Shattered again;How do you pick up the pieces?

[Larmoyant]

I'm back on the leaving board from the undecided. My relationship is over again and I'm hurting so much. I was angry yesterday fed up with the constant chaos, the rants/rages, push/pull, interrogations, lies, gaslighting, etc, etc so I put a stop to it.

My therapist said if I'm ever going to get back on my feet I will have to leave my abuser. The man who promised to love me and care for me as I do him, but who can't hold himself together for a week before having a meltdown. it was easier yesterday as I was angry and had had enough, but today I'm back to pain.

I've lost everything, my job, my career, money, self-respect, even friends. He destroyed everything I worked for and I couldn't stop it.

How do I go about picking up the pieces? How do I get my life back?

[letmeout]

Baby steps. Many one step forward, two steps back sort of thing. You can do it! Most important is to leave, even if you have to go sleep on someone's couch. Second important is to stay away from your abuser.  As in no contact. Ever.

Then get a new job, even if you have to work two jobs to get back on your feet financially. Your therapist can help you with how to build your self esteem back up.

This is no longer about your abuser and what you lost. Its about you getting your life back, which is much more important.

You deserve peace and happiness!

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Larmoyant,

I hear your pain and want to send you a big hug to help you get through your day. 

I'm not going to tell you that picking up the pieces after a relationship with a pwBPD is easy. It's not. It is a lengthy process and terribly painful. I so wish that I could take that pain from you, because I feel it with you, I have been where you are now numerous times in the last 9 months since the recycling began. The sense of helplessness was tremendous. In my case, there was little I could do to prevent my relationship being destroyed by my partner and it all seemed like such a waste. My partner was in too much pain when he was with me, the triggers of childhood traumas were so powerful that he was re-living his past time and time again and I appeared to be the cause. He got rid of me in an attempt to get rid of the pain. His thinking is crazy, but I can understand his motivation.

It is especially hard to do the best thing for yourself, to protect yourself by ending the relationship. In some ways, being discarded is easier. I've been in both positions. However, both are heart-breaking.

During the awful months, know that it will get better. You are not alone in this even when you feel alone. Post here whenever you need to. Vent. Let your anger out safely. Cry buckets when you need to. Try writing letters that you never send, perhaps post them here. Try keeping a journal where you pour out your pain. Never mind about the spelling, just write it as it is. Care about yourself. Give yourself hugs. Talk to the part of you that is hurting and give yourself reassurance that you are deeply loved, by others and by yourself. These things help, especially if you have a wounded inner child.

It will get easier but it is a long road, so never think there's something wrong with you jus because it's taking a long time for you to start feeling better. It has taken me 9 awful months to finally accept that it is over and that I will never have the happy ending I hoped for with my BPDxbf. I have finally relinquished the future that I had anticipated having with him and that acceptance has helped me tremendously. Ultimately, acceptance and grieving are the key.

You are loved... .

Lifewriter x

[Larmoyant]

letmeout and lifewriter16 thank you so very much. I'm a mess right now, sobbing. I'm sitting in the ruins of my life wondering how it all happened. He's cruel, so cruel, the text messages I have received are soul destroying, but I can do this, this time because there's nothing left for him to take. Nothing. Thank you for being here.

[letmeout]

Keeping a journal is very important. I've filled at least 25 notebooks just getting everything off my chest, over and over again. It does work.

This is hard to do but quit reading his text messages, they are not about you, they are about him and his craziness. You don't need to hear that.

Blessings!

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Larmoyant,

I know it feels awful to be in such pain that sobbing is all you can do, but I'd like to reassure you that sobbing is the very thing that will help you move on. It has been my experience that allowing emotions full expression in a safe environment is a basic human healing mechanism.

How are you feeling now?

Love Lifewriter

[Larmoyant]

Hi, I resorted to self-medication last night with a couple of glasses of wine and then I was so exhausted I fell asleep. He sent me more emails and more texts, but I took the advice and stopped reading them. I should probably just delete them without reading, but I can’t seem to do that.

I’ve just read a few and he’s gone off on some tangent, ignoring the actual issue, accusing me of going off with another man, saying I’d been planning it all along, then apologising for ranting blaming it on pain medication but says it’s only me he rages at and he doesn’t do it to others. In other words, the pain medication makes him blow up at me specifically! He then says he rages because he cares so much but gets so frustrated when I lie and hurt “us” and that he needs to protect himself from me. That I don't know what it means to be a couple. That today is about the death of us.

