My mom was killed last week

[claudiaduffy]

Hello folks,

It's been a few months since I was here - I've been in a place where I had nothing new to process and needed to work on not dwelling on the past abuses of my uBPDMIL and my uBPDM. I am thankful to report that I have gotten a lot stronger (no more checking the recesses of my email box to see if my filters have filtered out any nasty messages from MIL, and I was actually able to fairly safely and healthfully allow my mother to visit me one day this past Christmas season. And it only took about a week to detox from the visit!)

My mother died a week ago. I found out about it the next day, and then found out two days later that it was an intentional homicide. Today, I paid for her cremation, because my father (her estranged husband, who is basically penniless through not being good at being self-employed) couldn't. The investigation into her death is still going on.

I'm in a peculiar land that few can understand, though I know many here can accurately imagine it. I am elated that my mother is gone from this life. I don't know exactly how she died - the police won't release those details yet - and I do hope it was as quick and unexpected as possible. I wouldn't wish a violent death on anyone, but oh, I am so glad that she is no longer living as she was.

I am a Christian who believes that the continuous present working of God in people's minds and hearts changes them - that being a believer is not at all just about going to heaven when you die. My mother, with all her awful disordered ways, was also a believer and there were times when I saw her stop in her BPD tracks in ways that I can only credit to God's work in her. Not huge things, but big enough to be noticeable. She was still sick enough that I never wanted to interact with her at all. But I do believe that the overwhelming love of her creator was willing and able to strip her illness and taint and evil away when she died.

I feel like I gained my mother that day. I wish it hadn't been a murder. I wish they could figure out who did it and why, but not because I need closure - merely because I hope that person isn't en route to killing anyone else. My mom had few real friends (classic BPD style) but she really didn't have any competent enemies that any of us can think of. They are, of course, rather interested in establishing the alibis of a couple of people dear to me who lived near her, and I am trying not to stress about it. I know none of them did it, and that should come out in the wash.

It's such a strange thing, to be free of the hovering weight that was always there coming from my mom - but to have to still deal tactfully and gracefully with all the well-meaning people who are pouring their condolences my way. I'm glad they don't understand, I guess. I hope they never have reason to know what it is like to have the day your mom dies be on your short list of "best days of my life."

[claudiaduffy]

... .I want to add that, besides my personal relief of being unburdened, a large component of why I'm so glad is that my mother was so damn miserable when she was alive here. I know that she is finally, finally able to receive love and give love without hurt or fear or maliciousness or even misunderstanding. What a relief for her to no longer feel lonely, unuseful and deserted!

[ViaCrusis1689]

I am so sorry, what an awful situation. I completely understand what you are saying as I share those Christian beliefs. I am unsure what I can say to be helpful, besides to try not to feel guilty for feeling relieved. I know this is easier said then done. I have felt the same way when thinking how things would be if/when my mother is no longer here.

I hope your mother and family get the justice you all deserve.

[claudiaduffy]

Thank you, ViaCrusis. I don't feel guilty - which, thank goodness I had done so much work on overcoming false guilt this last decade! All that hard work paid off at the time, too, but it feels now like that part of me that had to work so hard to grow up and get healthy has now burst out of its cage and is flying free.

[ViaCrusis1689]

Thank you, ViaCrusis. I don't feel guilty - which, thank goodness I had done so much work on overcoming false guilt this last decade! All that hard work paid off at the time, too, but it feels now like that part of me that had to work so hard to grow up and get healthy has now burst out of its cage and is flying free.

I'm glad... .I don't think I am there yet, so I am happy for you, especially given the current situation. It's wonderful you know she is finally free and that is a comfort for sure.

[Woolspinner2000]

Claudiaduffy,

Good to see you stopping by and for you to share with us your loss-so many of us can understand.

Please let me offer my sadness at your loss. A loss is still a loss, and I can relate in many ways to the things you said.

I'm in a peculiar land that few can understand, though I know many here can accurately imagine it. I am elated that my mother is gone from this life.

My mother, with all her awful disordered ways, was also a believer and there were times when I saw her stop in her BPD tracks in ways that I can only credit to God's work in her. Not huge things, but big enough to be noticeable. She was still sick enough that I never wanted to interact with her at all. But I do believe that the overwhelming love of her creator was willing and able to strip her illness and taint and evil away when she died.

