Bpd idealization of freinds?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Can a person with BPD idealize a friend without sex being involved?

[Rayban]

Can a person with BPD idealize a friend without sex being involved?

[kc sunshine]

In my experience, yes-- and it often comes with a devaluation of you. Or else you have to hear about them ad infinitum. In my experience they also might talk to the new idealized friend about your relationship and its shortcomings, which might lead to a breakup.

[Euler2718]

Mine found a new (same sex) friend she really liked (idealized) so I think that may be true.

[Technique]

They can idealize a complete stranger, who holds a door open for them. So the answer to your question, is a most certainly, yes.

[FannyB]

Yes. My ex has retained the same best friend for the past 20 years. Whilst her mother is painted perpetually black, this friend is whiter than white - perhaps she uses the one to counter-balance the other in her mind?


Fanny

[UserName69]

In my experience they also might talk to the new idealized friend about your relationship and its shortcomings, which might lead to a breakup.

That is exactly what my exBPD did to her exBF when I met her. It really looks like they're all using the same script.

[GreenEyedMonster]

My ex's best friend is a bisexual male who has come on to him at least once.  Sometimes he was painted black for that.  Other times, when my ex needed someone, it was conveniently forgotten and he was re-idealized.

[Brab]

ABSOLUTELY YES!

Mine took up with a new group of girlfriends during our relationship... .they got idealised and I got more and more devalued and eventually discarded... .

They had been opposed to our relationship presumably because of our age difference (nearly 20 years) but I suspect other reasons such as envy (none of them are in a r/s) and one I think is gay and has designs on her.

They are my replacement without a doubt. My sister sees them around and they're thick as thieves... .the whole bunch... .and incredibly arrogant and smug... .I never saw these traits in my ex until the devaluation started... .Mr Hyde made quite an entry... .

I'm pretty sure one of them even drafted my discard text... .she often asked me to write texts for her... .

[Rayban]

Thanks for the replies.

I work with my exBPDgf, and the reason why I'm asking is that she's idealizing a happily married woman, with three kids, highly successful career,and  very well liked in her in her community. In other words someone who seems to have every thing going for her. She's also 20+ years her senior.

I would say that their ''special'' friendship as been going on for several months. My ex puts her on a pedestal, volunteers to do tasks for her, and I've found that they have been hanging out together after work. I know first hand, that being idealized like that is very powerful, and addictive, and they've definitely bonded, as they seek each other out in the office.

I just would have thought that this lady would have figured out that something is off with my ex by now. I know that other female colleagues have, and they keep their distance from her. Maybe my ex hasn't shown her true colors ... .yet.

Then I got to thinking, is this other women disordered herself? Maybe what I see on the outside, doesn't match what she's living through on the inside, and she's missing something in her life that my ex is providing. I guess time will tell. I've always thought that they target the vulnerable, and they mirror what that person is lacking? Does this sound right?   

[thisagain]

In my experience, yes-- and it often comes with a devaluation of you. Or else you have to hear about them ad infinitum. In my experience they also might talk to the new idealized friend about your relationship and its shortcomings, which might lead to a breakup.

Yes to all of this. I consider that emotional affair territory... .At one point my ex actually moved out of my apartment and moved in with her idealized emotional-affair buddy.

Rayban, my guess would be that there's something going on with the other woman that's making her eat up all this attention, instead of keeping proper professional boundaries.

[C.Stein]

During my relationship my ex became close friends with her brothers GF and eventually they got a place together.  I don't know if she idealized her, maybe, but what I do know is that I got replaced as a friend and it probably marked the beginning of the end.  The more she opened up and talked to her the less she opened up and talked with me.

[jujux15]

My ex also made a new group of friends which I supported her in making. The closer she got to them the more she distanced herself from me then I became just a friend after giving her a promise ring she wanted a few weeks prior pretty funny stuff.

[MaroonLiquid]

My ex also made a new group of friends which I supported her in making. The closer she got to them the more she distanced herself from me then I became just a friend after giving her a promise ring she wanted a few weeks prior pretty funny stuff.

I always encouraged my wife to make new friends and the last one she made (and idealized) when we were together was a divorced woman who she met at a church she decided to take her kids to against my wishes at the time.  She went on and on about this woman and how "great" she was.  I met her months after we split up (never before which I found odd until now) and they are still friends.  A woman who she has known a couple of years posted on her Facebook telling my wife she is the "sweetest person she has ever met."  It amazes me how they are so good at keeping themselves just far enough away from certain people to where they rarely find out the truth. 

[Rayban]

My ex also made a new group of friends which I supported her in making. The closer she got to them the more she distanced herself from me then I became just a friend after giving her a promise ring she wanted a few weeks prior pretty funny stuff.

I always encouraged my wife to make new friends and the last one she made (and idealized) when we were together was a divorced woman who she met at a church she decided to take her kids to against my wishes at the time.  She went on and on about this woman and how "great" she was.  I met her months after we split up (never before which I found odd until now) and they are still friends.  A woman who she has known a couple of years posted on her Facebook telling my wife she is the "sweetest person she has ever met."  It amazes me how they are so good at keeping themselves just far enough away from certain people to where they rarely find out the truth. 

My exBPDgf hasn't unfriended me on Facebook ... .yet, and she's posting inspirational quotes about kindness, and how the world would be a better place if people showed more of it? I suppose it's her way of garnering pity or sympathy . In other words she's playing victim. I'm also pretty sure that she's bombarding her new friend with pity plays and painting me out to be the devil. Simply ridiculous. 

[jujux15]

My ex also made a new group of friends which I supported her in making. The closer she got to them the more she distanced herself from me then I became just a friend after giving her a promise ring she wanted a few weeks prior pretty funny stuff.

I always encouraged my wife to make new friends and the last one she made (and idealized) when we were together was a divorced woman who she met at a church she decided to take her kids to against my wishes at the time.  She went on and on about this woman and how "great" she was.  I met her months after we split up (never before which I found odd until now) and they are still friends.  A woman who she has known a couple of years posted on her Facebook telling my wife she is the "sweetest person she has ever met."  It amazes me how they are so good at keeping themselves just far enough away from certain people to where they rarely find out the truth. 

My exBPDgf hasn't unfriended me on Facebook ... .yet, and she's posting inspirational quotes about kindness, and how the world would be a better place if people showed more of it? I suppose it's her way of garnering pity or sympathy . In other words she's playing victim. I'm also pretty sure that she's bombarding her new friend with pity plays and painting me out to be the devil. Simply ridiculous. 

I've realized that sooner or later the truth will be revealed