My BPD wife wants a divorce

[Pippin83]

My (same sex) wife of 8 years (together for 10) wants a divorce after our youngest goes to college is fall. Ms he has done considerable work on herself and is much better, but the impact of raising two high-needs kids as well as her BPD and my low-level depression have led us to grow apart.  She also fell in love with another woman, and while they remained platonic, much of her emotional energy went towards this woman for many months.  My daughters and I all pointed it out, but she denied it and continued the behavior until very recently.  I believe that once the girls are gone, and now that she has shifted in regards to the other woman, that we should try to work things out.  We still love each other, and enjoy each other's company.  Am I in denial?  Is she running from the intimacy that we will have once we are empty-nesters?  I am so hurt and confused!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Having kids leave the nest is certainly a significant event, especially if the kids are independent. This could be a huge trigger for her. A pw(BPD) often has trouble with boundaries, nit being able to see kids as independent enities apart from themselves. My mother had a severe breakdown the year I moved out (I was the adopted single child of a single mother).

Have you talked about it at all, the kids and her feelings?

[Pippin83]

I have tried to talk to her but she just keeps saying that things aren't working.  We are in couples counseling, and the therapist also pointed out that as I get better at hearing her needs and validating her feelings, she pulls away.

Tonight she told me that it is definitely over.  She is not willing to try to reconcile any more.  We had committed to staying in the house together until our daughter goes off to college, so we will have to figure out how to do-exist.  The silver lining is that she is no longer pointing the finger at me, and just said things aren't going in the direction she wants.  Untangling our lives is going to be so painful.  I hope we can do it with a minimum of fights and bitterness, especially for our daughters' sakes.

Thank you for responding.  It is so nice not to feel so isolated!

[Turkish]

Your r/s is about 4 years longer than mine. I had to live with her for about 4 months, 2 longer than when she promised she would move out no matter if she had found a place or not. Tough stuff, all having to raise kids together. The Staying tools on the Improving Board helped reduce conflct.

That being said, if you're still together, there may be a sliver of hope.  Have you seen the communication tools, things like leading to validate a person with BPD? A core feature of the disorder is an underlying sense of shame. It sounds to me like she may be pulling away due to she having decided in her mind that she is unlovable. It doesn't make sense to us, but their feelings are real. You seem to have some experience with validation. Have you flat-out asked her, "do you feel that it's not possible to be loved?" Maybe shorter, "do you feel that you are unlovable?"  Don't make it about you like, "do you feel that I don't love you?" Put the ball in her court.