Lost, confused, hurt. Very long post but I need help

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Greetings.

I am a 33 year old gay male.  My ex partner of 6 months (1.5 years total as friends) is a 28 year old male.

We became friends through an online app.  He was in an open relationship, and we started as hook up buddies, but soon became good friends.  Our friendship was great.  We went to concerts together, hung out, sometimes even hung out with his boyfriend.  We all got along just fine.

The reason for their open relationship was the fact that they (for various reasons) decided their relationship was not compatible sexually, so they opened it up but stayed together as partners.  The boyfriend was well aware of our interactions, and actually said he was happy for it, as I seemed to make him happy and he needed good friends.

As time goes on, my connection to this guy was growing, and it wasn't just because of me.  We ended up going to a festival together, without his boyfriend, and this guy came onto me really hard.  Holding hands, pecking on cheeks, holding and cuddling.  More like boyfriends than friends. I became so attached to him after this that I started developing feelings.  I told him "We need to cool off because I'm getting too attached to you."

He told me that he was feeling the same, and that he has spoken to his boyfriend about having a three way relationship.  Now,  I'm not really into that type of thing, but I figured ... .Why not try?  Who knows, we are all friends and maybe something could work to make us all happy.

Well, after about a month of trying, I decided that it wasn't for me.  I didn't get to see him as often as I want in a boyfriend, and I broke up with him.  When I told him this ... .his response was flat.  Like nothing happened.  He just said "Okay" and hung up the phone.  I explained that we could be friends and just cool off a bit ... .but he had no response.

Two days later, he begged for me back.  BEGGED!   "I cannot live without you.  You are the most important person I've met in my life.  I just want to run and be with you, I've been miserable ever since you broke up with me.  I'm in love with you and dedicated to you."

I explained to him, that I loved him very much, but I can't be in a relationship with three people involved and that I needed to see my lover more often.  He said he was unhappy with his boyfriend.  He said they haven't been intimate in years, and that he wanted me instead.  He said he was breaking up with him and wanted to be with me.  I said that's his decision, I wouldn't force him to break up, but if he was unhappy, then he should do what's best.

He called later that day and said he broke up with his partner and that he wanted to start a life with me.  He wanted to meet up the next day for dinner and I accepted.

The next day, he seems upset via text.  He says he wants to cancel dinner, and that his ex is upset with him.  I said it was rude to cancel, and we should meet to discuss what's going on.  He agreed and we met in a park to talk.  When I approached him, he wouldn't look at me, wouldn't touch me, and he wouldn't hug me.  Totally not like him.  I asked him immediately ... ."Are you going back to him?"

He said "Yes"

I was ... .horrified.  I was so hurt.  I couldn't believe it.  Then suddenly ... .his ex shows up.  Apparently they planned to meet in the same spot.  His "ex" asked me to leave so they could talk, so I agreed.  And I left.

The week that followed I was a mess.  Crying for hours daily, so hurt and feeling so abused. How could someone beg for me, then leave the next day?  I have never encountered this behavior in my life.  Well,  the next weekend, this guy texted me a huge message.  He said that he tried again with his ex but he couldn't do it.  He moved out with his parents and he finally left for good.  He said his ex threatened suicide (I actually believe this), and he didn't know how to act.

I felt bad for him and still loved him.  I said "let's be friends, we can get through this and I'm here for you".  The next week I invited him out to get his mind off things.  I said "let's keep it platonic, just friends, no sex or anything, I just want you to smile and have fun."  So we go out with my friends and him in tow.  Well, soon he's all over me.  Kissing, holding, cuddling, his beautiful eyes always gazing into mine.  It was not what I was expecting.  I was not comfortable with this because I feared being hurt again.  He asked "What's wrong?"

I said ... ."Please don't do this, and take it back again.  My heart cannot take it another time."

He said "I won't leave you ever again. I promise... ."

6 weeks later ... .he left me.  He said he wasn't over his ex and needed time to process things alone.  I couldn't believe it.  The pain ... .to be left twice.  It was so hurtful.  I just didn't understand.  I sent him a message saying how terrible I felt,  how much he had hurt me.  He promised so many things and then just took it away.  When I spoke to him, he started screaming at me at the top of his lungs.  "What do you know!  Who cares how you feel!  I need to do what's best for me!"

