Having a mother with BPD

[Lcat92]

I am 23 years old and found out my mother has BPD about 6 months ago. My mother does not believe there is anything wrong with her whatsoever. She believes that all her problems originate from someone or something other than herself. She has always manipulated me with her guilt trips and tantrums of rage and verbal abuse. She is extremely paranoid that everyone is always out to get her, that everyone is always talking bad about her. My entire life she has turned my problems about her and if I ever mention how I am feeling she begins to have tantrums and twists everything I say and begins attackig me emotionally. Things have been getting worse and I am getting to the point where I don't even want to talk to her anymore, I don't know what to do or how to deal with her.

[Kwamina]

Hi Lcat92

Dealing with a BPD parent can be very difficult indeed. I am sorry your mother is treating you this way. How did you find out about BPD and that this is the disorder your mother seems to have?

It is very unpleasant being subjected to verbal and emotional abuse. It sounds like your mother is engaging in the BPD-behavior known as 'projection':

In general, emotionally healthy people base their perceptions on facts.  Projection is basing your perception of reality on feelings.

Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

Does this description to you sound like what your mother is doing?

You mention things have been getting worse. Did anything happen in particular that you can remember that preceded or coincided with her behavior getting worse?

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

[Lcat92]

Thanks for replying. My mom was diagnosed by a therapist but she won't accept it. I definitely think she does some projection, she seems to have very low self-esteem even though often times she puts herself on a pedestal. I think things have been getting worse because I am now aware of all the emotional abuse and guilt manipulation she has done to me in the past and still does. Also, she does not work and she stays at home all day finding ways to be negative and being even more paranoid that everyone is out to get her and everyone hates her. I guess I'm just tired of never having an actual mom, she treats me like I'm her friend and as long as I just listen to her and agree with everything she says then everything is great, but if I try to speak about my own problems or ever disagree with her, ___ hits the fan, she freaks out and often times goes days or weeks without talking to me. Just so you have an idea of how insane it can get here's an example: I was sexually abused for many years when I was a child by my uncle, my mom's sister's husband. I told my mom about it when I was 14 years old. If I ever bring it up, she makes it about her, how it affects her. She has never once stopped to ask how it affects me.

[Kwamina]

It's very unfortunate that she doesn't accept her diagnosis. Does she perhaps believe she has something else or maybe even that there is nothing wrong with her at all? What led to her getting diagnosed in the first place?

Since she doesn't accept her diagnosis, I'm assuming she's also never gotten any targeted treatment for her BPD, is that assumption correct?

I am very sorry you were sexually abused by your uncle. That's a horrible and traumatic experience and the way your mother deals with it only makes it harder for you. I can understand how being sexually abused could significantly affect you. Have you been able to talk to anyone (other than your mother) about what happened to you? Perhaps a therapist to help you deal with the trauma of sexual abuse?

She has never once stopped to ask how it affects me.

It is very sad that your mother is unwilling or unable to be there for you they way you need. We cannot replace the role of having a real mother, but what I can do is ask you the question you would have liked to have gotten form her. In what ways do you feel affected by this horrible abuse you were subjected to as a child?

I am glad you reached out here. It takes a lot of courage and strength to face our past and I hope that sharing your story here will help you in your healing process

[Ziggiddy]

Hi LCat and welcome to the forum.

It sounds like you've had a terrible time of things. Like Kwamina says, having a BPD mother is a very difficult thing to deal with. It feels like they are the child and you are the parent most of the time.

I get what yuo mean about everything being fine if you agree with everything and don't make waves.

it's so hard though because you are entitled to be listened to and cared for - after all you are the child in that r'ship.

I also know what you mean about not being able to discuss your sexual abuse with your mother. Somehow it can get turned around and they are making it all about them. I never discussed my own abuse with my mother until recently - and I am in my 40's! My brother was very physically abusive to me growing up and instead of dealing with that in any appropriate way, she just made it worse and then got upset because I was hurting her feelings with it. Didn't I know she was doing her best and it was my fault anyway for provoking him and now shake hands and play nicely together. After that why would I tell her I had been molested by 4 different people.

So yes I can understand how hurtful that feels.

Kwamina also makes a good point about talking to someone who you can trust. It's really important to deal with the after effects especially if your mother is unwilling to support you. it makes it worse when you are invalidated like that.

I too am interested to know how she came to be diagnosed.

Ziggiddy