The talk at the restaraunt

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

  So, I get there early, we had talked about 4pm as target time.    She comes in fully engrossed in a phone conversation, I got up to greet her and she barely offered a side hug, honestly it seemed as though she put the phone between us (but I could be reading into that)  So, Eagles, I gave it my best shot.  She didn't want a hug.  We discussed some medical concerns with daughter and some school concerns about one of our sons.  She asked me to send an email to the counselor at school about my son and I said I would.  She asked about doing it right now and I did it.  There was possibly time to catch him before he left, it sounded like he was about to be kicked out of a class.  So, I sent the email basically saying we wanted to be involved, cc'd my wife and blind cc'd our kid.  Well, she was not happy about the email.  I said this wrong, that wrong etc etc.  Then finally allowed that stating we wanted to be involved was ok.  Well, we turned to lighter topics.  Things seem to be going well at her work she gave away some backpacks and felt good about it.  Conversation is very positive.  Conversation circled back to our son and counselor (she brought it up), I started speaking to try and summarize my concern and she whipped our her phone in mid sentence and held it in front of her face and my face.  Not like looking off to side, but seemed very obvious about holding it between us.  We were sitting across from each other in booths.  I waited a bit.  Asked her what she was working on.  "Just needed to check a few things, "  She put phone down.  Conversation seemed to go normally for a bit.  She seemed to relax.    During a lull I leaned forward and said "

FF wife, I want to be hear for you, to listen to what is on your mind.  I have gotten the feeling that you are trying to communicate with me and are frustrated.    There is a long pause, she seems calm.  She says.  "What I want to communicate to you is that I can't work full time and do everything that I did when I stayed at home"  I validated that there is a lot going on and a lot to do and that is frustrating.  I complimented her that she is doing amazing things.  I also sort of did a readback on her feelings.  I tried to stay away from the debate about what actually is or will be done at home on any certain day.    She then allowed that some of the stuff I am doing needed to be done and she was very happy with what was getting done BUT (there is always a but)  Now it went towards never never land.  I've not mopped vacuumed (continue the list) and she has to do it all.  Her tone changed, posture changed.  

FF wife:  "Plus let's face it, you are a slob"  I walked out (did not storm out or create a scene) and drove away.  I have been consistent that when name calling and these direct you do this and don't do that things start, I disengage.  I am not a target for rage  Well, there is a text exchange that I will post in a bit.  Then I get home to a yappy dog, her sister and her sisters three kids.  Had no idea they were coming.  Part of the reason for the get together was to talk about weekend plans.  Yes, there had been mention that sister "might" be coming up this weekend.  Her FOO, talks about zillions of things, agrees on nothing and something happens.  I don't understand it.  My best guess is if you "talk about" enough stuff then whatever actually happens has been "planned" and shouldn't be a surprise,    She also informed me by text if I want to sleep I should go somewhere else and perhaps should get an apartment so we wouldn't spend so much on hotels.  Sigh.  Text exchange in a bit.  

FF   

[formflier]

  So, I get there early, we had talked about 4pm as target time.    She comes in fully engrossed in a phone conversation, I got up to greet her and she barely offered a side hug, honestly it seemed as though she put the phone between us (but I could be reading into that)  So, Eagles, I gave it my best shot.  She didn't want a hug.  We discussed some medical concerns with daughter and some school concerns about one of our sons.  She asked me to send an email to the counselor at school about my son and I said I would.  She asked about doing it right now and I did it.  There was possibly time to catch him before he left, it sounded like he was about to be kicked out of a class.  So, I sent the email basically saying we wanted to be involved, cc'd my wife and blind cc'd our kid.  Well, she was not happy about the email.  I said this wrong, that wrong etc etc.  Then finally allowed that stating we wanted to be involved was ok.  Well, we turned to lighter topics.  Things seem to be going well at her work she gave away some backpacks and felt good about it.  Conversation is very positive.  Conversation circled back to our son and counselor (she brought it up), I started speaking to try and summarize my concern and she whipped our her phone in mid sentence and held it in front of her face and my face.  Not like looking off to side, but seemed very obvious about holding it between us.  We were sitting across from each other in booths.  I waited a bit.  Asked her what she was working on.  "Just needed to check a few things, "  She put phone down.  Conversation seemed to go normally for a bit.  She seemed to relax.    During a lull I leaned forward and said "

FF wife, I want to be hear for you, to listen to what is on your mind.  I have gotten the feeling that you are trying to communicate with me and are frustrated.    There is a long pause, she seems calm.  She says.  "What I want to communicate to you is that I can't work full time and do everything that I did when I stayed at home"  I validated that there is a lot going on and a lot to do and that is frustrating.  I complimented her that she is doing amazing things.  I also sort of did a readback on her feelings.  I tried to stay away from the debate about what actually is or will be done at home on any certain day.    She then allowed that some of the stuff I am doing needed to be done and she was very happy with what was getting done BUT (there is always a but)  Now it went towards never never land.  I've not mopped vacuumed (continue the list) and she has to do it all.  Her tone changed, posture changed.  

