One of those days... Singing the dysregulation blues.

[globalnomad]

Ugh, it has been one of those days for me. Things have been great for a week, but that all ground to a halt this morning with a major dysregulation.

One of my best friends is about to move to another country -- and his farewell party was supposed to be on Saturday. I let my BPD partner know about this weeks ago and have reminded her a couple of times just to soothe her anxiety (she hates me going out and spending time with friends). I was careful to validate, telling her I know it makes her anxious when I go out, but this is a close friend of mine and is important for me to be there. I also made sure her mother was going to be around that night to help with our two month old baby. So I am not leaving her alone. She has plenty of help.

This morning I heard from my friend that the farwell party has been switched to tonight because of the huge snowstorm coming on the weekend. Also, it is starting a little later. It's a dinner/drinks event and doesn't start until 8pm. When the original invitation came up weeks ago my partner told me she was fine with me attending as long as I got home by 10pm (otherwise I would be waking her up). I said I'd do my best. Given the new starting time and the fact that it will take me 40 mins to get home from the event, that is probably not going to be possible for me tonight.

I explained this all this morning, again careful to validate that I know this is stressful for her. Since then I have been bombarded with text messages along the lines of:

- You made a promise to be home at 10pm (not true) and you're breaking it. You always break your promises.

- I can never trust you

- You don't care what I think and always just do whatever you want

- I'm the one making all the sacrifices in this relationship

And so on and so on. It is exhausting. Stupidly, I broke my rule of not responding to dysregulated text messages during my workday and got caught up in an endless circular BPD argument.

Anyway, here is the key issue. Me spending time with friends is a major trigger. We have made some progress in that she no longer dysregulates when I bring up future plans and give her plenty of notice. The issue is that she now (unknowingly?) tries to sabotage them at the last minute by suddenly imposing curfews (anybody else treated like a teenager?), accusing me of hiding important details like the restaurant was French and not Italian, or refusing to be flexible because something was rescheduled due to a snowstorm. There is always something.

The end result is that even if I end up spending any time away from her I am full of anxiety about the inevitable conflict that will result when I get home. Anyway, I guess this is just a rant more than anything. I am feeling pretty blue today.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Dragon72]

I feel your pain.

People with BPD can make you feel so bad about yourself even when you've done absolutely nothing wrong or unreasonable.

It's toxic.

It's exhausting.

It's soul-destroying.

Hang in there. Just keep telling yourself you've acted totally appropriately and in good faith.  You're not the one with the problem.

[Moselle]

Hang in there, Globalnomad.

I hope getting it off your chest has helped you deal with the emotions of it.

It sounds like you are making some progress. Well done for sticking to your guns. It sounds like she has made a rule here about 10pm curfews. Are you comfortable with it? It sounds like nothing at all to do with being woken up, but everything to do with controlling you.

Were there any other signs of the dysregulation coming, so that it would have been anything (the way you breathe for example). I learned that we had a 2 week cycle in my relationship, and inevitably there was something I did around the two week mark to set one off. I learned there was nothing I could do to stop it, so I was not responsible for it. It made it easier for me not to take it personally.

[globalnomad]

Thankyou Dragon72 and Moselle. Indeed, I need to remind myself that I am not the one with the problem, and posting on here helps me gain perspective and process the emotions a bit.

Moselle -- I am not comfortable with the 10pm curfew. First, this is a really rare occasion that I am out late anyway (I've compromised a lot already on spending time with friends). Second, it's an important friend who is leaving the country and I would be compromising my values by not attending. Third, as you note the curfew has everything to do with controlling me. (She is often awake reading well past 10pm anyway). The curfew thing has become a point of contention. In her mind, if I ever want to spend any time away from her, she is making a major concession by allowing me to go, therefore it is only fair that she gets to control how long I stay. Any attempt to push back on this is viewed as selfish and unreasonable.

My view is that in a healthy relationship, both partners need some time away once in a while. I have offered several times to mind the baby if she wants a girls' night out or to catch up with a friend. She has never taken me up on this.

As for signs of the dysregulation, not really. Like you I think there is a roughly 1-2 week cycle in our relationship. It could have been me breathing the wrong way, but the combination of an unexpected last minute change in plans and me spending time with friends made it a near certainty.

[Moselle]

Are you sure you don't have a problem? It sounds to me like you might 

You are not comfortable with a 10 pm curfew, and you have identified that in a healthy relationship people do have time away. It sounds like you value time away and have compromised on it. = problem for you. No?

[globalnomad]

Are you sure you don't have a problem? It sounds to me like you might 

You are not comfortable with a 10 pm curfew, and you have identified that in a healthy relationship people do have time away. It sounds like you value time away and have compromised on it. = problem for you. No?

