Just want to lash out

[Brab]

I must be going through my "anger" stage... .oh well, the upside is I'm that much closer to acceptance!

I just want to lash at her and send VENOM... .

I've been so loving and understanding with her about our relationship and the break up. I never challenged her decisions or requests, never asked for any explanations other than the lame txt messages I received. I never blamed her or cited her vile behaviour... .I pretty much just said OK, I understand and wished her well. When I ran into her last week; I was cheerful, polite, and kind... .of course the entire convo was all about her and her dramas... .

I don't wanna wear the robe and sandals anymore! I want to verbally tear her apart... .but... .it seems from what I've read, that's precisely what she WANTS me to do and what all her ex's have done. She'd LOVE it! I have to remember that nothing speaks louder than silence... .and she's never been put in the nc zone from an ex... .nor has she ever been treated with kindness and respect when she discarded someone. They all seemed to go pretty mental... .

I know nc is supposed to be about me healing and going forward but I can't deny I'm enjoying how this is likely to be causing her pain. My kid sister and friends have started to ice her as well and she doesn't like it much... .

I'm just not wired like this and I tend to be very gentle and forgiving but this is my truth tonight... .I'm revelling in the idea she might be in pain over this... .how do they effect us so much?

I'm off to an Ashram in India for a month on Sunday for some much needed (obvi) spiritual healing and so hoping to evict her from my brain because she ain't payin any rent. Maybe even find compassion, forgiveness, and true acceptance... .but not tonight  

[Anez]

Lash out, Brab!

But yea do it here. Never do it to her.

[Mutt]

Hi Brab,

I was cheerful, polite, and kind...

I understand. Did you find it difficult to communicate how you felt or what you needed in the relationship?

[Brab]

Hi Mutt, thanks for your message... .

Yes, I did find it difficult but not in my ability to articulate how I felt or what I needed... .it's just how it was received when I did. She would become irritated to enraged whenever I did and accuse me of pressuring her... .

She discarded me the day after I told her I needed some warmth from her to which she responded "how old are you?" followed by "I feel like you're always unhappy with me"

The irony here is that I found her incredibly needy and demanding of my time and attention... .god forbid I didn't respond to her requests or text or email... .I also didn't go on holiday with her, truthfully because I needed a break from her but I told her it was due to business. She never let me hear the end of that but I'm starting to understand why now.

[Mutt]

Brab,

I asked because it doesn't like anger, it sounds like resentment. It must of been difficult, was she irritated often?

[kc sunshine]

Did she devalue you before your broke up Brab? If so, how?

I must be going through my "anger" stage... .oh well, the upside is I'm that much closer to acceptance!

I just want to lash at her and send VENOM... .

I've been so loving and understanding with her about our relationship and the break up. I never challenged her decisions or requests, never asked for any explanations other than the lame txt messages I received. I never blamed her or cited her vile behaviour... .I pretty much just said OK, I understand and wished her well. When I ran into her last week; I was cheerful, polite, and kind... .of course the entire convo was all about her and her dramas... .

I don't wanna wear the robe and sandals anymore! I want to verbally tear her apart... .but... .it seems from what I've read, that's precisely what she WANTS me to do and what all her ex's have done. She'd LOVE it! I have to remember that nothing speaks louder than silence... .and she's never been put in the nc zone from an ex... .nor has she ever been treated with kindness and respect when she discarded someone. They all seemed to go pretty mental... .

I know nc is supposed to be about me healing and going forward but I can't deny I'm enjoying how this is likely to be causing her pain. My kid sister and friends have started to ice her as well and she doesn't like it much... .

I'm just not wired like this and I tend to be very gentle and forgiving but this is my truth tonight... .I'm revelling in the idea she might be in pain over this... .how do they effect us so much?

I'm off to an Ashram in India for a month on Sunday for some much needed (obvi) spiritual healing and so hoping to evict her from my brain because she ain't payin any rent. Maybe even find compassion, forgiveness, and true acceptance... .but not tonight  

[Lonely_Astro]

Hi Mutt, thanks for your message... .

