NC thread part 4

[Anez]

Good work, maple! keep it up.

I feel like i'd be doing better if i didn't see her every day at work but i don't have the urge to text her anymore and we just say cordial hellos at work. It makes the recovery harder but there's not much i can do about that.

[Lonely_Astro]

20 days today! Miss her a lot, but I'm alright. I think I've been having stress dreams about her, but I can't remember them when I wake up.

Congrats!

I had one myself last night.  Moving on is hard to do.


@Anez, I'm not ignoring the PM from yesterday. I get a kick back that your inbox is full

[kc sunshine]

Day 7 NC, Day 14 Release with grace/do not resuscitate done! Didn't check social media which today, like the others, is my big temptation. What is stopping me right now is the thought that whatever I might see would probably hurt me, so why do it?

[Lexisdad]

I'm really trying to make sense of my pwbd ex's motives. Now starting 8 weeks since breakup. Last night at 940 pm sends text she can't beleive my daughter will be 11 this weekend. I'm starting to beleive it's a test to see if i'll answer or if i'm out with someone. This morning it's how her son made honor roll. I responded i know to the birthday and thats great to her son. Why after all this time does she feel need to keep sending me mundane texts every single day. It' usually one or two stupid texts and thats it for the day. Someone help me try to figure the motive out today s not a great day.

[kc sunshine]

Hmmm-- I'd say she's trying to keep the connection. It sounds like you are doing well with it, responding but keeping it "BIFF" (Brief, informative, friendly, final). That seems like a humane thing to do.

[Penelope35]

Hey Lexisdad. I am thinking she is probably trying to keep you around. My understanding is that some people with BPD will leave and never look back or maybe reach back years later and others just can't let go even if it was them who broke up. This is the case with my ex. He broke up with me, then I found out he is married has kids and all and he still sends me messages tell me how much he loves and misses me or to explain why he kept his family life a secret or to manipulate me to keep contact in one way or another. He doesn't even respect that he hurt me and that he has to leave me alone to recover from everything. So egocentric!  They just come and go according to how they are feeling or what they are needing and don't give a damn if the other person is struggling to get over them because THEY haven't left them with any other option... .it's just crazy

[Lexisdad]

Yes she broke up with me as i've said day before ivf procedure and engagement. It's nothing to do with our relationship in the texts. Yes she treated me like s--t no doubt and i consider myself one of the " good guys" and not being conceited. I tried to love her the best i knew how and unconditionally. In the end i got a broken heart and a whole lotta hurt. I dont bother her but it's just the fact she has to reach out everyday that pertubes me. You ended the relationship so let it be. You told me you hated me but now you like me? I dont have the head or heart for the games.

[Penelope35]

You ended the relationship so let it be. You told me you hated me but now you like me? I dont have the head or heart for the games.

Exactly. They just don't get it though... .and this is why it's on us to end it for good

[kc sunshine]

Hi all,

I'm contemplating calling my BPDex today to let her know that I won't be in town this weekend (I told her I would be coming back, but it turns I won't be able to return until next week).

On the pro side:

Keep it normal

Fake it till you make it

On the con side:

Am I doing it because of the FOG? (obligation/guilt)

Will it keep me in the FOG? (obligation/guilt)

[MapleBob]

Hi all,

I'm contemplating calling my BPDex today to let her know that I won't be in town this weekend (I told her I would be coming back, but it turns I won't be able to return until next week).

Is that need-to-know info for her?

[kc sunshine]

No, totally not. I ended up leaving her a message about it-- she called back but didn't leave a message back.

I shouldn't have done it-- I definitely feel worse. Okay, lesson learned    :'(

[kc sunshine]

Bad day-- down the rabbit hole.

Can you all tell me all the reasons why I shouldn't check social media again?

[Penelope35]

Hey kc. It looks like you are having a difficult day... .You should not check because you have to cincentrate on your own life and not on your ex's fb life.  You are trying to detach from a person and a relationship that was bad for you. Deep down you know this is not what you trully want for your self. Right? Please try to remember the bad days... .You are missing the person who you thought she was... .or you hoped she was. But is she that person? You know better

[Hindsight2020]

I've been no contact with my ex BPD since January 2015. I've definitely thought about asking her how she's doing. When she messaged me last year for the last time it was to tell me she destroyed the nerves in one of her wrists from self harm. After I realized she had no interest in what was going on with me I told her I didn't want to be her friend and that she should never message me again when her and her boyfriend are having a rough time. So far she has respected my wishes and it seems now that she's gone forever. Good riddance.

