What happened after you?

[Scopikaz]

Ok since this is something I keep dwelling on too - what happened after you?  Did they continue to make mistakes?  Spiral out of control?  Are they more stable now?  Did their next relationship last?  Just curious.

[JaneStorm]

Honestly, I don't know and I don't care.

My freedom is stripped every time I ruminate on him.

He still sends little baiting texts (which go to my spam folder) and I refuse to respond.

I don't ask anyone that knows him and I remain busy getting reacquainted with my leisurely activities that he actively blocked in the r/s.

I know that he has always been, and he will always be; I was just a moment in time for him.

I am ok with that. 

[bdyw8]

Honestly, I don't know and I don't care.

My freedom is stripped every time I ruminate on him.

He still sends little baiting texts (which go to my spam folder) and I refuse to respond.

I don't ask anyone that knows him and I remain busy getting reacquainted with my leisurely activities that he actively blocked in the r/s.

I know that he has always been, and he will always be; I was just a moment in time for him.

I am ok with that. 

Good post Janestorm, I need to read this everyday.  I'm stuck in ruminating and asking myself "what if" questions thinking that my exBPD was the person I was meant to be with.

I have blocked her on everything so I'm at least not exposing myself to further harm.  But the endless torture in my mind is excruciating  :'(

[JaneStorm]

Honestly, I don't know and I don't care.

My freedom is stripped every time I ruminate on him.

He still sends little baiting texts (which go to my spam folder) and I refuse to respond.

I don't ask anyone that knows him and I remain busy getting reacquainted with my leisurely activities that he actively blocked in the r/s.

I know that he has always been, and he will always be; I was just a moment in time for him.

I am ok with that. 

Good post Janestorm, I need to read this everyday.  I'm stuck in ruminating and asking myself "what if" questions thinking that my exBPD was the person I was meant to be with.

I have blocked her on everything so I'm at least not exposing myself to further harm.  But the endless torture in my mind is excruciating  :'(

I am reading this particular thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289442.0;all#lastPost

For me, I indulged in so many fantasies of 'what ifs'. I used to beat myself up for it because I knew it was impossible with him but maybe if I showed him this article, said that to him, gave this up for him... .

Then, one day, my T said to go with that and make a list of EVERYTHING I want in a man; not him, necessarily, but a man.

I did. From the shallow to the deep, I made this list of my FrankenDude. 

I began to ruminate on that list instead... .juxtaposed it to what I knew about my BPDex and then... .engaged in one last texting communication, while going over my list. I watched the cruelty, lunacy, and disjointed thinking unfold like a corpse flower!

I just shook my head and that was that. There is NO way in this life that he can come close to even the basic 10% of what I REALLY want (and deserve).

That is ok. I am free.

Hang in there! 

[GreenEyedMonster]

Not much.  My ex continues to stalk me 2-3x per day on social media, has not managed to replace me, and seems to react pretty strongly when he hears I'm dating someone else.  I think I'm still his main "supply."  I think right now he has devalued me to avoid feeling the pain of losing me, but I'm sure that's not easy for him.

[Herodias]

How do you know they are stalking on Facebook? is there some way to tell? Mine is still spiraling downward. He has a pregnant gf and we are not divorced. He has lost his position at work and his salary is cut in half. He has not paid any of his credit cards in 6 months. He is having trouble paying his bills now and has asked me for money 3 times since we split. He is texting me notes remembering our history and wishing me a happy birthday a month early. He has 6 months probation on a misdemeanor that was originally a felony.  If that doesn't prove the tendencies continue, I don't know what does!

[Invictus01]

She got engaged a year later.

[shatra]

Blue wrote---

How do you know they are stalking on Facebook? is there some way to tell?

----It can be that if you start typing their name in the fbook search bar and their name pops up after only a couple of letters that they have been looking at your profile (unless of course you have looked at their profile, then it would show up in search bar due to you looking at them)

-----If their name shows up in "People you may know" again unless you have been looking at their profile.

[Learning Fast]

We split back in June and she connected with my replacement (an LDR) in July.  I figured that an LDR wasn't her style and she replaced my replacement last month.  Whether she "double-dipped" during the replacement changeover is unknown.  I suspect that this will be another 6 month relationship that will end abruptly and the cycle will repeat itself again.  I'd love to not know any of this but my daughter and my ex's daughter are best friends and gossip rules so a few tidbits reach my level!

