My uBPDbf is 50. Can I not tell him about BPD for his sake?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My uBPDbf just turned 50. The last three years of our five years have been in constant break-up/meltdown mode. This is his longest relationship - he's never lived with anyone since he was 25, never married no kids, long history of overlapping disastrous relationships, all of which he puts down to not having met the right woman, which I too believed for our first few months until the dreadful push/pull began and I realised what the other women must have experienced. He left them all abruptly - sometimes after a year or years of off/on. We too are now in that zone and since six months ago when he began to think I was serious snout trying to disengage and withdraw he has made various attempts to open up old relationships and find a new one- all behind my back while pretending to keep working on us. He's v vindictive and constantly raging or storming off in silent rage for days at the moment. I'm reading all I can about thus disorder and I'm finding it v difficult to not just say to him that this is not all my fault as he maintains, and to try and get him to confront the patterns in his relationships, and consider that he might have PD. Surely at 50 he should be capable of handling this? Any advice?

[northernlight]

My uBPDbf just turned 50. The last three years of our five years have been in constant break-up/meltdown mode. This is his longest relationship - he's never lived with anyone since he was 25, never married no kids, long history of overlapping disastrous relationships, all of which he puts down to not having met the right woman, which I too believed for our first few months until the dreadful push/pull began and I realised what the other women must have experienced. He left them all abruptly - sometimes after a year or years of off/on. We too are now in that zone and since six months ago when he began to think I was serious snout trying to disengage and withdraw he has made various attempts to open up old relationships and find a new one- all behind my back while pretending to keep working on us. He's v vindictive and constantly raging or storming off in silent rage for days at the moment. I'm reading all I can about thus disorder and I'm finding it v difficult to not just say to him that this is not all my fault as he maintains, and to try and get him to confront the patterns in his relationships, and consider that he might have PD. Surely at 50 he should be capable of handling this? Any advice?

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[Lucky Jim]

Hey northernlight, No, I suggest that you leave any discussion of a BPD diagnosis to a professional.  I understand that you're trying to be helpful, but the message is likely to be poorly received, coming from you.  In fact, I would anticipate that it might have the opposite effect than what you might be hoping for.

LuckyJim

[LilMe]

northernlight,

I am sorry you are in this situation.  Sadly, all of us here can all relate  :'(

Some say that BPD mellows with age, but I have not found that to be true with my uBPDh.  He is about to turn 60 and is worse than ever.  There is nothing wrong with him, in his estimation.  Even kindly suggesting he talk to someone about his anger when we are in a peaceful time sets off a rage.  This is his 3rd disaster of a marriage and his grown children want nothing to do with him.  His last two marriages ended by the 5 year mark.  We are near 10, but any healthy person would have ended it long before now.  (Yes, I am out of the fog and working on me!)

It can be a hard pill to swallow, but only we can change ourselves.  We cannot expect a pwBPD to change or even acknowledge that there is a problem.  There are many workshops and articles on this site that will help you cope with the situation.

Keep posting and let us know how things are going.

[Lucky Jim]

Some say that BPD mellows with age, but I have not found that to be true with my uBPDh.  He is about to turn 60 and is worse than ever.

Agree, LilMe.  From my experience, BPD symptoms can get significantly worse as time goes on.  My BPDxW went form one tantrum a month, to twice a month, to once a week, to more frequently.  It became an impossible situation, notwithstanding the tools that I learned here.

Also concur that it is rare for a pwBPD to acknowledge that he/she has a problem.  To the contrary, they will argue strenuously that there is nothing wrong, which is all part of the disorder, in my view.

LuckyJim

[Grey Kitty]

It is incredibly rare for any good result to come of mentioning BPD to a pwBPD. I could tell you a bunch of stories, but that is the short version.

I would suggest that your best bet is to keep the patterns of BPD to yourself, and when you deal with him, address things at the level of specific behavior. Not even behavior patterns--just deal with bad behavior, and let him realize that there is a pattern. (Yes, you already KNOW that it is a pattern... .that is why it is worth addressing... .but nothing is gained by telling him 95%+ of the time)

My stbexwife did hear about BPD, not originally from me, but I made the mistake of agreeing that it sounded about right. She even (through some amazing work and good fortune) managed to let go of most all her BPD behaviors. Despite all this, it still felt tense to me when she talked about "That time you said I was mentally ill." She might have even forgotten the name. I'm never going to remind her of it.  (And all this despite her doing much better, 'tho our marriage didn't survive, which did seem to be related somewhat to more BPD-ish issues, although the abusive behavior is completely gone, at least around me.)

[northernlight]

