Insight into the BPD mind

[C.Stein]

Thanks for being here for me throughout today, C.Stein. It's such a hard time for me. I feel so sad.

You are very welcome.    

It is OK to feel sad.  You have invested so many emotions and so much time into this relationship that having to let it go might feel like you are giving up on yourself.  It felt that way for me.  Thing is, you aren't giving up on yourself when you decide to step away from a situation that leads to only pain and despair. 

I also have an over-active imagination and it is difficult sometimes to separate the false reality inside your head from true reality of life.

Maybe you can try building an achievable fantasy for yourself and work towards making that fantasy a reality?  Something the will boost your self-esteem and self-confidence.  You can create your own miracle!  Believe in your ability to do this.   

[Lifewriter16]

Hi thisworld,

How do I feel? Initially I cried. Now I feel momentarily peaceful, funnily enough but I'm scared the desperation will set in again.

When I say I have been a desperate woman, I mean desperate for contact, desperate to not lose him, desperate for contact with anything that makes me feel there is some continued connection with him (if only by talking about him on this website).

What I am frightened of is both the things you said. Firstly, not being able to prevent the desire to contact him and the constant urge to check my emails just in case he decides to contact me or to the urge to log on here just to maintain that tenuous link with him by talking about him. Secondly, I am frightened that I will get to the point where I want to check he really meant what he said (because it's clear he's dysregulated and he does change his mind) and initiate contact yet again. That's why I've asked him to block my email address. If he really doesn't want to hear from me he can prevent my emails getting to him as he's on hotmail which does have a blocking function. Then, if I crack, it won't matter.  Whilst I've put a filter on my email account, I know I can still access his emails if I choose too because gmail has no blocking function. I find myself searching for them anyway because I don't want to ignore them, because I would prefer to be with him. If he really doesn't want me, then he can take responsibility for ensuring there is no contact.

Strangely enough, I am no longer taking his inability to be with me personally. I am purely devastated by the loss of the man I love and whom I sincerely believe loves me. Unfortunately, he is too ill to allow himself to be loved. It triggers too many childhood traumas and he just can't cope with the emotional fallout he experiences.

I need to let him go WITH LOVE.

Love Lifewriter

[Lifewriter16]

An achievable fantasy sounds like an excellent idea, C.Stein. I'll give it some thought.

Lx

[patientandclear]

LW, when I said in my last post that the dynamic you and he were discussing is playing out right now--it is STILL playing out right now, dramatically so. You went WAY toward him in that email, with a light pretext and then a deep dive into what would need to happen for you two to work as a couple. He had already left it that that is not where he is right now. Now here you come seeming to ignore that and all about you two as a couple. So of course he pushes harder.

I have a version (more mild in that I am very sensitive to his "back off" signals and more extreme in that we both use total withdrawal for months to manage our resulting hurt) of this in my BPD r/ship which is why it jumps out.

[C.Stein]

Secondly, I am frightened that I will get to the point where I want to check he really meant what he said (because it's clear he's dysregulated and he does change his mind) and initiate contact yet again.

I can totally relate to this feeling of desperately wanting to contact the ex.  At times it is almost overwhelming.  I have probably written 20-30 texts that never got sent and many emails that still sit in my draft box.  Here is a suggestion for controlling your desire to contact.  Write the email and send it to yourself.  Or you can create an gmail account just for this purpose.  Send all your communications to that email address.  I know it's not quite the same but maybe it will help?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi patientandclear.

LW, when I said in my last post that the dynamic you and he were discussing is playing out right now--it is STILL playing out right now, dramatically so.

Yes, you're right. I felt compulsive, like I just couldn't not do it.

Perhaps others will learn from me sharing my experience though. I was never going to solve my push-pull dynamics overnight, was I?

Lifewriter x