Having been on this and other forums for over a year I'm convinced that without intense therapy and personal commitment on the part of the pwBPD nothing changes.  The relationship cycles will continue to repeat themselves.  Additionally, the older the pwBPD the harder the change as the behavior is so ingrained.  My ex is mid 40s and I can't see anything changing her behavior or life.  Very sad as she has a lot to offer.

LF

[bdyw8]

Then, one day, my T said to go with that and make a list of EVERYTHING I want in a man; not him, necessarily, but a man.

I did. From the shallow to the deep, I made this list of my FrankenDude. 

I began to ruminate on that list instead... .juxtaposed it to what I knew about my BPDex and then... .engaged in one last texting communication, while going over my list. I watched the cruelty, lunacy, and disjointed thinking unfold like a corpse flower!

Thanks for this advice, this sounds like something I need to do ASAP! 

[JaneStorm]

Then, one day, my T said to go with that and make a list of EVERYTHING I want in a man; not him, necessarily, but a man.

I did. From the shallow to the deep, I made this list of my FrankenDude. 

I began to ruminate on that list instead... .juxtaposed it to what I knew about my BPDex and then... .engaged in one last texting communication, while going over my list. I watched the cruelty, lunacy, and disjointed thinking unfold like a corpse flower!

Thanks for this advice, this sounds like something I need to do ASAP! 

I am so glad. Please keep me posted. There is no failure; it is a process.

[Lonely_Astro]

Ok since this is something I keep dwelling on too - what happened after you?  Did they continue to make mistakes?  Spiral out of control?  Are they more stable now?  Did their next relationship last?  Just curious.

Let's see.  We "officially" ended the last week of December.  We went NC New Years and was quiet for 2 weeks.  Ended up having a conversation with her and we talked again (not every day, but a few text over the course of about a week and some personal face to face at work).  During that time I discovered:

- she had felt I used her "most of the past year"

- found out she had lied to me about her divorce for the past year and she "didn't know why she didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth" (but I was the one always withholding things from her because I "wouldn't talk to" her, btw)

- she doesnt "feel the way" I "do" (whatever that meant)

- she was "discovering herself" by reading 'the truth: uncomfortable book about relationships' (hint: it'll make you sick to read what that is about, having gone through what we have)

- claims to still be going to DBT (I have serious doubts on this one)

- told me she had been "on a couple of dates with someone" (which is why we ended when we did, I found out she had been on a date with a guy -R- who she claims she isn't seeing, so if that's true its Guy #2) 

- stated she "felt better but didn't want to because of all the stuff she did to me, but can't dwell on it" (thanks for reminding me you're a sociopath BPD)

- had a dozen roses delivered to her at work and she left them in an obvious spot for me to see, since she knew I would be into work after hours and that entrance makes me walk by her desk, meaning her and Guy #2 are a little deeper into a r/s than "a couple of dates" (I feel this was punishment for me leaving her and she's showing me how 'amazing' she is to be with)

- wouldn't own up to the level of a r/s she had in July (B), even after I had a lot more details than she thought (big surprise there!)

So, in summary, she's a hot mess of a human being that is still carving a path of destruction and that's simply never going to change.  I give her 6 months, tops, and she'll be engaged again.

We split back in June and she connected with my replacement (an LDR) in July.  I figured that an LDR wasn't her style and she replaced my replacement last month.  Whether she "double-dipped" during the replacement changeover is unknown.  I suspect that this will be another 6 month relationship that will end abruptly and the cycle will repeat itself again.  I'd love to not know any of this but my daughter and my ex's daughter are best friends and gossip rules so a few tidbits reach my level!

Having been on this and other forums for over a year I'm convinced that without intense therapy and personal commitment on the part of the pwBPD nothing changes.  The relationship cycles will continue to repeat themselves.  Additionally, the older the pwBPD the harder the change as the behavior is so ingrained.  My ex is mid 40s and I can't see anything changing her behavior or life.  Very sad as she has a lot to offer.

LF

LF,

Even with DBT, the chances of success are close to nil.  It takes years for them to be 'successful' even with DBT and most studies favor that DBT is only 'successful' for lower functioning BPs.  If yours was like mine (high functioning), the chances of 'success' drops substantially.  That's based on what scholarly articles I could find when J said she was going to start DBT (which I fully supported so she could hopefully find her way).  I never told her that the odds were heavily stacked against her, but they are.  I'm not saying its impossible, I say its improbable. 

