NC thread part 4

[Anez]

Keeping this thread alive:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289437.50

hope everyone is doing well today and being strong!

[Anez]

Sorry, title of the thread should be NC pep talk thread.

Having issues with NC? Need help? Advice? Want to share? Hit us up here!

[Rmbrworst]

I forget exactly how long I've maintained no contact.  I made a slip up a couple of weeks ago or so, but not sure of the date or time.  I remember just wanting to speak to him about a movie.

It feels good that I've forgotten how long it's been.  I no longer feel the need to keep track of my progress.

I will always care for him in my heart, but I refuse to be treated this way ever again.  I've learned a hard lesson.  This happened for a reason.  This relationship has taught me how to care for myself and I've learned what self respect truly means.

I miss him less and less ... .I miss the idealized version of him I had. 

Listen.  Everyone here pushing through no contact ... .I know how much pain you are in right now.  I hurt so badly, for the first time in my life, I desperately wanted to commit suicide so my pain would go away.

That's so sad.  To think I had been pushed so far, that I started to devalue MYSELF and my OWN LIFE!

No contact will allow you to grieve, and to focus on yourself.  Get back in touch with yourself and your esteem.

If I can do it, anybody can do it.

I'm not 100% yet, but instead of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, I'm already out of it.  I'm just kinda lingering on the edge of the tunnel, looking outside and enjoying the fresh air and the sunshine.  Taking my time before I look back, wave goodbye on this mess, and jump out into that sunshine and move on with my own life.

I will always care for him.  I hope he gets help and leads a happy life.  But I will no longer be there to save him time and time again.

He has to save himself.

I have to live my life.

You guys/gals can do it. 

Stay strong. 

[Grissum69]

right on!  I'm with you !   

I was almost brought back to the dark side but the force is strong with me after being NC for quite a while.   I'm back to NC and it's awesome

As you said, they have to save themselves

I have to live my life.

[Anez]

That's great, Rmbrworst. You've made so much progress and it's inspiring.

I had a tough night last night. Went down to visit my ex-wife at the place where we used to live together. She's moving out this week and going on a two-month trip to Thailand. I picked up our dogs as I'll be watching them while she's gone, which is awesome.

But we went out for dinner and i had this feeling sitting across from her that here is this great woman who has real emotions and has been a special person to me for 10 years and I threw it all away for some girl who has zero emotions and who destroyed my marriage, turned my life upside down, and then threw me away. I played a huge part in all of that, of course.

I sat there feeling angry and sad. Angry at my ex with BPD for pursuing me while i was married. Angry that I enjoyed her pursuing me and acted out on it. Angry that I when down that path and threw my marriage away. And sad for my ex-wife, who really deserves the best and gives the best to everyone she knows. She's a real, live, loving adult and I lost her during a time in my life where I just got a little messed up. And just sad for me that this is my life now.

The whole process last night was emotional. And it made me think of how stupid I am to let my ex with BPD take up such a huge part of my brain.

I think this anger will push me forward. it has to.

[Rmbrworst]

right on!  I'm with you !   

I was almost brought back to the dark side but the force is strong with me after being NC for quite a while.   I'm back to NC and it's awesome

As you said, they have to save themselves

I have to live my life.

It is awesome!

glad to hear you're staying positive and pushing forward.

Let's focus on having a healthy relationship with ourselves first shall we?

[Lexisdad]

My BPD exgf is at it again. Been lc/nc since she ended it 7 weeks ago. Of course today it's she cant beleive my daughter will be 11 this weekend. I had to have an mri/cat scan today which i made no mention of. Come out of mri and theres 5 " u ok" texts on my phone. I finally answer back i'm fine. She proceeds text me " if your busy i won't bother you'. Like you really had something significant to tell me. Are u going to tell me that you are sorry for the way you treated me for 6 years with your rages, lies, insecurity and jeoulosy? Of course not and you are not texting to tell me your in therapy.

Why does she feel need to every single day send me the most insignificant texts. We have nothing to talk about. I could care less she has a cold or inquiring if i'm ok. I'm a grown man i don't need her worrying now after 6 years how i am.

