Reigniting our inner fire

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey all.  It's been a while since I've been on the site.  I've been having a hard time lately; these past holidays were a body blow for me.  And I didn't see it coming.  For reasons I'm still trying to understand this second holiday without her was much worse than the first.  Two years later and the effect she has on me is nothing short of profound.  I've never known anything like it.

I miss my ex - that goes without saying.  She's never very far from my mind.  But I think I'm starting to realize that I miss who I was too.  I miss what she brought out in me.  I was on absolute fire that first year we were together.  I have never burned so bright.  I wasn't in a great place when I met her, but she awakened something core inside me.  It was like I came alive for the first time.  Suddenly everything in life made sense.  I knew exactly who I was and where I was going.  I suppose in a way I felt like I finally knew what it meant to be a man.  I don't mean macho.  I mean knowing what it truly means to have something higher in life - someone you want nothing more in the world than to provide for, protect, and treasure.  Someone you would make any sacrifice for and do so gladly.  And I hadn't ever really felt like that before.  No other relationship, no job, nothing else had really awoken that inside of me.  It was an amazing experience and it changed me.

It was like everything just starting clicking in life around that time.  I was doing amazing at work.  I had some major plans in the works for the next big step in my career.  I became much more active in our church.  I started doing some involving volunteer work.  I was unusually charming, outgoing, confident.  It did not go unnoticed.  Friends, coworkers, even my family noticed the change.  My sister told me that my ex softened me in a way she'd never seen before.  She said she'd never seen such a sparkle in my eyes.  My mother said she knew I'd marry my ex the first time she saw us together.  I have bipolar disorder and I know what mania feels like.  This was something quite different.  It was better.  It was sustained and absolutely crystal clear.  There was none of the million miles an hour thinking or any of that.  I was high on life and every day was a glorious day to be alive.  I can remember driving home from my ex's place as dawn would be breaking and the roads still mostly empty.  I remember so much that feeling watching the sun rise.  How it felt like I would burst with happiness.  How it felt like I had won at life.  This was my time and I had finally arrived.  God it was so good to be alive.

I've never really been the same since she left.  I think I'm starting to realize how much I miss who I was back then during that first year.  And I know mentally that change was inside of me.  That was me.  My ex awoken that in me, but it was me.  I did that.  I just have no idea how to get that back.  I have no idea how to reignite that fire.  I feel so cold and dark inside anymore.  In fact, I feel like I sort of pass through life like a shade.  More dead than alive.  There are times that are better than others, but this feeling that something core has been lost has been a constant since the day she left.  Something was extinguish inside me that day and it's never come back.

Has anyone else felt like this?  How have you been dealing with it?  How did you get the fire going again?

[cosmonaut]

Hey all.  It's been a while since I've been on the site.  I've been having a hard time lately; these past holidays were a body blow for me.  And I didn't see it coming.  For reasons I'm still trying to understand this second holiday without her was much worse than the first.  Two years later and the effect she has on me is nothing short of profound.  I've never known anything like it.

I miss my ex - that goes without saying.  She's never very far from my mind.  But I think I'm starting to realize that I miss who I was too.  I miss what she brought out in me.  I was on absolute fire that first year we were together.  I have never burned so bright.  I wasn't in a great place when I met her, but she awakened something core inside me.  It was like I came alive for the first time.  Suddenly everything in life made sense.  I knew exactly who I was and where I was going.  I suppose in a way I felt like I finally knew what it meant to be a man.  I don't mean macho.  I mean knowing what it truly means to have something higher in life - someone you want nothing more in the world than to provide for, protect, and treasure.  Someone you would make any sacrifice for and do so gladly.  And I hadn't ever really felt like that before.  No other relationship, no job, nothing else had really awoken that inside of me.  It was an amazing experience and it changed me.

It was like everything just starting clicking in life around that time.  I was doing amazing at work.  I had some major plans in the works for the next big step in my career.  I became much more active in our church.  I started doing some involving volunteer work.  I was unusually charming, outgoing, confident.  It did not go unnoticed.  Friends, coworkers, even my family noticed the change.  My sister told me that my ex softened me in a way she'd never seen before.  She said she'd never seen such a sparkle in my eyes.  My mother said she knew I'd marry my ex the first time she saw us together.  I have bipolar disorder and I know what mania feels like.  This was something quite different.  It was better.  It was sustained and absolutely crystal clear.  There was none of the million miles an hour thinking or any of that.  I was high on life and every day was a glorious day to be alive.  I can remember driving home from my ex's place as dawn would be breaking and the roads still mostly empty.  I remember so much that feeling watching the sun rise.  How it felt like I would burst with happiness.  How it felt like I had won at life.  This was my time and I had finally arrived.  God it was so good to be alive.