FF wife:  "Plus let's face it, you are a slob"  I walked out (did not storm out or create a scene) and drove away.  I have been consistent that when name calling and these direct you do this and don't do that things start, I disengage.  I am not a target for rage  Well, there is a text exchange that I will post in a bit.  Then I get home to a yappy dog, her sister and her sisters three kids.  Had no idea they were coming.  Part of the reason for the get together was to talk about weekend plans.  Yes, there had been mention that sister "might" be coming up this weekend.  Her FOO, talks about zillions of things, agrees on nothing and something happens.  I don't understand it.  My best guess is if you "talk about" enough stuff then whatever actually happens has been "planned" and shouldn't be a surprise,    She also informed me by text if I want to sleep I should go somewhere else and perhaps should get an apartment so we wouldn't spend so much on hotels.  Sigh.  Text exchange in a bit.  

FF   

[formflier]

  These texts start as I am driving away from the restaurant.  

FF wife: We will be hanging out at our house tonight, bif u need a quiet place to sleep feel free to get a room again, 4:07 PM  ff wife: Was thinking we cld maybe rent a small apt for u so we don't hv to spend so much on hotels 4:08 PM  Me: Please don't call me names and be critical of me. I am doing the best I can 4:08 PM  ff wife: As am I and I am doing these working outside the home and the work of the stay at home parent as well , 4:10 PM]  ff wife: If u don't like to hear that I am happy to work with you to make a cleaning schedule for u 4:10 PM  Me: You are doing awesome stuff with all the work you are doing 4:10 PM  ff wife: I did not call you a name please do not say things that are not true 4:11 PM  Me: Slob 4:11 PM  Me: Did I imagine that? 4:11 PM  ff wife: Positivity. Does not make not doing the cleaning ok 4:11 PM  ff wife: Did not call u a slob, yes u imaginedbthat 4:12 PM    ff wife: I said you are a bit of a slob in your habits and it is the truth 4:13 PM  Me: Was that a compliment? How was I supposed to receive that communication 4:14 PM  ff wife: Getting angry and saying I am being critical by bringing up the fact that I work and still do the job of stay at home parent is not being critical of you, it is opening up a discussion to fix a problem 4:14 PM  Me: If you would like to know my emotions or how I am feeling please ask 4:15 PM  ff wife: How am I supposed to receive the message that u just don't do he stay at home parent jobs and leave it for either me to do on top of working outside the home or it does not get done, 4:15 PM  ff wife: I do not want to know, I just want the stay at home parent to do the stay at home parent share of the workload at home 4:16 PM  Me: There is a lot to do, frustration level is high, you are doing amazing things 4:18 PM  ff wife: Join me in doing amazing things inside our house as well as outside in the garage, please, amazing things like mopping the floors vacuuming putting clothes away 4:20 PM  Me: I understand and feel your frustration, I am not in a place right now to accept critical comments or to give them 4:21 PM  ff wife: again positivity does not excuse you from pulling your share of the at home parent you need to do the stay at home parent work 4:21 PM  Me: I am doing my best there is a lot I would like to discuss with you in a non critical solution focused way 4:22 PM dinah new google voice: Calling my request for the stay at home parent to do the stay at home parent jobs criticism is not OK try and get out of the work 4:22 PM  ff wife: tay at home parent who is you to do the stay at home parent worked criticism so you then do not have to do it 4:23 PM  Me: I think I understand what you are feeling and experiencing. I want to understand and empathize with you feelings 4:23 PM  ff wife: You do not get to label your wife's request for the stay at home parent who is you to do the stay at home parent work criticism and then say you are not in a position to accept criticism 4:23 PM  ff wife: You have no idea what I feel or am experiencing 4:24 PM  ff wife: If you had even the smallest clue you would keep the house clean and make dinner so did I do not have to after coming home from work 4:24 PM    Note: this is the basic mousetrap that she has constructed, that I will NOT get in.  That my performance at home equals my feelings for her. The performance standards are not stable.  Me: I hope and ask for time to share my feelings and experiences with you so you can empathize with what I am experiencing 4:24 PM  ff wife: I am too busy doing the job of working outside the home and doing the work of the stay at home parent 4:25 PM  Me: My understanding is that you expressed your feeling during dinner which is what I am basing my understanding on 4:25 PM  ff wife: Based on your reaction you didn't hear anything but what you wanted to hear 4:46 PM  

