Doing Inventory

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello all

I am trying to do inventory and struggling. How did you all do it? Any advice?

I've tried sitting down with pen and paper, also making notes on my computer. I think I am challenged by a couple of things. The suggestion is to carefully list your priorities, your fears, options, and pros and cons.

Lately my boyfriend has been doing much better. I am doing better too. But the four years of endless chaos and recycling have really left scars. Especially with my kids. As I've mentioned, my three kids originally welcomed him into our family. After his repeated storming off, break-ups and other behaviors, they have had enough. He could be prince charming tomorrow (unlikely) and they would still take a long time to build trust.

So one thing I am wrestling with is where their feelings fit on the inventory. I do have a lot of conflicting priorities here.

Another thing may sound murky... .my own feelings shift day to day. I really don't feel like I have a firm grasp on the situation. It is hard to tell how much my love (and possible love addiction) for this person are causing me to be less than honest with myself. Interestingly I have noticed that during the times we are doing better I have more cautions about the relationship. I think this is because lacking the drama and my own hurt I can see more clearly all the obstacles we face.

So... .any been there done that advice on creating an honest inventory? Is this an ongoing process?

[HurtinNW]

Hello all

I am trying to do inventory and struggling. How did you all do it? Any advice?

I've tried sitting down with pen and paper, also making notes on my computer. I think I am challenged by a couple of things. The suggestion is to carefully list your priorities, your fears, options, and pros and cons.

Lately my boyfriend has been doing much better. I am doing better too. But the four years of endless chaos and recycling have really left scars. Especially with my kids. As I've mentioned, my three kids originally welcomed him into our family. After his repeated storming off, break-ups and other behaviors, they have had enough. He could be prince charming tomorrow (unlikely) and they would still take a long time to build trust.

So one thing I am wrestling with is where their feelings fit on the inventory. I do have a lot of conflicting priorities here.

Another thing may sound murky... .my own feelings shift day to day. I really don't feel like I have a firm grasp on the situation. It is hard to tell how much my love (and possible love addiction) for this person are causing me to be less than honest with myself. Interestingly I have noticed that during the times we are doing better I have more cautions about the relationship. I think this is because lacking the drama and my own hurt I can see more clearly all the obstacles we face.

So... .any been there done that advice on creating an honest inventory? Is this an ongoing process?

[Mutt]

Hi HurtinNW,

Interestingly I have noticed that during the times we are doing better I have more cautions about the relationship.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I recall feeling that way. How it was nice that things were calm but I was worried about when things would become tumultuous again.

How do the kids feel?

[HurtinNW]

[[/quote]
I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I recall feeling that way. How it was nice that things were calm but I was worried about when things would become tumultuous again.

How do the kids feel?[/quote]
The kids have had it, to be honest. They went from want to embrace him and welcome him into our lives to being completely distrustful. They do not want him back around.

It is very disheartening and hard on me. If he couldn't handle things with three kids rolling out the red carpet for him, how can he possibly handle it when they are actively opposed?

This is a situation where I fear his behaviors have created a natural consequence I cannot control. It may be the decision is out of my hands... .

[Mutt]

HurtinNW,

You sound very frustrated. I don't think that it's an ongoing process but it can take time and it can be hard to make decisions if we're depressed.

A criterion on Step 5 for staying is accepting the role of emotional caretaker. You have to be strong for that. Do you get time for yourself for self care?

It sounds like you want what's best for the kids.

[Caley]

The situation is very clear.

You are in an abusive relationship where, not only is your partner abusing you, you are abusing you too.

You are not being honest, for a number of reasons, with yourself. Will you listen? I hope so ...

An honest inventory would be to begin writing down all the things you like to do, would love to do, whom it is you would like to be ... the kind of people you want to attract and spend time with, places you'd like to visit, things you want to accomplish, etc., search within yourself and let the ink flow.

Start each desire with ... .

'Stay in an abusive relationship and remain unhappilly unfulfilled or ... .(the world is your playground ... explore)'.

Leave whoever it is that makes life difficult, miserable, arduous, complicated to their own devices ... adopt some healthy narcissism ... allow them the room to develop in their own time (their mistakes are their mistakes ... let them learn from their mistakes ... you have).

The very best to you.

