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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: dealing with BPD~  (Read 394 times)
bus boy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 908


« on: January 19, 2016, 08:21:59 PM »

This is my first time on a discussion group. I have been in therapy for several years and have made good progress, I hope to get input from people who have been through the mental nightmare of a BPD or npd. My story is probably like many on this site. I have lived through sinister mental abuse, verbal abuse,  manipulation and horrible lies. I was de humanized made to feel like dirt, talked to like a dog, I think you get the point.

My ex wife and I have a 9 year old boy, she left me when he was 6 months old. In the beginning it was good, I saw a few things I questioned to my self but over looked it thinking we all have quirks. After we moved in together the abuse started. Mean comments to me and about my family, telling me they wouldn't talk to her and I have to protect her, I was confused, protect her from what? It got horrable. Twisting words, keeping me on the defensive, said we would never have children until I promise my family would have no contact. The night mare got worse after we married, I turned into a shell of a human, I watched my every word and how I said it. I had a serious mental breakdown, started drinking a lot. She was always telling me I wasn't there for her, I was a terrible husband, I didn't know how to take care of her, she said I had to be there 100%, 100% of the time, I made my self crazy trying to please her.

There was never a kind word, a good morning, good night, how was your day, have a good day, nothing ever, I was like a kicked puppy dog around her, turning my self inside to please her and get that compliment I was craving and that never came. I was threatened by her with violence countless times, scream and swear at me tell me I was crazy my family was crazy and I'm driving her crazy, it was horrable.

I begged her to come to counselling many times she refused. So in the past 8 years since she left I've turned myself inside out to prove I'm there for her and my son. I was denied every attempt to do things with my son but she would tell the court I never made any attempt to spend time with my son. We carried on a sexual  relationship all the while I held on to hope we would be a family and I can prove my self if I tried harder and showed her how much I loved her, was I ever wrong.

Back in September 2015, I found out she was involved with another man, I was heart broken, got the silent treatment,  I was the enemy. I grew a lot in that time, saw her treachery with clear eyes. She is giving this man all the free reign with my son that I was always denied and although I have no feelings for her anymore the question goes around and around in my head, is she going to be different with this new man or take a new approach to destroying him. I grew a lot since September but it is a new mental struggle thinking she is happy and I tried so hard and failed and lost my family.

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Turkish
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned in Feb 2013.
Posts: 11128


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« Reply #1 on: January 19, 2016, 11:06:30 PM »

Hello bus boy,

You've been through a years long struggle fighting too keep some semblance of your family intact. What a blow to find out about the other man, and even harder to see that he has been given a role with your son.

When you speak about losing your family, I'm wondering what the custidy situation looks like? Who lives where, and how much time does your son spend with you and her. Is there a custidy order?

Turkish
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
bus boy
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 908


« Reply #2 on: January 23, 2016, 09:16:05 AM »

Hi Turkish

It has been a terrible struggle. The abuse escalated as our relationship got more committed,  moving In and than marriage. My sister helped me get the engagement ring, when my now ex wife found out she took the ring off, went into rage, called me pathetic, said I was unbelievable and left. I should of returned the ring than and there but I have a beautiful today that I love very much. Hrs 9 we've had a court order custody agreement since he was 2, joint custody, she is primary caretaker. I've had to take her back to court several times. My lawyer has been involved in family law for over 30 years and she said this was the most difficult case she ever saw. A family court worker told me off the record that this is the most unique case they ever saw. She is the most difficult, uncompromising person they ever dealt with. For me it has been a nightmare at every turn. I could write about it all day but I think you know where I'm coming from. I do have a new agreement in place and the judge is going to review it in august. Although I have made great strides mentally ill still have my moments where I question could I have done more but that is part of the mental damage they do that lasts for a long time. I ask my self why does she love this new man and seems to embrace his family but treated me like a dog and said every horrable mean nasty thing about my family and tried to drive a wedge between my family and I and my son, used her family to help with this wedge, denies all her threats of violence, took pleasure in using violence against me, knowing I was a very unviolent person. But on more clear days I say to my self she has a different plan for her new relationship. It's a very difficult mental situation of being rejected by the person you loved so unconditionally.
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