fixation, but give it a few days. I guess that I'm not subjected to seeing the replacements yet, but I assume that they are there. Do you live near her or have regular contact with her? That seems like that would make the draw more intense.

[Scopikaz]

I'm exactly where you are. Only I don't see her regularly. But I haven't been able to go more than two days without texting her. And last week I saw her and had dinner with her. Almost got involved in helping her look for a house. Ugh. I don't know who's crazier. Her or me at this point. I don't think she's with anyone yet. But she's lucid enough to not contact me.  How sad. Her life is a mess but she still won't contact me. What does that say about me?

[Anez]

It doesn't anything about you, scopikaz. It says a lot about her, tho.

Keep your head up and be patient. You'll get better with time. Don't beat yourself up. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her.

[WuTanger100]

Hey thanks for replying folks. When I say we are neighbours I'm talking about 3 metres between our doors. We are the top 2 flats in the building?

I haven't see the replacements yet but have been told by a neighbour I'm friendly with that she was out walking the dog with her new man (ex-new man now but tomato/tomatoe). This says to me she really doesn't care now.

She tried to keep a squeaky clean image and engaged in gaslighting. But eventually she slipped up and gave me undeniable proof that she wasn't that good girl she likes people to think she is. I told her my family know what she's like now and ever since then I've been split black. She was always very conscious of what her partner's family though.

I hate this relapse. I told myself that 2016 was going to be onwards and upwards.

[Anez]

That has to be really hard to live next to her. I work with mine and having to see her everyday is difficult.

Tho work with my therapist is helping. It's a slow process but it feels really good to talk w a professional who knows a lot about BPD. Are you seeing a therapist? Might be good for you.

I'd suggest moving, too. Getting away from her will prob help your recovery.

As for now when you have a good thought about her quickly back it up with a bad thought of her - she hurt you, she threw you away (if that was the case), etc.

Also, never look at their social media. It's a fake representation of them. They're never gonna post the sad moments. I haven't looked at my ex's in weeks. It gets easier not to look.

And don't beat yourself up over your feelings. You're human. It's ok to feel jealous, sad, whatever.

Be good to yourself.