I want him back

[Sirensong21]

It hurts so bad I can barely breathe ... .I keep sending him texts to try to open him up and reverse his decision to move on

I can't take his silence ... .I have such regret

Someone please give me advice

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[1minuteatatime]

If he is silent, you MUST stop texting him and give him space.  If you really want him back.  For now.  You must give him at least 4 weeks.

[Sirensong21]

ok ... .but it is my fault the relationship failed and I am in such pain over it.  I went to a therapist, and felt better that day.  This website helped me to feel better, too. But today I texted him again and he hasn't responded.  He was everything to me and yet I couldn't handle it and I crashed from all the intensity, the up and downs ... .

[1minuteatatime]

ok ... .but it is my fault the relationship failed and I am in such pain over it.

I never believe things like this.(I'm sure that comment is invalidating)  Maybe one event was the "end" but no matter what, I believe it takes two to tango.  What happened?  :)o you want to talk about it?  What makes you feel like it is your fault?

[Thread]

I felt equally pained when separated from my hBPD when we reunited was when I found out he was Bpd. I'm exhausted and wish I were in your position now. Maybe take time for you before jumping back and learn on this site the depth of the disorder before making the decision that you want back. I wasn't aware that it doesn't go away. I deal with the highs and lows weekly and each time he feels the need to belittle me and put me down. Each time he dysregulates I loose a little piece of hope and heart.

Make sure you want back for healthy reasons. Appreciate this time of no contact.

[Sirensong21]

There was a lot of building up ... .but at two Christmas parties I got drunk with him.  We seemed to work past it, sort of.  He followed through with taking me with him to his parents home, in another state, for Christmas.  Everything went undramatically, I got along well with his family and I drank responsibly as I had promised him I would.  But he was disconnected from me during the day and then passionate and loving behind closed doors with me at night. I even went with him to Vegas on a birthday celebration for his 21 year old daughter a few weeks before the Christmas parties with his adult children and drank responsibly there as well. I typically do not drink because I become drunk very easily and have found it's best if I only have one drank from time to time.  I have told him this from the beginning and he seemed to understand.  There were extreme stressors in place at both parties and I just lost track as I was so wound up over the stress.  I didn't do anything gross while drunk, just had a really good time with everyone.  Very happy and upbeat. Perhaps it made him uncomfortable on a core level, for me to let loose and just not be all uptight and perfect.

We have never yelled at each other but have had two disagreements that became irrational and he almost took his things from my apartment to leave.  He told me that if we had another 'fight' that it would be very, very bad.  He said he would not hit me but that it would be so awful there would be no way to come back from it.  That concerned me.

We came back to our home city as few days after Christmas and things seemed normal.  I started to take some time away from seeing him everyday as was normal because I needed to address packing up clutter in my home that belongs to my granddaughter and shipping it to her.  This is an emotional event for me to accomplish as I'm very sad to have to send these belongings away.  But the clutter was bothering him he said so I agreed to clear it out.  He said I wasn't doing it fast enough.  Then he began to complain that I did not have my life or finances in order, but I have had the same job for 9 years and my finances are fine. I defended my position. A few weeks ago when all the drama was happening he said he wanted to work on our issues and that he would do anything to help that he could.  That he was emotionally invested in our relationship.

Then, after I am making great progress, on Dec 30 he says we need to talk.  He says he's pulled away and that he knows that I have noticed.  He said that if I didn't get my apartment in order that it was going to be a problem because it really bothered him.  We spent a lovely New Years Eve together and he said he needed to go out out town to clear his head and decide if he was going to move out of state or stay where I am.

Five days passed and he finally called to say that he does not see a future with us and that he wants a clean break and to move on.  From one extreme to the other.

Why?

I held up my part of the bargain ... .I asked him if he didn't love me anymore and his answer was he had strong feelings for me but did not know what they were.  This man told me he was in love with me before our 2nd date.  He said our love was going to be an epic love story.  That he fell in love at first sight.  That he had never connected to anyone so completely. Our relationship had the highest highs I ever experienced.  He brought me into his family and his life 100% ... .through this whole relationship he was so attentive and loving and romantic, he texted me all day everyday telling me how much he loved me.  Wanted to spend every day with me and our passion was through the roof ... .then he would switch and tell me he wasn't sure if he was going to move out of state or remain where I am.  He said before meeting me his plan was to move but that he met me and fell in love and that made everything up in the air.  He moved into his brother's home a few months back and I know he feels like a loser having to do this at 51.  He says he doesn't know what he wants.  That he is depressed and lays in bed at night with self-loathing.

[1minuteatatime]

There was a lot of building up ... .but at two Christmas parties I got drunk with him.  We seemed to work past it, sort of.  

