I wanted a man. I got a boy.

[Notwendy]

I think it is good that you are not overfunctioning for him and letting him learn on his own.

I believe we match with people who are at our level of maturity- perhaps those of us who have done some significant personal work have grown up along the way in a sense. Perhaps it is that mismatch that you are noticing, but your H will not grow emotionally if you are helping him too much, so letting him learn is great.

I also think that growing up with a BPD mother can parentify us. I think  growing up in that sense may make it hard to see the areas where we need to grow emotionally. I was taking on tasks at home at age 12 that others may not have done until later. So, I do know a lot of life skills- how to plan a trip, send things through the mail, cooking, sewing, as I was doing these things as a teen- as a help to my mother.

The having to argue, have the last word- I agree is part insecurity, but it feels as if he sees our interaction as a competition, and he's not going to let me have the upper hand. So, if I make a suggestion, if he were to say " that sounds like a good idea" or even " thanks but I prefer this"- it would make me at least equal or upper hand. For him to have upper hand, he has to come back with an idea that is better, or a way to control my idea - " if you want to leave another day then you have to do X, Y, Z to not mess up my schedule and ... "So I will do it your way if I can control things.". You suggested this box so now, I have to suggest that box"

I don't see things that way, never did. I'm a collaborative person. I consider everyone's ideas and then like to come up with a plan as a team.  I have always wondered why doing this- which seems simple to me-feels so complicated with my H.

[Grey Kitty]

Tim, I do think I am perceived as a threat. Seems strange to me as I don't think I am a threatening person, but I am the closest person to him.

I believe that.

1. He is dependent on you (at least to some degree). He isn't secure or confident. That feeling of vulnerability he has comes out as feeling threatened.

2. I'm fairly assertive, and quite confident in the things I do know, and not shy about speaking that way. Some people (my wife's siblings, and some of her friends for the most part) found themselves very uncomfortable being around this, the best I could figure out. (I heard about it after the fact from my wife at times)

If you are terribly insecure / lacking in self-esteem, anybody who seems to display some may appear threatening to you, I guess?

I dunno... .this second thing is something that perhaps I've become a bit more sensitive about and has perhaps become less of an issue... .I've also decided that people who are that !#@$!@# over-sensitive aren't people I want to hang around with anyways... .

[waverider]

The having to argue is often based on wanting to prove that they are also capable. Often you can get past it if you agree there way is a great idea but this time you want to do it differently, rather than your way is the best option.

If their idea is not practical they have to come to that conclusion on their own.

Other times they are just stubborn, at which times it's pointless debating it

The threat aspect is not the person, but what you represent, which is a threat of being exposed as you are more aware of the shortcomings, either real or perceived.

[Notwendy]

Good points GK and WW. I had a hard time even thinking that I'd be considered to be threatening. I'm a small person who is generally soft spoken. However, I have had more experience in the adult world, having been parentified as a child. As a mom, I have been teaching these skills to my kids over time, but for me, I had to deal with them. Although my father supported us, and we had a roof over our heads, by 12 I had taken on a lot of adult tasks in the home,

I don't deny that we marry someone who matches us in maturity. It would not surprise me that having adolescence fast forwarded would result in some lack of emotional growth in another area. I also assumed that what I knew wasn't different from anyone else, yet, I did notice, in wonder, how my friends had moms who cooked, sewed things for them, picked them up from school while I was doing these things on my own. My H had such a mom.

It didn't occur to me that my capability might also trigger insecurities. I never even saw him as being insecure. But if someone is insecure, then it could be threatening to be collaborating over household tasks with someone who had a 10 year head start. Its strange, but I never saw this discrepancy as being something wrong with other people. I saw them as being very fortunate to have had this kind of attention from a mom.

One good thing from co-dependency work has been that I learned to step back and let him do things his way, even if it isn't the most efficient instead of just doing them myself-not that I'm always right but it could be something I have done a gazillian times- and something he hasn't had as much experience with.

[Cat Familiar]

1. He is dependent on you (at least to some degree). He isn't secure or confident. That feeling of vulnerability he has comes out as feeling threatened.

2. I'm fairly assertive, and quite confident in the things I do know, and not shy about speaking that way.

If you are terribly insecure / lacking in self-esteem, anybody who seems to display some may appear threatening to you, I guess?

Because I can do all sorts of "man's work" like electrical, carpentry, plumbing, fencing, I forget how "intimidating" that must be to my husband, who is incapable of any of that just because he's never done it, doesn't want to do it, doesn't want to learn how to do it--especially from me.

The having to argue is often based on wanting to prove they they are also capable. Often you can get past it if you agree there way is a great idea but this time you want to do it differently, rather than your way is the best option.

If their idea is not practical they have to come to that conclusion on their own.

Other times they are just stubborn, at which times it's pointless debating it

The threat aspect is not the person, but what you represent, which is a threat of being exposed as you are more aware of the shortcomings, either real or perceived.

This makes sense of why he will feel so slighted if I disagree with him about something that is not in his wheelhouse. Because he has so limited experience doing "blue collar" work, sometimes he has really dumb ideas about how something should be accomplished. I've tried to acknowledge his idea and then explain why something won't work and I can see now how invalidating that can be. One more hoop for me to jump through.