It’s devastating. It's as if he is in a desperate search to find someone or something to blame to avoid responsibility and/or accountability. There is no one else and why does he feel he needs to protect himself from me? I loved and cared for this man.

I think I've realised that no amount of reassurance or love is ever going to be enough. I've tried so hard, losing myself in the process, always forgiving the cruelty, the rages. Seemingly out of nowhere this man has screamed at me, insulted me, humiliated me in public, left me stranded, physically hurt me and I tolerated this. I'm in therapy now trying to work out why. He needs to control everything and his needs took over so did my need to have someone to love and love me. I tried too hard. I am codependent and I let go of my own needs and life. Now I have to face it all and I'm scared. He’s ok. He has a job, a career, a house. I’ve lost all of it and I am so scared of what’s going to happen now.

Sorry for venting. I'm all over the place.

[Beacher]

So sorry you are going through this. My BPD husband left in November and I also have cried buckets but know in my heart this is how it must be. The name calling, screaming and devaluing after 10 years have taken its toll. He swears it's completely normal for couples to be like this and I am just making him out to be a abusive son of a b___. I couldn't believe when he told me as long as it's not violent or public it was perfectly alright for him to be " intellectually disrespectful " to me if he feels he is not getting what he needs. Whaaaat?

The push pull, running out of the house  when he loses it, I have to keep this in mind when I'm scared and fearful of what my future holds. He mismanaged our finances terribly and now the house is underwater, nothing in the bank, and I'm on disability. He will simply move on to the next person while I figure out how to pick up the pieces also.

The best advice I can give you is simply take it day by day. No contact, especially the crazy texts. Can you block him? It's one thing to hear the awful accusations but seeing it in black and white is a killer.

Allow,yourself some time to grieve and keep in mind he is a sick person. It's time to start your life over and rediscover you are a woman of dignity and pride. Never in my life have I ever been treated like this and it will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN! Glad you are in therapy. Lots of love and hang in there

[Larmoyant]

Beacher, your post made me cry. I’m so sorry that you are going through this too, it’s devastating and I can so relate to running out of the house when he rages and doesn’t stop. Almost every week I had to run from this and he would blame our problems on me leaving, but not his rages!

It seems that the more I kept losing the more reason I had to stay. Where else was I going to go? I’m receiving an unemployment benefit, but have been exempted from looking for work right now due to my depression. I am so dreadfully ashamed of this. Two years ago I was a postgrad with a part-time job looking forward to a great future. I should be out there working, but I literally feel like I can’t move sometimes. I feel in some sort of shock. I feel pathetic, but I want my dignity and pride back. If I stay with him it’s not going to happen. My feet are never on solid ground with him.

Thank you for helping me. Please hang in there too. We can do this. Love and hugs to you, xx

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Larmoyant,

I think I've realised that no amount of reassurance or love is ever going to be enough.

The truth I discovered with my own abusive BPDxbf is that the more love we give them, the WORSE it gets. They act as they do BECAUSE we love them. My BPDxbf said (as he was leaving) that he'd discovered that, even though I loved him, he couldn't have 'exactly what he needed' from me. Rather than adjust to that, he chose to leave looking for someone else, who presumably, would do that for him. People with BPD need the people who love them to be perfect, which I think means they need to meet the pwBPD's needs perfectly. There is no give and take. Sad as it is, we really are only there to make them feel better and once their pain is triggered by the closeness and love they have found with us, they feel worse and all hell breaks lose and it gets PROGRESSIVELY worse and continues on that downwards tranjectory until the final breakup. A BPD in therapy is even worse, in my opinion, because they are more in contact with their pain. The more they try and sit with their pain, the less able they are to cope. They need masses of therapeutic help, but the hope of someone who will make it 'alright' dies hard and the likelihood of them leaving us is pretty high throughout the entire process.

My BPDxbf was looking for a Tinkerbell who would drink the poison intended for Peter Pan (himself). He literally was prepared for me to die emotionally as long as it fixed him. Being with a pwBPD does this to us. WE die in trying to save THEM.

You will be tortured by what-ifs. I was. I needed to keep checking whether there was any hope, so I kept going back. I needed to find out for myself, I couldn't simply take the advice of others who had been there before me. However, I have come to believe that it will truly never get better, it's just a matter of how long it takes to get to the final discard. Others here may disagree with me on this though. You need to make your own decisions. We all have to learn in our own way.

Sending you lots of love... .and also to you, Beacher.

