My own push-pull dynamics

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I've been reflecting upon my own push-pull dynamic within my relationship with my BPDxbf because he asked me to. He thinks that if I can find the 'honest' answer to why I push him away, it will answer lots of other questions.

It's complicated. I do feel an internal withdrawal from him at times, like I am physically and emotionally backing off, so his observation that I do this, is spot on.

I am always scared of something: scared of him (and anyone) being too close for comfort (I can feel myself squirm inside); scared I'm not interesting enough; scared he'll realise I'm just an empty shell of a person and there's nothing to me and leave; scared to contact him because I believe he doesn't really want to hear from me; scared he'll leave me when he gets to know what I'm really like (depressive, miserable and messed up); scared he doesn't really love me; scared that he does; scared of being controlled; scared of being criticised; scared of him making demands of me; scared of needing him; scared of being hurt; scared of being vulnerable; scared of falling short; scared of disappointing him; scared that he will eventually find a better-looking woman and leave me for her; scared he'll start to exhibit some of the physical violence/acting out he exhibited in previous relationships before he began therapy... .The list could go on but the overwhelming thing that makes me say 'Okay, end it if you want to' is when he is calling me names, telling me what's wrong with me in an intimidating way or threatening to end the relationship.

Me pulling away from a relationship isn't new. I have done it before when I have been particularly close to someone momentarily, or when I have been particularly happy with someone. I shared my true feelings about my life with a support worker one time. We had a lot in common, both of us were vicar's daughters and thus I found an empathy with her that I hadn't previously experienced. I told her how I really felt. We talked for hours. I let myself be vulnerable. But, I never talked to her again. I never even acknowledged her. I completely cut her off. Another time, I was really happy with a boyfriend. The next day, I started obsessing about my need to get out of the relationship because he was going to hurt me. With another boyfriend, I remember trying desperately to put him off me. When that didn't work, I got nasty in an attempt to make him go away.

Here's an illustration of this fear of intimacy from another area of my life. I used to pray a lot. Prayer used to come easily to me and I would chat to God just like I'd chat to my friends pouring my heart out. However, it got to a point where I couldn't do that anymore, all I could do was short prayers. I said a quick prayer upon having that realisation: "Why can't I pray anymore?" and I felt God say: "It's because you love me."

As far as my family of origin goes, I am unused to anyone even showing an interest in me emotionally and my mother was controlling and overbearing, like a bull in a china shop. At one time, I couldn't tell the difference between her and myself. I clearly have a fear of enmeshment and a big fear of being hurt and rejected.

So where is the 'honest answer' to my push-pull dynamic. I can't find ONE answer. I think my BPDxbf thinks the real answer is that I don't want to be with him, I concluded that having reviewed my 625 posts on BPD Family today.  I can't give him a definitive answer and I don't think he wants one, but I want one for myself... .I don't want to be like this. I don't want to need to run away or even feel like running away because I need connection, I need to love and I need to be loved.

Love Lifewriter x

[Lifewriter16]

I've been reflecting upon my own push-pull dynamic within my relationship with my BPDxbf because he asked me to. He thinks that if I can find the 'honest' answer to why I push him away, it will answer lots of other questions.

It's complicated. I do feel an internal withdrawal from him at times, like I am physically and emotionally backing off, so his observation that I do this, is spot on.

I am always scared of something: scared of him (and anyone) being too close for comfort (I can feel myself squirm inside); scared I'm not interesting enough; scared he'll realise I'm just an empty shell of a person and there's nothing to me and leave; scared to contact him because I believe he doesn't really want to hear from me; scared he'll leave me when he gets to know what I'm really like (depressive, miserable and messed up); scared he doesn't really love me; scared that he does; scared of being controlled; scared of being criticised; scared of him making demands of me; scared of needing him; scared of being hurt; scared of being vulnerable; scared of falling short; scared of disappointing him; scared that he will eventually find a better-looking woman and leave me for her; scared he'll start to exhibit some of the physical violence/acting out he exhibited in previous relationships before he began therapy... .The list could go on but the overwhelming thing that makes me say 'Okay, end it if you want to' is when he is calling me names, telling me what's wrong with me in an intimidating way or threatening to end the relationship.