[Anez]

My BPD exgf is at it again. Been lc/nc since she ended it 7 weeks ago. Of course today it's she cant beleive my daughter will be 11 this weekend. I had to have an mri/cat scan today which i made no mention of. Come out of mri and theres 5 " u ok" texts on my phone. I finally answer back i'm fine. She proceeds text me " if your busy i won't bother you'. Like you really had something significant to tell me. Are u going to tell me that you are sorry for the way you treated me for 6 years with your rages, lies, insecurity and jeoulosy? Of course not and you are not texting to tell me your in therapy.

Why does she feel need to every single day send me the most insignificant texts. We have nothing to talk about. I could care less she has a cold or inquiring if i'm ok. I'm a grown man i don't need her worrying now after 6 years how i am.

These people with BPD have the mentality of a 3 year old. Trying to figure why they do certain things like send the texts you are getting is impossible!

Sorry you have to hear from her every day. Just stay strong and keep healing.

[kc sunshine]

Hi gang,

I'm still counting-- each day a struggle, but hopefully getting somewhat better. Day 6 NC, Day 13 release with grace. Also day 13 no social media-- which is the hardest thing! I think because it is so easy to do.

I do check this site semi-obsessively-- which is definitely better than contacting her or checking social media, but still "a thing." Is it for you guys too? People who have been on the board a long time: does our obsession with this site wind down?

I am totally grateful for it-- I've learned so much and feel in such good company with you all   

Anez, I'd love to hear your whole story-- did you tell it somewhere? If so could you link to it?

[Rmbrworst]

Anez.

Do you want to get back with your ex wife and make amends?  Is there still something there that can be worked on?  


I want to respond more but busy at work right now

[Anez]

Anez.

Do you want to get back with your ex wife and make amends?  Is there still something there that can be worked on?  


I want to respond more but busy at work right now

When we were separated last year she'd say stuff like ... ."you never know what can happen in life. I have friends who got back with their ex-husbands and maybe that happens with us."

I'm lucky that we are still close. last night we hugged goodbye and told each other that we love each other. She's a special person in my life and always will be with the many great memories that we had.

I think deep down I'd like to get back with her but I dunno if she will ever allow it to happen. Will have to see how things go down the line when she gets back from her trip.

just driving back to my old place last night gave me chills and tears, remember the good life I had before it got derailed by my actions with my BPD ex.


KC ... .my story in short:

Worked with a girl 12 years younger than me. She pursued me aggressively and i gave in and let something happen that shouldn't have. My wife found out and kicked me out of the house. my BPD ex and i spent the next few months doing things, then i had a change in heart and spent the next four months trying to fix my marriage ... .but while still chatting with my BPD ex, but not doing anything sexual. I really didn't give it my all in trying to save my marriage. In march my ex-wife told me it was over. she was afraid i'd do what i did again. And I can't blame her, tho now with the work I've done on myself I don't think i'd make those mistakes.

In april my BPD ex and i picked things back up and were pretty steady til labor day weekend, the last time she came over. She has a 3-year-old daughter so i'd get to see my ex every other weekend and we'd be together all weekend. We texted all day/night every day. We took trips, beach days, etc. we were really darn close. then she went distant for two weeks. then we talked on the phone and she said she had to work on herself so future relationships meant more to her. and then she was gone. Never saw any rage from her, she just fled.

well, not gone. i see her every day at work. which is just a hoot.

[Anez]

I do check this site semi-obsessively-- which is definitely better than contacting her or checking social media, but still "a thing." Is it for you guys too? People who have been on the board a long time: does our obsession with this site wind down?

I am totally grateful for it-- I've learned so much and feel in such good company with you all    

Yea sometimes I think I come to this site way too often. It's mostly while at work as it gives me an escape when i see or hear her and want to vent or just ready other people's stories to help me. Tho sometimes I wonder if coming here so often hurts me in my recovery as I just keep replaying things while reading other people's stories.

but the site has definitely helped me a lot and given me a place to go when i need help. I'm looking forward to the day when she isn't in my head so much and when I don't need to lean on this site so much because that will mean i'm a lot better than I am now.

but the people on this site are just great people.