When I lost my uBPDm unexpectedly 3 years ago, while I was sad, the comfort was also in knowing that, like your mom, my mom was finally free. I had come to the conclusion several years earlier that she would never be at peace until she died and found peace with the Lord. My sister said that my thoughts often comforted her, for she also realized the truth that mom's release from her fight with mental illness would be done.

In my own life, there was also the gift given to me of finally being able to start the work on healing after she died. May you be at peace, and may your mom also truly rest in her final place of peace with the Lord.

 

Wools

[Kwamina]

Hi Claudiaduffy,

She was still your mother and in spite of everything that happened, losing a parent is still a very significant life event. I want to offer you my sincere condolences for your loss. I am sorry your mother died in such a horrible way.

I do understand where you are coming from when you say your mother is finally free. She was mentally ill which was a huge burden for you and most definitely also for her. Her suffering has ended now. This realization can give some comfort as you mourn the loss of your mother. I can imagine that this can still be particularly difficult because even though you are relieved that she is free, her death also means losing the last bit of hope that one day the loving 'fantasy' mother would emerge from the BPD mother. That day unfortunately did not come, then again the thought of her illness and taint being stripped away in those last moments, in a way does redeem your mother. I hope viewing your mother this way will bring you some comfort

[busybee1116]

It's such a strange thing, to be free of the hovering weight that was always there coming from my mom - but to have to still deal tactfully and gracefully with all the well-meaning people who are pouring their condolences my way. I'm glad they don't understand, I guess. I hope they never have reason to know what it is like to have the day your mom dies be on your short list of "best days of my life."

I'm certain I will have a similar relief. I often wonder how I will manage the well-meaning condolences. Curious to know how you are responding? I'm assuming I'll just smile and say thank-you. I'm sorry you didn't have the mother you needed and I'm happy you are both now free!

[Notwendy]

I am sorry for the loss of your mother.

My mother wBPD is alive, and we have a strained relationship. I was her black child for most of my childhood. My commitment to her is also in the more religious sense. She is my mother, and I choose to honor that relationship ( but with boundaries and not being co-dependent). From that perspective, we do get along, although I don't consider her a parent, in the relationship sense- the way I see what being a parent is.

But my father was my Dad, and I adored him. When he died, I felt orphaned. I was truly despondent. But in addition to feeling despondent, I felt a sense of freedom. It was strange to feel both.

He and my mother were a pair.We children were on the drama triangle with them. Mom could manipulate me through Dad- behave or I will upset your father. If I upset mother, Dad would get angry at me. I wanted his approval so badly, I would do anything for that- and that meant appeasing mother. What was difficult when he was ill that I didn't want to add to the pain he was in, and so, I felt controlled by my mother so she would not upset him.  I had long since gotten to a place where she could not hurt me, but she could still upset him and seeing that happen was traumatic.

When he died, I felt a strange sense of freedom. She could not hurt him! It felt like chains were gone- for the first time since I was a child- always wanting my fathers love and fearing his anger and disapproval of me. Since much of that was instigated by her- it was over.

And yet, I was also despondent. My only parent was gone, and I miss him.

[claudiaduffy]

... .I had come to the conclusion several years earlier that she would never be at peace until she died and found peace with the Lord. My sister said that my thoughts often comforted her, for she also realized the truth that mom's release from her fight with mental illness would be done.

In my own life, there was also the gift given to me of finally being able to start the work on healing after she died. May you be at peace, and may your mom also truly rest in her final place of peace with the Lord.

 

Wools

I'm so glad that this was also a gift you held, though I am sorry for your sadness. 

[claudiaduffy]

I can imagine that this can still be particularly difficult because even though you are relieved that she is free, her death also means losing the last bit of hope that one day the loving 'fantasy' mother would emerge from the BPD mother.

You know, Kwamina, much of the healing work I've been doing over the past couple of years has been "giving up hope" about that fantasy mother. I actually don't think of it as giving up hope, so much as learning to hope something different. The hope that I embraced was that, although my mother was never going to change before her death, her life and death (and, I firmly believe, life after death) were and are still meaningful even without any great growth or change in her here. There really is no loss for me, except the loss of a certain kind of unhappy stability - this murder investigation business is NOT fun and it's forcing me to have to interact with other disordered people in my family - but the peace I feel at my mother's leaving of this world is second only to the peace I know in my marriage. There is not one shred of sadness or feeling of bereavement in me. And not a giddy, adrenaline-rush exultation either - just a profound and deep gratitude and joy.