In the mean time, while they are on that path, we are still subjected to their manipulations, lies, cheating, abuse, and other tomfoolery they feel like subjecting us to because they can.  I understand they are mentally ill.  I get it.  But that doesn't give them carte blanche to treat people like they do.  That doesn't excuse abusive behavior.  No one deserves to be put through what we have endured in the name of love.  Thats simply not love.

[Rmbrworst]

He got back w/ his "ex"

Their relationship is chaos, although if you look at their Facebook or Instagram, everything looks just beautiful and perfect.

I'm actually reminded of something just now.  I remember, when the exBPD and his BF and I were just friends with each other.  My exBPD sometimes complained to me about him.  I told him one day that I loved the picture of him together with his boyfriend on their anniversary.  I said they looked really happy.

My exBPD told me "Oh ya, I had to fight with him to even do anything for our anniversary.  When we took that picture and we had just been fighting.  I wanted to do something special and he didn't seem to care."

If you read in between the lines . . . there's even more going on really.  He said he "wanted to do something special"

What he wanted to do was go out, have dinner, and get someone to take their picture . . . so he could show to the world that everything is perfect, and they're such a happy beautiful couple.

They're not.  They're miserable.  They have been for years. 

So no matter what they do . . . it doesn't really matter.  Nobody will ever truly know what goes on at home, except for the two people in the relationship.

Here's what matters.

He came into my home, and turned it upside down.

So who cares what he's doing right now . . . he was a jerk to me. 

Not worth bothering thinking about.  Especially if you've been discarded and painted black. 

I was thinking about what he was doing for a long time, but now I'm focused more on what I'm doing and what I need to be doing. 

Right now for me, that's detaching and healing.  I will focus on more hardcore stuff after I've allowed myself a moment to get it back together.

[blissful_camper]

When I first arrived on this forum (in shock, deeply hurt) I recall reading similar threads as yours. What I learned is that past behavior/patterns in relationships are a pretty good predictor of future behavior in relationships. What I learned here on BPD-family, sadly played out in his life. The relationship pattern repeated itself with my replacement, and another partner after, and so on. If knowing that helps you to continue moving forward hang on to that knowledge - ask questions, and let it out so that you can learn too and find some relief in the process. It takes time but there's light at the end of the tunnel.

[circularref]

Ok since this is something I keep dwelling on too - what happened after you?  Did they continue to make mistakes?  Spiral out of control?  Are they more stable now?  Did their next relationship last?  Just curious.

She replaced me two weeks after we were done. She's been dating him for 2.5 months now and everything looks amazing from the outside. But I know she's quite good at creating a perfect image, even to her close friends.

I started dating recently someone and my exBPD learned about it and reacted quite strongly: she got into a fight with a friend about it and another friend told me she was really shocked.

So really I don't know much, but I have a gut feeling something is brewing.

[once removed]

Ok since this is something I keep dwelling on too - what happened after you?  Did they continue to make mistakes?  Spiral out of control?  Are they more stable now?  Did their next relationship last?  Just curious.

around, i dunno, six months out, i chatted with two mutual friends (they were mainly her friends, but i had noticed a few months prior that they were no longer friends with her, remained friends with me, and curiosity got the best of me).

all that i knew at the time was that while with her new boyfriend she was invading my email basically every night. it turns out things were pretty ugly. come to find out she moved in with the new boyfriend immediately, let her schooling go, neglected her pets who were hours away (did the same with me so no surprise). my ex apparently changed lifestyle, vocabulary, and fashion around the new guy, and some new friends. this is the kind of thing my ex is aware she does and shes very insecure about it. according to both friends it was incredibly transparent, and when comments were made, she exploded. toward her main friend, the one she spent the most time with and the one i saw the most, she began viciously attacking her and harassing her to the point that the friend had to change her number. that shocked me. apparently, her new boyfriends room mate was driven out of the house pretty quickly. the boyfriend was in a band, and that fell apart. i heard my ex tried to get violent with a female friend of the new boyfriend. thats pretty out of character for her. the boyfriend also deactivated his facebook. that parts not a mystery.

that was all in the first year. if i had to guess, i imagine things settled down. i dont have the foggiest idea. i only know they lasted over a year longer than we did. from everything i can tell, my ex has been single now for almost a year. she went back to school (after dropping out multiple times shes pretty fortunate to have had that opportunity) and shes now at her dream job. looks and sounds basically like she did before we were together. im glad for her and hope she keeps it up.

