Want to react to statements from pwBPD but tormented as to how

[Cipher13]

I want to be able to respond to my BPD wife when she makes comments like these:

"YOU are solely responsible for how horrible and worthless you make me feel as a woman."

I do all kinds of things for her. Most of which she can or should do herself. But because I am not (according to her) pursuing her intimately and romantically... .ie having sex with her I do not love her. Also if I do not respond to a text that I did not hear or see while grocery shopping I am purposely ignoring her. If I don't sent a text the second I leave work when I just 30 second ago sent an email that I would be leaving soon and knowing she was in a meeting I am a Jerk.

I guess I am sick and tired of being the reason for here misery. I know I am not but she can make it seem like I am. She said last night she would ask me to leave the house so I can figure out how to be a better husband but that I wouldn't ever come back if she did that.

I got a letter from my mom this week. In it she included a letter written by my Grandmother to me 15 years ago. Before I began dating my wife. I had read it at the time it was written. reading it again gave me chills. It was life advice. You know what had I taken that advice and acted upon it I would not be he typing this out right now. It was as if she knew I would have this challenge in my life. I just wish I acted upon it from day one. Not 15 years later.  :'(

[byfaith]

Cipher,

Do you have children that would make it difficult to leave the marriage? What would happen if you just walked your butt out and never looked back? Who would give you any grief for leaving if that is what you decided to do?

Do you get anytime to go do anything you enjoy just to clear your head? I go hiking or go on a walk or just go driving around.

Like mine, your self esteem is taking a beating. I wish I could give you advice on what to do. Somehow you need to find a way to build some self esteem back. if you can read this book https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=codependent+no+more. it helped me to some degree, it's all in how we decide to apply it. I just think we are scared of changes and feeling like a failure. We are not, you are not.

I believe we all have a turning point. I hope you can get turned in the right direction

I feel for you man, I am kind of in the same boat.

BF

[Wrongturn1]

Hi Cipher, what advice was in the letter from your Grandmother?

[unicorn2014]

In my previous marriage my ex husband thought that because I was his dependent he was entitled to have sex with me whenever he wanted to. He thought because he worked for a living and I was dependent on him that it was my job to sexually submit to him.

I came out of that marriage with c-PTSD.

Even within a marriage nobody has to have sex with anybody.

[Cipher13]

Do you have children that would make it difficult to leave the marriage?  No

What would happen if you just walked your butt out and never looked back? Who would give you any grief for leaving if that is what you decided to do? I think she would make life even harder. Not sure exactly how but that is the feeling I get form it.

Do you get anytime to go do anything you enjoy just to clear your head? No any time I have apart it is at work or if I am running an errand... .for her.

Hi Cipher, what advice was in the letter from your Grandmother?

It was fairly long but I can summarize it in a few words. Am I taking car of myself. Self care should be a top priority so you can have control over where you life is going. A commitment to another starts with a commitment to yourself. Know yourself and be true to yourself or you will wake up one day and wonder why you are unhappy, Don't expect to ever change someone else because it is impossible. Learn to say yes to what you want and no to what you don't.   

This advice was give 15 years ago. I was very early in my relationship with my wife. We had just begun dating I think at that point.  I did not heed this advise at all.

[flourdust]

So, I skimmed your past history. It seems like nothing has changed in years. You're being severely mistreated, and you come here to vent.

What's your goal? Do you just want to vent? Or do you want to make changes to your life?

[Cipher13]

Venting is a like a small band aide. I want to make changes. Drastic changes. But I live in a state of fear of those changes.

[flourdust]

Venting is a like a small band aide. I want to make changes. Drastic changes. But I live in a state of fear of those changes.

So it seems. Do you have a therapist who can help you make a plan?

Can you identify one small change you could implement right away, despite your fear?

[Cipher13]

I have a counselor but I am not feeling like he is doing much more than listening to me and restating what I am saying. I just read and researched a little more about some things. O am going to label myself a super codependent individual. I am nice and do things for my wife (really out of the way crazy stuff) in hopes that she will do the same in return or do anything in return that will she affection or caring. 