[Lexisdad]

I'm really reaching my breaking point. Bpd exgf has been texting since breakup 7 weeks ago. Ive been lc/nc since. Today she texted that she didnt wanna bother me and have a good day. Tonight out of the blue she texts me that she's working overtime saturday night because she has no plans! I'm really beleiving that the big push to get back is gonna start soon. I feel that she realizes she pushed a man who loved her unconditionally out of her life and now is having second thoughts. Why else would she tell me this? I ask her nothing of her personal life ever.

[JSF13]

KC I stay pretty glued to this site. It's an always open tab.

[Rmbrworst]

@Anez

It's interesting isn't it.  You made some really terrible mistakes, but your ex wife of 10 years is still willing to let you take care of the dogs, and she's still willing to have a respectful and cordial (maybe even enjoyable) dinner with you, after all that's happened.   She sounds like a healthy individual to be able to face you and be nice to you after the hurt I'm sure she's been through.

Also interesting for me . . . I cheated on my ex boyfriend (not the BPD one),  although it was only sexually.  Not emotionally.  I told him about the sexual affair and he was sad, and upset.  Oddly enough, I was more upset than him.  I hated myself for what I had done, and I told him how sorry I was for what I had done.  I never had to tell him . . . I told him because I couldn't live with myself.  I couldn't do something like that, and lie to him.

Even though our relationship didnt work out after that . . . we became best friends.  We still hang out and see each other.  We have a great time.  He talks about his new boyfriends and dates and I talk about my "crazy exBPD" to him quite a lot these days.  He's not jealous . . . he listens . . . he offers his insight.  I do the same for him when he talks about his new boyfriend . . . I take interest.  I care.  I do it, because I love him.  It's never gone away . . . it changed and it evolved.

When we broke up . . . we discussed it . . . and after we broke up . . . we discussed it more, and we helped each other through what was a difficult decision.

Odd to me that we both have relationships where we did wrong to our partners . . . and our relationships are actually healthier with them . . . than it is the exBPD we gave our lives to with every fiber of our body and soul.

Lessons have been learned, although they've been hard.

It sounds like your ex wife is someone you should keep in your life (romantically or not).

It sounds like my ex boyfriend is someone I should keep in my life (and will, he's my BEST friend).

It sounds like . . . we need to kick these exBPD partners to the curb, after they lied to us, cheated on us, discarded us, emotionally abused us, devalued us, and the worst for me . . . begged for me and cried for me, stating he was dedicating his LIFE to me . . . to push me away only 12 hours later.

It sounds like to me, we've learned a painful lesson . . . and that is how to recognize healthy love from love that's a one way street.

I'm sorry you had to go through all this, but I'm now thinking in a more positive light, and I feel in the future, we will have healthier stronger relationships no matter who they are with.

Sorry you had a rough night . . . I know how those nights are.  I'm sure we have a few more on our way . ... just less and less of them.

Much love.

[Anez]

Thanks for that post, RMBrworst. I appreciated it.

My ex-wife is a great woman and I got lost for a month and it cost me dearly. I'm glad she and I are still friendly and we'll see what happens when she gets back. If nothing else, I'm glad we're still friends.

[Anez]

I've had a lot of anger for my BPD ex today. Like I want to just yell at her about everything that she/we have done to my life and how she just shut me off then just ignores me all these months after. I want to call her out on everything and just really vent and let her know how much of a piece of you know what I think she is. I want to walk up to her at work and calmly tell her how much I'm angry at her and how much I know how fake she is. I see myself calmly talking her down and explaining how lowly I think of her. I won't to expose her to our friends at work, they all think she's great and the fun girl at work. But she's not.  I want to just make her know what I've gone through in the past four months.

But I won't. Because I'm an adult. I'll let my brain take its time to rewire itself. And I'll sound off here. And I'll vent with my therapist on Thursday.

Because that's how adults do things.

