Curious: How long was your relationship (including recycles)

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Just wanted to get a gauge on this, how long did your relationship last all up, including recycles (if there was short time between the recycles, count that time too)

Also how quickly did the idealization phase stop?

[Infern0]

Just wanted to get a gauge on this, how long did your relationship last all up, including recycles (if there was short time between the recycles, count that time too)

Also how quickly did the idealization phase stop?

[Turkish]

About 6 years. The one recycle was only a few days. I love my kids to pieces, but it was before them, and I should have left then. Recycles are our choice. I had my "out" as a friend said, and chose to engage in the FOG and return.

There was no real phase of idealization. It was dysregulation and splitting back and forth from the get go. I've been split white from the seperation for a while, but I don't feed into it, I'm just thankful and do my best not to trigger the opposite now.

[Infern0]

About 6 years. The one recycle was only a few days. I love my kids to pieces, but it was before them, and I should have left then. Recycles are our choice. I had my "out" as a friend said, and chose to engage in the FOG and return.

There was no real phase of idealization. It was dysregulation and splitting back and forth from the get go. I've been split white from the seperation for a while, but I don't feed into it, I'm just thankful and do my best not to trigger the opposite now.

Absoloutley, we decide to go back or not, just wanted to see the sort of timescales involved.

thanks

[steelwork]

All told, about three years.

He was still idealizing me up until almost the end--sort of. He was trying to get over me for the last year--he said so. But I think that actually prolonged the idealization somehow. Still, he said he didn't want to keep loving me. Once I accidentally found something he'd written about me that was really chilling and cynical. He apologized and said it wasn't how he felt--it was just a way of getting over me. Weirded me out at the time, but now I see it as an exploratory split. Almost like he was aware of splitting as a technique.

But short answer: idealized almost till the end.

[13YearGoodbye]

13 years for me... .

Some of the time I made up excuses to travel for work, or to take care of family, etc.

The first break up I didn't even get out of the driveway before she was bribing/coercing me to come back.

[FannyB]

15 months in total with one recycle after a one month gap.

First time 'round, idealization lasted for around 7 months with just a few blips that I now identify as significant warning signs. 

Interestingly, the second cycle lasted the 3 months that I predicted based on what I'd read about BPD. It was a much more stable period - lacking the intense idealization of the previous cycle, but similarly lacking the passages of baffling silent treatment that signalled the end first time around.

I'm guessing that she was trying to make the relationship work by not expecting me to be so perfect and thereby delaying triggering the devaluation phase.

No matter, the BPD gets you in the end - irrespective of what you/they do. 


Fanny

[UVA2002]

1. Year

2. Year

3. 6 months... .I'm learning.

[Fr4nz]

Mine lasted about 18 months; no recycles, but a lot of drama/fighting (nothing too extreme, luckily) and a lot of beautiful highs and bad lows. A rollercoaster.

The idealization phase - which was not a "pure" idealization phase in my case, since we were fighting from the very beginning, except when she had a road accident and had to recover during the first 2 months of our relationship (hence she was very dependent on me) - lasted about 4 months.

In no contact since the end of February 2015.

[MakingMyWay]

3 years total, a few near breakups but never a "proper" one. I can't really pinpoint the idealisation phase, but we started having issues about 18 months in. At that point she pretty directly told me she hated me, which is when I should have gotten out.

[fred6]

37 months and no recycles. Not sure how long idealization lasted, but her first outburst/dysregulation happened about 2 months in... .

[JSF13]

May 2014- October 2015 and about 10-12 recycles. She on and off continues to try to recycle now but every time I don't budge on my boundaries she dysregulates and stops talking to me. Been 10 days NC.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

11 months, 4 recycles.  First two brake ups caused by me.  All recycles were crafted from me except one she initiated.  No idealization faze.

[Learning Fast]

Total of 20 months.  She first disappeared after 11 months in Sept of '14.  There was no noticeable change in idealization until she left without a trace at that time within 48 hours of us having been intimate.  It was surreal in that she went from "I live for you" to "I'm moving on" within 5 hrs.

We reconnected just over 2 mos after she left.  Like FannyB mentioned the next on/off cycle lasted about 7 mos and although passionate it was not as intense as the initial idealization phase.  More inconsistent than prior with several recycles until we parted in June of '15.