I had NEVER seen this side of him.  First I saw the cold person who wouldn't look at me, now this second break up, I saw a violent and aggressive person that I had NEVER even seen before!  I was in shock!

Time goes on.  A couple of weeks.  I'm devastated.  I contact him (like an idiot) and asked him what happened.  Why did he leave?  How did we get here?  He tried to explain but it didn't make sense.  I said "I will give you one more try.  I love you, can we try once more?  I will do anything to make you happy."

He agreed.  Time goes on.  He says "I feel different this time, I feel like I'm ready.  I'm happy.  I'm happy you're still here and you didn't leave."

6 weeks later (this is becoming a pattern) ... .We have lunch, dinner, see a movie.  He's all over me. Holding me, gazing into my eyes, "loving" me.  We feel so happy, he seems so happy and calm.  I'm excited and hopeful for our future.

The next day.

We wake up.  He won't look at me.  Won't talk.  I ask him what the problem is ... .

He stands up and SCREAMS!  "You forced me to get back with you!  I should have never said yes!  I hate you and you're ruining my life!"

What?   "How could I ever force you?  You said yes, why are you so mad?"

I try to hug him.  He pushes me.  Wow ... .  I'm in shock ... .I can't believe it.  He starts putting his clothes on and leaving.  I beg him to stay and calm down.  After a while I get him to relax, and then he turns into a child.  He starts howling in emotional pain,  bawling, crying, grabbing onto my shoulders and arms ... .

"I have to go.  I can't let go of you ... .but I have to go ... ."

He says this for hours and hours.  Crying and crying.  He finally leaves.  When he starts to go, I freak out.  I push him off me and I punch a wall, leaving a hole .  I HAVE NEVER ACTED IN A VIOLENT MANNER IN MY LIFE!  I feel insane, hurt, empty, betrayed ... .and he walks away. 

Again

Later that night his ex boyfriend calls.  "I heard you had a secret meeting with my boyfriend.  How did it go?  Was the sex good?  You've been caught!"

What?  I said "He told me you two had broken up months ago."

Then I can hear his shock ... .He says "We have never split. it sounds like he is lying and taking us for a ride ... .I'll be in contact with you soon if that's okay."

I agreed.  We talked a little more, compared notes, but I didn't learn much.

I texted my ex and said "I know you're moving on and back with your ex, but can you please explain to me why this happened and how we got here?  Im having a hard time moving on and I need your support through this breakup."

That was two weeks ago.

He never replied




If you made it this far, I know this is very long.  Just typing it out makes me feel better, but I am still so hurt and broken after this.  This man said so many beautiful and loving things.  I knew 100% in my mind, that if we made it a year together, that I would ask him to marry me.  To go from that feeling ... .to NOTHING, with no warning, and so suddenly ... .Is so painful it's like nothing I've ever experienced.

It's like I have retreated to childhood when my feelings were non sensical and insanely intense.  I know this man has EMOTIONALLY abused me!  However, I cannot move on.  I think of him all the time.  I miss him so much ... .  why do I miss someone who treated me so ___ing bad?

I have come to realize I need therapy.  I became attached to him because he needed saving constantly.  Whether is was saving him from his evil boyfriend, saving him from his self loathing, or saving him from his constant minor aches and pains ... .

I am a loving person.  I am a care taker by nature.  I love taking care of my boyfriend.  It's just built into me.

However now I am obsessed with someone long past the expedition date, and my love and caring has turned into self sabatoge and I am not valuing my self worth!

Logically I know this ... .but emotionally ... .I just want him back in my arms.

Now I'm the one with the mental instability and illness.

No man in my life has EVER driven me to feel this way or act this way.

If anybody can help me with anything they have to say ... .please do.  I fantasize of him all the time, and sometimes I fantasize of death.  I feel so empty right now.  Before I met him, I was single, happy, well liked, many friends !  I am relatively young, I'm in good shape, attractive, I make very good money.  I'm not being arrogant but I am a catch and I deserve more.