[claudiaduffy]

I'm certain I will have a similar relief. I often wonder how I will manage the well-meaning condolences. Curious to know how you are responding? I'm assuming I'll just smile and say thank-you. I'm sorry you didn't have the mother you needed and I'm happy you are both now free!

It depends on the person trying to console me. My aunt - who was closest to my mom and really does miss her - keeps trying to mother me, and I am trying to be kind to her while making myself not very available to her. She's a little less messed-up than my mom was, but I have no wish to enter a closer relationship with her. But I also don't want to ruin my mom's memory for her, either.

Others... .well, friends that I value, I tell the truth to (if they don't already know it - some do.) I tell them that I had been at peace with my mom in recent years, but only at great personal cost and pain, and that I am greatly relieved that I no longer have to sustain that relationship and am only happy for my mom's new freedom and my own. People who are mere acquaintances - I just smile, say thank you, and change the subject.

[claudiaduffy]

When he died, I felt a strange sense of freedom. She could not hurt him! It felt like chains were gone- for the first time since I was a child- always wanting my fathers love and fearing his anger and disapproval of me. Since much of that was instigated by her- it was over.

And yet, I was also despondent. My only parent was gone, and I miss him.

Notwendy, I am so sorry to hear of your loss and sadness when your dad died. I have assumed my whole life that my mom would outlive my dad (she came from very hardy stock; despite all the awful illnesses her parents and grandparents had/have, they all lived at least into their early 90s and some into their 100s) and have long dreaded my dad's death because of the very things you mention. Never did I expect it would happen the other way around for me.

I send you several hugs and some quiet sunsets.

[Notwendy]

Thank you Claudia. It has been a while, but it was truly a terrible moment for me. The finality of it- even though I was grown, I felt like an orphan. I thankfully have my own family, and my father's family, but my mother's FOO is estranged from me. It felt very much that the family I had was over.

The freedom came from nothing left to lose with her, because my emotional attachment was to my father. I have maintained a relationship with her, by choice.

I think you did the right thing to arrange for your mother's burial. This was a way to honor her.

[Harri]

Hi claudia.  I understand the sense of relief and peace you talk about.  I also felt a quiet joy and deep gratitude that it was over.  Unlike you, there is still a part of me that longs for the kind of mother I did not have.  I do feel a deep sadness at the life she had and I still hope her spirit learned the lessons she wanted and needed to learn.  The cynic in me says she did not, tho I am aware that it is not for me to make that judgement. 

I thought it was important to allow others who did feel grief at her death to express it and share that so I never said anything about how sick she was and I think that is why it never bothered me when people offered condolences.  People are going to respond based on their own experiences, bias and filters.  Their sense of shoulds and their own needs and expectations will drive them.  I am okay with that.

The way we feel on the deaths of our disordered parents is, unfortunately a reality and the direct result of a lifetime of abuse.  I will not pretend or feel bad for being honest here.

I am very sorry as to the manner of death your mother experienced and like you , I hope i t was quick for her.   I hope the case is solved quickly.

Much love to you Claudia.   

[Notwendy]

It is a good point to consider that others are not aware of how we children feel or experienced.

People connected to my mother noticed that it was odd that I was not comforting her at my father's funeral, but I didn't have the emotional capacity to deal with her then. I couldn't even sit next to her. Then, afterwards, when people rallied around her, I went off by myself.

Not that I was even thinking at the time. I was actually in a state of despair, but I knew that she was not in a place to offer me any comfort ( and did not or has not) and that the best thing for me was to do what was best for me at the time, not be around her.

The other side of this is that, the other people wanted to comfort her and that is what they did. It was not up to me to try to inform them of the reason why my relationship with her was not typical.

I even considered not attending the funeral. Once my father was gone, I didn't even want to see anyone there. But then, some relatives on my father's side decided to attend and so I went because I feel connected to them.

I cried for months afterwards and the only family members I heard from were on my father's side. They would call to see how I was. Not one word, not a card, or even an e mail or text from my mother's FOO. At first this felt hurtful, but it showed me a lot about who they are.

Ironically, I began to feel sorry for my mother, growing up in this family and also could understand how invalidated she must have felt as a child. Her FOO seems to not be empathetic, and I suspect she felt very hurt at times.

[Beacher]

So sorry for you loss.

May you both find peace at last and remember the love you shared, in whatever form it was.