Do you(or did you) drink to escape from some of the drama?(I did and it was not healthy)

I typically do not drink because I become drunk very easily and have found it's best if I only have one drank from time to time.  I have told him this from the beginning and he seemed to understand. 

My ex was more unhealthy than I was(drinking wise, soft drugs and not exercising)  I started acting less healthy with her.  This was one of my struggles.  I am abstaining or just having 2 beers like before, now.  They need us to lead.  Not control.  Lead.

There were extreme stressors in place at both parties and I just lost track as I was so wound up over the stress.

I understand.  He may not have liked this in general.  Even if he was drunk.

A few weeks ago when all the drama was happening he said he wanted to work on our issues and that he would do anything to help that he could.  That he was emotionally invested in our relationship.



I am starting to work on me.  Not worrying if she is working on herself.  I absolutely worry/wonder if she will return.  I don't control that, though.



Then, after I am making great progress, on Dec 30 he says we need to talk.  He says he's pulled away and that he knows that I have noticed.  He said that if I didn't get my apartment in order that it was going to be a problem because it really bothered him.  We spent a lovely New Years Eve together and he said he needed to go out out town to clear his head and decide if he was going to move out of state or stay where I am.

We were in a pattern of pulling away from each other.  We both noticed it.  Were you pulling away, too?

Five days passed and he finally called to say that he does not see a future with us and that he wants a clean break and to move on.  From one extreme to the other.

Why?

Only he knows.  If he comes back, I would not have any intensity or pressure.(that's what I did and it completely backfired)

I held up my part of the bargain ... .I asked him if he didn't love me anymore and his answer was he had strong feelings for me but did not know what they were. 

My ex said that she cared for me deeply at the breakup.  She said that she wanted to break before I "hurt her"  I have never experienced a breakup like that.  Ever.

This man told me he was in love with me before our 2nd date.  He said our love was going to be an epic love story.  That he fell in love at first sight.  That he had never connected to anyone so completely.

She did everything that I did at first.  She wanted to spend time with me all of the time. I didn't trust it because of past experience with a former lover   I attract partners with BPD traits.



Our relationship had the highest highs I ever experienced.  He brought me into his family and his life 100% ... .he texted me all day everyday telling me how much he loved me. 

Wanted to spend every day with me and our passion was through the roof ... .

then he would switch and tell me he wasn't sure if he was going to move out of state or remain where I am. 

The back and forth is tough.  I experienced this.  Fight and then make up cycles.  Slower at first, then the cycles got more rapid.  I let it drain me physically and emotionally.  That is on me.  Do you feel drained around him?

He said before meeting me his plan was to move but that he met me and fell in love and that made everything up in the air.  

She talked marriage several times.  After at first saying that she would never marry again.

He says he doesn't know what he wants.  That he is depressed and lays in bed at night with self-loathing.



She is very unhappy.  At the end, she seemed to go home and go to her bed much more often.  She often would self loathe.  Very poor at soothing herself as well. Is he ok with self soothing?

[Sirensong21]

I did drink to escape the pressure of the drama but on only 4 occasions ... .I don't tolerate alcohol well.  I prefer to not drink most of the time. Yes, I felt completely exhausted being with him near the end.  He could become so quiet and sullen.  Yes, I began to pull away as well.  He talked about us moving in together ... .he broached that subject not me. He does not have self-soothing methods in place, he just lays awake at night.  I think watching tv is his soothing choice.  He has had to live with other people often in his life ... .never really explaining to me why.  This time he says he moved into his brother's home because his apartment was making him depressed.  He also said someone gave him his furniture (not even nice furniture ) and that seemed odd to me.  He has just changed careers.  The home with his ex-wife was foreclosed.  He said he had financial troubles a few years back but never explained what caused them ... .I now understand it is probably his illness.  He says I will never understand what his mother did to him.

[babyducks]

Hi Sirensong21.

.   for me what is true about my relationship, is that experiencing  extreme situations and extreme feelings together tends to bond people in a special way.   I developed a very unique bond with my partner because of some of the intense emotions and events we shared.   when my partner and I were separated for a time I experienced grievous loss and pain.   I hurt quite badly.

from my experience this is what I would suggest for you.

first.  don't panic. I understand that things feel quite uncomfortable right now.  try to take a couple of deep breaths and relax yourself.   it would be helpful to lower the level of emotional reactivity.   which is just a fancy way of saying   bring down the temperature so that you both can communicate comfortably.

second.   learn everything you can about what it takes to be with and stay with a pwBPD.   There are some special tools and skills that you can develop over time that help with communications and understanding.   you can find out more HERE

what do you think?   

'ducks