BPD persons and their parents

[blackbirdsong]

I am trying to figure out my role in the relationship with my exBPDgf. My understanding is that they seek in us some sort of re-parenting, not romantic partners. I am also questioning how did I respond to this... .

My ex claimed that she had a great relationship with her dad. He died when she was a teen. When she spoke about her father you could see that the statements are too good to be true (idealization, ring any bells?).

Also, she claims that soon after he died, the world collapsed. She became aware that she realized that something is 'wrong with her' and went to the therapy.

I believe she had BPD traits even before, but from this moment she realized that she needs help.

I wasn't too long with her in r/s so I don't know what was the actual story behind.

Is her idealization of her father actually an atempt to make her bad relationship with father better?

Her mother is also pretty emotional, as I understood. Maybe BPD too?

In that case, the father could really be a codependent, great guy that did 'wonderful' things.

What is your experience with your partner and their parents?

[Invictus01]

My ex lost her father pretty young and her relationship with her mother was so bad that at some point once she could do it, she changed her legal last name so that she isn't reminded of her mother constantly. The highlights of her relationship with her mother were her mom never telling her ever that she was proud of her (not until her mid 20s or so), as she put it "disappearing out of her life for years and just recently reappearing back for some reason", constantly putting her down, telling her when she applied to the college she went to - "why did you apply there, you will never get in, you aren't good enough" and last but not least, making her take care of her brother when he had a psychological collapse because her business was more important than her own son (which almost made my ex flunk out of school). She also told me that she hates how her mother treats the guy she is with right now - always puts him down, always tries to find something to nag him about, etc. Now... .What out of all this was a true story and what wasn't, I have no idea. I gave up on trying to figure out what was real and what wasn't, no way to know.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Also, she claims that soon after he died, the world collapsed. She became aware that she realized that something is 'wrong with her' and went to the therapy.

My ex said that his mother was his "best friend" and that when she died, he felt completely empty, and went to therapy.

He also shared with me that his mother lived vicariously through him and controlled almost every aspect of his life.  He seemed to be trapped in a cycle with his mother where she would demand something, he'd do it, and she'd validate him.  Rinse and repeat.  I think he came to a point where he wanted the validation without the control (acceptance of who he was), but with his mother, it was all or nothing.  So the reason he felt so close to his mother was because she validated him when he obeyed her -- the same reason we feel so close to our pwBPD, when you think about it!  I was supposed to provide him validation without control, but to him, this looked like doing whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, with or without me, and having me smile my way through it.  So that wasn't sustainable.  So yes, he was looking for me to be the mother he never had, the one who liked him just for being him, no effort on his part.

Did your ex get a lot of direction and validation from her dad?  That might be part of the problem.  Or maybe her mother was demanding and offered conditional love, while her dad did not.  

I mentioned in another post that my ex watches my activity online about 2-3 times per day.  I also suspect that he logs it in a document, because he printed it and mailed it to me once.  He is completely obsessed with knowing where I am and who I'm with.  It is like a little child in the "rapprochement" phase of childhood, who needs to keep his mother in sight as he becomes independent.  

Frequently you'll find that pwBPD were abused in this phase of childhood, where they are starting to differentiate themselves from the parent by saying "no," running away, etc.  Children who were punished for becoming separate individuals tend to have the same issues growing up, except with a romantic partner instead.

[Lonely_Astro]

Mine has no r/s with "the sperm donor" that's her biological dad.  She claims he's a drunk and abusive person and during her moms pregnancy with her is when her mom left him.  At some point (I've never been able to get a hard timeline), her mom met a new guy and they married.  I'm unsure if J was born then or if her mom was having an affair with the guy that ended up raising J.  Anyway, that's who she calls "daddy" and seems to have an ok r/s with him (she speaks extremely highly of him and how he does this or that for her, protects her, etc).  Her mom is a momster.  I have heard her berate J on the phone, though I've never been around her enough to really add context to it.  J loves and hates her mom at the same time.

