Going No Contact With NPD/BPD Mother

[Courage2016]

Dear members,

I just found out about this website today and I wish I did a year ago or maybe even earlier.

I have gone no contact with my npd/BPD mother and enabling father about 5 and a half months ago. It was a decision I made more than a year ago and secretly kept to myself while sorting the plans out to make this big move. I still lived with them and my sister but had to move out (for the 2nd time) because of university. I can tell you, best decision ever. I believe there is no other way than going no contact if you have been in a toxic relationship for more than 20 years. Well even one day would be too long. I felt like I was walking on egg shells when she was around. She intimidated me, mentally abused me and is one big negative energy, ready to explode any time she does not get attention or when things do not go her way. I was so affraid of her. And i received no support from my enabling father. So i made the decision to break contact with him and the rest of the family, since my mother would set everyone against me. My sister who is nearly 30 still lives with them. I can't believe it myself and even though she says she has the exact same feelings about my mother, I feel like she betrayed me. So here I am... All alone in this situation, taking anti depressants and being in therapy. I still have a long road ahead of me, just like many of you do, but I know for sure that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Everyday you will get closer to the other side. But getting there takes a lot of big steps. I found out myself. I am trying to be positive everyday and see the good things in life and try to read in on these sicknesses. I found that people have a hard time understanding my situation so I sort of gave up on trying to explain. I have a professional who helps me. Please do not give up. Love, K.

[Turkish]

Hello Courage2016,

I like your username 

What led up to you going NC with your parents? I can imagine how it must feel like betrayal by your sister, yet she sounds like she doesn't have as much courage to detach, or have better boundaries. Is she younger or older than you?

It's good that you have the stregnth to seek professional support. 

What do you mean when you say you've found out yourself?

Turkish

[Courage2016]

Dear Turkish,

I moved out of my parents house when I was 17 and lived on my own for 2 years. Then traveled around abroad and came back for 2 years to live with them. In my teenage years I already noticed something was wrong and I remember at one point I googled bipolar disorder. My M had many rages and had a very unstable emotional mindset. I knew something was not right, especially when I went to visit my friends house and saw how her mother reacted around my friend. Such a big contrast. I actually saw love and care. Something I never experienced. I was always forced to give my M a goodnight kiss when I was younger. Like she demanded love from me but never gave anything back.

With her manipulative behaviour it was very hard to make a distinction between what is right and what is wrong when it comes to healthy parental relationships. There were times my mother screamed she would commit suicide and took a walk outside... This happened quite often. She would also be negative about everyone around her and would say my sister is not her daughter when she did something that didn't suit her. Horrible mental abusive behavior.

I remember she had some sort of professional help in the past when I was a toddler. All in all, and there are many stories and examples I do not have the time to post here, it really made me think about our relationship. And last year I googled more about certain characteristics after another abusive and manipulative situation. It was then that I discovered about personality disorders. In particular, NPD. I could finally give it a name. Last week I started with my therapy sessions and my psychologist said she has possible BPD and NPD.

About my sister, she is older than me and sort of feels dependent on me. However, I am having trouble to see her and stay in regular contact at the moment, since I feel like we are not on the same level at all right now. She has to go through the first phase first, which is accepting that M is not the mother you should expect. So would it be better for me to keep some sort of distance until she figures out her own situation and moves out of my parents house first? She is heading towards 30... I could use some advice on how to deal with my sister in this situation... I am thinking about seeing her every 2-3 months.

Thank you so much for reading this post Turkish and responding... It means the world to me to be able to share something people understand and listen to.

Love, k.

[littlebirdcline]

I can totally relate.  I went NC with my mother last year, and my father and brother have stopped speaking to me because of it.  My brother is the one who first mentioned BPD, and is fully aware of what is wrong with her, but I think he must believe she can't help it, so we should just let her be.  He swore he wasn't going to let me going NC affect our relationship, but clearly, he lied.  He didn't even have the decency to tell me why.  He just dropped off the face of the earth.  It is so painful to stand up for yourself, isn't it?  Therapy is a great thing.  I spent a year trying to figure out how to maintain a relationship with her, with a therapist who really encouraged me not to give up on her.  She felt it would be too painful for me.  When she finally said I had done everything I could and it was time to go NC, I felt so much relief.  I wish you luck in what is an ongoing process.  My mother has tried several times to engage and get something started, and I refuse to be pulled in.  I hope your sister can come to understand and get out of that situation.

[Courage2016]

I can totally relate.  I went NC with my mother last year, and my father and brother have stopped speaking to me because of it.  My brother is the one who first mentioned BPD, and is fully aware of what is wrong with her, but I think he must believe she can't help it, so we should just let her be.  He swore he wasn't going to let me going NC affect our relationship, but clearly, he lied.  He didn't even have the decency to tell me why.  He just dropped off the face of the earth.  It is so painful to stand up for yourself, isn't it?  Therapy is a great thing.  I spent a year trying to figure out how to maintain a relationship with her, with a therapist who really encouraged me not to give up on her.  She felt it would be too painful for me.  When she finally said I had done everything I could and it was time to go NC, I felt so much relief.  I wish you luck in what is an ongoing process.  My mother has tried several times to engage and get something started, and I refuse to be pulled in.  I hope your sister can come to understand and get out of that situation.

Dear littlebirdcline (a free bird now I hope),

Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry to hear that we can relate to each other in the likewise situation. I truly believe there is no way to deal with a BPD or NPD mother... It is not up to you to adapt to a mentally sick person. Remove yourself and live your life free. You and I have made the right decisions. Is staying NC hard for you? Is she trying to contact you?

I am so affaid that she might show up or try to get my address eventhough I kept everything very secret. I also changed my phonenumber and blocked fb and emails. In the last 6 months I have not heard anything luckily (knock off on wood)  but my sister told me that she said before xmas that I would always be welcome and after Xmas I wasn't any longer. That gave me some sense of relieve, like she would leave me alone. Do you think that fear will dissapear completely? I am taking anti depressants at the moment to let that fear dissapear a.o.

The issue you are having with your brother is hard... It seems like he understands something is wrong with your M and that you have an enabling F (?) but is too affraid to let them go and maybe has gotten used to the situation funny enough. How old is he? Is he a very dependent person and lacks responsbility? My sister is... I feel like she wants to depend on me and is waiting for someone to litterally move her stuff, but that is something you should do yourself. Eventhough I broke up with my parents and it's a real relieve yessssss, but when I am around my sister or talk to her, she (un)conciously gives me messages through sent by M or F and I can't cope with that. It is not helping me with my process. Do you think I make the right decision by letting my sister a go? As in... Not seeing her for few months? I live a few hours away from them, so it's not like I see her now very often.

Love, K.