I've never really been the same since she left.  I think I'm starting to realize how much I miss who I was back then during that first year.  And I know mentally that change was inside of me.  That was me.  My ex awoken that in me, but it was me.  I did that.  I just have no idea how to get that back.  I have no idea how to reignite that fire.  I feel so cold and dark inside anymore.  In fact, I feel like I sort of pass through life like a shade.  More dead than alive.  There are times that are better than others, but this feeling that something core has been lost has been a constant since the day she left.  Something was extinguish inside me that day and it's never come back.

Has anyone else felt like this?  How have you been dealing with it?  How did you get the fire going again?

[blackbirdsong]

I miss what she brought out in me.  I was on absolute fire that first year we were together.  I have never burned so bright.  I wasn't in a great place when I met her, but she awakened something core inside me.  It was like I came alive for the first time.  Suddenly everything in life made sense.  I knew exactly who I was and where I was going.  I suppose in a way I felt like I finally knew what it meant to be a man.  

When you will feel in the same way just by being alone, not waiting on someone to reignite this flame in you, then you are ready for a healthy relationship.

No person can fill that void in you, only you. Everything else is an illusion - short living spark that gives as a false hope, as all our relationship stories here prove that statement.

Keep working, day by day. We all need to do this.

[C.Stein]

You know cosmonaut, I felt the very much the same at times with my ex.  Parts of me were sleeping inside and she awakened those parts of me.  Sadly it didn't last long (weeks) before the personal destruction started.  It didn't happened all at once so it was very good at times but slowly over time those parts + more got buried again.  At the end I was (and still am) in a much worse place personally than I was when I met her. 

When I met her I wasn't all that happy with my life, still am not, but I wasn't unhappy either.  She filled an emotional need I had that I should have been providing for myself.  As cheesy as it sounds she completed me and that is dangerous territory to be in.  It is likely the reason why some of us feel so empty once our ex is gone.  This probably has something to do with codependency.

I do miss that feeling where everything seems perfect, where all the pieces of the puzzle of your life finally fit together.  This is true love.  You are right though, this was all inside of you already she just gave you a reason to pull out all those last puzzle pieces. 

You can do this for yourself however, you don't need another person to be all you can be ... .to be happy with purpose.  Think of something that would bring these parts of you back into the light, not another person, but something you can do for yourself.  Give your life purpose, bring happiness and joy into your life without depending on another to provide that for you.  I can't tell you how to do that as it is a very personal thing you need to work out on your own.   This is however the key to being truly happy though.  Discovering true happiness within yourself and your life, learn how to love yourself without needing the love of another.  That is what it is all about anyhow isn't it ... .love?  Then when that right person comes along you will be able to give without the need to get ... .make sense?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey cosmo-

I miss what she brought out in me.  I was on absolute fire that first year we were together.  I have never burned so bright.  I wasn't in a great place when I met her, but she awakened something core inside me.  It was like I came alive for the first time.  Suddenly everything in life made sense.  I knew exactly who I was and where I was going.  

... .

And I know mentally that change was inside of me.  That was me.  My ex awoken that in me, but it was me.  I did that.  

Good call so far: you realize she was just a vehicle to take you to where you were, but who you were then was inside you the whole time, and still is.

If I was with you in person right now I'd insist we not sit down staring at a computer, but we go for a walk, brisk pace, strong posture, deep breaths, fired-up mindset, all things you have control of, you can create a fired-up physiology because you say so, and emotion is created by motion. So try that.

And this is cool really, an opportunity.  You felt the way you did when you were with her because you were focusing on certain beliefs about yourself and the world, she helped with that focus, and then the focus shifted when she left, but what you focus on is entirely in your control.  What did you make it mean when you were with her?  What did you make it mean when she left?  That change in beliefs is what made the flame go out, although the pilot light is still burning strong, you know that.

Who are you?  Where do you want to go?  Who do you want to be?

And the other piece is a compelling future.  What are you looking forward to?  I'd guess you're looking forward to getting back to the way you felt about yourself when you were with her, so what does that look like?  What does it feel like in your body?  How do you stand when you're in that state, how do you breathe, what do you hear?  All of those states are available to you right now, all you have to do is go there because you say so.  And if you make that vision for your future compelling enough it will pull you towards it.    