[C.Stein]

Can you all tell me all the reasons why I shouldn't check social media again?

Because it hurts.  There is no other reason you need.

[Anez]

Bad day-- down the rabbit hole.

Can you all tell me all the reasons why I shouldn't check social media again?

Stein is right. It will only hurt you to look. Don't do something that will hurt yourself. Do something good for you. And don't beat yourself up for calling. Just dust yourself off and keep pushing forward.

You got this.

[kc sunshine]

Thanks everybody, so much. I didn't check social media thanks to you all.   .

We did eventually talk on the phone though-- it went okay, better (less awkward) than our other times. She mostly talked about work-- she's having difficulties with a coworker so she talked a lot about that. We avoided the topic of our personal lives for the most part, though she did kinda say something about having more to tell me about what was going on in her life. I didn't press it because what I don't know will hurt me less (same logic as the social media!) She did have a new way of talking which was odd (more cursing and something else different that I can't quite put my finger on... .odd). Perhaps she is in a mirroring stage?

Anyway, this day is over-- phew. How did you all do? Sending love.

[steelwork]

Bad day-- down the rabbit hole.

Can you all tell me all the reasons why I shouldn't check social media again?

Because it's a distortion anyhow, so anything you see there will become subject to endless speculation.

[steelwork]

It's been 4 months since the last quick polite exchange about a bit of housekeeping. And that quick exchange was the first contact in 5 months.

I still have urges to send him emails explaining how much perspective I've gained on what happened. Why do I think he needs to know that?

Because I really miss him. He was so much fun. He just did it for me like no one else.

Because I want to be heard. Because I wasn't heard when I was little.

Today I was really missing him.

[kc sunshine]

Sending love steelwork. This is so tough, the toughest. 9 months, huh? And 4 months NC? Does it feel any different though? Is the quality of your missing different, less intense than at the beginning?

I'm having a rough weekend too, with moments of feeling okay and then other moments of feeling pretty bad. I hope it eases up.

What kinds of things about your perspective would you like to share with him?

[Lexisdad]

I'm having a rough weekend as well. I've made the decision tonight that my daughters bday is tomorrow. I' m sure my ex will send her bday wishes thru a text. As of monday i'm blocking her from all contact. I thought i could do it but it's like waterboarding with the torture of her sending several texts everyday just to make sure i'm here. Ive decided that five and a half years of rages, accusations and being treated and talked to like s--t theres nothing i need to hear from her. Not once in 8 weeks did she admit any wrongdoing or apologize. I gave it my all and gave her the chance. The texts now are like strangers. We really have nothing to talk about and allowing her the chance to reach out to me is doing more harm than good. This is the reason nc is paramount if any of us expect to regain ourselves.

[steelwork]

Sending love steelwork. This is so tough, the toughest. 9 months, huh? And 4 months NC? Does it feel any different though? Is the quality of your missing different, less intense than at the beginning?

Oh yeah. Less intense. I was having a lot more full-body reactions in the beginning. It's much less intense. And also the countervailing fear of being in touch is greater. The thoughts of hearing from him are kind of automatically followed by thoughts of the pain that would come along with it. I'm not sure that's such a good thing. The trauma is still there.

I'm having a rough weekend too, with moments of feeling okay and then other moments of feeling pretty bad. I hope it eases up.

I'm sorry, kc. I see there's been some back-and-forth, so I can imagine that would stir things up. Sometimes I think it was a kindness of him to shut me out so decisively.

What kinds of things about your perspective would you like to share with him?

This is a huge question.

Here is something I wrote--not to send, but for me. It sort of answers the question, though.

---

The last time we spoke, almost a year ago, you said you could have written me a letter of apology twice as long as the one I wrote you. You didn’t say what would be in it, but that’s okay, because I would forgive you for whatever you might have written. I’m sorry we hurt each other so much. I meant what I said in my letter, and I want to reiterate it all now—unsullied by the desire for something in return—because you were right: it never would have worked. For all that I loved you, for all our torrid attraction and the way we mapped onto one another (as you put it), things could only have ended badly.

You said you couldn’t have stood me long. You said I needed to “live off the land.” You put our basic incompatibility in terms of the kind of person I am, which is fair and true enough. As for me, I probably would have rolled with it, and I would have been miserable, because I have what they call a codependent personality—and you, I strongly suspect, have borderline personality disorder.  [note: I would never actually bring this up with him.]