Yes, I did find it difficult but not in my ability to articulate how I felt or what I needed... .it's just how it was received when I did. She would become irritated to enraged whenever I did and accuse me of pressuring her... .

She discarded me the day after I told her I needed some warmth from her to which she responded "how old are you?" followed by "I feel like you're always unhappy with me"

The irony here is that I found her incredibly needy and demanding of my time and attention... .god forbid I didn't respond to her requests or text or email... .I also didn't go on holiday with her, truthfully because I needed a break from her but I told her it was due to business. She never let me hear the end of that but I'm starting to understand why now.

Lashing out and tearing her down is exactly what she wants you to do.  It's partly because that's how she would justify all the vile and inhumane things she did to you to herself ("see?  I was right to do those things because he really didn't care/love/want me".  Giving in to the rage you feel would feel great but you'd feel remorse afterward.  It would be a hollow victory.

J, like yours, was often needy in her own way.  She never would say she needed me, I was expected to know she did.  Of course, when I wanted to see her, she would if it was  convenient for her.  Otherwise, it was a fight or I was outright ignored.  Then she'd pop up the next day with an excuse (the classic "you never replied to my message" was often used - even when I never received a message and id ask her why she simply didn't call).  Anyway, I was supposed to be a mind reader.  If she did send a text and I didn't reply within just a few minutes, I would be greeted with a flurry of more about how she "guessed I was done" with her, yet it was ok for her to take hours (if at all) for her to reply.  Keep in mind this was toward the end, where she kept me in limbo for several months.  

I have been angry.  I have wanted to give into the dark side and rage at her like the evil person she seems to want me to be.  I won't do it.  Not because I'm not capable but because I know showing her indifference hurts her worse than feeding her drama.  Is it punitive?  Maybe.  I feel I have every right to dish some punishment since she was so quick to punish me over the past year (even when I was undeserving).  

The truth is I was great to J.  Our circumstances wasn't ideal, not at all.  But I gave her as much love as I could and did my best with those given circumstances.  I can't say the same for her.  Maybe one day she will be "better" and we can talk like adults.  I don't see that happening, but maybe.

[Brab]

Thanks Mutt,

Yes, I agree it's resentment for sure... .

Yes, she was often irritated once the devaluation started but not at me exclusively... .she was irritated with everyone from her house cleaner, family, friends and every thing in between, constantly splitting... .balck, white, black, white ad infinitum

She just became irritated and rather demeaning to me whenever I expressed and needs or concerns about the relationship... .in retrospect, I think her fear of my rejection and abandonment was off the chart... .

[Mutt]

she was irritated with everyone from her house cleaner, family, friends and every thing in between, constantly splitting... .balck, white, black, white ad infinitum

Brab,

She was treating everyone similarly and self sabotaging.

What was going on with her? Was she stressed out from school, career problems, legal problems?

[Brab]

Yes, she did devalue me... .

She had multiple dramas going on and I was doing my best to be supportive... .some fairly heavy things without going into detail. I remember the exact day it started. I had some business difficulties and my sleep was suffering which opens the door to PTSD from my military service... .that's generally not a big deal and I see someone for it when it crops up and just get on with it. It's just something I've learned to live with... .

I hadn't slept right for a few days and I was a bit less cheerful and talkative than usual and she just said "you're moody and full of self pity aren't you?" what the heck? Up to that day she was sweet, demure, and seemingly even a bit shy, it just blind sided me and went downhill from there

I don't talk much about my military experiences, I've done all I need to and I just accept and live with my condition. It's usually not a big deal, just something I need to take care of and deal with it when it comes up but she was like a dog with a bone and said some very naive and hurtful things with absolutely no knowledge or understanding of my experiences and condition. She just doesn't have a clue... .

It all kind of went downhill from there really push pull, idealise devalue... .some very cutting and downright bizarre comments as well as her recount of our conversations that made me start to think I was speaking to her in another language... .accusing me of saying things I simply never said... .I actually started to question my sanity. I know I was a bit sleep deprived but I've never lost the plot... .I think I was quite vulnerable at the time and not in a fit state to fight my corner very well... .