I often heard J tell me accounts of abuse from her moms hand (literally and emotionally).  When J was involved in beauty pageants, her mom would beat her with a hot curling iron of J didn't hold perfectly still to get "that perfect curl" or her mom would tell her she wished she had aborted J because J "was the biggest mistake of" her moms life.  These were all J's accounts of what has/does happen between her mom and J.  I have no intimate knowledge of these accounts other than what J has told me.

J is also very fixated on her grandparents, who died when she was in her early teens.  She often idealized them with me about how great they were or how they kept her mother at bay while they were alive.  They died in close succession to each other and J admitted to me that she is still mad at them for abandoning her (and letting her mom do those mean/evil things).

Now, on to your question, I have been cast in two separate roles in J's life.  The first one, in hindsight, I was a supportive father figure that offered advice and protection.  The second time, I was cast as the perfect mate because I never judged her, was kind to her, and never took advantage of her and understood her.  Granted, this ideal image didn't last long, but that's how she saw me in the beginning.  By the end, I wasn't to be trusted and was a user and so on. 

Their lives are an ever evolving drama where the script and roles are constantly rewritten and roles constantly recast.  There is no rhyme or reason to it, other than they're mentally ill.  Just because you're a certain actor in "x" or "y" role today, doesn't mean you'll be tomorrow or next week.

[Itstopsnow]

Mine has both his parents alive and they were very nice to me and always there for him. His mother especially would go above and beyond for him. If his car broke down she's the one to pay for it. Gives him money for vacations. They bail him out of any mess he is in. They divorced bitterly when he was 8. He was the oldest of 3. Claimed to have a great childhood and it didn't bother him that his parents divorced . It got him more gifts and two homes. His dad cheated on the mother with her best friend when she moved into there home. To me that sounds horrible. But his dad was very nice and ended up marrying that woman and is still married and his mom remarried too. Both parents remarried and stayed married over 20 years to their new partners . It didn't seem to be a bad childhood . But people with BPD lie so much so who knows what happened. I feel he may have been molested due to some sexual dysfunctions I saw.  It wouldn't surprise me but yet again nothing surprises me with that guy

[blackbirdsong]

Ok, I definitely see a pattern here.

So, let's say that it is true what she said... .

My exGF told me that her mother was very demanding and often didn't validate her. She didn't told me any nasty stories but she mentioned several cases that sounded very strange to my, w.t.f. strange. But it seems to me that they have good communication now, they communicate almost every day.

For example, she painted a picture when she was a little girl and her mom said that it is not good, 'actually it is very bad' (?)

This thing makes me wonder often (I always remember this case):

Scenario one: Her mom really is demanding, not validating and did say that.

Scenario two: Her mom said something like this: "Oh, honey it is great, really nice. Look, you can also paint a tree here, just like ours in a backyard. "

And she, if we consider that BPD and its traits exists from early childhood, considered this as total non-validation of her work. Remember, BPD is always a victim?

[Lexisdad]

My BPD ex s father died when she was 9. Her mom is diagnosed bipolar as well as her brother. Her mom remarried and her stepfather died when she was 20. I only saw 2 pictures in 6 years of her biological father. I know she was severely traumatized by the loss of her father and stepfather. She has has 4 siblings. In total her mother had children with 3 different men.

[hopealways]

BPD is not a father issue it is a mother issue. So her mother being emotional is probably where her issues started.

[Lonely_Astro]

BPD is not a father issue it is a mother issue. So her mother being emotional is probably where her issues started.

I read somewhere that BPD is believed to come from childhood trauma and a genetic predisposition to it.  So, if you have the 'gene' to be BPD and you suffer some sort of trauma, it 'activates' if you will.  I understand that the true cause of BPD is up for debate.  One thing that seems consistent is invalidating r/s with the mother.

J and I discussed her mom at length.  She has told me all sorts of vile things about her mom (mostly its verbal/emotional abuse but has been some physical stuff).  What's strange to me is that J has a brother, who seems completely 'normal'.  But according to J this is because her parents "always showered him with love.  Whatever he wanted, he got.  He was their perfect child and I was cast aside."  Is it true?  I have no idea.  All I know is J is screwed up and I don't see that being 'fixed' anytime soon.

