Yet Another Reminder of the Anger and Frustration...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

He emailed me to ask me two things... .One; Does he need a lawyer or will mine be able to handle the divorce. Two; How are we handling taxes this year... .I said, I haven't heard from my lawyer yet. ( I am not going to tell him what to do or not to do, even though if he gets one he is going to spend more money than he wants to spend). I am sure he is anxious to do his taxes, because he "thinks" he is going to get a refund. First, he tends to put down several dependents which gives him more money every week, but he ends up paying the taxes back the next year! (or I did). He wouldn't listen to me about not doing that... .so left to his own devices, who knows. Also, we sold the house and made no money since we only had it a short time. It was totally in his name. We received some escrow money back in which we divided up. He is confused or just plain doesn't understand taxes. He has been raging at me through e-mail, like I am trying to screw him out of money! He keeps saying that we are "going to have to do things the hard way" whatever that means... .When I finally explained to him that he will get any write offs that come from the taxes paid the few months we owned it, I heard nothing more. I told him I was trying to be nice to him and explain this to him... .he should just talk to his tax person if he needs to understand this better. He said " I don't want to argue with you"! UUUGGGHHH! I said "gee, no apology? I am so surprised!"  Seriously, he has no clue how to do this stuff... .maybe he wanted me to do it with him. He is so convinced I am trying to screw him over! I said, I wish I could take the write off, but the house is in your name!  This is the stuff I am glad I don't have to deal with him in person! I would never hear the end of it when he thinks he is right and I am out to get him... .I wish he would just take this stuff out on his live in gf and not me! I have decided he is about 15 years mentally behind his age. As we all know, many times he is flat out a toddler. Here we have the boy trying to be the man and not knowing what he is talking about. A gentile reminder to be glad I am out!

[Herodias]

He emailed me to ask me two things... .One; Does he need a lawyer or will mine be able to handle the divorce. Two; How are we handling taxes this year... .I said, I haven't heard from my lawyer yet. ( I am not going to tell him what to do or not to do, even though if he gets one he is going to spend more money than he wants to spend). I am sure he is anxious to do his taxes, because he "thinks" he is going to get a refund. First, he tends to put down several dependents which gives him more money every week, but he ends up paying the taxes back the next year! (or I did). He wouldn't listen to me about not doing that... .so left to his own devices, who knows. Also, we sold the house and made no money since we only had it a short time. It was totally in his name. We received some escrow money back in which we divided up. He is confused or just plain doesn't understand taxes. He has been raging at me through e-mail, like I am trying to screw him out of money! He keeps saying that we are "going to have to do things the hard way" whatever that means... .When I finally explained to him that he will get any write offs that come from the taxes paid the few months we owned it, I heard nothing more. I told him I was trying to be nice to him and explain this to him... .he should just talk to his tax person if he needs to understand this better. He said " I don't want to argue with you"! UUUGGGHHH! I said "gee, no apology? I am so surprised!"  Seriously, he has no clue how to do this stuff... .maybe he wanted me to do it with him. He is so convinced I am trying to screw him over! I said, I wish I could take the write off, but the house is in your name!  This is the stuff I am glad I don't have to deal with him in person! I would never hear the end of it when he thinks he is right and I am out to get him... .I wish he would just take this stuff out on his live in gf and not me! I have decided he is about 15 years mentally behind his age. As we all know, many times he is flat out a toddler. Here we have the boy trying to be the man and not knowing what he is talking about. A gentile reminder to be glad I am out!

[Mutt]

This is the stuff I am glad I don't have to deal with him in person!

Herodias,

I know right?

I have 3 kids, diapers, sleepers, clothes, cribs, strollers, high chairs, car seats, etc... .It was an expense getting ready for a child. Does he generally worry about finances? Do you think that he might be triggered with the expenses on his end?

[Herodias]

Mutt, I think you are onto something.,... I really don't think either of them understand what they are getting into. I shutter to think... .

[Mutt]

Herodias,

He made his own bed, he can lay in it.

My advice. Don't rescue.

[Herodias]

Oh, I'm not... , I just don't want to be the one he argues with anymore... .And yes, he does worry about finances because he likes to spend money. It makes him feel like a big shot! Yet, he has not paid any of his credit cards for the past 6 months and they are all earning interest and fees. The gf was demoted so she doesn't have her big income any more. They have to be struggling already.

[Mutt]

I just don't want to be the one he argues with anymore... .

I would feel tired of it too. Are you worried that things are not going to get better? Do you feel like you can't see a day ahead of you where you don't feel pain and hurt?

[Herodias]

I am actually starting to feel better and glad I am out.

[Mutt]

I'm glad to hear that Herodias  

A pwBPD rarely completely detaches, I'm sure that you know that. There was a period where my ex would ask me things that I wasn't obligated to. She had a fender bender and she wanted me to pay for it She had moved out, she wanted a divorce with no reconciliation, and she had a boyfriend.