Me pulling away from a relationship isn't new. I have done it before when I have been particularly close to someone momentarily, or when I have been particularly happy with someone. I shared my true feelings about my life with a support worker one time. We had a lot in common, both of us were vicar's daughters and thus I found an empathy with her that I hadn't previously experienced. I told her how I really felt. We talked for hours. I let myself be vulnerable. But, I never talked to her again. I never even acknowledged her. I completely cut her off. Another time, I was really happy with a boyfriend. The next day, I started obsessing about my need to get out of the relationship because he was going to hurt me. With another boyfriend, I remember trying desperately to put him off me. When that didn't work, I got nasty in an attempt to make him go away.

Here's an illustration of this fear of intimacy from another area of my life. I used to pray a lot. Prayer used to come easily to me and I would chat to God just like I'd chat to my friends pouring my heart out. However, it got to a point where I couldn't do that anymore, all I could do was short prayers. I said a quick prayer upon having that realisation: "Why can't I pray anymore?" and I felt God say: "It's because you love me."

As far as my family of origin goes, I am unused to anyone even showing an interest in me emotionally and my mother was controlling and overbearing, like a bull in a china shop. At one time, I couldn't tell the difference between her and myself. I clearly have a fear of enmeshment and a big fear of being hurt and rejected.

So where is the 'honest answer' to my push-pull dynamic. I can't find ONE answer. I think my BPDxbf thinks the real answer is that I don't want to be with him, I concluded that having reviewed my 625 posts on BPD Family today.  I can't give him a definitive answer and I don't think he wants one, but I want one for myself... .I don't want to be like this. I don't want to need to run away or even feel like running away because I need connection, I need to love and I need to be loved.

Love Lifewriter x

[goateeki]

This is one of the more self aware things I've ever read.  For me, it's worth reading again and again.  Good stuff.   

You'll get there.  We'll all get there. 

[Lifewriter16]

Thank you. I only wish I knew how to translate this into real and lasting change.

Lifewriter x

[Lifewriter16]

Having posted this and sent a slightly doctored version to my BPDxbf, I know feel very vulnerable and very little and very sad... .

[unicorn2014]

It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety, like more then moderate.

Do you think your anxiety has ever interfered with your ability to function?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Unicorn,

Do you think your anxiety has ever interfered with your ability to function?

I'd say 'Yes' to that. I think it has interfered quite substantially in the work environment because I feel particularly unsafe there. I'm not with people whom I know are choosing to spend time with me and I feel frightened of being myself because I'm supposed to be an adult and quite frankly, I don't always feel like one.

It has also caused me to obsess a lot on leaving relationships because the fears get the better of me.

As to whether I have a lot of anxiety, I've nothing to judge it by. My NHS psychotherapist never talked to me about this, but perhaps that was because I wasn't telling him enough for him to make a diagnosis. He missed my AS too. My biggest fear is being myself and then being rejected.

Lifewriter x

[unicorn2014]

Hi Unicorn,

Do you think your anxiety has ever interfered with your ability to function?

I'd say 'Yes' to that. I think it has interfered quite substantially in the work environment because I feel particularly unsafe there. I'm not with people whom I know are choosing to spend time with me and I feel frightened of being myself because I'm supposed to be an adult and quite frankly, I don't always feel like one.

It has also caused me to obsess a lot on leaving relationships because the fears get the better of me.

As to whether I have a lot of anxiety, I've nothing to judge it by. My NHS psychotherapist never talked to me about this, but perhaps that was because I wasn't telling him enough for him to make a diagnosis. He missed my AS too. My biggest fear is being myself and then being rejected.

Lifewriter x

The reason I ask this is every time I see my psychiatric NP I take an anxiety/depression quiz to see where I'm at. Anxiety can be a psychiatric problem as opposed to psychotherapeutic problem, and an untreated psychiatric problem can definitely create relationship problems.

I was taught how to communicate in a push-pull manner by my father, so without help that was all I knew how to do. He has never gotten help so he continues to behave that way at 60+. It was my last therapist who told me to think of my father as a little boy when he acts that way, she said that his development got stuck at that age and he doesn't know anything else. It makes sense in light of his life, his parents divorced when he was 1, his mom relocated and remarried, and then remarried again. He didn't have a stable father figure until his mom's third husband.

