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Author Topic: Deep grief since dear friend/love of my life took his life January 12th, 2015  (Read 406 times)
Ldybeth
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: January 26, 2016, 09:19:35 PM »

Hi everyone,

**trigger warning

I lost the love of my life just over one year ago. I found him after he had hung himself. I found out after his death that he had been diagnosed with BPD many years ago, but he never shared this with me. He was (re) diagnosed with BPD the month before his suicide.

We were friends for a year before we started dating. He had never been in an emotionally intimatr romantic relationship prior to ours, and he hadn't dated for over 20 years. He was one of the best friends thst I've ever had, and we both had lived with depression and anxiety for most of our lives. I felt safe and acccepted by him--the first prrson thst I knew well that could identify with both issues. Because of his friendship I went from being agoraphobic to getting out the front door to go grocery shopping, to keep appointments, and other errands by myself. When he declared his feelings for me after a year of friendship, I wasn't looking to date anyone, but he said that he didn't know if he could just be friends--that it would be too hard for him. I didn't want to lose his friendship and since we were already spending time together, I decided to give dating a shot. TMuch to my surprise, I fell for Leo rather wuickly and I fell hard.

We were declaring feelings of love for one another within weeks and things progressed rather quickly. We discussed getting married down the road and building a life together. The more time that went by and the closer we got, however--the more that the dynamic of a romantically intimate relationship surfaced--Leo became triggered left and right by intimacy issues tied to his childhood and his mother. He would shut me out--push me away, accusing me of personally attacking him when I would ask about a behavior that I didn't understand or if his behavior hurt my feelings. He was very tender and highly sensitive, very caring typically, but when confronted regardless if done in a playful way or not, he would put up a wall, get defensive, cold and would either completely deny the behavior or he would say that it was my issue. We would eventually come to a place where we could discuss the prior interaction as he would process while looking back and would often realize that I wasn't attacking him, just asking questions or being assertive in expressing how his behavior could at times be hurtful.

Our dating relationship only lasted for about two months before the pushing away/pulling back cycle started. But his declarations of being in love with me stopped during this time--they were reduced to declarations of caring about me and having feelings for me. Eventually he stated that he didn't know if he would ever becable to be in a relationship with not just me but with anyone as he didn't know how and as he didnt know how to love himself.

It was absolutely devastating to hear this. In the weeks following this we decided to focus on our friendship, and he then let me in a bit to say that if I were willing to be his friend, and to be patient, he would like to try dating again down the road and although I should expect a rocky road ahead, he believed that, in time, we could have a beautiful relationship. During this time he was no longer comfortable getting together at one another's place because he was afraid that he, in his words, "would not be able to keep his hands off of me."

About a week later, the last time that I saw him, he was in a bad place--highly anxious at church, enjoyed lunch... but then over the course of the next few hours while at a coffee shop, he asked me again the reasons that I was in love with him and after I shared them as I had done more than once before, he replied that he just couldn't see those things in himself. He then went on to say that he may not even be the same man that I fell in love with down the road and that he may not even be interested in me by then. He even stated that he wasn't even physically/sexually tempted. As was there as his friend, I was able to shelf these comments until later when alone, but needless to say--they were akin to having my heart ripped out of my chest and utterly stomped on.

Everything was falling apart in Leo's world at this time: he had been in DBT for over three years and his therapist felt that it was time for him to graduate. His therapist shared also that he had been trying to help Leo towards re-entry to the workforce so that he could get off of disability. Leo felt betrayed by this as he didnt know that this was part of his therapist's plan. Leo was terrified of the work environment. He had worked for a great snd very supportive company for 12 years, but it went under in 2008. He then lost his townhome and his music didn't take off the way that he had hoped. He attemped suicide for the second time and ended up on disability. He had come so far since that time--had a support system, friends, daily/weekly routine involving art therapy, DBT, co-facilitating an anxiety support group... .he had a safe, accepting, and structured world. Now thst was all threatened... .

I apologize for the length of my posting; I hadn't intended to write so much... .

I have been left with wondering if Leo was ever truly in love with me. I am haunted by also wondering if he still was when he died. The idea that our love was never ours--but only mine--takes my breath away... .I have never loved a man the way that I loved my Leo.
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Tobiasfunke
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 88


« Reply #1 on: January 26, 2016, 09:34:50 PM »

That's way crappy. I'm sorry you are walking around with that. You did your best. I hope posting here helps. I mostly just read but I fear that some day might be writing a post like yours.
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Rmbrworst
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 199


« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2016, 11:31:58 PM »

Our dating relationship only lasted for about two months before the pushing away/pulling back cycle started. But his declarations of being in love with me stopped during this time--they were reduced to declarations of caring about me and having feelings for me.

I have been left with wondering if Leo was ever truly in love with me. I am haunted by also wondering if he still was when he died. The idea that our love was never ours--but only mine--takes my breath away... .I have never loved a man the way that I loved my Leo.

I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you.  I've lost someone to suicide myself, and it is a pain so deep . . . I cannot describe it.

My exBPD for the first couple of months told me he loved me . . . . then he stopped saying it.  He said he "didnt trust his feelings" and he said he could not say I love you again, until he slowed down and processed the relationship at his own speed, but that he may get there in the future.  He replaced "I love you" with "I really care about you."

I'm not sure why this happened . . . but I do know this.  He spent time with me . . . he held me . . . we held hands.  We had great moments together, and of course we also had terrible moments.  But they were moments that were shared between us.

Sometimes people with BPD aren't capable of mature love . . . but I do not think it means he never loved you.

He just never loved you as a healthy mature adult.

But I have a feeling he loved you as best as he could or knew how . . .

I'm so sorry for your lost.   May he RIP.  It sounds like you did all you could.  I wouldn't beat yourself up about whether or not he loved you . . . he told you he did.  So take him at his word.  He loved you as best as he could with the disorder he had.

Much love.

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StillRecovering
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 53


« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2016, 11:44:35 PM »

I am truly sorry for your loss.  Suicide often leaves more pain for those who loved the deceased than the pain that drove the person to commit the act. 

I know people who have taken their lives as well.  One who was close to me, others more like acquaintances.  The grieving, especially for the families, of those who are lost is beyond any pain that I can comprehend.  Having survived a very difficult relationship I can say I have been through pain, but nothing like this. 

Again, I wish you my deepest condolences and feel free to PM me if there is anything I can do. 
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Learning_curve74
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #4 on: January 26, 2016, 11:52:16 PM »

Ldybeth, I'm so sorry to hear your story. I have lost family and friends to suicide, and each time it has been devastating. Hugs to you.  

I agree that he loved you in the only ways he knew how. You said he helped expand and open up your life, that he helped you get out the door and I assume brought joy to your life as well. Aren't all those things real?

It's been a little over a year since he's been gone. It sounds like you're still grieving. Are you looking for support, answers, or fellowship with others who've experienced similar relationships? Whatever your goals are, you are always welcome to post on the forum. Best wishes to you.  
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