[itgirl]

Hi gang,

I'm still counting-- each day a struggle, but hopefully getting somewhat better. Day 6 NC, Day 13 release with grace. Also day 13 no social media-- which is the hardest thing! I think because it is so easy to do.

I do check this site semi-obsessively-- which is definitely better than contacting her or checking social media, but still "a thing." Is it for you guys too? People who have been on the board a long time: does our obsession with this site wind down?

I am totally grateful for it-- I've learned so much and feel in such good company with you all   

Anez, I'd love to hear your whole story-- did you tell it somewhere? If so could you link to it?

Hi,

Yes it does die down by a lot.  Last couple of years I have been on this site and it helps a lot in the initial stages.  I am detached now and only visit once a week.

Instead of coming here 24/7 I have started a business on the side.  I am living a very full life.  I was so isolated and now my life is FULL.  I feel like a kid again.  It is very important to visit this site till one day you find yourself not logging in so much.  It will come naturally. 

Then there are people who stay here.  That's because they give great advice and are needed in this family.  God Bless!

[kc sunshine]

Hi gang,

Another day NC and no social media yesterday! I was stuck on a plane for four hours so unfortunately I did read our text exchanges since the breakup. Dang. It was less hooking than those other things (social media and/or contacting) since it was all in the past. Have you guys done things like this as well? Look at old pictures/texts? Today is day 7 nc, day 14 release with grace, 3.5 months post-break up. I have a date tonight! Fingers crossed it goes well .

Anez, it sounds like not only is your ex-wife super cool, but also that you must have been gracious or something else good during the breakup for you all to have such a good relationship now. And I love that you will come here and vent your anger rather than to her-- much better for brain rewiring . How did you first start to know that she had BPD if she didn't rage at you? Was it the discard that clued you in?

Rmbrworst, it sounds like you are doing so well! totally inspiring.

And thanks Itgirl for your wisdom about the board-- thank goodness for it, and for all of you <3.

[Lonely_Astro]

It's been a month since the decision was made to "officially" end.  I was 2 weeks NC, slipped up on 13 of Jan, which led to us having some talks.  She was still giving me push/pull behavior, but reconciliation was never discussed.  A few days after that, she had a dozen red roses delivered to her desk, where she blatantly showed them off.  I haven't talked to her since.

For those that don't know, we work together.  It's hard because I'm still reading into everything for a hint of what's going on with her.  I don't want to do it, but I find myself doing it.  She took a vacation day today and my mind has been spinning since.  I imagine she's taking a romantic weekend away with her new suitor, since it's rounding out to the weekend.  That sort of thinking sends me into a tailspin of emotions.  I still can't believe (though I shouldn't be surprised) I've been replaced that quickly. 

I wish she would quit so I wouldn't keep walking in place.  I want answers even though I know they'll never come.

[kc sunshine]

Re: Anger.

I've been feeling more anger too. Hard to know what to do with it. I guess just let it wash over me.

[C.Stein]

Re: Anger.

I've been feeling more anger too. Hard to know what to do with it. I guess just let it wash over me.

Ditto ... .much anger this month.

[Anez]

Because I work with her I get to see her talking it up with other people and having a good time. Every day. that builds the anger. and the past few days the anger level has been high. 

Got a session with my T later today so that should help.

[C.Stein]

Got a session with my T later today so that should help.

I come to this site to manage my anger and other overwhelming emotions.  Oddly it helps.

[Anez]

It's been a month since the decision was made to "officially" end.  I was 2 weeks NC, slipped up on 13 of Jan, which led to us having some talks.  She was still giving me push/pull behavior, but reconciliation was never discussed.  A few days after that, she had a dozen red roses delivered to her desk, where she blatantly showed them off.  I haven't talked to her since.

For those that don't know, we work together.  It's hard because I'm still reading into everything for a hint of what's going on with her.  I don't want to do it, but I find myself doing it.  She took a vacation day today and my mind has been spinning since.  I imagine she's taking a romantic weekend away with her new suitor, since it's rounding out to the weekend.  That sort of thinking sends me into a tailspin of emotions.  I still can't believe (though I shouldn't be surprised) I've been replaced that quickly. 