Do you think there is anyone in your family that might have modeled push pull dynamics for you?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Unicorn,

Do you think there is anyone in your family that might have modeled push pull dynamics for you?

My gut response to this would be 'No'. My mother was emotionally cold right from birth (she was only able to attend to practical mothering tasks not emotional ones) but also overbearing in a way that felt intrusive. My father was more affectionate, but only behind closed doors so it felt like a guilty secret. Perhaps the push-pull has something to do with having my parents relating to me in such different ways or simply an emotional habit borne from having to fend off my overbearing, overcontrolling mother who seemed to want to possess my very soul.

What I think was modelled in my family was fear... .generalised fear... .fear of everything... .and that comes from my mum whom I would guess has waif-like tendencies (she is very childlike).

I've just done an anxiety self-test on the internet:

www.psychologytoday.tests.psychtests.com/take_test.php?idRegTest=1597

My score was moderate on the scale for existential anxiety which it said indicates that I am somewhat satisfied with life and are generally able to handle the fact that there are things beyond my control. It said I feel OK about myself on the whole, but sometimes experience an excessive amount of discontent which it says are 'flashes of existential anxiety'. It said that individuals with this profile may have some difficulty finding meaning in their lives, experience sporadic feelings of futility, or worry about the future.

I do have times of experiencing great anxiety, but they seem to be situational and temporary, possibly because I remove myself from the situation that is triggering them. Perhaps the push-pull is a method of anxiety control.

Love Lifewriter

[valet]

Good insight Lifewriter... .these are the kinds of things that really drive growth!  

It seems strange that a lot of us here end up discovering the same fears. A lot of us share traits regarding engulfment/abandonment fears with the very people that we are here to understand. I share a lot of the same tendencies as well. From the big picture sense, we always want to get back to that same environment in which we were raised. To us, that represents security (in a lot of cases, it seems like the difference between life and death), but it is mainly an illusion. There is a section of an Arthur Rimbaud poem that helps me think of these issues in reference to myself that goes like this:

When we are very strong, who draws back? or very happy, who collapses from ridicule? When we are very bad, what can they do to us.

The verse dances around that inner child/healthy adult dynamic the way I see it. Many here are very strong individuals, but when our deepest wounds are triggered that all seems like bravado or a front. When we learn to embrace those fears and accept ourselves, even at our most vulnerable moments, we become much more whole. As it turns out, we don't have to hide. We can't run from who we are, we can only understand and be patient with those emotions while learning to take the best course of action to create happiness in our lives.

[Lifewriter16]

I like this Valet. It goes right to the core of what I am working with right now:

Many here are very strong individuals, but when our deepest wounds are triggered that all seems like bravado or a front. When we learn to embrace those fears and accept ourselves, even at our most vulnerable moments, we become much more whole. As it turns out, we don't have to hide. We can't run from who we are, we can only understand and be patient with those emotions while learning to take the best course of action to create happiness in our lives.

Love Lifewriter

[unicorn2014]

I've just done an anxiety self-test on the internet:

www.psychologytoday.tests.psychtests.com/take_test.php?idRegTest=1597

My score was moderate on the scale for existential anxiety which it said indicates that I am somewhat satisfied with life and are generally able to handle the fact that there are things beyond my control. It said I feel OK about myself on the whole, but sometimes experience an excessive amount of discontent which it says are 'flashes of existential anxiety'. It said that individuals with this profile may have some difficulty finding meaning in their lives, experience sporadic feelings of futility, or worry about the future.

I do have times of experiencing great anxiety, but they seem to be situational and temporary, possibly because I remove myself from the situation that is triggering them. Perhaps the push-pull is a method of anxiety control.

I don't about any of that, I just know when I see my NP I get screen for anxiety and I still have mild anxiety and an active case of PTSD. I think for me at this point it is all about identifying my triggers and backing off as far from them as I can.

I have combat fatigue and yet I'm still in the war, so I have to be very careful. I deal with my anxiety medically. Its very physical so I take medication, exercise, watch my diet, etc.