Every time I think of or attempt a small change it backfires and causes so much more of an issue that I return to my shell even more and I redouble my codependent ways of seeking attention from her or to get her to be in a better mood.

[flourdust]

I have a counselor but I am not feeling like he is doing much more than listening to me and restating what I am saying. I just read and researched a little more about some things. O am going to label myself a super codependent individual. I am nice and do things for my wife (really out of the way crazy stuff) in hopes that she will do the same in return or do anything in return that will she affection or caring. 

Every time I think of or attempt a small change it backfires and causes so much more of an issue that I return to my shell even more and I redouble my codependent ways of seeking attention from her or to get her to be in a better mood.

Are you willing to try anything different? Have you tried asking your counselor to work with you on coming up with a plan to escape? Your counselor will take your direction to help you on the life changes you want to make. Or he will sit there and let you vent, if that's all you do.

[Cipher13]

Are you willing to try anything different? I have  tried some different things. Resulted in a very long and drawn out argument. One sided of course.

Have you tried asking your counselor to work with you on coming up with a plan to escape? Not as of yet. I do not feel he is the right counselor for this kind of thing. He seems far happier to listen to what I ma saying and tell me he understands it. Then comparing it to a particular part of a book or bible passage.

Your counselor will take your direction to help you on the life changes you want to make. Or he will sit there and let you vent, if that's all you do.


Had a pretty bad weekend. Tried to talk to her about her feelings and what else I could do that would help the both of us. She replied with this: " What would make me feel secure is for me to know that there is no question about how I mean to you.  So basically all the crap I have been saying to you since the blow up argument over a week ago now.  I am very unhappy and dissatisfied with my life.  My jobs are not providing me with any fulfillment at all and I am completely miserable in ALL aspects of my life." 



That's a load for anyone deal with. I know I can't fix most of this. She does put most if not all of it squarely on me. Its not all of my stuff to carry.

[GaGrl]

I've followed your story for multiple years, Cipher.

You are not yet sick and tired enough of being sick and tired that you can walk out.

[Grey Kitty]

I want to be able to respond to my BPD wife when she makes comments like these:

"YOU are solely responsible for how horrible and worthless you make me feel as a woman."

You've acknowledged you are terribly codependent. You've also acknowledged you're stuck right where you've been for years. No argument from me. Anyhow, here is what I would say in response to that.

Short answer: "No."

I might plan on stopping there as a stream of abuse targeted at me is likely to follow and an exit would be appropriate at that point.

Longer answer: "I am not tesponsible for anybody's feelings. Your feelings are yours. My feelings are mine. I love you very much and it hurts to hear that you feel that way."

I don't expect you to feel comfortable saying things like that to her today.

But what do you believe?  Do you believe that her feelings are something you can control or should be able to control?

[Cipher13]

But what do you believe?  Do you believe that her feelings are something you can control or should be able to control?

I do not believe that I am responsible for her feelings. I can only control how I react to her and what I say to provide comfort if I can even do that. Here is an example form her today: I hate my life... .I absolutely hate it.

This is a snippet of the whole conversation however. So at some point as she continues to feel worse I will be brought in as a contributor in some manner to this. I know I am not responsible for how she feels about her job and what she has to do or not do at her job. But how you talk to her at this point. I feel I can only say I am sorry you feel this way or I know that is terrible or what have you. I can only say that so many times before she gets upset at those responses as not being helpful.   I don't want to get pulled into the canyon of depression she is creating and adding to daily.

[Grey Kitty]

I didn't say you could talk to her at that point.

Given your history... .how little success you have in the past... .

As soon as she starts blaming you or attacking you, in your shoes I would exit the conversation immediately. Not trying to be rude, but not waiting for any acceptance on her part. Just get out. FAST. "I can't listen to this now." And leave the room, house if needed because she follows you.

You don't have to be pulled into her canyon of depression. However for you to get out you have to let her find her own level without assistance on your part.

[GaGrl]

You need an escape plan, because talking to her does no good for you whatsoever.  You need to figure out a way to walk away and NOT have to discuss any of it anymore.  Let your lawyer talk to her at that point.