And what if you don't go to that place?  What will it cost you?  What will you lose?  Who will you hurt?  Why does it matter?

I knew all of this stuff before I met her, and like you she made going there effortless when I was with her and seemingly impossible to get there when it ended.  It took a while, but I found it again, because I created it again, and the good news is not only can we go there at will, we get to take the new-found wisdom gleaned from the relationship there with us too, our futures are becoming brighter than our pasts and we haven't had our best day yet.

So what do you need to do right now to get there?

[homefree]

I can remember driving home from my ex's place as dawn would be breaking and the roads still mostly empty.  I remember so much that feeling watching the sun rise.  How it felt like I would burst with happiness.  How it felt like I had won at life.  This was my time and I had finally arrived.  God it was so good to be alive.

This captures that feeling so well. I have been there. This is the magical, beautiful world that I wanted to always return to, always kept trying to keep alive. Getting back there became the entire purpose of the later part of my relationship. It's the place I mourn losing after the breakup.

I've been there once before, with my first love. It was so powerful. I grieved over losing that with my first love for years and years.

But there is something not quite right here. The world didn't change. It was the same as when I first met her. The way I looked at it changed. My emotions imbued reality with it's own spin. And that spin was out of proportion from the truth. I started not to see things as they are, in the moment, but what I dreamed they would be for the rest of my life. I built a reality as a reaction to her that would make me happy in every way, today and in the future.

In both situations, the relationship was good, but there were serious red flags that I ignored and behavior that didn't address my needs at all, but I pushed them away with the strong fantasy I created that did do those things. And looking back at both relationships, it was mostly not real. They were reacting with their own fantasy as well, and we were never really dealing with the real person behind it.

Here's what I now believe about myself. It may apply to you as well, I don't know.

I have these core wounds. Feelings of abandonment, a bruised ego, a life of rejection, isolation, low self-esteem. The pains of love and rejection have built up over my whole life and I have carried them with me. I buried them as best as I could, but they affected everything I did in my life to some degree because I didn't want to let those wounds out of the box I secured them in.

Then I met her, and the child in me saw the chance to actually deal with this pain box that I was trying to bury so deep. Here was the chance, my emotions would whisper. Here is the answer to fix everything in there, and your problems will be solved. And so I slowly opened up that pain, and I felt awakened, like I was alive for the first time in so very long. I feel like this is because I was able to bring out all those other parts of me, I didn't have to live clamped down on things so I could protect myself. The box was open - this person was able to soothe every one of them, and I was now able to live as I wanted. I was able to feel this joy I never allowed myself because even though I tried to bury the pain, it was still there, underground, affecting so many things whether I was aware or not.

So I was free. She had freed me. She had fixed the damage.

But it was illusion. It was the mind powerfully tricking itself. The damage was still there. But now it was out of the box, floating free.

And as the illusion starts to fade when she started reacting in ways that didn't match this fantasy, the illusion started to lose it's ability to cover these damaged pieces of me. The blanket started to be pulled up, revealing these exposed pains i had brought back out for her to heal.

And now the pain is great whenever she is not able to activate my fantasy. All I want now is to bring that fantasy back because that is the only thing that was able to do anything about the pain. And then her push/pull just starts pulling my heart back and forth over all this and it's truly destructive. All the pain is out of the box, and now I have this new huge pain on top of it. And I can't take it any longer and free myself just because I can't bare the torture any more. And here I am.

Here's what I feel I've learned.

I should have been addressing the pain in the box. Trying to heal it myself. Counter their effects by loving myself. By forgiving myself. By giving myself and others understanding.

By doing whatever I could to heal.

Then, when I meet someone, I don't have to wonder if they will fix these wounds. I won't see them as the solution to my box of pain. I will see them for who they are. And they will see me. And a real relationship can happen.

I don't know if this makes sense to anyone, but it's how I currently see it.

[AwakenedOne]

I miss my ex - that goes without saying.  She's never very far from my mind.  

Hi cosmonaut,

Do you feel that having her so close in your thoughts is preventing you from reigniting the fire?

[Inside]

A BPD r/s is ‘all at once,’ thus they don’t last…  They throw all they’ve got, all they’ve learned - and everything they can determine that we’d love at us immediately.  I remember that high as well...   But it’s false, not ‘our feelings,’ but what generated them. 