I wish she would quit so I wouldn't keep walking in place.  I want answers even though I know they'll never come.

I know how those feelings about what she might be doing today feel, Astro. It can be overwhelming. When they pop into my head I try to talk the narratives that i create in my brain down because I can't prove if they're true or not and thinking they are true doesn't do me any good. She could be out with her new suitor or she could be home alone crying in her bed. I know talking those narratives down is easier said than done but you just gotta do your best to push them down as much as you can.

And look at the bright side - you don't have to see her at work today. Which is awesome.

[Lonely_Astro]

It's been a month since the decision was made to "officially" end.  I was 2 weeks NC, slipped up on 13 of Jan, which led to us having some talks.  She was still giving me push/pull behavior, but reconciliation was never discussed.  A few days after that, she had a dozen red roses delivered to her desk, where she blatantly showed them off.  I haven't talked to her since.

For those that don't know, we work together.  It's hard because I'm still reading into everything for a hint of what's going on with her.  I don't want to do it, but I find myself doing it.  She took a vacation day today and my mind has been spinning since.  I imagine she's taking a romantic weekend away with her new suitor, since it's rounding out to the weekend.  That sort of thinking sends me into a tailspin of emotions.  I still can't believe (though I shouldn't be surprised) I've been replaced that quickly. 

I wish she would quit so I wouldn't keep walking in place.  I want answers even though I know they'll never come.

I know how those feelings about what she might be doing today feel, Astro. It can be overwhelming. When they pop into my head I try to talk the narratives that i create in my brain down because I can't prove if they're true or not and thinking they are true doesn't do me any good. She could be out with her new suitor or she could be home alone crying in her bed. I know talking those narratives down is easier said than done but you just gotta do your best to push them down as much as you can.

And look at the bright side - you don't have to see her at work today. Which is awesome.

You're totally right, Anez.  It could be anything but I also feel confident my narrative is closer to the truth based on the co-worker who told me she had taken vacation.  Ultimately, it doesn't matter if she's having romantic getaway or crying in bed: it's not my problem. 

My wounds are still fresh from her because of the time I've spent facing this past year (with myself and my T).  My T says "just forget her" and it's ok to grieve her because she was a significant person in my life.  Was is the key word.  It's difficult, at times, but I also know moving through this pain now saves me a lot of pain later. 

Yes, the bright side is I don't have to see her at all.  It's a tough day for me and I can't lay my finger on "why".  Maybe it's FOG.  Maybe it's something else.  I was ok, until it was said she was on vacation with the allusion that she was off with someone.  I have known this day would come, but I didn't expect it this soon.  I just wasn't as ready as I had hoped I would be.

[Anez]

It's been a month since the decision was made to "officially" end.  I was 2 weeks NC, slipped up on 13 of Jan, which led to us having some talks.  She was still giving me push/pull behavior, but reconciliation was never discussed.  A few days after that, she had a dozen red roses delivered to her desk, where she blatantly showed them off.  I haven't talked to her since.

For those that don't know, we work together.  It's hard because I'm still reading into everything for a hint of what's going on with her.  I don't want to do it, but I find myself doing it.  She took a vacation day today and my mind has been spinning since.  I imagine she's taking a romantic weekend away with her new suitor, since it's rounding out to the weekend.  That sort of thinking sends me into a tailspin of emotions.  I still can't believe (though I shouldn't be surprised) I've been replaced that quickly. 

I wish she would quit so I wouldn't keep walking in place.  I want answers even though I know they'll never come.

I know how those feelings about what she might be doing today feel, Astro. It can be overwhelming. When they pop into my head I try to talk the narratives that i create in my brain down because I can't prove if they're true or not and thinking they are true doesn't do me any good. She could be out with her new suitor or she could be home alone crying in her bed. I know talking those narratives down is easier said than done but you just gotta do your best to push them down as much as you can.

And look at the bright side - you don't have to see her at work today. Which is awesome.