[bdyw8]

She replaced me two weeks after we were done. She's been dating him for 2.5 months now and everything looks amazing from the outside. But I know she's quite good at creating a perfect image, even to her close friends.

I started dating recently someone and my exBPD learned about it and reacted quite strongly: she got into a fight with a friend about it and another friend told me she was really shocked.

So really I don't know much, but I have a gut feeling something is brewing.

My experience with my exBPD was that it was a fairy tail for almost two years... . Reason being that I was not fully into her and she could probably tell I was on the fence for that long.  However, as soon as I went all in and was fully committed to her and really fell in love deeply, all the wheels came off and everything changed.  I think that "honeymoon" phase with a pwBPD lasts as long as it has to until they realize they "have you".  At which point, the real personality comes out.  

Sorry it hurts so much to see them "happy" with someone else.  I know it would devastate me, it hurt me just seeing her on a dating website two weeks ago.  But I think we both know in our hearts that it won't last.  My exBPD had an ex-husband that had to take out a restraining order against her when they split up and wouldn't let her come to his new house to pick up the kids because he was scared of her creating a scene.  She did the same at my place in front of my ex-wife and a neighbour almost called the cops one time because she was banging on my door at midnight one night

These people don't change primarily because they don't even admit they have a problem. How can you admit you have a problem when all you've done is blame others for everything and made yourself into a perpetual victim.  It's funny, before I found out my ex had BPD, I would always say to her "wow, you always have to be a victim" and "you have little to no empathy", which I've now learned are hallmark traits of BPD.  

[steelwork]

While our relationship was failing, he started talking to someone we both know about her failing relationship. They comforted each other and bonded, and then a few weeks after he started seeing her he dumped me (at that point letting flow all the anger he'd been hiding until then, since now he was safe to do so, I guess).

They moved in together I think about four months later. I know that through a mutual friend. I don't know if they're still together, but they were as of last summer. Boring answer. I don't really know more. I could say more about his motives, their relationship, etc, but I'd be guessing. I do know the mutual friend said he didn't seem that into her, and he kind of indicated to me that he wasn't crazy in love or anything, so it didn't seem lie idealization, but who knows what goes on between the two of them?

I am 6 years older than he is, she's 16 years younger than he is... .so she's (gulp) 22 years younger than me!

[Grissum69]

Well let's see, she moved to another state, got involved with a total loser (ex-con) who was just as bad as her ( emotionally abusive ).  She has lost two jobs already  , got her car repossessed  , lost her stuff in storage , and her kids are now showing signs of mental illness now  :'(.    Kind of sad to me because I care for the kids a lot. 

[Jazzy]

He moved in with my replacement two weeks after I got to know about her.( We had been together 6 years and were to get married  this November) He has been living with her for the last 6 months . She is 10 years older than him, 15 years older than me!He has not  contacted me  even once  to apologise or to express any remorse for the way he discarded me.

[JSF13]

Mine is "renting a room" from her ex husband. Last we spoke she said it wasn't what I thought it was... .LOL. Has tried to recycle me. Not gonna have it. The idea of her being with someone else hurts but it's only me who's hurt. Not her. She continues to change her image to fit her surroundings. I just remind myself of the three c's every time I get down about the situation.

[circularref]

Sorry it hurts so much to see them "happy" with someone else.  I know it would devastate me, it hurt me just seeing her on a dating website two weeks ago.  But I think we both know in our hearts that it won't last.  My exBPD had an ex-husband that had to take out a restraining order against her when they split up and wouldn't let her come to his new house to pick up the kids because he was scared of her creating a scene.  She did the same at my place in front of my ex-wife and a neighbour almost called the cops one time because she was banging on my door at midnight one night

I got over the replacement surprisingly quickly. What hurts at the moment is how she convinced her friends that she was the victim in the relationship, so I'm getting a lot of judgmental looks and comments from her friends. In particular, they tell me how the replacement is nothing like me (implying my character was at fault, and with someone different it'll work so much better), except that the description of the replacement sounds just like me. I think I need to take some distance from those people.