Lifewriter x

[RR4U]

I've been going back and forth on undecided and leaving board.  This post is also my life.  It's horrible that so many of us are in this.  But it's also helping to know we're not alone.  I just want to lay in all day but I can't. And I know I can't.  Sometimes I really wish I could find a support group near me at this point.  Wishing us all a calm day to take care of our needs. 

[Caley]

Hello L,

It's OK to be cross ... chaos is unsettling. And, if you're a naturally sensitive person ... it is going to hurt like sandpaper when someone withdraws or withholds affection ... or in the midst of the emotions post break up. It will not break you ... even though, in these moments, it feels unbearable. I promise you ... you will get through it. 

Would you mind explaining to me how many times you feel that this relationship has been 'over'?

[Larmoyant]

Lifewriter16, I also kept going back because of hope even though others advised me to stay well away. After each one of his major outbursts, and there were many, I swore I’d never go back, but still I kept doing it. He always persuaded me to return. Sometimes I’d resist, remind myself that he was ruining me, I’d stick to reality only to succumb to promises of a wonderful future, etc, etc, and back into denial I would go. Given our track record he’ll probably try to come back again and because I’m hurting I want him to, but more and more I’m realising that hurting or not I have to stay away. Maybe this time he’s gone for good, but someone once told me that it would be me that would have to end it because he won’t. Maybe she's right. Thank you so much for responding to my post. It's helping me think more clearly.

RR4U, my heart goes out to you as I know what it’s like to just lie there not wanting to move. I also don’t wish this on anyone, but I agree knowing we are not alone, that others understand, helps so much. My family don’t get it and I don’t blame them one bit. Who can understand crazy and I’m not just talking him. Sometimes I believe I’m the crazy one as why else do I keep returning to more of the same! I am in therapy now and it’s helping me to understand the dynamics at play. I have another appointment with her today and it couldn’t come at a better time. I’m truly hoping that she can help me stay away for good this time. I hope you have someone you can talk to so you can let it all out. Love and hugs to you. One day this won’t hurt us so much.

Caley, I am a sensitive person and the constant push/pull, on again/off again has been incredibly painful. Just when you start believing it’s all going to be ok he explodes about something or other and he would tell me that he couldn’t do this anymore. I would leave, usually in tears, but he would be back in contact soon after and we’d be back on again. I’ve lost count how many times I thought it was over for good! He went overseas for a couple of months last year, we’d finished, but he’d phone or email a lot. We started up again when he returned and he promised he’d try not to rage if I agreed not to leave every time. He blamed the lack of stability on me leaving. I tried my hardest, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself and there was no reasoning with him. He’d say or do something very cruel and I’d either rage back, curl up in a ball sobbing or flee in fear. I can’t remember how many times I drove home crying and in so much pain believing this was finally it. It’s coming up to two years and we have not had one single week where he’s not blown up. Not one. Sounds improbable, but it isn’t. I’ve tried everything to try to prevent this, but nothing has worked. The sad thing is that he’s tried too, but he can’t seem to trust anyone/anything and now I can’t either. I used to be a trusting soul, but I’ve lost all faith. Now I’m just scared all the time, like him probably. This truly hurts. Hugs to you too and thank you so much for replying. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Larmoyant, I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain, though I can honestly say that it leads to greater happiness.  I nearly destroyed myself physically, emotionally and financially in my marriage to a pwBPD, so I understand where you are coming from.  The first step, in my view, is to focus on yourself with care and kindness.  You have been through a lot and it will take time to heal.  Please know that others have been down this path before you, so you are not alone.  It does get better.  Another tip: listen to your gut feelings, which you may have ignored in the throes of a BPD r/s.

LuckyJim

[Muradin]

Thank you for sharing so much of your story with us. I don't have any advice, but I relate heavily to your story. I know the feeling when my ex texts me. I had to change my phone number when my ex BPD left me; and then she still wanted to pile on the hurt with what feels like thousands of messages all focused on pointing out all my flaws. It is so difficult, I want to believe everything that she says, even though I know it is toxic. It is so painful to miss her and want to save her. I know I need to be strong like you and all the people who have given such great advice. It really means a lot to read and relate. Thank you again.

[Larmoyant]

Hey Larmoyant, I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain, though I can honestly say that it leads to greater happiness.  I nearly destroyed myself physically, emotionally and financially in my marriage to a pwBPD, so I understand where you are coming from.  The first step, in my view, is to focus on yourself with care and kindness.  You have been through a lot and it will take time to heal.  Please know that others have been down this path before you, so you are not alone.  It does get better.  Another tip: listen to your gut feelings, which you may have ignored in the throes of a BPD r/s.