How have I been reduced to this?

Any words will help. I need support from people who know this disorder.  Thanks for reading this huge introduction.

[Rmbrworst]

Greetings.

I am a 33 year old gay male.  My ex partner of 6 months (1.5 years total as friends) is a 28 year old male.

We became friends through an online app.  He was in an open relationship, and we started as hook up buddies, but soon became good friends.  Our friendship was great.  We went to concerts together, hung out, sometimes even hung out with his boyfriend.  We all got along just fine.

The reason for their open relationship was the fact that they (for various reasons) decided their relationship was not compatible sexually, so they opened it up but stayed together as partners.  The boyfriend was well aware of our interactions, and actually said he was happy for it, as I seemed to make him happy and he needed good friends.

As time goes on, my connection to this guy was growing, and it wasn't just because of me.  We ended up going to a festival together, without his boyfriend, and this guy came onto me really hard.  Holding hands, pecking on cheeks, holding and cuddling.  More like boyfriends than friends. I became so attached to him after this that I started developing feelings.  I told him "We need to cool off because I'm getting too attached to you."

He told me that he was feeling the same, and that he has spoken to his boyfriend about having a three way relationship.  Now,  I'm not really into that type of thing, but I figured ... .Why not try?  Who knows, we are all friends and maybe something could work to make us all happy.

Well, after about a month of trying, I decided that it wasn't for me.  I didn't get to see him as often as I want in a boyfriend, and I broke up with him.  When I told him this ... .his response was flat.  Like nothing happened.  He just said "Okay" and hung up the phone.  I explained that we could be friends and just cool off a bit ... .but he had no response.

Two days later, he begged for me back.  BEGGED!   "I cannot live without you.  You are the most important person I've met in my life.  I just want to run and be with you, I've been miserable ever since you broke up with me.  I'm in love with you and dedicated to you."

I explained to him, that I loved him very much, but I can't be in a relationship with three people involved and that I needed to see my lover more often.  He said he was unhappy with his boyfriend.  He said they haven't been intimate in years, and that he wanted me instead.  He said he was breaking up with him and wanted to be with me.  I said that's his decision, I wouldn't force him to break up, but if he was unhappy, then he should do what's best.

He called later that day and said he broke up with his partner and that he wanted to start a life with me.  He wanted to meet up the next day for dinner and I accepted.

The next day, he seems upset via text.  He says he wants to cancel dinner, and that his ex is upset with him.  I said it was rude to cancel, and we should meet to discuss what's going on.  He agreed and we met in a park to talk.  When I approached him, he wouldn't look at me, wouldn't touch me, and he wouldn't hug me.  Totally not like him.  I asked him immediately ... ."Are you going back to him?"

He said "Yes"

I was ... .horrified.  I was so hurt.  I couldn't believe it.  Then suddenly ... .his ex shows up.  Apparently they planned to meet in the same spot.  His "ex" asked me to leave so they could talk, so I agreed.  And I left.

The week that followed I was a mess.  Crying for hours daily, so hurt and feeling so abused. How could someone beg for me, then leave the next day?  I have never encountered this behavior in my life.  Well,  the next weekend, this guy texted me a huge message.  He said that he tried again with his ex but he couldn't do it.  He moved out with his parents and he finally left for good.  He said his ex threatened suicide (I actually believe this), and he didn't know how to act.

I felt bad for him and still loved him.  I said "let's be friends, we can get through this and I'm here for you".  The next week I invited him out to get his mind off things.  I said "let's keep it platonic, just friends, no sex or anything, I just want you to smile and have fun."  So we go out with my friends and him in tow.  Well, soon he's all over me.  Kissing, holding, cuddling, his beautiful eyes always gazing into mine.  It was not what I was expecting.  I was not comfortable with this because I feared being hurt again.  He asked "What's wrong?"

I said ... ."Please don't do this, and take it back again.  My heart cannot take it another time."

He said "I won't leave you ever again. I promise... ."