Then the discard came... .very sudden and ice cold via text... .about six weeks ago

[Brab]

Yes Mutt,

She did have some significant stuff going on with work, family etc.

[Mutt]

Yes Mutt,

She did have some significant stuff going on with work, family etc.

Brab,

Did you meet her family? It sounds like she had a lot of stress. Splitting is a primitive defense mechanism that protects from anxiety / stress.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

[Rmbrworst]

I lashed out and I regret it.  Just more fuel to the fire, and more reason for the BPD partner/ex to feel validated for the things they did to you.

It felt good at the time . . . and I only did it ONCE during our relationship, but looking back it's not the person I am.  I would never say those terrible things I did . . . but I was just so heartbroken and angry, I couldn't help myself.

People with BPD seem to just bring out the worst in me.  I acted like a totally different person.  Very sad. 

Lash out here if you need to.  Dont fuel the fire.

[Brab]

Yes, I did meet the family and they were very fond of me... .

There's no doubt she had stressful things going on however all these dramas were as a result of her previous bad behaviour and things I didn't even know about until well into the relationship... .

I hate sounding like such a "victim" and still can't believe I've been effected by this so profoundly... .

She actually found and chased me, I didn't even find her that attractive but she just had this oddly seductive way about her... .then she threw herself at me, threw her dramas at me and threw me away... .just like that... .

I'm know intellectually that my conduct with all this is the right thing to do, I know I'd play right into her game and take the bait if I raged at her... .but I still want to and part of me still even wants her back... .I just don't get it

[Mutt]

Barb,

It really hurts when our exes unexpectedly cuts us out of their lives. Did you feel sympathy with all of the drama in her life?

[Brab]

I did, yes and by her own admission was very supportive. She just decided overnight that it was all too much for her and she couldn't be in a relationship because she was "haunted" by memories of discarding her ex husband (now remarried) and she couldn't be with anyone. She had devalued him throughout our r/s saying he was emotionally weak and never supported her... .

The discard was just so ice cold... .it came only two days after my "debut" with her extended family and her professing how much she was into me... .

I've been through break ups before and they're never nice but I've never felt anything like this... .I'm so grateful my life allows me to go off to India for a month and do some healing... .I know I'll feel better that I've handled this the way I have once I'm there and lashing out will only hurt ME in the long run... .

Our social circles intersect and I need to maintain my dignity and if I know if I break nc in any way... .I loose all my power and it will slowly erode my dignity.

A wise friend once said, "people will usually forget things you said to them, but they will never forget how you made them feel" and this has been my experience. So even in the haze of her condition she still acknowledges my support... .I suppose I should feel good about that.

But I still want to give her an earful and I'm wishing her pain because I'm in pain. It just where I am right now, I'm only human... .

[Mutt]

But I still want to give her an earful and I'm wishing her pain because I'm in pain. It just where I am right now, I'm only human... .

I can relate with that. I would feel angry and hurt if I was introduced to her extended family and cut off two days after. It wouldn't make sense.

Wise words from your friend. NC is not a hard and fast rule. Its a good idea to self protect and give yourself compassion. The timing sounds right with obvi in India.

It sounds like she has shame and guilt from failed relationships when she was devaluating her ex husband in your relationship. It's going to be harder for the next man. Have a safe trip on Sunday.

[Brab]

Thanks Mutt,

I honestly don't think there's going to be a replacement with another man... .at least not for a while. I don't think this is wishful thinking on my part either... .

I seem to have been replaced by a new group of friends she's fallen in with who absolutely hate men. She seems to be revelling in this and it's bizarre. They're so arrogant and it's all so incongruous with the girl I first met.

My guess is it won't be long before she paints all them black and knocks on my door and I need to be prepared.

[Brab]

Thanks Mutt,

I honestly don't think there's going to be a replacement with another man... .at least not for a while. I don't think this is wishful thinking on my part either... .

I seem to have been replaced by a new group of friends she's fallen in with who absolutely hate men. She seems to be revelling in this and it's bizarre. They're so arrogant and it's all so incongruous with the girl I first met.

My guess is it won't be long before she paints all them black and knocks on my door and I need to be prepared.