I can easily imagine you being enraged by what I just wrote, but you shouldn’t be. I hope you don’t receive this as criticism or a deflection of my own responsibility. I’m not saying I didn’t f*ck up royally in all the ways I apologized for, and plenty of other ways. But I’m stuck with myself, and one thing I know is that I could not have been the kind of person you needed me to be: a steady, patient, nonreactive person with well-defined boundaries. That ain’t me. Not yet, anyhow.

You brought up abandonment issues the last time we talked, and you said you had been too dependent on me. That points to the possibility that you’re already aware of and getting treatment for some kind of personality disorder. It’s none of my business, really, but I’m still struggling for closure, and looking back over the course of our relationship, things make a lot more sense to me now that I can see the red flags. Naming them helps me get closure.

[then a long list of red flags.]

I relate to a lot of this, and I think it’s part of why we “mapped onto each other.” I have abandonment issues too, and a history of unstable relationships. I have problems regulating my emotions sometimes. The way I acted in our relationship, I now see, was almost custom-made to trigger your fears.

I fell apart last winter, and over the past ten months I’ve worked really hard to put myself back together. I’m told that a big part of my problem is that I didn’t learn to acknowledge my emotions as a child. You let me know how angry you were, and in response I was contrite, and I tried to make things right. After you froze me out, I spent months blaming myself for all the ways I ruined everything. It didn’t do any good. It ate away at me, actually. I think it made me sicker.

So I will acknowledge here that I’m angry. I’m angry that you can’t or won’t have a conversation with me about what happened between us. I’m also angry about your abusive treatment. The Jekyll and Hyde stuff was abuse, and the lashing out. The silent treatment was the worst of all. It’s a terrible form of emotional abuse to which I’m particularly vulnerable. Let me be clear: this is not about appointing a victim. It is simply an assertion I did not deserve—in fact, no one deserves—that kind of treatment. There’s no justification for abusing someone. Not even if you think it’s an eye for an eye—which I suspect you do, despite the fact that I never treated you with that kind of contempt or cruelty.

This is what makes me feel worst of all: I wish I could believe that you loved me once, but I no longer can, because of how you left things.

Well, I loved you and still do. I’m solid like that. None of what happened between us erases all the wonderful things about you. Thank you for the extraordinary bliss we shared, and for making me laugh so much, and for making me feel like a lovable person for a while. Thank you for introducing me to your world and telling me about your life, which will always be part of me now—a source of mystery and pleasure and vivid detail—though I hate the dark things in your past, and what you suffered.

Thank you, strangely, for the messy aftermath of this relationship. It hurt more than I can ever say, but I believe I will be better off in the end. I’ve had to re-experience so much sadness this year, about things that had nothing to do with you. I re-broke the bone, and now it will have a chance to heal correctly.

Thank you for the days.

[kc sunshine]

Steelwork, that is just so beautiful. I am floored by its beauty. Thank you for it.

[steelwork]

Gosh, thanks for saying so.

Do you write letters? I guess maybe not, since you're still in contact. It's so strange having this empty silence where he used to be.

[steelwork]

(Do you know that Kinks song? Days? It still makes me weep for him whenever I hear it.)

[kc sunshine]

I haven't write letters, but I have written a little short story about it, just a few paragraphs. Maybe I can get up the courage to share it here!

[steelwork]

I haven't write letters, but I have written a little short story about it, just a few paragraphs. Maybe I can get up the courage to share it here!

I hope you will, kc. If you feel comfortable with it.

[kc sunshine]

wow, I just read the lyrics to Days-- so perfect. Now I've got to hear the song!

[Anez]

Hey all. Just wanted to pop in and say hello.

The past few days have felt like the fog is lifting a little bit. I was angry at the beginning/middle of the week. But I had a good T session on Thursday, had a fun date Thursday night - I'm not ready for a relationship but it felt good to be out with another woman participating in life - and starting tomorrow I will be away all week from work, which means I won't have to see my ex in the office for a week, which feels awesome.

My anger led me to see her whole picture a little more clearer, I think. The past few days I've thought about her but not as much as before and when I do it's not really a feeling of heartbreak but a feeling of its her loss, not mine. Will this feeling last? I hope so but if I dip back a little that's ok, too. I know I'll bounce back.

Just wanted to share that. We can and will feel good again. We're all doing the right things even tho it feels so hard.

Keep fighting and keep pushing forward.

[MapleBob]

Feeling that "third week of NC oh no this is really happening" feeling this weekend.