she has a new girlfriend already...but I want her back ~

[potato22]

Help me out... .I have been with my gf for 6 years, she was pushing for marriage but I was a bit reluctant because of a couple of red flags.  We were going to buy a house together and the realtor was pushing hard.  I tried to talk to my gf about it but all she could think was that I didn't want to be with her.  You know how it goes with these talks... .she started yelliing "do you want to be with me! do you want to marry me!" over and over... .I said " I am not sure I want to marry anyone ever again".  Not the thing to say.  We got through that although her feelings were very hurt.  Realtor was going to sue us if we didn't buy the house.  We had 12 hours to decide.  She fought me the whole time until we went to sleep, probably because of her hurt feelings.  Meanwhile, on the advise of my mom, her mom and my own mind, I decided to buy it on my own but to leave it open so she could be added later.

She gave the ultimatum "if we stay in this house I am leaving, if you buy the new house w/o me I am leaving.  So... .she told me she was leaving and getting an apartment and then going to see her family (1 hour away).  Next day her mom called and said my gf was besider herself and what do I want my gf to do.  I heard the words "it is over" come out of my mouth.  Twice.  Fast forward to 2 weeks later, we were talking and making plans for councelling and she wanted it to work. Meanwhile she said she was too busy to think about anything or talk about it (post office at christmas).  But, she did get on a dating site.  She was honest, said she felt worthless and wanted to know she is pretty.  She met someone on line, a psychologist.  She was getting"free counceling sessions" as she put it.  Said she was not interested in the woman at all.  She starting talking 4 weeks ago, 2 weeks ago she said she only wants me as a friend and she can never forgive me for "throwing her out of the house".  Bottom line... .the councelor councelled her right into bed and they are now a serious couple and in love.  I am cut off and haven't even talked to my gf about the couple of issues I felt needed work in order to get married.  The councelor was telling my gf how bad I am and telling my gf how fabulous she is.  I am not sure I will be able to ever talk to my gf or reverse the damage the councelor has done.  I am hoping it is a rebound and I get another chance.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

It's hard, to say the least, when you're up against a professional who has abused her (his?) position and manipulated a client like this. Predatory (and who knows if the person is a credentialed councillor?)  

Your story feels familiar to my own in other respects: the equivocation, and me buying the home without my Ex's name on the title. Even if it triggered her, you did well to protect yourself financially by trusting your gut.

Are trying to reach out, or by being "cut off" you mean that she's made it clear not to contact her?

[potato22]

Thanks for the reply. I was leaving contact up to her, she didn't seem receptive to my contact. She wanted space and I gave it to her.  She did call yesterday to tell me she always failed with us and we had issues and it won't work and that she misses me and i am her best friend. She went between crying and then trying to be cold.

. she later called and i missed it, she texted and said she has a lot of emotions. She called again and i missed her call but called her back and she wouldnt answer. I know she loves me and is scared. She wont see me because she says she is vulnerable. I am on a rollercoaster and I feel like I have no control. She decides when we talk and if we will see each other. And now she has told me she us interested in someone but doesnt want to leave me behind. But still wont see me

She always tells me she loves me and is obviously torn between giving in to her love and her fear of abandonment. I am so confused and feel helpless.

And yes, I think the councelor is morally unethical.

[potato22]

And the coucelor is well known in the city. A real person.

[Turkish]

A cynical mind would say that she is purposely manipulating you. People with BPD, however, suffer from often uncintrollable emotions, and often lack a stable sense of themselves (idenity disturbance). Looking for an attachment to soothe, the councilor is likely fillng this role due to her intrinsic lack of self-worth.

That is the other similarity to my r/s that I see: my Ex felt unattractive ("unlovable?", so she ran into the arms of a charming young narcissist who validated her self-worth. Buying a home (and the underlying commitment) was likely a huge trigger, especially given the pressure to step into the adult world, as it were. She is, however, still attached to you. It was an intimate r/s after all. The fear of abandonment, sadly, often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It's hard to see when she will contact you, p22, and I'm sorry that the unknown is so hurtful. If she does contact you, it's best to start with baby steps, non-triggering. Explaining your feelings is likely to trigger her flight instinct. Validation is the key when you see an opening. See the lessons on the Improving Board for more, especially the communication tools in Lesson 3.

[potato22]

She has contacted me several times this week. Conversations were about our past and as I tried to convince her to try again she told me all the bad things I had done. Each conversation also had her crying because she still loves and misses me. I

She texted thursday night that she loves me. Friday she came to get some things and talked. She insists that she loves me and cried a lot.  She admitted seeing someone else and said it was to help her through the pain. She has told me that the person doesnt drink or smoke or believe in god... .all things important to her. She told me i should date and we should see what we have. She said she is not ready to be with me yet but she would like us to get together again. That we should put it in god's hands and if we get together it was meant to be.

I am frustrated and profoundly sad. She blames me for everything. I am willing to take the bulk of the blame. I am having a really hard time with her dating someone, esp a psychologist! I feel she would rather move on than work on a 6 year relationship and I am dumbfounded. I know I called it quits but immediately asked her back

She told me the psychologist is emotional and tells her things she always wanted to hear from me.

I think maybe she just said she would try until she got someone new?

Is she doing this to punish me? Is she keeping me as a backup plan?

Is it possible that she really loves me, is hurt and confused and really would like to try again?

I am trying NC just because I really dont want to hear more on her new person. I want to be with her and marry her. She knows how I feel and I told her I dont want to be friends, I want a romatic relationship and call me then.

What is your take? I know no one is a mindreader. She is not diagnosted but I feel sure she is BPD or similar. I am so sad and confused. I know I cant convince her so trying NC to see if she will come around. Help!

[Turkish]

I lived with my Ex, the mother of our children, for almost 5 months before she could comfortably move out. Several times, after going out with girlfriends as support, she'd recount parts of the conversations she had where she told them her complaints about me. It was as if it wasn't me "in the room." It was shocking, not to mention hurtful. I never knew how to respond, so I just listened, not saying much.

When we were still together, I asked her (in a moment of lucidity) what went through her head after a dysregulation. That time may have been after she left the house for a few hours, me taking care of the baby and toddler. She replied, "I just want everyone else to feel my pain!"

I invalidated her. I won't speculate on what percentage of those interactiins I owned. Personally, I'm not a fan of quantifying relationships by numbers, such as, "we each own 50%." We own what we own. If we have Rescuer traits, we may not have a clear view of even ourselves.

I think that it helps to step back view our partners for who they are, seperate from ourselves. The intensity and depth of the emotions of a pwBPD (person with BPD) can be hard to understand. This might help:

BPD Behaviors: How it feels to have BPD

Whatvmanybof us struggle with is that while utilizing communication tools such as validation can help in not making things worse, people are who they are. We can be loving, but we can't fix the emptiness inside of them.