6 weeks later ... .he left me.  He said he wasn't over his ex and needed time to process things alone.  I couldn't believe it.  The pain ... .to be left twice.  It was so hurtful.  I just didn't understand.  I sent him a message saying how terrible I felt,  how much he had hurt me.  He promised so many things and then just took it away.  When I spoke to him, he started screaming at me at the top of his lungs.  "What do you know!  Who cares how you feel!  I need to do what's best for me!"

I had NEVER seen this side of him.  First I saw the cold person who wouldn't look at me, now this second break up, I saw a violent and aggressive person that I had NEVER even seen before!  I was in shock!

Time goes on.  A couple of weeks.  I'm devastated.  I contact him (like an idiot) and asked him what happened.  Why did he leave?  How did we get here?  He tried to explain but it didn't make sense.  I said "I will give you one more try.  I love you, can we try once more?  I will do anything to make you happy."

He agreed.  Time goes on.  He says "I feel different this time, I feel like I'm ready.  I'm happy.  I'm happy you're still here and you didn't leave."

6 weeks later (this is becoming a pattern) ... .We have lunch, dinner, see a movie.  He's all over me. Holding me, gazing into my eyes, "loving" me.  We feel so happy, he seems so happy and calm.  I'm excited and hopeful for our future.

The next day.

We wake up.  He won't look at me.  Won't talk.  I ask him what the problem is ... .

He stands up and SCREAMS!  "You forced me to get back with you!  I should have never said yes!  I hate you and you're ruining my life!"

What?   "How could I ever force you?  You said yes, why are you so mad?"

I try to hug him.  He pushes me.  Wow ... .  I'm in shock ... .I can't believe it.  He starts putting his clothes on and leaving.  I beg him to stay and calm down.  After a while I get him to relax, and then he turns into a child.  He starts howling in emotional pain,  bawling, crying, grabbing onto my shoulders and arms ... .

"I have to go.  I can't let go of you ... .but I have to go ... ."

He says this for hours and hours.  Crying and crying.  He finally leaves.  When he starts to go, I freak out.  I push him off me and I punch a wall, leaving a hole .  I HAVE NEVER ACTED IN A VIOLENT MANNER IN MY LIFE!  I feel insane, hurt, empty, betrayed ... .and he walks away. 

Again

Later that night his ex boyfriend calls.  "I heard you had a secret meeting with my boyfriend.  How did it go?  Was the sex good?  You've been caught!"

What?  I said "He told me you two had broken up months ago."

Then I can hear his shock ... .He says "We have never split. it sounds like he is lying and taking us for a ride ... .I'll be in contact with you soon if that's okay."

I agreed.  We talked a little more, compared notes, but I didn't learn much.

I texted my ex and said "I know you're moving on and back with your ex, but can you please explain to me why this happened and how we got here?  Im having a hard time moving on and I need your support through this breakup."

That was two weeks ago.

He never replied




If you made it this far, I know this is very long.  Just typing it out makes me feel better, but I am still so hurt and broken after this.  This man said so many beautiful and loving things.  I knew 100% in my mind, that if we made it a year together, that I would ask him to marry me.  To go from that feeling ... .to NOTHING, with no warning, and so suddenly ... .Is so painful it's like nothing I've ever experienced.

It's like I have retreated to childhood when my feelings were non sensical and insanely intense.  I know this man has EMOTIONALLY abused me!  However, I cannot move on.  I think of him all the time.  I miss him so much ... .  why do I miss someone who treated me so ___ing bad?

I have come to realize I need therapy.  I became attached to him because he needed saving constantly.  Whether is was saving him from his evil boyfriend, saving him from his self loathing, or saving him from his constant minor aches and pains ... .

I am a loving person.  I am a care taker by nature.  I love taking care of my boyfriend.  It's just built into me.

However now I am obsessed with someone long past the expedition date, and my love and caring has turned into self sabatoge and I am not valuing my self worth!

Logically I know this ... .but emotionally ... .I just want him back in my arms.

Now I'm the one with the mental instability and illness.

No man in my life has EVER driven me to feel this way or act this way.

If anybody can help me with anything they have to say ... .please do.  I fantasize of him all the time, and sometimes I fantasize of death.  I feel so empty right now.  Before I met him, I was single, happy, well liked, many friends !  I am relatively young, I'm in good shape, attractive, I make very good money.  I'm not being arrogant but I am a catch and I deserve more.

