My npd BPD mother gave me responsability for her feelings

[borderdude]

In an exellent post, one sentence just gave me an extreme intuition , and answered something I think is the solution why my life has turned out as lonely.

My mother never took responsability towards her own feelings, i was blamed for her issues, and feelings, she never stated she was wrong. She connected through drama. She seemed jalous towards us children too?

Her feelings and neighbours feelings counted more than mine. Example: i was sent to the store, the bags was heavy so she became angry at me "what will the neighbours say"? Instead comfort her pumpet child.

She could become a raging monster in seconds due to small issues, she could go from monster to peasful in a second.

I think i may looking for a woman not projecting her responsability involving her feelings onto me.

Can anybody relate, have hard to express her behaviour, thanks.

[ijustwantpeace]

My mom does not rage much, but is an emotional dumper.  I would have talks with her as early as  20 years ago about making withdrawals from my emotional bank account.  No words I spoke ever registered with her properly.  If she heard the words she would twist them in her mind.  After years of emotional dumping I began to believe all women were like this, and pretty much gave up on women.

The past few years has I have been redlining in stress and emotion from family problems.  It became difficult for me to regulate my own emotions.  It was as if I was allergic to emotion or crazy and it would not take much to send me into a tail spin.  It was like I was becoming super sensitive from hauling around all my mother's crazy emotions.

I think some call this emotional entanglement?  It had a hard time separating my own emotions from hers or anyone else.  I turned down two housemates due to emotional instability.  I feel bad I could not help these people, but I could not take the chance of being loaded up with more problems.

To answer your question do I feel the same way about being lonely at time.  Sure do.  I don't feel safe knowing my mom is lurking right around the corner and unleash on whoever I am with.  She is skilled at ruining relationships.

The only happiness I have ever had in life is when I have not talked to her for 6 months or more.  It is truly terrible dealing with all the feeling of guilt.  I wish I had a happy well adjusted mother who had a life of her own, but I don't.

[HappyChappy]

She could become a raging monster in seconds due to small issues, she could go from monster to peasful in a second.

Hi Borderdude,

I can totally relate, my BPD loved to rage and when she got what she wanted, the storm came to an abrubt end. She would get board and would kick things off. I have read several times that this is their equilibrium, what they are use to, hence their safe place. Very true of my BPD.

I also looked for a partner that didn’t have these traits. I also note that those that can seemingly turn the tantrums on and off like a tap (faucet), are those using it to manipulate rather than truly feeling these emotions. For me avoiding people like this wasn’t’ enough, I needed to mend from the damage their behaviour gives a young child. Where are you in this cycle of recovery ?

[LostnSpace]

Thank you for posting your message.  I can very much relate!  My mother used to complain her children were around and then when we left home she whined, "What am I supposed to do now?  Tell me?  Now that you all are gone.  And don't tell me to join clubs!"  Like three children 18, 20, and 21 were responsible for creating her happiness. 

She would sometimes be using a typewriter in our kitchen and a couple of times when I walked in she would blurt out, "You just made me make a mistake!"   I hadn't said a thing.  She was a school teacher and would come home saying she had been around children all day and she didn't want to be around them now.  I can't tell you the times she would say she had a "bad day", was "stressed", "down", etc. in bid to get her children to do something.

This is all so unnatural.  It would be a blessing to go back in time and say something like "YOU are supposed to be the mother here" but it isn't going to happen.  She also raged and I had to maintain eye contact when she was going off.  I would love to go back in time and tell her that she was laying the foundation for a poor relationship with me when she got older and that all of her raging (of stupid stupid stuff) would catch up with her because I don't want to spend any time with her now.  Of course if I did, she would have gone BALLISTIC and ended up being even worse.  It was a no win.

It is a terrible burden for an adult to put their moods, emotions, happiness on all the shoulders of their child.  I believe this is true even for an adult child.  Just remember that you were not meant to be carrying her knapsack of problems, as much as she wanted you to.   

[ijustwantpeace]

It is a terrible burden for an adult to put their moods, emotions, happiness on all the shoulders of their child.  I believe this is true even for an adult child.  Just remember that you were not meant to be carrying her knapsack of problems, as much as she wanted you to.   

Sounds like my mom that is her favorite thing in the world to load me and others up with all her troubles.  She makes people feel like her emotional puke bucket.  She puts all the responsibility for her happiness on her two sons me mostly.  Wants me to take her out on dates, but won't get  a boyfriend.

It just causes hurt and resentment.  If she doesn't get her own way she turns into a monster creating massive havoc.  One day my niece and nephew will be grown up and my brothers and I will never talk to her again.

She destroys my brother's marriage, and relationships with his girlfriends so she can insert herself into the situation.  Once there we need to go on family outings with her, and take her to all the places she would wants to go.

If we don't do it she goes nuts, and keeps begging and teasing to go.  She has to control everyone's life.

I wish they would re-open all the mental health facilities that were closed over the last 20 years and throw all these BPD nut jobs in there and let the rest of us live happy peaceful lives.

[Creativum]

In an exellent post, one sentence just gave me an extreme intuition , and answered something I think is the solution why my life has turned out as lonely.

My mother never took responsability towards her own feelings, i was blamed for her issues, and feelings, she never stated she was wrong. She connected through drama. She seemed jalous towards us children too?

Her feelings and neighbours feelings counted more than mine. Example: i was sent to the store, the bags was heavy so she became angry at me "what will the neighbours say"? Instead comfort her pumpet child.

She could become a raging monster in seconds due to small issues, she could go from monster to peasful in a second.

I think i may looking for a woman not projecting her responsability involving her feelings onto me.

Can anybody relate, have hard to express her behaviour, thanks.

Same with my mom.  She would fly off the handle into a rage, get the belt (or spoon or hair brush or switch or you-name-it) and we'd get it.  School shopping was always a disaster -- she'd suggest something I didn't like, I'd say I didn't like it, she'd throw everything on the floor and drag me out of the store.  She'd ignore me the rest of the day.  Basically, any inkling of disagreement -- or simple lack of adulation and/or praise -- was seen as total invalidation, just like her own parents treated their children.  So she'd rage.  She still does it to this day, but now I'm old enough to just walk away, which usually results in her pretending nothing happened and sending me "nice" text messages all day long.

What others think of her has always been more important than her children, as well.  Everyone needed to adore her mothering skills.  Everyone needed to see her as a victim when, for example, she once hit me in the face so hard my bottom teeth went through my bottom lip.  She told the entire family it was self-defense because I hit her.  I was 11 years old and NEVER prone to angry outbursts or getting physical.  She'd spend all of her money on gifts and dinners for friends, but leave me at home, on a hill, alone, in winter, for days at a time with little more than some rice and cereal in the cabinets.  No one knew what a terrible mother and human being she was except my dad's parents, who took great care of me.  Well, I think some people suspected it, and they suspected something was "off" -- so those folks never came around.  My grandmother leveled with me once when I was about 25: "She only had kids because her friends were having them and she wanted to fit in," and she's right. 

As the child of someone with BPD, you are the bearer of their feelings.  The mirror.  When you're sad, they're angry, because they see your moods as an invalidation of them.

[Flintridge]

Yes, I can completely relate. My mom growing up and even now can try and make me feel responsible for her feelings. At least now as an adult I can understand that I'm not responsible for her feelings. Everyone including myself are responsible for their own feelings. I think being raised this way can make you overly sensitive to people being angry with you. People who suffer from BPD find it easier to blame others for their feelings rather than look inside themselves and feel profound emptiness. This of course doesn't justify their behaviour but maybe can help you to understand it a bit more.