[Notwendy]

what did you hear her say?

To me, it seems you heard the criticism "slob" and it was game over.

Yes, she did call you a slob, but that isn't necessarily calling you a name. It wasn't kind, or polite, but if you are messy and she comes home from work to a messy house and feels she needs to clean it, is there any truth to her statement?

Are you a slob? Does she come home to a messy house?

To be clear, this is what I heard.

Your wife is at work all day and if she comes home to a messy house and has to clean it, she feels frustrated.

If you are the stay at home parent, she would like you to clean it when she is at work, so she doesn't have to do this when she comes home from work.

Did you hear this? If you did, I don't see anywhere in the text or your conversation that would communicate to her that you did.

[flourdust]

What I'm seeing on your part is more deflection than validation. That might have been your intent. I think it's best to avoid continuing text exchanges when you are so far apart on what you're talking about, and the emotional charge is high.

[Notwendy]

I saw deflection too. I could even feel myself being frustrated with the text.

[unicorn2014]

   ff, my heart goes out to you. Reading your post and your texts makes me glad I'm divorced and my current  relationship is on hold. You're doing a really good job of hanging in there.

I really appreciate being able to read the text exchange, it normalizes things for me.

[formflier]

I saw deflection too. I could even feel myself being frustrated with the text.  

 The house is not up to her standards.  She did not keep the house to her standards.    We are similar in neatness styles until she has a fit the she demands it done right then.  We are 2 weeks into this house, what she is asking I cannot deliver.    I have vacuumed, I have not mopped because I only found it today when I unpacked.    So I used a wet hand towel in stead.  Her perception of things and mine are incredibly far apart.  I can agree on goals and cannot and will not guarantee results.  I am doing the best I can.  I agree many times those are pitiful results.  That is not in my control.  

FF

[formflier]

I heard her say she can't do it all.  She heard that back from me.    I tried to empathize and also state that I don't expect her to do it all.  She sets her own standards and expectations.  I have suggested many time that she do less.  She wants me to do more.    There is no more.  

FF

[GaGrl]

Well... .unless you kick the teens into high gear and start directing them with military precision.

Seriously... .is there an opportunity for a short (one hour) burst of activity with the family (kids) just prior to your wife's arrival home so that she walks in to a more structured, clean environment?

[formflier]

Well, unless you kick the teens into high gear and start directing them with military precision.  Seriously, is there an opportunity for a short (one hour) burst of activity with the family (kids) just prior to your wife's arrival home so that she walks in to a more structured, clean environment?

 I have tried that before.  She claims it is me shirking my duty.  She demands that I do it alone.  Yet she freely grabs kids and randomly puts them to work.  

FF

[formflier]

Seriously, While she has never threatened to call police dur to my use of kids to do chores she has ordered them to do other things after I put them to work doing something.  If I am home alone with kids we work reasonably well together.  Kids know the drill.  When Mommy comes home there is chance work is over and fun may rule.  

FF

[Notwendy]

I think I get this now. I also feel that I do my best but my house isn't up to my standards because it's hard to get everything done with kids.

I think you are doing the best you can. Your wife did too but she may be idealizing that memory of what she did when she was a SAHM. Her feeling you are not doing what she did could reflect that memory and her own frustration.

I think you are doing the best you can- moving and all is chaotic at its best.

[Fian]

If she is at work, then I see that as the perfect opportunity for you to organize the kids, and they have to complete it before she gets home.  Use the power of having 8 kids, instead of it being a liability.  Also, if you are the stay-at-home-dad, then you get to define the cleaning standards, imo.  When she cleans, you don't get to direct her on how it is done, so she can't direct you when you clean either.

In my opinion, you were too quick to leave the discussion.  I would have let the slob comment go, or at least ask her not to use names.  Were you already getting angry before she said that, or did you just leave because that is your boundary?

[formflier]

  Were you already getting angry before she said that, or did you just leave because that is your boundary?

 Hey, was not angry, the name calling and criticism is, the use of always never and all that is triggering to me.  If I stay until I feel triggered, that is not good.  So I have a boundary and I stick to it.  If she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it.    This is not news to her or a new boundary.    My value:  I am not a target.  I don't control people shooting at me, I can and do remove the target from their line of fire.  

FF

[formflier]

  I would have let the slob comment go, or at least ask her not to use names.    

 Fian, Not saying you are wrong or arguing at all.    History:  I used to ask her not to use names.  Zero successful results.  Please understand I am a numbers guy, I shy away from use of always, never and all that.  Many of my posts will say 99% sure.    I can't remember a time that I asked or warned her not to use names and it was a good outcome.  Sure the outcome varied.    "No I didn't use a name", or upping the game or some other dysfunctional behavior.  So, I shortened my boundary to walking away.  Saying something on the way out like "I am leaving before I say something I regret." seemed to me like the word flinging that she does.  As I thought about the "rules" of dealing with pwBPD, my understanding is that the action is much more important that what is said.  I am completely open to constructive criticism, comment, agreement disagreement, etc etc.  I want to be the best at this that I can.  Note, my wife is currently bucking up again saying she will watch TV and do whatever she wants and that my sleep options are elsewhere.  I asked her if she was sure she was comfortable taking this stance and she said she was, it was her house and she would do as she pleased.  Sigh, boy, these stories are complicated.  This is my fathers house.  He owns it.  My wife and I have no legal claim to it.   I didn't engage my wife on any of this.  She knows I am trying to sleep, she is keeping kids up right outside my door, she has clearly said no, that I am not sleeping her tonight.  I am much more rested that last weekend.  Not triggered, seem calm.  I'm also sure that I am not "doing this" much, if any longer.  I am sad about this.    

FF  

[Daniell85]

I keep wanting to offer something here, but I'm still working on validation.

Reading your text exchanges, they seem to be a ground where she builds up like a thundercloud and becomes very arrogant and demeaning towards you.

What happens when you ignore her texts, after a brief acknowledgement she made contact.

For example "FF wife, i will be home to discuss in person. Just tap me when you are available. "

Or something. I get the impression the more you validate, the more inspired she becomes, and not in nice ways.

[formflier]

  I've taken a stand.  This is complicated story.  This is my Dad's house.  My wife was claiming it was her house and she could make decisions about what happens here.  My Dad came over and clarified house rules for her and that his son gets to take care if his sleep issues in this house.  She flipped out and called her Dad who came kicking and screaming into the house demanding police be called.  Police showed up and listened to both sides.  Wished me a good nights sleep and I believe have sent wife and kids to basement to let me sleep.  This may end my marriage.  That will make me sad if that happens.  Of course my wife did the standard drivel about being done, keeping kids from me, etc etc.  Kids were called to room to watch and participate by my wife.  Bad scene.  I feel a bit weird.  For me to be talking calmly while my wife is in there crying and doing hysterics and then for me to have a calm conversation with the officer.  Really weird.  Surreal.  Sigh,

FF  

[sweetheart]

I've taken a stand.

This is complicated story.

This is my Dad's house.  My wife was claiming it was her house and she could make decisions about what happens here.

My Dad came over and clarified house rules for her and that his son gets to take care if his sleep issues in this house.

She flipped out and called her Dad who came kicking and screaming into the house demanding police be called.

Police showed up and listened to both sides.  Wished me a good nights sleep and I believe have sent wife and kids to basement to let me sleep.

This may end my marriage.  That will make me sad if that happens.  Of course my wife did the standard drivel about being done, keeping kids from me, etc etc.

Kids were called to room to watch and participate by my wife.  Bad scene.

I feel a bit weird.  For me to be talking calmly while my wife is in there crying and doing hysterics and then for me to have a calm conversation with the officer.  Really weird.

Surreal.

Sigh... .

FF

BPD is indeed weird and surreal and creates many bad, sad scenes like this for families. I'm sorry for you all that this has hapoened.

What is said by the pwBPD is never in my opinion drivel, it's just that in my experience the pwBPD is often misheard and not heard.

What you both have to say is equally valid, however IMO pwBPD often 'luck out' in their attempts to be heard because they are the ones with the problem, they are after all emotionally unstable. So police, mental health professionals, family members and SO's never really hear them.

It took me a very very very long time indeed to really get this. I wasn't listening to my h, I couldn't hear him, I didn't want to, I was reacting from my own emotional agenda over and over again.

I was either too busy rescuing him, persecuting him or playing the victim. Stepping out of this dynamic everytime has quite simply changed our lives.

Can you track your responses and reactions to your wife in this thread against the roles set out in the triangle of conflict?

[patientandclear]

FF, this all sounds super tough. I'm sorry!

I wanted to flag one issue. You say your dad, who owns the house, came over and informed your wife that you (his son) would need arrangements that allow you to actually sleep. I applaud the sentiment, but -- why your dad and not you?

[formflier]

FF, this all sounds super tough. I'm sorry!  I wanted to flag one issue. You say your dad, who owns the house, came over and informed your wife that you (his son) would need arrangements that allow you to actually sleep. I applaud the sentiment, but -- why your dad and not you?

 OK, so why call my Dad and not go straight to police.    This may come out a bit random so please help me put it together.    My (our as in wife and I) finances did not allow for a purchase of a house.  My dad (and mom) are aware of trouble in the marriage but are low on details.  They want to be supportive and provide a stable place for us to have a home.  Renting a home with 8 kids is just not practical.    My Dad spent his money, time and effort to get us a house that provided for the needs of those in it.  He, like me, is a detail guy and asked lots of questions of my wife and I about how things would be set up.  The need for sleep (and my associated sleep hygiene issues) was covered as was the need for watching TV and having a recreation area.  So, to be clear I did state my case that I needed to sleep.  I'm numbering my different points but not trying to rank them.  1.  My hope was that an outside resource less than police might help things. 2.  My Dad had never seen or experienced (to my knowledge) a BPDish episode from my wife.  I have never gotten into details with him about any of the events.   3.  This is beyond my capability to deal with.  There is a concept of shining light on an issue and creating accountability.  Someone needs to know that I am not being allowed to sleep in the family home. 4.  My Dad needs to know that his wishes for the way things are conducted in his house are not being followed.  I considered telling him last weekend, but was hopeful this would blow over. 5.  My Dad is a calm and non reactive guy.  He did not argue or engage in any silliness.  He watched, appeared to be sad and said (no attempt to quote) that this was not ok, people need to be able to sleep and that he and nobody else is the owner of the house.  Did I answer the question or clarify the role of my Dad or why I called him?  

FF  

[Notwendy]

In general, I don't think it's a good idea to involve parents in a marriage, but in this case, your father owning the house might be a good thing. I hope this isn't an end to your marriage (unless it was your decision) but the fact that the ownership of the house would not be involved in a marital dispute is probably a good thing. One less thing to deal with.

But it does set up the potential for triangle drama.

Still, it is good that you have a support system.

I didn't realize that your parents lived nearby. Is it possible for this to be a place you can sleep if you need to? Less costly than a hotel.

[formflier]

  Role of her Dad.  I saw stuff out of him tonight that I have never seen before.  So, about 230 or 3 am I was woken up by a coughing fit outside of the door to my room.  Then heard the TV, loud and clear.  I exited the room and let them know I had been woken up and thought that we had a plan for success with them going to the basement.    FIL (wife's dad) hopped up and keep repeating that people have to be able to live here and I will have to go somewhere else.  Several kids and cousins (my nephews and nieces)  are meandering around the room.    Her Dad starts talking about calling the police again because of my behavior.  I'm standing still with splints still on my arms wearing boxers.  I may have moved, I don't believe I did much movement and the FIL starts kinda bouncing around like a boxer saying "are you going to attack me, you better put your arms down and not threaten me.  I'm calling the police, (repeated it several times).  Wife starts trying to calm him saying ignore him, he doesn't matter.  (him being me, I believe)  Anyway FIL, said I'm calling the police, he (the police) will be here quickly.    Then her jerked the door open and "hopped" out of the door, slamming it behind him.  Another surreal moment for me, I've seen my wife do that same move with doors many times.  He pops back in the door in less than 30 seconds, says police are on their way and will be here in 10 minutes.  The TV was turned down, people got quiet, I went back to bed and dozed off again after 15-20 minutes.  To my knowledge there was no police response the second time.  Sigh, I'm strangely calm with some tinges of sadness.  

FF

[formflier]

I didn't realize that your parents lived nearby. Is it possible for this to be a place you can sleep if you need to? Less costly than a hotel.