How have I been reduced to this?

Any words will help. I need support from people who know this disorder.  Thanks for reading this huge introduction.

[Mutt]

Hi Rmbrworst,



I'm sorry to hear that. You mentioned attachment and a person with BPD ( pwBPD )  have disturbed attachment styles. A pwBPD want emotional intimacy but are not capable of sustaining adult emotional intimacy and push when their partners become too close and pull because the person is terrified of being alone. The push / pull behavior of a pwBPD can feel like crazy making behavior to the non-disordered partner.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Fear of Intimacy

You haven't heard from him in two weeks. Do you want to save the relationship?

[Rmbrworst]

Thank you so much for responding.

I contacted him two weeks ago, both one day apart from each other.  I told him I wanted to understand and heal, and asked him to answer some questions for me.

The messages are in "read" status on my iPhone, and he hasn't responded.  He has also blocked me and all mutual friends on social media.  Not only that, it seems he was carrying on a relationship with his ex behind my back.

All of these things combined make me feel it's time to move on.  At this point, there is no more relationship available to me.  Not only that, I cannot allow someone to abuse me emotionally like this, no matter how much I care.

My broken heart wants him back.  I do love him.  If he got therapy and proved he has moved on from his "ex" then I would try again.  Anything less than that ... .No.

So in a sense I do want him back and love him ... .in another sense it's definitely time to put this behind me.

Right now I think it's best to re learn how to love myself after this abusive up and down relationship. 

I wish I had a better answer .  My mind and heart are just so confused right now.  I do wish he would see a therapist with me but he won't.  I'm working on finding therapy of my own.

Thank you for the welcome and the link.

Much love

[Mutt]

Rmbrworst,

It's my pleasure. It helps to talk. I don't think that there's a right or wrong answer. I can relate with the pain and confusion. I have a feeling that you'll hear back from your ex. Are you ready for that?

Have you thought about minimal contact or no contact? I think that it's a good idea to self-protect for awhile to re-learn how to love yourself and heal.

[Rmbrworst]

Rmbrworst,

It's my pleasure. It helps to talk. I don't think that there's a right or wrong answer. I can relate with the pain and confusion. I have a feeling that you'll hear back from your ex. Are you ready for that?

Have you thought about minimal contact or no contact? I think that it's a good idea to self-protect for awhile to re-learn how to love yourself and heal.

The last txt I sent him I explained that I was hurt that after all the love and good times we shared that he was not willing to answer questions to help me heal. I told him I would no longer be contacting him again.

I have essentially gone no contact.  If he does contact me, I plan to ask questions, but I will not entertain any ideas that involve getting back together in any type of relationship, even friendship. 

I have the ability to not contact him, and I have been holding strong.  However if he contacts me I don't think I will ignore the initial conversation.  However when I get (or don't get) answers, I will resume no contact.  I have the support of friends who said they will help me do this if and when it happens.

I have a question for you though.  He has not contacted me for so long, why do you think he will ever try in the future?  It seems he has totally dropped me , very suddenly and very coldly.

I am focused on myself right now, and I agree self protecting is important.  I refuse to enter any kind of relationship or friendship at this time.  Maybe if he gets help , but I will not be the one to "save" him and get him the help he needs.  If he does contact me, it will probably only be because he is unhappy with going back to his ex, and will need to fill his emptiness.  Not because he loves me or cares about me (it's always about him).


I'm not sure if I'm ready to speak to him or not if he contacts, but I am curious what you think I should do if he does.

Thank you for your time and asking these questions

[Mutt]

Rmbrworst,

He's removed himself from your life - push

I think he's going to attempt contact or try get back into your life - pull

I think you have the right idea with no contact, set the boundary on yourself. My advice is lessen the emotional attachment, no contact is not a hard and fast rule but it will speed up your recovery. Hang in there.

[Rmbrworst]

Mutt,

This interaction has helped me immensely.  Thank you very much.  I will be reading these boards in the meantime.  If he does contact me, I may come back and post for support.

For now, it's time to focus on myself.

Thank you. 

Much love.