If we knew how their lives were now, we'd be grateful to be gone

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I know it's so hard to be discarded, left, hurt, by your ex. You tried your hardest to please them! At times things did go great! You laughed and had fun usually when doing something exciting with them, like trips, vacations, gambling . Whatever it may have been. But we've all seen their dark side. We've also seen the effects of their impulsive spending or gambling or recklessness when it comes to lifestyle. We put up with their ridicule, nasty comments, coldness, indifference, hostile stances . We are here grieving a loss and they seem to be doing all the same behaviors with someone else. In reality their lives are a train wreck! It won't be a good life! It won't be better than ours. And it definitely won't be stable! We don't have to worry about care taking them anymore. We were their anchor and gave them a sense of self and stability . See we are stronger than we think! We have our act together. We have stable jobs, friendships that are lasting and meaningful in our lives, we have money in the bank. Many of these people with BPD don't! Mine didn't. I do feel a sense of relief not to be stuck with someone who can't get himself established and his life on solid ground. He never looked at the big picture . He never wanted to save . These people are not good catches. It sucks that we get so caught up on them. I wouldn't want anyone I cared about to be involved with someone like him. I hope one day I can have my heart follow my mind. Hanging onto the glimpses of the good person he could be is a far cry from the reality to who he actually was. A selfish, childish, self seeking, person who lied, manipulated, and lived a very secretive destructive deceitful life.

[Itstopsnow]

I know it's so hard to be discarded, left, hurt, by your ex. You tried your hardest to please them! At times things did go great! You laughed and had fun usually when doing something exciting with them, like trips, vacations, gambling . Whatever it may have been. But we've all seen their dark side. We've also seen the effects of their impulsive spending or gambling or recklessness when it comes to lifestyle. We put up with their ridicule, nasty comments, coldness, indifference, hostile stances . We are here grieving a loss and they seem to be doing all the same behaviors with someone else. In reality their lives are a train wreck! It won't be a good life! It won't be better than ours. And it definitely won't be stable! We don't have to worry about care taking them anymore. We were their anchor and gave them a sense of self and stability . See we are stronger than we think! We have our act together. We have stable jobs, friendships that are lasting and meaningful in our lives, we have money in the bank. Many of these people with BPD don't! Mine didn't. I do feel a sense of relief not to be stuck with someone who can't get himself established and his life on solid ground. He never looked at the big picture . He never wanted to save . These people are not good catches. It sucks that we get so caught up on them. I wouldn't want anyone I cared about to be involved with someone like him. I hope one day I can have my heart follow my mind. Hanging onto the glimpses of the good person he could be is a far cry from the reality to who he actually was. A selfish, childish, self seeking, person who lied, manipulated, and lived a very secretive destructive deceitful life.

[Bigmd]

More and more I realize how good I have it now. I'm almost 6 months post break up and nc. I do still have my bad days but they are fewer and far between . I also realize I gave it my all and was willing to give her a good life. As recently as a few weeks ago I heard she's alone and doing the same crap with her best friend. While I dont wish anything bad on her I sometimes say F her! Now she's 52 (never knew true age) , alone except young daughter, alimony finished this year and she's a day care teacher . So whatever , I treated her good and she took me for granted , which she would always say I did to her. Couldn't be further from the truth.

[Itstopsnow]

They project a lot. My ex pushed all he was and is on me. Told me I had anger issues, I had mental issues, when they were all his issues

[Bigmd]

Mine did as well. I was selfish , cheap, and immature. Don't get me started on the insecurity and jealousy .

[Squander]

It is those "glimpses of what they could be" that keeps us coming back and/or ruminating.  BPD is a sad condition.  It takes a perfectly wonderful person and turns them into a nightmare.  And it gives them virtually no chance at happiness. Ever.  What a tragedy.

Despite what my exBPD did to me, it makes me sad to think someone I once cared for (and still do) can never find happiness.

One of the hardest things to deal with during my recovery is the idea this is not their fault - they can't help themselves.  I avoided that concept because it is much easier to be angry with a person than it is to be angry at a condition.  I do think she could have controlled some of the nasty stuff she did, but in the end, I realized she had very little control with most things.  This became obvious to me when she reengaged and still would not take responsibility.  Plus, I was complicit for some things as well.  I think if we can accept some of the blame for what happened, and empathize a little with the person who hurt us, it will go a long way towards our own healing.  And ultimately our own happiness. 

[Fox Mulder]

I'm trying really hard to keep this in mind. After my ex left me for the guy she cheated on me with, I went through a very difficult time. It was really hard to get out of bed in the morning. I flunked a whole semester of classes, I stopped looking for a job, I gained 20 pounds, and I became very embittered against the world. My ex, meanwhile, lost weight and started dressing in gorgeous, expensive clothes. My replacement takes her on expensive trips, buys her anything she wants, and together they've started up a weird blog about smoking pot and having sex. She seems to have everything she could ever want, and I don't really have anything.

I've started to pull myself together, and I'm trying to remind myself that this outer facade she's presenting to the world is masking a lot of pain from her BPD. It's just always been hard for me to ignore what can be seen and trust in what isn't obvious. I feel like the loser and she seems like the winner.

[wishfulthinking]

I have contact with my exBPDNPDh's ex.  I know for a fact their relationship was not good.  He is worse with me, but he "loves me" more... .yay me.  More afraid of abandonment, I guess.  Then, there is his mom, they fight all the time, but she is BPD, too.  His brother is not, and they do not have a good relationship.  His dad is more NPD and was abusive in my ex's early childhood.  They do not have a good relationship, either.  My ex barely has any friends and the ones he has are the ones he hasn't had long enough, or close enough to show his true colors.  His longtime friends have distanced themselves from him, for which he blames me, but I know that's not true because they have contacted me periodically to check in and make sure I'm ok.  They say they know exactly how exH is.  So why would I consider in all this that his next relationship would be any better?  It won't be.  On the outside, maybe... .but it won't be.  He will rage, he will lie, he will do drugs, he will do whatever he can to feed his own emptiness and it will never be full so it will never stop.  My last contact was only yesterday, my heart aches and my head questions why.  I know in time it'll be ok.  I've read your survival stories.  It has to be better than the misery of daily BPD life, right?  It's the little things I will miss he was so good at, but the bad things?  SOO BAD.  SO VERY VERY BAD. 

[Rmbrworst]

I am two weeks out of a bad BPD breakup.

I ruminate a lot on the positives.  He was loving, caring, sweet, and I never met someone who held me like he did.  He held my hand all the time, anytime anywhere.  He would kiss me in public and never shyed away from affection.  As gay men this is not common practice.

I often said his "recklessness" in the way he touched and reciprocated made me feel amazing.

However he was also "reckless" with my emotions, my feelings, my wants and needs.  He emotionally abused me and fed off me until I was dry and then left me for dead.

He's back in a relationship with his ex, and according to his ex (we are friends), he's doing the same old crazy things as usual.


95% of the time it was pure bliss.

But it's the 5% I have to remember and focus on.  Emotional abuse is not acceptable no matter how good the rest was.

Thank you for posting this.  We need to see things for what they are.  I wish I could stop the selective rumination of positive events

Much love

[Itstopsnow]

The longer you stay no contact the clearer your thoughts will become. And you'll start remembering the bad and times when your needs were not met