LuckyJim

Hi LuckyJim,  Yes, I’ve ignored those gut feelings for a long, long time. Now, whenever I feel as if I’m slipping back I focus on them. 'Cling' is probably a better word right now. I am not going to push them away any more, but this is so hard. I will also cling to the thought that my life can get better. Thank you for your support and I’m glad that things have got better for you, x.

Hi Muradin, I can relate. I always knew I had flaws (who doesn’t), but never knew quite how many until I met my bf. I was surprised that you thought I was being strong, but when I stopped to think it’s true! But, I’m still scared that I could backtrack because of all my losses and insecurities. I’m holding on tight because there has to be a better life out there, for you too. Please don’t believe anything she says. Turn away, think of everything she says as projection. All the nasty comments are about her, nothing to do with you. I know it’s painful, but start focussing on you. Have compassion for yourself. Save you. You are worth it. Hugs, x.

[letmeout]

Down the road you will feel immense gratitude; I feel grateful every morning when I wake up that my abusive BPD ex is not in my life.

Expect to go through all of the stages of grief to some extend, but know that you will come out the other side. Be assured that there is a kinder,  gentler way to live your life.

[Visitor]

There is a snow storm blowing outside. The fire has gone out and there is no more wood to burn. The hut has become cold, not as harsh as the freezing cold blizzard outside but cold none the less. Through the faint distance of haze she sees the warm inviting glow of another man’s fire.

With her new destination in sight she can brave the harsh elements with no risk of becoming lost in the cold dark storm of loneliness. With nothing more to offer, you are coldly discarded and can do nothing more than watch through an open door as their silhouettes embrace.

You slam the door shut, loud enough that she hears but sill she doesn’t turn to look at you. The door is closed but not locked. You have given up and return to your bed to lick your wounds and cry tears made from all the colours of grief. It was cold before but with no comfort of a warm body it has become unbearable.

As you mull in your pit of despair you watch in vein and hope that she will give you a sign, a gesture, a quick glance to confirm you meant something more than the momentary warmth you provided.

And then, through the howling wind and clattering of windows you hear a voice. It’s her, she is calling for you. She is alone. Dazed and confused you seek counsel from your inner soul while your hand rests on the latch of the door. Should it be opened?. You kid yourself that it can, just a crack for now…

[Rmbrworst]

Allowing yourself to truly grieve.  Then focus on letting go.  Then focusing on yourself.

That's how it's been working for me anyway. 

[letmeout]

Eloquently put, Visitor. However, to save yourself you must lock that door and throw away that key. It reminded me of myself when I gave countless second chances to my twisted tormentor.

The story always ended the same though; I was frozen to the train tracks, knowing that the BPD train was coming to run me over, again. It never failed.

It takes courage to leap off those tracks and never look back.

[Visitor]

Eloquently put, Visitor. However, to save yourself you must lock that door and throw away that key. It reminded me of myself when I gave countless second chances to my twisted tormentor.

It takes courage to leap off those tracks and never look back.

Thanks mate.

It does take courage. I think the key in these scenarios is hope, and hope is very hard to throw away.

[Larmoyant]

Visitor, that was extremely moving. Letmeout, the door’s locked, but I still have the key in my hand  :'( I’m in a lot of emotional pain.

It’s been a tumultuous few weeks. I miss him, how he looks, smiles, walks, smells, talks, feels. Since leaving I’ve been subjected to a tirade of accusations, insults, guilting, gaslighting, rewriting of history, heartbreaking pleading and finally threats leaving me shaking and in fear. I got caught up in it sometimes, but mostly haven't jaded.

Yesterday was my third Saturday without him and after the craziness of the last few weeks he’s gone silent. The quiet hurts because it triggers my own fear that it is truly, finally over. I'm confused by my own fear because I want it to be over. This relationship is ruining my life.

I won’t contact him, in fact I hardly ever reach out to him during our numerous break-ups. I want to escape from all the chaos and craziness. I want my life back. I want consistency, stability, security and peace. I don't want rants/rages, and no more push/pull. I'm sick of come here/go away.

He's the one that usually comes back and before I know it I’m knocked off my feet. Time and time again.

The key here is hope because I keep hoping that this time it will work. Hope has been my downfall.

I’m now sitting here grieving him, hoping he’s ok despite all the threats, desperately wanting him to contact me, desperately wanting him not to! So painful and so confusing. My hearts in pieces.