For awhile I would JADE. So, I tried to explain to her why I wouldn't pay for the fender bender. She subconsciously looks for rescue, some pwBPD may be aware and many are not aware that they look to someone to take care of things for them that an adult should really be doing on their own. I was her fixer, helper and savior.

What helps stop the arguing is boundaries and not JADE. My ex wife knows my boundaries and she will from time to time test them when she's feeling out of control. Honestly, our exchanges are pleasant because I know how to communicate with her. It took time to work through all of my hurt feelings, learn, set & tweak boundaries, not JADE, learn & apply communication tools like validation & SET. I did all of that so that my kids could be exposed to the least amount of drama with a mother that is mentally ill after divorce.

I think that a good place for you to stop the arguing is setting boundaries and not JADE. I'm not saying that you have to learn the communication tools but to stop the bleeding, it has to come from the emotionally stable partner. How does that sound like to you?

[Herodias]

That sounds about right... .what is JADE?

[Mutt]

JADE stands for Justify Attack Defend Explain.

I can't recall exactly what I said to my ex wife but I did get into an exchange with her 3 separate times when she asked me to pay for the car damage and I was explaining to her that I think that her boyfriend should be responsible to pay for the damages. She said that I was obligated to pay for it because we were "legally" separated and not divorced and then she later altered that and said that the damage was done while we were living in the same home :/

I would never hear the end of it when he thinks he is right and I am out to get him... .I wish he would just take this stuff out on his live in gf and not me!

My boundary is that I don't make things worst, I coach and lead with my ex with co-parenting. I'm always polite, I would simply reply back and say "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I hope you get things sorted out." If she's accusatory, blame shifting, angry, or emotionally blackmailing, I don't JADE my boundary. I don't Justify, Attack, Defend, Explain. I say things once. It took practice and time to get better but the more that I kept defending my boundaries the less that she asks because she knows that if she asks me, I mean it.

This is a good link:

How J.A.D.E. and acceptence has saved me... .and my sanity.

[Herodias]

Mutt, that is so helpful! I actually just got an e-mail from him this morning saying; "I'm in desperate need of $400 today please. My car insurance will lapse, I can't pay you back in full until the 12th of February but will make partial payments as I can. I'm begging you to please help me"... . I told him to call me... .we spoke for a little bit. I was able to find out that he is once again worried about losing his job and that he is not getting along with his manager, they will not promote him due to all the stuff he has going on in his personal life. His pending felony charge is ongoing and will be dismissed in 6 months with good behavior, but he had to pay more money for fines on that.  He admitted he lied about getting promoted and he apologized for the anger at me about the taxes. I asked him why he thought I should help him with anything since he has been so mean to me. I told him I can not believe any reason he has for asking for money, for all I know he is using it to get a lawyer to go against me! I asked him what I would get out of helping him? ... .He had nothing to say. He said he still owed his parents and could not ask them. I told him that he should ask his gf, (they are living together and having a baby)but he said she doesn't have any money. I could;t help but call him a bigamist (he said he didn't like that word, obviously someone else called him that). I said gee, both of you are managers and should have plenty of money (I acted like I did not know she stepped down from her position) He said "It's not like that) He told me he has $14 to his name. I asked him if he knew how much babies cost? He said, yes... .(I don't think he really does). I said, I am sorry, but I have had to help my Mother out financially and I am on my own to support myself. There are two of them and they should be able to take care of themselves. I reminded him that we are not divorced and he needs to save money for that! He said he thought it would not cost much money. I told him it will probably cost as much as we paid for the separation and that it is more complicated than he thought. (I think he is now prepared for the letter to come from my lawyer) He said I am sorry to upset you. He wrote me later and said, " It was wrong of me to ask, I am sorry".  Again, I don't understand why he isn't arguing with her... .they put themselves in this position- both of them. They will have to figure it out. I guess this is "JADE" what I did here  and will use what you are saying in the future. "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I hope you get things sorted out." I am sure he will ask again. So I wonder... .is he happy with his choices? I guess I will never know. He could be "happy" with her, but not happy with work and his financial situation... .I don't know. All I know is  I am happier with out his drama, that's for sure.

[Mutt]

Herodias,

I'm happy that I could help That's a really good point. He could use the money that you give to him to give to his lawyer?

I would wager that he may not not have anybody else he can turn to with his friends and family for money? Maybe she can turn to her friends and family and ask them for money? It doesn't sound good. They made their choices together.

I'm glad that you're happy that you're out of this drama. Take good care of you  

To answer your question about why he's not arguing with her. She is not split black.

[JaneStorm]

Mutt:

To answer your question about why he's not arguing with her. She is not split black.

*Yet.