It would be wonderful if we could both initiate and sustain such a high, naturally and for healthy reasons.  We likely do hit the highs periodically, but that kind of exuberance cannot be sustained. 

In a very long marriage, that actually worked (though ultimately failed), everything you described was there - but - it played out over years, decades ... .not weeks and months... as did my BPD r/s. 

Away from my former BP lover for 2 years, major life changes have kept me from finding anyone else.  But, those changes in themself are exhilarating.  Stood on a mountaintop near my new home ... 3,000 miles away from the former, teared up over it’s magnificence, and realized it was a journey I needed to make alone.  And, did! 

It’s out there - as long as you are.  If nothing else, after nearly 3 decades of marriage, my following experience with the BP convinced me, it’s not over.  It was good, then it wasn’t, and now it’s getting closer to being better.  And when I’m settled in my new home, ain’t no BP gonna latch onto me again, for better or worse ... richer or poorer ... .till death do I drop

[Euler2718]

I can remember driving home from my ex's place as dawn would be breaking and the roads still mostly empty.  I remember so much that feeling watching the sun rise.  How it felt like I would burst with happiness.  How it felt like I had won at life.  This was my time and I had finally arrived.  God it was so good to be alive.

OK, now for those of you who can relate to this quote I offer the musical analog:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PejBkU4-1fk&index=2&list=PLDxm-2Lesjfp74Qiwxa4Te4-e8m3kvfbd

[cosmonaut]

Thanks for all the great feedback.  I appreciate it.  This site has some wonderful members.  

I think you're all right on about needing to find my own way.  And I want to do this.  On my own.  I know there are all these things that I want to change.  All this work to be done.  And yet, I can't seem to get the engine started to do that.  I don't feel so much a void inside as perhaps a stillness.  A lack of something certainly, but not exactly hollow.  The best analogy I suppose I can give is that my ex was the muse to my artist.  And following that analogy, without her I can't write.  I can't paint.  All of that energy and that creativity left with her.  I know that she didn't supply that artistic talent - it came from within.  And yet she did supply something.  She was the spark.  She was the key that unlocked all of that pent up potential.  It was similar in my life.  She really did awaken something in me.  And without her it sleeps again.  I have no idea how to awaken it again.  So, I stumble forward in life, but all that potential sleeps.

"To be happy with purpose" - I guess that's really the crux of my struggle.  I'm not at all sure how to recover that effortless energy.  That absolute clarity.  That bottomless joy.  I know it must be inside me somewhere, but I have no idea how to tap into it.  I manage in life.  I carry on.  But it is a rather colorless existence.  There are times it is better than others.  Times when I feel a certain happiness.  But I mostly feel like life is rather gray now.  Perhaps part of my problem is that I do still love my ex.  I've thought about whether I am obsessed with her.  Perhaps I am, but I don't think that's it.  It doesn't feel compulsive.  I've never stalked her.  Never bombarded her with contact.  Never done anything crazy like that.  It's just in my mind.  In my heart.  What is to say that isn't love?  If someone loses a spouse to death do they leave their heart?  If a parent loses a child do they no longer think of them?  I suspect that I am going through similar.  I miss someone I truly love.  And that makes it very hard to begin anything new with someone else.  I have absolutely zero interest in seeing anyone else.  And yet, I fully admit that I am often terribly lonely.  I feel it acutely when out to dinner with some friends or at church or even out at the store.  Seeing families and couples happily together fills me with deep sadness.  And jealousy.  In a way, I feel cheated.  Robbed.  I haven't yet been able to resolve that, but I suspect that this issue of getting my fire back is the key to resolving this.

That's good advice to put motion before emotion.  And maybe I should try more to fake it to make it.  What I've been doing hasn't been working.  I no longer am in the zombie state I was when she first left.  I've let go of most of the anger.  I've spent a great deal of time examining my role in the relationship.  I've not been able to let go of all of the guilt I feel, but I'm working on that.  The one thing that really remains is this feeling of loss.  Not only of her, but of something core in me.  And I haven't found a solution to that.  Maybe you are right that faking it to make it is the way to proceed.  Maybe I just need to give that more time?

[patientandclear]

For what it's worth, I feel exactly the same.

[fromheeltoheal]

And maybe I should try more to fake it to make it.  

“Do. Or do not. There is no try.”  Yoda

And creating is real, faking is fake.

If what you're doing isn't working, try something else, see if it works, if not, try something else, see if it works, if not... .



Intended for motivational purposes.  If found to be irritating, maybe that's a good thing?