[jujux15]

Ex's situation was different. Terrible relationship with father, they constantly argue he puts her down and I think even insults her at some points. However he showers his other kids with love. Her mom is like her best friend though.

[Turkish]

 Though my Ex had issues with her mother, maybe somethingblikevemotional incest (she didn't talk to me about it so much until we broke up), her main issues was lacking a father's love. Our r/s was very much father-daughter, and I was secretly horrified when I realized it, especially tying it back to my BPD mother. My ex even told me, "you abamdoned me [emotionally], it felt just like my father.":

I had nothing to say to that, but I realized after she said that, we were truly over.

[enlighten me]

BPD is not a father issue it is a mother issue. So her mother being emotional is probably where her issues started.

If like lonelyastro said there is a genetic predisposition then it could come from the mother or father. The fact that a lot of people are saying that there SO comes from a single parent family (deaths aside) or that the family dynamic is not a good one suggests to me that at least one parent has something going on.

The mother thing is natural but seems a lot more extreme with pwBPD. When we are born the mother releases large amounts of oxytocin which helps to create the mother child bond. It is also released during breast feeding to further the bond. This bond goes on through life.

Both my exs have a strong relationship with their mothers. They look to them for approval and vilify them if they don't get it. Both my exs where also raised by their mum and their fathers where not in the picture.

Like Turkish when I looked back I realised I had taken on the role of the father as opposed to partner. I to was horrified by it and it still creeps me out. Im reminded of Barney Stinson from how I met your mother when he talks about girls with daddy issues.

[Fr4nz]

Both my exs have a strong relationship with their mothers. They look to them for approval and vilify them if they don't get it. Both my exs where also raised by their mum and their fathers where not in the picture.

Like Turkish when I looked back I realised I had taken on the role of the father as opposed to partner. I to was horrified by it and it still creeps me out. Im reminded of Barney Stinson from how I met your mother when he talks about girls with daddy issues.

With my ex I can relate to the dynamic you just described... .also, in several cases she pointed out how I resembled her mother (hyper-criticizing)! Another aspect to reflect upon... .

[GreenEyedMonster]

My ex had enough insight into his behavior (through therapy) that he knew that he was re-creating his mother situation with women.  With the first woman he dated, he chose someone who was emotional and dramatic like his mother.

With me, he chose someone just the opposite, and got a surprise when it turned out that I have feelings, too.

[once removed]

without disputing any of the theories on the origins of BPD, the idea that BPD or any disorder is solely a mothers issue is very freudian and outdated. surely weve heard of "daddy issues" (enlighten me mentioned them)? thats a tag used frequently to stereotype females with BPD traits; fear of abandonment, parentalizing a male partner, etc. the kinda stuff turkish and enlighten me mention, and the kinda stuff many of us experienced.

my exes father is very narcissistic. triangulation came into play very early on in my exes life, when she and her mother would essentially fight over him, having gigantic even physical fights, tattling on each other, threatening to tattle on each other. he rejected both of them. hed harp on their weight. hed minimize any problem either of them had, and say hed had it worse. he is a workaholic; when my ex was very little shed stay up as long as she could in the hopes of seeing him, and shed write messages to him on a dry erase board. when she would see him, shed hug and kiss him. hed wipe it off and say "ew" or act repulsed.

hes probably eternally painted white. in the same sentence that id hear that stuff, id hear about how he is the greatest, smartest, most talented, funniest, most successful man in the world. every romantic partner (myself included) would be glowingly, and often, compared to him.

interestingly, my mom was painted black for about 90% of my relationship, and my ex constantly created tension between the three of us.

im familiar with attachment theory. these examples dont challenge the notion of a failure to detach from a mother (i think they reinforce it), but none of that negates a fathers role in creating a disordered house hold or abandoning a child/family.