Thank you all so much for your replies.  I'm still having to read and research everything I can to understand what's happening to me. I went off this site the last week or two, after having just joined, as I began looking at NPD specifically and it fits my partner also to a tee - particularly the intensity of his rages and the physical and verbal violence involved in them and also the trait of smearing me behind my back in the last year after he realised other people were beginning to understand there was something very wrong with our relationship.  I suppose from an amateur diagnosis POV he is NPD co-morbid with BPD - does that make sense ?  It used to be that his violent rages and tantrums were almost exactly two and a half weeks to three weeks apart - now there is barely a gap.  If I even intimate anything about his abuse or behaviour he explodes now - wrecking everything around him and sometimes sustaining verbal tirades against me that can last for hours - I timed the last one as four and a half hours of non-stop repetitive verbal abuse.  I stayed calm throughout and then left ! first time ever in five years! Normally he leaves in a rage and subjects me to the silent treatment for days until I ambush him with begging and pleading.  So the big update is that last night he staged a tantrum over nothing  -I was trying to help him as his business is going badly and I took him out for a drink and dropped some groceries over (we no longer live together as I've kids at home and found his temper and behaviour too stressful)  - he basically threw me out of his apartment telling me all the time that he loved me and just needed me to leave and he wanted me to come over this Saturday night.  I was in the usual state of numbed shock at the lightning quick change in his mood and just got into my car like a robot and drove home.  However for the first time in our five years I did not respond to his terse text when I got home - 'please tell me you took your bike out of the car'  and since then  - 24 hours ago I've heard nothing from him and have resisted texting phoning or running to his house.  A first in five years!  But I feel like I've got vertigo.  I feel swamped with fear that I'll simply never hear from him again!  But I can't imagine now that I've go through today which was unbelievably hard that I would contact him again just to be raged at or hung up on or thrown out of the apartment whilst being told he loves me and maybe at the end of March we can see where we stand... .  Should I stay No Contact?  I'm completely terrified.

[Herodias]

That's very scary northern light. I was in a similar situation and it just got worse. He eventually wouldn't let me leave, held me on the floor with his hand over my mouth and then put a pillow over my face before I could get away. Not sure is it will continue for you, but the domestic violence people told me it will only get worse and it always did. They also told me he could be a psychopath or a sociopath as well. Mine has Narc tendencies as well. Unfortunately we know them better than anyone, but it's so hard to diagnose someone. The therapist are just putting a Custer B category or a anti-social  disorder on them. I strongly feel mine is BPD with tendencies of the others. Try not to focus on what he is, but what his actions are. You are being abused. The telling you to leave makes me think he had someone coming over... .you need to focus on yourself and your kids. Mine told me we could get back together at the end of the years separation... .he was dating in the meantime. He just didn't expect to get someone pregnant.That did it for me.  You need to read more about abuse and figure out what you want to be in this... .You can't fix him or love him enough to be nicer to you. If he is NPD he will not ever change or be able to get help. Just keep reading and learning... .you will know what to do. For me, as much as I wished it would have been different, it is what it is. Mine has not changed with the new person. Its' scary to think of him having a child-his parents must be terrified! Be strong whatever you do... .You can't tell them they are abusive. They know. He may be starting arguments with you on purpose. Mine eventually wanted out... .he did everything to get me to leave. I was so stupid and stayed. Only made him think less of me. He actually told me " I hate you and I can't wait to get rid of you and the house"... .I just kept thinking poor mentally ill guy... .afraid of abandonment... .I was the one afraid. Afraid of allot. You are already out... .at least you are safe not living with him. I did the same robot drive many times. It's awful! Eventually being away will get you out of the FOG you are in... .Take care.

[LilMe]

Sorry you had such a rough day, northernlight.   I  hope you can find a way to relax and get some rest. A long bath, a walk, hang out with a friend, or whatever makes you happy.  Things will not seem so overwhelming when you have calmed down some.  

I'm not sure where you are in your journey, but learning to use boundaries will help your situation, whether you stay or go. Boundaries help you protect yourself. It also helps when you do not react to the crazy. It is hard! But you cannot defend or justify when he is raging. Leaving and not getting sucked back in was a good first step in changing the dynamic in your relationship.

Keep posting and you will get support here!

[Grey Kitty]

  This sounds really tough for you. You experienced a lot of horrible abuse from him. That's not even the new and shocking part for you.

Standing up for yourself in a new way is a whole 'nuther thing, and I'm sure it feels really unsettling. Hang in there... .and please keep posting your story here. This is a community of people who have been through it and understand, and can offer you a lot of help and support.

However for the first time in our five years I did not respond to his terse text when I got home - 'please tell me you took your bike out of the car'  and since then  - 24 hours ago I've heard nothing from him and have resisted texting phoning or running to his house.  A first in five years!  But I feel like I've got vertigo.  I feel swamped with fear that I'll simply never hear from him again!  But I can't imagine now that I've go through today which was unbelievably hard that I would contact him again just to be raged at or hung up on or thrown out of the apartment whilst being told he loves me and maybe at the end of March we can see where we stand... .  Should I stay No Contact?  I'm completely terrified.

What we call "No Contact" generally refers to what you do when you are ready to end the relationship, and you are afraid of getting pulled back in for another round of crazyness. That isn't what you described.

What you are asking about really is what to do about two different things he's thrown at you--abusive raging, and silent treatment.

For the abusive raging, the best thing you can do is get away from it so you stop listening. Preferably as soon as you realize he's going off in that direction. Listening to it for four and a half hours (or even four and a half minutes!) doesn't help him, and it is harmful to you too.

However what you have right now is the silent treatment. Lets start with what not to do. Perhaps you've tried this before... .

Don't beg, plead, apologize, etc. repeatedly in hopes that he will come back.

One thing you can try, especially if this goes on for a long time is occasionally reach out to him in a friendly way, to see if he's ready to come back and engage with you (nicely).

Usually the silent treatment is started as a way to punish and manipulate you. Or simply as being too upset to be able to talk to you. But either way, those feelings will fade... .and perhaps he will be feeling kinda embarrassed about his prior behavior, and afraid of how you will respond... .so a tiny bit of reassurance that you aren't going to attack may give him more space to resume friendly contact.

You can read more in our workshop... .

BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse.