lateness

[Godslove]

He is late every exchange, always last minute change with amazingly various reasons. Many times texting me he is running late after he is supposed to be here. Anywhere from 15 minutes up to two hours, sometimes with no responses of my text. Sad to say I am getting used to it. My agreement just indicate what times, places, and days to exchange. no other enforcement. If you do or did have similar problems, how did you resolve this? Or do you just learn to live with it?

[Godslove]

I found out an answer to my question--just in case someone has the same problem.

Court could hold l in contempt if he fails to exercise his visitations/repeatedly is late. It’s difficult to speculate about how a judge would resolve the issue, but it might result in a change in the visitation schedule. With contempt matters, the law allows for a judge to award attorney’s fees to the party who filed the contempt, but there is no guarantee.

[whirlpoollife]

I had problems in the beginning with custody on the midweek visits. I have two kids, xh wanted evening visits separate, one for each. He got it.   Myself and kids would be waiting at exchange place. He was never  on time, played it to"maybe in ten more minutes" then wanted makeup time for the hour or more  he missed, while we waited for him. 

Then the next time in court he got three extra nights in exchange for no midweek visits.  Good play on his part , less c/s. ... .But much less contact with xh and games from him for me. 

Maybe a time limit of waiting can get written in the order. PwPD know how to play the evasiveness of orders.

I understand the "getting used to" . Not good because the pwPD just keep increasing what we have to used to.

I had to pay all my L's fees on all.

[ForeverDad]

When my Ex was late she never contacted me, those early years I was shunned as far as she was concerned.  However, when I was late there were No Excuses Allowed.  You know, the rules only apply to the target.   Since I had to travel from 25-30 miles away and generally during rush hour, I did plan for some traffic congestion but if the weather, construction or an accident made it worse I would sometimes be late.  Very rarely I was late by the court's definition.  Court had defined a standard 30 minute window for exchanges and if too late for the window to call the other party.  Naturally, my Ex ignored the window and decided missing the start of the window constituted a basis to berate me for being late and threatening to take me to court.

[bravhart1]

when we were dealing with lateness from BPDm, who never texted or called, just expected everyone to wait an undetermined amount of time... .

we began to ask for third party exchanges. basically a service that comes to your location, daughter is dropped off, OP leaves and then child is given to receiving parent ten/fifteen minutes later. gives the child a buffer, makes saying goodbye easier etc. (as well as being late to pick up and drop off, BPDm could make a drop off last well over 30-40 minutes each time while hugging, kissing, crying and reminding SD(3-4) at the time to "be really careful, don't get kidnapped, molested, run over or burned" rolleyes

When we asked for these third party exchanges it was in response to all the above, and we even got to where we agreed to pay for the whole thing, but she refused to comply.

fought it tooth and nail, (third party exchanges aren't loaded with drama Devilish)

she even accused us of being the late ones, but we had been documenting by buying a small item on a credit card and getting a time stamped reciept at the exchange location.

(jeez when I think about all the hoops we've jumped through for this crank barfy)

anyway judge said, "why would they ask for third party exchanges if THEY are the ones who are late?"

He then said, get it together, be late one more time and its an order, and you are paying half. She was never late again. (we also moved the exchange nine months later to the daycare after school so it wasn't a waiting thing after that)

Best thing we did about that. Hope it helps!

[ForeverDad]

One of the nice things about a window time frame is that it does allow some flexibility in arrival.  Yes it can be abused but it also gives us a cushion when something unexpected happens to us.

Another idea is to have the order state that if the parent is more than XX minutes past the end of the exchange window, then the on-time parent can depart.  Of course, that won't work if you're the one receiving the child.  It might be more practical to have the order state that the next in-person exchange would be that amount of time later.  That too has problems, if the exchange isn't at a sheriff's office or police station, then documentation to prove lateness would be difficult to obtain.

As BravHart noted, school, daycare and other similar scenarios are good third party exchange choices.  That's what I did once my son was in daycare and/or attending school.  Two things I did in the order:

• I made daycare/childcare as equivalent to school.  No one contests parenting time for school, so I made daycare an equivalent.  I had a very possessive Ex and she was quick to try to sabotage me by marching in and taking son from daycare on my time.



• To avoid games and confrontations I had the order start and end exchanges with school or daycare as much as possible.