[HurtinNW]

Mutt: I don't think I have it in me to be the emotional caretaker. In times I am feeling good and am regulated, I think I can, and I do quite well at it. I've successfully parented three special needs kids from foster care... .I know I am good at working with challenges. I am very loving and generous. But I lose that perspective with my boyfriend. It is different than with my kids.

Caley, that is a good idea for an inventory. I will do that too. Would you mind telling me how you think I am not being honest with myself? Is that part of being lost in the FOG? I think that has been going on.

I have my own abandonment issues, my mom was BPD. I think this relationship has triggered things in me too.

[Mutt]

HurtinNW,

I'm happy to help you. I think that your looking at your true and honest feelings too.

[HurtinNW]

Thank you Mutt. One thing I realize I am doing is taking actions to try and get him to change, to react. We are both very reactive. It is hard to get the turmoil to settle when I know I am playing a role in it. I struggle with trying to stay true to my morals and feelings while also settling the relationship down.

For example, we have been seeing each other and in some ways doing well. However, I think a lot of that is lack of proximity for him. One thing that happens when we see each other is we make love. I've pursued this as well. It feels like a genuine connection. But at the same time I end up feeling vast regret. I really don't believe in making love outside a committed relationship. And this relationship doesn't even feel like a relationship. My kids are now opposed; we don't spend the night together; we rarely go out. To his defense he would be happy to spend the night, but he burned that bridge with my kids and I am now in damage control mode. My boundary is I will not put them through any more chaos.

So I am stuck. I am tempted to tell him no more making love. But I think that is part of me poking him, trying to get a reaction (and communicate my pain). I don't know if it is really me setting a boundary. And where would it lead? At some point if you take all the parts of a relationship off the table there is no relationship at all.

This is a person I have loved deeply. He is not a monster, not a bad person. He has wonderful true qualities. It is very hard for me to detach, though I have tried. I feel trapped in this endless swirl. I don't know how to detach and I don't know how to be the partner he needs.

[Mutt]

HurtinNW,

I would feel sad and deeply hurt if it doesn't feel like a relationship and we're going through the motions. It sounds like emotional intimacy is missing. Does he have a hard time sharing his feelings? Have you tried counselling together?

[HurtinNW]

Yes, the emotional intimacy is missing. And I think that is the true sorrow. In the past when we recycled the sense of intimacy always came back. Now it seems to be gone. I believe it is lack of trust. I no longer trust him. I don't trust he won't blow up, leave, say hurtful things and basically break his promises.

I've been looking at Radical Acceptance. I just don't know if I can radically accept him. If I do then it means having it a very limited relationship, because I refuse to expose the kids to more chaos and pain.

We have tried counseling a few times. Each time I feel he uses the therapist as an audience to paint me black. I have sat through entire sessions listening to him dissect me, "explain" why his behaviors are reasonable, minimize and rationalize his own conduct. He is very good at painting others black, is super smart, and so some therapists get pulled into it. It took me awhile to realize what was happening... .my reality gets altered around him. I start thinking maybe I am crazy like he says.

Recently we started seeing a new therapist. I confronted him that we weren't using the therapist for help, that it felt to me he just wanted an audience. He did pull back from some of the behaviors. But frankly his need to justify seems so strong he cannot resist it. So again we spent an entire session revolving around his narrative.

He wants to see the therapist again next Friday. I'm open to it.

He has a hard time sharing his feelings. Mostly because he doesn't know what his feelings are. He has admitted this. He is very out of touch with his own feelings. The funny-sad thing is he thinks of himself as a kind, gentle, slow-to-anger, reasonable person. On his good days, that might be true. But most the time he is exactly the opposite: quick to anger, very emotional, fragile and explosive.

The truth is I have become very much the same. I am emotionally fragile now, sensitive, reactive and often confused. I am not explosive, however.

[Mutt]

HurtinNW,

I would feel worn down and fragile too. I know what you mean with the therapy sessions.

A pwBPD feel like nobody understands them and feel alone. He's rejection sensitive and he's dissecting and rationalizing his behaviors because he feels shame.

He needs a lot of validation and the communication tools will help. It takes one to stop the conflict. What he feels are facts and it really helps to validate the feelings. Trust takes time, its possible that he'll open up with communication tweaks with validation, and SET.

My advice with radical acceptance is its not easy but if it's a goal that you set know that it comes gradually.

Do you have a trusted family member or friend for support? Someone to talk to?

Do you get a break and spend time doing something you enjoy by yourself?