LF

[kc sunshine]

A little over two years-- end of October 2013 to beginning of December 2015.

October 2013-July 2014: 9 months

10 month break with some short-lived recycles

May 2015- mid-October 2015: 5 months

October 2015- beginning of December 2015: broken up but still very together (6 weeks?)

Beginning of December: replaced.

How about you Inferno? I feel like we've been on the similar time lines.

[ajr5679]

the first time 3 month

nc  for 6 month

together for eight months

nc 18 months

together for 16 months

nc 6 months

together 7 months

god I hope this is the last nc now.

[Infern0]

A little over two years-- end of October 2013 to beginning of December 2015.

October 2013-July 2014: 9 months

10 month break with some short-lived recycles

May 2015- mid-October 2015: 5 months

October 2015- beginning of December 2015: broken up but still very together (6 weeks?)

Beginning of December: replaced.

How about you Inferno? I feel like we've been on the similar time lines.

January 2014- july 2014: 7 months (replaced for a short time)

September 2014- december 2014: 4 months

January 2015- march 2015: 3 months ( i guess you could count these two together as it was only a 3 weeks apart)

June 2015- october 2015: 5 months

First one was the longest as i was very flexible on my boundries, did whatever i could to accomidate, never questioned her, trusted her and had no expectations

all the recycles go fine until i hold firm on a boundry, express expectations, or question her on something that doesn't add up. Then it becomes "you don't trust me" and all fall apart.

Last one lasted longer as i kept it fairly casual for the first few months, then as it got serious problems started to come up

[MapleBob]

First one: friends for two years, then a couple for around six years, then two more years of in-and-out behavior on her part. I'm not sure we had an idealization phase.

Most recent one: 14 months of definitely being together (including three breakup "attempts" on her part that she immediately went back on), then 10 more months of limbo/"being friends".

She was "kind" enough to straight-up tell me that the idealization period was about 3-4 months.  

[burritoman]

About 3 years together. The idealization phase was super intense and lasted for 6 months. First breakup a year and 3 months in. Lasted for about a month & a half but we were in regular contact. She ended up coming up here again and acted like the breakup never happened. Second breakup was another year & a couple of months later (last August). Lasted for about a month, but we were still "together" and she was fighting very hard to make it official again. Took her back, then she broke up out of the blue a couple of months later. Was lining up a replacement at the end, didn't even see it coming. In NC for about 3 months now and not a word out of her, although I'm afraid a recycle attempt is around the corner.

[circularref]

8 months in total. 3 day break after 5 month, then 1.5 month break after 6 months, then 2 weeks together. I got replaced two weeks after that. 

I'm not really sure when the idealization phased stopped and the devaluation one started, as it was pretty progressive. But I'd say 2-3 months.

[Pretty Woman]

Three years. First crazy-making episode came 3mo in. It felt like every three months she would dump me. We made it three years. The last year she didn't dump me and it was actually a GOOD year. I think it was GOOD for me but not her. I think she was brewing inside.

I was replaced three times in the 3yrs. Once for an ex she's bounced back to several times over a ten year span, another was a person I thought was my "friend". This last time was the final discard and I haven't seen her for eight months. She had a replacement at time of discard.

[UserName69]

5 months, I stopped counting the breakups 'n recycles after the 10th time. We broke up every week. I have been in NC for 9 months.

[samynet]

11 months - Nov 2014 - Oct 2015! the first 6 months were really intense and idealized (somehow I idealized her as well). The devaluation, sick jealousy over my sister, and all the crazy making episodes started after 7 months when my grandma passed away and I was closer from my sister   ... .

[kc sunshine]

How did your last one end Infern0? Mine ended with a replacement (right in front of me!) and a discard-- even more intense than the painting black of the time before. Brutal.

January 2014- july 2014: 7 months (replaced for a short time)

September 2014- december 2014: 4 months

January 2015- march 2015: 3 months ( i guess you could count these two together as it was only a 3 weeks apart)

June 2015- october 2015: 5 months

First one was the longest as i was very flexible on my boundries, did whatever i could to accomidate, never questioned her, trusted her and had no expectations

all the recycles go fine until i hold firm on a boundry, express expectations, or question her on something that doesn't add up. Then it becomes "you don't trust me" and all fall apart.

Last one lasted longer as i kept it fairly casual for the first few months, then as it got serious problems started to come up[/quote]