You're totally right, Anez.  It could be anything but I also feel confident my narrative is closer to the truth based on the co-worker who told me she had taken vacation.  Ultimately, it doesn't matter if she's having romantic getaway or crying in bed: it's not my problem. 

My wounds are still fresh from her because of the time I've spent facing this past year (with myself and my T).  My T says "just forget her" and it's ok to grieve her because she was a significant person in my life.  Was is the key word.  It's difficult, at times, but I also know moving through this pain now saves me a lot of pain later. 

Yes, the bright side is I don't have to see her at all.  It's a tough day for me and I can't lay my finger on "why".  Maybe it's FOG.  Maybe it's something else.  I was ok, until it was said she was on vacation with the allusion that she was off with someone.  I have known this day would come, but I didn't expect it this soon.  I just wasn't as ready as I had hoped I would be.

I'm sorry, astro. that just sucks. I know those feelings and they are painful.

My T always says it's ok to just sit with those feelings and just let them run through you and then out of you. It's just all a part of the process that will eventually lead to better days.

Working with our ex's is the worst. never get involved with people from work, folks!

[Lonely_Astro]

It's been a month since the decision was made to "officially" end.  I was 2 weeks NC, slipped up on 13 of Jan, which led to us having some talks.  She was still giving me push/pull behavior, but reconciliation was never discussed.  A few days after that, she had a dozen red roses delivered to her desk, where she blatantly showed them off.  I haven't talked to her since.

For those that don't know, we work together.  It's hard because I'm still reading into everything for a hint of what's going on with her.  I don't want to do it, but I find myself doing it.  She took a vacation day today and my mind has been spinning since.  I imagine she's taking a romantic weekend away with her new suitor, since it's rounding out to the weekend.  That sort of thinking sends me into a tailspin of emotions.  I still can't believe (though I shouldn't be surprised) I've been replaced that quickly. 

I wish she would quit so I wouldn't keep walking in place.  I want answers even though I know they'll never come.

I know how those feelings about what she might be doing today feel, Astro. It can be overwhelming. When they pop into my head I try to talk the narratives that i create in my brain down because I can't prove if they're true or not and thinking they are true doesn't do me any good. She could be out with her new suitor or she could be home alone crying in her bed. I know talking those narratives down is easier said than done but you just gotta do your best to push them down as much as you can.

And look at the bright side - you don't have to see her at work today. Which is awesome.

You're totally right, Anez.  It could be anything but I also feel confident my narrative is closer to the truth based on the co-worker who told me she had taken vacation.  Ultimately, it doesn't matter if she's having romantic getaway or crying in bed: it's not my problem. 

My wounds are still fresh from her because of the time I've spent facing this past year (with myself and my T).  My T says "just forget her" and it's ok to grieve her because she was a significant person in my life.  Was is the key word.  It's difficult, at times, but I also know moving through this pain now saves me a lot of pain later. 

Yes, the bright side is I don't have to see her at all.  It's a tough day for me and I can't lay my finger on "why".  Maybe it's FOG.  Maybe it's something else.  I was ok, until it was said she was on vacation with the allusion that she was off with someone.  I have known this day would come, but I didn't expect it this soon.  I just wasn't as ready as I had hoped I would be.

I'm sorry, astro. that just sucks. I know those feelings and they are painful.

My T always says it's ok to just sit with those feelings and just let them run through you and then out of you. It's just all a part of the process that will eventually lead to better days.

Working with our ex's is the worst. never get involved with people from work, folks!

Yep, it sucks.  I'm just ready to move on.  Never dip in the company ink.  Certainly don't dip in that inkwell when you know the well is broken prior to. 

I hope everyone understands that I don't think pwBPD should be avoided like the plague.  They are people too.  Therein lies the problem.  We, as normal functioning adults, want to help our fellow humans.  Sometimes, that's detrimental to us.  That's where I am right now.  I gave it my best and I tried.  That's all I could've done.

[C.Stein]

Never dip in the company ink. 

I would extend that to neighbors and non-romantic housemates as well (where it applies)

[MapleBob]

20 days today! Miss her a lot, but I'm alright. I think I've been having stress dreams about her, but I can't remember them when I wake up.