These people don't change primarily because they don't even admit they have a problem. How can you admit you have a problem when all you've done is blame others for everything and made yourself into a perpetual victim.  It's funny, before I found out my ex had BPD, I would always say to her "wow, you always have to be a victim" and "you have little to no empathy", which I've now learned are hallmark traits of BPD.  

The no empathy was always shocking to me. The complete inability to understand why people feel certain emotions in some circumstances. My ex would fake empathy by imagining what she would do at the place of a particular person, except that doesn't work since she thinks quite differently then most people. So it always resulted in a very odd kind of empathy.

[greenmonkey]

I am 16 months down the line.

I know that replacement no 1 and then 2 failed. all after a few months. She moved 6 times in a year, used my name to get credit, took out fraudulent insurance policies at my address, has been stalking me online and at my house.

What else - I have no interest in her life, what she is doing, how she is doing. It is of no relevance to my life. I am sure she is taking up new hobbies interests etc to mirror her potential new supplies and pleading at being the victim as always - some things will not change

She will never get close to me or my family again and that is my main concern.

[MakingMyWay]

My ex went on to the replacement about a week after dumping me. He initiated it, but it was pretty clear my ex was going to go on to him eventually. Apart from that I don't know much. As far as I know they are still together. I do know that she is following the same patterns as with me, but at a much more rapid rate. It took us a month to say "I love you" it took them 1 week. It took us 8 months to have sex, it took them a few days. Its crazy and heartbreaking seeing all those things which were sacred to us become so easy for them to dive into within a week.

[JRT]

Blue wrote---

How do you know they are stalking on Facebook? is there some way to tell?

----It can be that if you start typing their name in the fbook search bar and their name pops up after only a couple of letters that they have been looking at your profile (unless of course you have looked at their profile, then it would show up in search bar due to you looking at them)

-----If their name shows up in "People you may know" again unless you have been looking at their profile.

Apologies Shatra, but this is not correct. If you type in their name and it auto populates, it is more an indication that you have been checking them out. Same deal with 'people you may know'. Trust me on this: there is no outward way of knowing.

[shatra]

Grissum wrote---

she moved to another state, got involved with a total loser (ex-con) who was just as bad as her ( emotionally abusive ).

-----Why would she choose someone as bad as her, instead of someone higher-functioning?  Would she think someone higher up on the ladder of success would reject her? Or is it that like attracts like?

JRT wrote----

If you type in their name and it auto populates, it is more an indication that you have been checking them out. Same deal with 'people you may know'.

-----It can indicate that you  have been checking them out, but it can also mean you haven't (and they have been checking you out).  I have tested this on a different computer with a friend's account----I never checked my friend's account out, but after she looked at my profile, the next day she showed up as a suggested friend, and all of a sudden, when I started typing her name in the search bar, it showed up autopopulated (but the day before she looked at my profile, her name didn't show up no matter if I practically typed her whole name in)

[woofbarkmeowbeep]

My first BPD girlfriend: 4 weeks after we broke up (she 'needed space and to be alone' she met a guy. Got engaged to him 3 days later. planned to get married a few weeks later... family convinced them not to... got prig a month later... .and got married a few months later... had baby 9 months later... and after that, I don't really know.

[Moselle]

During mediation for divorce, she packed up the house, the car, the kids and moved 1200km away (while I was away on business). She arrived met a married man at church within 2 weeks, started dating him. He divorced his pregnant wife to be with mine. He moved in with her and my kids 2 months ago.

I've been NC (except for email) or 9 months. And they somehow coopted the children into keeping it secret. I found out this last weekend because someone told me that they have announced their engagement to get married. ... .. But we are still married and in court every other month.

Whew its a mess

[Penelope35]

During mediation for divorce, she packed up the house, the car, the kids and moved 1200km away (while I was away on business). She arrived met a married man at church within 2 weeks, started dating him. He divorced his pregnant wife to be with mine. He moved in with her and my kids 2 months ago.

I've been NC (except for email) or 9 months. And they somehow coopted the children into keeping it secret. I found out this last weekend because someone told me that they have announced their engagement to get married. ... .. But we are still married and in court every other month.

Whew its a mess

Probably the new guy doesn't even know she is still married... .

[FannyB]

Mine never replaced me. Had a total meltdown and was off work for more than half a year with stress. Has just changed jobs again. Everyone has been shocked by this turn of events but me. She always put up a very creditable facade.