Moselle, you have correctly identified that I, globalnomad, officially have a problem 

The problem with this problem is that I have no idea how to solve it.

I believe that occasional time away from a relationship (by both partners) can actually enhance it. Her view is that life is a zero sum game, so any time spent away from her must automatically detract from the relationship. There seems to be no easy  way to bridge these different views.

Yes, I have a problem... .

[leggomyeggshell]

My pwBPD is very controlling as well.  Maybe our "problem" is assuming that if we do exactly as they say, they will not dysregulate.  However, it would not be hard to imagine that, in your situation, if I went out and arrived home exactly at 10 pm, that she would not dysregulate over some other, unrelated matter (such as who else was at the party).  Hopefully I am not giving bad advice but maybe the problem is allowing them to control us through their emotional outbursts.

Also, I've done stuff like this against her wishes and then been locked out of the house when I return home, something along those lines.

[Moselle]

These are BPD rules. Somewhere in my readings probably in "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad, she mentions the BPD rules and how to challenge them, to get what you need. By keeping the BPD rules we enable the behaviour which isn't doing her or you any favours BTW.

I'll have a look and see if I can find it. But this book is a must read for anyone in a BPD relationship

[globalnomad]

My pwBPD is very controlling as well.  Maybe our "problem" is assuming that if we do exactly as they say, they will not dysregulate.  However, it would not be hard to imagine that, in your situation, if I went out and arrived home exactly at 10 pm, that she would not dysregulate over some other, unrelated matter (such as who else was at the party).  Hopefully I am not giving bad advice but maybe the problem is allowing them to control us through their emotional outbursts.

Also, I've done stuff like this against her wishes and then been locked out of the house when I return home, something along those lines.

leggomyeggshell, I think you hit the nail on the head here. This is why I have decided to put a stake in the ground about the curfew this time. I have agreed to such demands in the past, only to have her dysregulate anyway when I got home (just like you say, I didn't tell her person x was going to be there, or I drank more than she thought I should, or whatever). So no, I do not think you are giving bad advice

[leggomyeggshell]

It may be good advice but I am always very worried about the repercussions of "defying" her, so I cannot guarantee your life will not be a living hell as a result of you not acceding to her demand for 10pm curfew.

[Moselle]

This may be a chance to change the game a little bit. You've taken a stand.

Perhaps let it settle a bit and in a day or two tell her how much you love spending time with her "and" (not 'but' you enjoyed it so much the other night as well, and you've decided you are taking the 2nd and 4th Thursday of the month to be with your friends.

She will throw something called an "extinction burst", which means she will resist. Stand your ground on it, and then do it. She'll eventually settle into the new reality.

[globalnomad]

It may be good advice but I am always very worried about the repercussions of "defying" her, so I cannot guarantee your life will not be a living hell as a result of you not acceding to her demand for 10pm curfew.

I promise not to sue you if I get home at 10:01pm and the bedroom door is locked

Moselle, thanks for the book recommendation. That one has been on my reading list for a while now and sounds like I should get a move on and read it.

[leggomyeggshell]

If you arrive home at 10:01 she has still controlled you unless you wanted to come home at that time.

[globalnomad]

If you arrive home at 10:01 she has still controlled you unless you wanted to come home at that time.

Indeed, I will come home when the event is over. Like I said, her mother is staying so she has help if she needs it.

[Chilibean13]

Anyway, here is the key issue. Me spending time with friends is a major trigger. We have made some progress in that she no longer dysregulates when I bring up future plans and give her plenty of notice. The issue is that she now (unknowingly?) tries to sabotage them at the last minute by suddenly imposing curfews (anybody else treated like a teenager?), accusing me of hiding important details like the restaurant was French and not Italian, or refusing to be flexible because something was rescheduled due to a snowstorm. There is always something.

The end result is that even if I end up spending any time away from her I am full of anxiety about the inevitable conflict that will result when I get home. Anyway, I guess this is just a rant more than anything. I am feeling pretty blue today.

Yes. I deal with this issue too. And I'm always torn. I often feel like, "Yay! I get to go and it wasn't a fight!" that I'm ok with a curfew. But then I feel like I am missing out because everyone else gets to stay late. It's like, Do I reward the good behavior and compromise in order to go? Or do I continue to fight for the later leaving time and risk not being able to go at all?

[globalnomad]

As it turns out, I was pretty tired on Friday night, and I ended up getting home not that long after the so called "curfew." I tiptoed in and slipped into bed as softly as a feather, and bang -- a major dysregulation about supposedly making a lot of noise and waking her up. This was about as inevitable as the sun rising in the morning, but I'm glad I at least took a stand this time.