BPD and homosexual experience

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Did your partners have homosexual experiences?

I am not talking about the ones who declare themselves as homosexual.

For example, my exGF said that she had homosexual experience with two friends in the past. She said that she was not sure about her sexual preferences so she tried it (typical BPD symptom I guess... .).

She concluded that she is not gay.

But her current best friend is lesbian and they are very close.

Not sure, but after the breakup I had doubts that she may have some stronger feelings toward her.

I remember once, before we strted dating officially, two of them went to vacation, short trip. During messaging with her, she said to me that she needs to leave the room because her friend decided to sleep in her bed. At the time, I found that some 'girly thing', not so unusual. Was that a red flag too?

[blackbirdsong]

Did your partners have homosexual experiences?

I am not talking about the ones who declare themselves as homosexual.

For example, my exGF said that she had homosexual experience with two friends in the past. She said that she was not sure about her sexual preferences so she tried it (typical BPD symptom I guess... .).

She concluded that she is not gay.

But her current best friend is lesbian and they are very close.

Not sure, but after the breakup I had doubts that she may have some stronger feelings toward her.

I remember once, before we strted dating officially, two of them went to vacation, short trip. During messaging with her, she said to me that she needs to leave the room because her friend decided to sleep in her bed. At the time, I found that some 'girly thing', not so unusual. Was that a red flag too?

[Itstopsnow]

My ex was against homosexuality . And he hated cops too. Lol. So random and weird. But I think he was molested and I do believe he had sexually identity problems that they talk about with BPD people. He never wanted oral sex from any of his girlfriends. I think he may of felt Shame from either being molested and also probably because it was an act he did most likely with men when he was younger and women weren't an option. I absolutely believe that. The way he would talk down about gay people in the church . I always told him to stop that. He was likely projecting his behaviors on others . Typical behavior of him

[vortex of confusion]

I don't think the homosexual experiences are a red flag by themselves. I think what is more of a red flag is not being sure of her sexual preferences.

My stbx had told me that he had sexual identity issues when he was younger. I didn't think anything of it because it was when he was younger. When we had been married 15 years, he came out and told me that he was bisexual. He had a bisexual experience at that time and then decided that he wasn't bisexual after all. A couple of years later, another opportunity for a bisexual experience presented itself and suddenly he was bisexual again. This time, he went so far as to come out to a bunch of friends and said that all of his issues were related to him being confused about his sexual identity.

The funny thing is that we are both seeing other people. He made such a big deal about wanting to explore his bisexual side yet all he is chasing is women. 

[blackbirdsong]

I don't think the homosexual experiences are a red flag by themselves. I think what is more of a red flag is not being sure of her sexual preferences.

My stbx had told me that he had sexual identity issues when he was younger. I didn't think anything of it because it was when he was younger. When we had been married 15 years, he came out and told me that he was bisexual. He had a bisexual experience at that time and then decided that he wasn't bisexual after all. A couple of years later, another opportunity for a bisexual experience presented itself and suddenly he was bisexual again. This time, he went so far as to come out to a bunch of friends and said that all of his issues were related to him being confused about his sexual identity.

The funny thing is that we are both seeing other people. He made such a big deal about wanting to explore his bisexual side yet all he is chasing is women. 

Sorry, maybe I expressed myself in a wrong way. I also didn't say that homosexuality is a red flag. When I was refering to the red flag I meant her and her friend in bed, when I didn't know that she has sexual identity issues.

At that time, to me it was weird that two girls sleep in the same bed, especially if one of them is lesbian. Like I said, at that time I didn't know that my ex had lesbian experience. Who knows, maybe it was a 'girl thing', without real action. I will never know.

But it is not odd that they don't have clear sexual identity because they don't have any image of themselves. In any aspect.

[thisagain]

I agree that it's part of their identity confusion and lacking a sense of self. On the flip side, my ex was very much a lesbian when she was not dysregulated. Periodically her fear of engulfment would get triggered and she'd decide she was bisexual and wanted to sleep with men.

She used it to push me away (because she knew it was a dealbreaker) and differentiate herself. It's a very powerful devaluation of the relationship, to say I don't want you, in fact I want the opposite of you and there's absolutely no way you could be what I want. As soon as I said I wasn't willing to have an open relationship, she'd maybe rage at me over it for a couple days and then flip back to begging me not to leave her. The better I got at avoiding conflict with her, the more crap like this she had to pull to maintain her comfort-zone level of drama.

I would sleep in the same bed as a friend if it was big enough, change clothes in front of a friend, etc. It's not really equivalent to a straight woman sleeping in the same bed as a guy. I probably wouldn't if I was in a relationship though, just out of respect for my partner (and definitely not if I was in a relationship and the friend wasn't straight). My ex shared a bed with one of her friends near the end of our relationship, and it was obnoxious that she didn't have enough respect for our relationship to think that might be inappropriate.

Another ex, not BPD, spent the night at HER ex's house every week and shared a bed, which I discovered when she complained to me about having to sleep on the couch because of the ex's snoring   but I digress.