Triangulation

[lost_in_translation]

I am in the final stages of my relationship.  She moves out on Feb. 1st.  I am holding my ground this time because I want more.  I deserve more... .

Anyway, I have been doing a lot of thinking and analyzing and I am just realizing that I was involved in one triangle after another over the last 4 years.  Or at least that's what I think.  I'd like to learn more about triangulation.  So, I am curious as to what others know or have experienced...  

Thanks in advance for your thoughts and insight!

[Herodias]

I think I was as well... , my therapist told me about the drama triangle. You have to want to get out. It's not only all the women that my husband was with, but anyone else that could create conflict or side with them. Could be friends or family. I suppose having a child creates it too. I think he is trying to use me as a triangle with the current gf. I realize he would tell me women were after him to get me to act a certain way or get me upset. Probably for me to treat him the way he wanted! I think he is doing that with her now as well. I just can't give up looking at Facebook, because I see the train wreck happening there as well. She seems to get all worked up over things that I just know he is lying to her about! Could be even telling her I am trying to win him back! Who knows... .It's all to create drama and takes pressure off of them. I didn't understand why my therapist was telling me about this years ago, but now I get it. He saw what was happening here. One time my husband was in the hospital, he was the counselor on call. I will never forget how afraid of us he was in the room... He walked in a circle around the outside of the room/ pacing. I was embarrassed.

[fromheeltoheal]

Here LIT, check this out: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

[Turkish]

Can you give an example or two of what you now view as triangles?

[lost_in_translation]

My apologies for such a late response, Turkish.  It's been a tumultuous couple of weeks. 

Examples... .

She has this guy "friend" that is completely in love with her that I have never met because he refuses to meet me.  She used to lie to me about him in the early stages of our relationship.  For example, she would be out to dinner with him, but would tell me she was out with her brother.  Her excuse was that if she told the truth, I would be upset.  (Can you see the lack of logic in that?)  She uses her work phone to talk to this guy, so I can't see how much they actually speak because we are on the same plan and I have access to her phone records.  So, naturally I am uncomfortable with this person being in her life.  I feel she uses him, leads him on and is participating in an emotional affair with him.  He is very possessive of her to the point where if she was truly clear about them never being more than just friends he wouldn't behave this way.

The second person is her sister whom she also goes from devaluing to idolizing, me being the other.  When her sister is painted white she takes off to her house for days at a time to be with her and her family.  She will cook, clean and care for her sisters children yet, she has never done anything around our house.  I do 99% of all the cooking, laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping etc. Even asking her to stop on the way home from work to pick up milk can turn into an argument.  Yet, if her sister, who lives 30 miles away, calls and asks for anything she will drop whatever she is doing and immediately drive to her house.

The third person is this really immature friend of hers who is just a bad influence on my BPD-ex.  She will go out with this person and get totally wasted and drive home and start a fight with me.

My BPD-so would always value one of these three people while pushing me to the side.  And, it's a revolving sometimes she's all about her sister, sometimes it's the immature friend, sometimes it the guy friend.  One of these people is always the center of her attention while I get treated like I don't matter.

[Targeted]

Haven't been here in a while but check in now and then.  Went through this for 4 years. You need to put  everything aside including your feelings!  Base everything on the facts!  My guess is you have not had many relationships?  She probably has!  Lots of other people have as well  and they will figure her out probably quicker than you have.  Her triangles are short lived!   Through my experiences you're only decision is  whether or not to be the guy that keeps coming back  after she test drives guy after guy.   Going under the assumption you are here  because you are a supportive  caring individual  Who wants to make things right?   You are trying to do that with somebody who does not!   I hope it does not take you as long as it did for me to realise  that her reality  is on a different planet then yours

[lost_in_translation]

Targeted, I have been in a few serious relationships.  Half of which were dysfunctional, what does that say about me?  But, you're are absolutely dead on when you speak of tossing my feelings aside.  I have been doing that more and more as of late and I am starting to see clearly.  And, I am certain this needs to end for good.  I do see glimpses of a really great person and I guess I always held out for that sliver of hope that the good person would prevail.  

[Targeted]

Me too! Same hope! Same disappointment!

[Targeted]

Don't settle for being someone's safety net when they need it!  Be someone's something when they deserve it!