Twisted Sister

[joydevotee]

Hello,

I don't know where to start.  I am grieving the loss of my relationship with my sister, who probably has BPD (several therapists have dxd her with this, years ago).  I believe BPD explains my Mom's behaviors perfectly, as well, now that I'm actually looking into this.  My sis just ended her 2nd marriage, having him arrested at his office for domestic violence.  She now says she didn't mean it, but will not retract her statements.  I believed her for far too long, and was contributing financially for several years so she could gather a "nest egg" to get out... .then helped her move her things into a storage unit, then moved she and her children into my house, then--when she said it was too crowded, I had to move my kids and I out and found a new rental... .then, she had a major health crisis and moved into our new place... .on and on, until she abruptly moved out of my house and blocked me on facebk, told my nieces/nephews I was abusive, accused me of the same things she accused her now-ex husband of, and cut me out of her life.  She tells mutual friends and relatives that I've never tried to help her when I've exhausted my resources to show her love.  Now she has started an online contribution site to fund her life and has abruptly moved out of state without saying goodbye... .Extended relatives are asking me about whether I'm in touch with her, whether I'm helping her... .I don't know what to say.  I feel very isolated and am having a hard time moving on with my life.  This is just so incredibly painful.  I wish I could just say the truth:  my sis has a prescription pain pill addiction that is out of control, abuses alcohol and has BPD.  She'll use you until you're all spent and then cut you off and move on to the next person... .but, I don't believe in airing dirty laundry; I don't want to harm her in any way, and I aspire to be gracious.  I have said to a few close mutual friends:  "I've done everything in my power to help her and I wish her every happiness; thank you for supporting her with your friendship." when they asked, but... .I still feel just awful.  There is only so much that crying it out while taking the dog for a run will heal... . 

[Deb]

I have said to a few close mutual friends:  "I've done everything in my power to help her and I wish her every happiness; thank you for supporting her with your friendship." when they asked, but... .I still feel just awful.  There is only so much that crying it out while taking the dog for a run will heal... . 

Hi joydevotee,

The above is about all you can say. If you say negative things about her, most people will just think "sibling rivalry" and "she said/she said". I know because I had to learn that the hard way. Most people would say things like "But she's your S I S T E R!" Because they can only think in terms of how they relate with their siblings.

And as for crying, oh boy, did I cry. I cried until I had no more tears. The only thing YOU can do is take care of YOU. As much as you care for your sister, you can't make her get better or seek treatment.

What you can do:

>> Look at the lessons to the right of the screen

>> Learn about BPD. I reccomend the books "Stop Walking On Eggshells" and "Controlling People" to start.

>> Take care of yourself. Do something nice for you, even if it's just a bubble bath

It gets better. It really does.

[Charlie3236]

Hi Joydwvotee!

Boy I feel your story like a punch to the gut. I've been through similar things with my BPD little sis. Luckily we had already moved apart when things really went south permanently. I'm pretty sure her dive into oblivion also had to do with pain pills.

BPD is a beast. I hate it, I hate what it's done to my family. It's sad and it never gets better. I'm heartbroken, and just trying to focus on other things. I hope and pray you will get there too. There IS a light at the end of this tunnel!

[joydevotee]

Thank you so much for your kindness and replies; I really appreciate your words.  (Wish I could figure out how to reply individually... .

Deb, I've heard "but she's your SISTER" a lot, especially since she set up the online fundraising acct saying she and her children are homeless, though this is not true.  I saw something on this site that was a great comfort to me, regarding faulty beliefs that "I am the only one who can help [the BPD person]" when for some reason, once they target you, they won't accept help from you.  I thought it was just personal that she won't accept help from me, and would rather put her kids in harm's way than to let me care for them in any way.  Sounds like this may be a BPD pattern, to refuse help only from certain people, no matter how much you need it... .?

Charlie, I'm so sorry about your sis, and about how much pain you're experiencing.  I hate this BPD Beast, too.  Its dysfunction has made me a pseudo-orphan (I really think my Mom has undxd BPD, she fits every symptom) and now my sis is following suit.  I hope you find your "niche" as you focus on other things... .Thank you both again for the encouragement.  I appreciate it so.