I could tell the dysregulation was coming last night

[KateCat]

This sounds a bit like the ex-wife of a friend of mine. She can always--make that always--get a job teaching younger children. She "presents" as a nice upper-middle-class lady, with qualifications well beyond the required. Conflicts with other teachers and, then, inevitably, administrators always--make that always--result in the job ending. Like clockwork, for about forty years now.

Here's to hoping your wife will have a different experience.

[formflier]

My wife's upbringing was blue collar and was poor for a while.  Her father worked hard but there were some long times of layoffs.  She enjoyed those because mom went to work and dad stayed home.

I wonder if that is playing in her mind now.

She liked being home with dad, not with mom.

Anyway, first in family to finish college and if you met her you would think upper middle class.  You would probably figured out pretty quick that she was "new to money".  I don't want to suggest she totally wastes it, I really don't, because she can stretch a clothes budget like nobodies business.

But when emotions get in the way, lots of decisions get made that are not financially wise.

I don't consider myself wealthy, I and my family have a lot of assets.  Many of which have been carefully cultivated over many years and are not very liquid. 

FF

[KateCat]

Interesting additional similarities to the ex spouses I know. (Probably not significant or predictive or anything.)

Wife's father was a housepainter. Wife and her sister were first to go to university. Husband's family well-established "Northern Southern" (Tennessee) with property holdings and a family name locally known. Assets not so liquid, and proved difficult to evaluate and untangle during dissolution. But no one is going to starve. And that's a really good thing, in my book.

[Grey Kitty]

FF, you gave a long list of what she was complaining about, and much about how her mom feeds her this crap.

The place I wanted you to look was that inside each one of those crazy dysfunctional trees she goes barking up... .

... .there is a real legitimate fear or hurt she is feeling.

And looking for ways to validate THAT is what I'd like to see you doing. Think about them ahead... .so when she brings up something (perhaps the first complaint/comment about a topic like a fellow teacher), you are ready to validate how she feels.

This is the stuff you do to take the pressure cooker in her head and heart off the stove. It is the long game, and it can work a lot better than trying to cool things off when they are already hot, and steam is shooting out at you!

[formflier]

Feeling a bit icky today. 

Yesterday was a scratch.  Had plans to work on some needed paperwork and computer work things when I got a call from local police that where I had some vehicles parked was going to tow and impound them.

Long story, but my wife's family has said they have parked and sold vehicles in this parking lot "all the time".  So, that's where I put them with some for sale signs.  With everything else going on, didn't do much other checking.

Well, whatever.

No vehicles got towed, but dealing with it shot my day all to heck.  And this has added one more thing to the list of things that "didn't work out" from this family. 

This caused me and older kids to cancel plans to meet wife after her job for a after school event.  (We were moving things)

Well, when she gets home she starts minimizing my bad day, trying to explain to me it was no big deal, then launched into the horrors that were going on at her work.  We avoided each other rest of evening.  This morning she left early, was kinda weird, said she didn't want to be late for work, so left 25 minutes earlier than normal.

I didn't engage.

Anyway, tomorrow is L consult, day after is first full T visit.

I was able to get the needed stuff done this morning and I'm about to go spend time with my Dad.  Hoping that will lift my spirits.

FF

[Fian]

I see this with my wife (she probably doesn't have BPD, but there does seem to be some similarities).  She wants people to empathize for her problems, but she totally lacks the ability to show sympathy to others (unless they are animals).  The way that it was explained to me is that a person in pain (BPD are always in pain) finds it difficult to notice the pain of others.

[formflier]

Yep my wife loves animals.

Sucks to hear her dress me down with contempt and then poof she turns into a nice person that will be kind to an animal. 

The frustration I am processing is that she had made progress.  Would actually ask how I felt from time to time and then genuinely seem to listen.

Sigh.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I'm always surprised when my husband asks how I'm feeling and actually listens. I typically ask about him multiple times a day. Maybe I'll quit doing that.