 They don't.  They are in hotel and appear to be sorting out their future plans.    I am only child and these are only grandchildren.  My gut says that they will eventually move around here (or wherever grandchildren are).  There are obviously conversations that will need to happen with may parents today.  My Dad heard lots of tattling and threats from my wife last night and we need to have a clear conversation about the way forward.  My Dad has roots in this area and still has farm close by.  Farmhouse was torn down years ago, so this is the only suitable house for 8 kids that I or my family.  Quick refresher:  We moved here because my kids will get free college due to my veterans status.  Multiply by 8 and that solves lots of finance issues.  

FF

[sweetheart]

ff what warranted calling your dad to come over in the first instance, unless I've missed that it's not clear to me from what you have written?

[Notwendy]

I can't even begin to count the number of people in that house- three generations, kids, cousins. That is a lot of personalities together under one roof- a blessing, and also a challenge to have all the personalities in one place.

[EaglesJuju]

I am so sorry FF.  

I can see why hugging her was not going to work. It seems like she was on edge way before she even met you at the restaurant.  

I respect you for upholding your boundary. I know that name calling/accusations are really triggering for you.  From what I recall from prior instances when you walked away, doesn't her emotions skyrocket shortly thereafter? Although there were opportunities in the text conversation to diffuse things, in my opinion nothing productive was going to come out of the text conversation.  

How did it go from text conversations to parental involvement and police?  

[formflier]

   Can you track your responses and reactions to your wife in this thread against the roles set out in the triangle of conflict?  

 Like validation I still struggle with the triangle.  But I am getting better.  Historically, I used to rescue my wife a lot.  I easily fell into that role as an acts of service guy.  I've quit that for a while.  Looking at the triangle I generally have been the victim for a while.  I will tell you that I don't consciously choose that role, or want that role and I try to not dwell on it and work around my disabilities.  For instance, today I meet a neighbor.  He identified himself to me as disabled in our first couple of sentences back and forth.  You wouldn't know it by looking at him.  With me, you might notice my gait or posture being off.  Really depends on where my body is at.  I used to actively persecute my wife when I had enough.  Very bad period in our life before bpdfamily.  She would sleep deprive me, yammering away until I had enough and I could drive her from the room with my voice and presence.  To be clear, never physically tossed her out.    I don't believe I persecute her now.  My wife claims I do, but the stories are that I persecute her because I failed to do this or that.  Did I answer the question?  Thoughts?  

FF  

[Notwendy]

Thoughts? This just sounds so chaotic to me with extended family involved. There is the potential for more triangles than my kid's geometry book.

I wish I had some advice, but to me, it looks very complicated and a real challenge. I know people with large families and I have a lot of respect for them- in fact ,I am in awe of some of their organization skills.

A move, changes in roles of parents ( working/at home parent ) finances, extended family nearby- every single one of these changes would be an adjustment for any family. If there is BPD along with it, it would likely be complicated.

[formflier]

How did it go from text conversations to parental involvement and police?  

 Last weekend I was worried about being in control of myself due to my tiredness, that was one of the reasons I chose to go to hotel.  History:  I have rarely left the bedroom or house to sleep somewhere else.    The stuff I have to take with me to make sure I can get my hygiene right is a bit preposterous, but it does work.  So, in the past when she would rage at me in bed, I would lie still and wait it out.  It would usually blow over.  IMO, I got better sleep that way than going to hotel.  IMO, I got better sleep last night than I did on either one of the nights in the hotel last weekend.  Now, to answer you question.  I was "warned" via text that if I wanted to sleep I better make other plans (paraphrasing, I think I posted the text).  I came home to a yappy dog and people in the house I was unprepared for.  They have a choice to go a couple blocks away to my wife's parents house and do TV all night long make noise, party, etc etc.  That is what regularly happens at that house.  Apparently that is what they expect to regularly happen at this house (and I don't get to sleep here)  My Dad is the owner of the house and one of his desires is that I be able to sleep here and take care of my needs.  I was hoping it would avoid police or escalation.  Her dad was the instigator of police call.  The police calmed things for several hours.  

FF  

[formflier]

ff what warranted calling your dad to come over in the first instance, unless I've missed that it's not clear to me from what you have written?

 My Dad is actual owner of the house.  I hoped he could calm things.  I think I have posted about it already.  This was, to my knowledge, his first in person viewing of a BPD episode.  

FF