Adult Daughter With BPD - I can't cope anymore

[bopeep]

Hello,

My daughter is a 40 year old woman with dx BPD.  Over the years she has done everything from drugs, alcohol, lying, all the way through to promiscuity endangering her own life.  She's faked suicide attempts, faked being dead for my sisters and no one in our huge family can cope with her anymore.

I had her at 16 after being raped as a virgin.  I married at 22 and had 5 other children; all of which are healthy, happy and productive adults.  None of them have contact with her despite years of trying.

She has 6 children of her own but after 3 failed marriages is only left with one child. 

Personally,I have an illness that is debilitating and am in a wheelchair which makes my life very limited, but it's her behavior in telling me I am not being a mother to her and never have been.  She's so utterly cruel and cutting with her words, cares for no one else but herself.  Then she changes and is sweet as a rose.  It never lasts, and I don't expect it to anymore. 

I am not permitted one day to go without contacting her to prove my love - when I do this and manage to keep up I end up extremely sick but happier for having made her happy, then whilst I am going out of my way to give her attention she starts ranting and raging about how useless I am as a mother.  Add in a lot of expletives and I'm sure many will know of the style of behavior she acts out.

I'm either all black or all white.  I can't win, and today I had chest pains after a raging phone call from her.

Seeing her happy would be my dream come true, but at this moment in time I cannot feel my usual mother love for her.  I don't like what she does to the family, other people or to me.

She refuses psychiatric help and brags she can outdo any of them.

Is this going to be all her life and my end?  I'm at the end of my coping mechanisms, but feel selfish in even voicing it.  But what's the point in being here if I'm not honest?

Any advice is so welcome.  At 56 I feel 99 years old and worn out.  I love her dearly, but at the moment I don't like her much. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kairorose]

Hello

I can understand what ur going through in a way. My bf has BPD and it is extremely exhausting emotionally and physically and mentally. Unfortuantely without help and insight, they can not change nor can we force them. They must do it for themselves. Maybe u as a mom can practice more self care and boundaries so u dont get burned out  i am trying to do that as I prepare to leave the relationship as I see no change in him, its been 3 years. I love him so much, but in the end I have to love myself more. I cant imagine what its like for ppl that MUST stay in the relationship, such as family members, spouses, etc... .must be daunting but stay here and keep getting support and advice!

[Eyeamme]

Hi Bopeep,

I have a 34 year old uBPD. I know how hard it is. I believe that you have to take care of yourself. We can only do so much. Reading as much as you can on how to communicate with her will help. I am no contact with my daughter. I couldn't handle the rage anymore.

Stick around. Lots of support here.

[donnab]

Hi bopeep   I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I can totally understand how you feel as I have got to the point recently (after about a 2 month period of my dd22 being ill) where I have felt I don't want to have contact with her anymore. I love her, of course, but the impact on my health has been great. I have been reading "Stop caretaking the BPD/Narcisisst and end the drama" and it has really helpful so would recommend that.

In the end I don't think I will go NC but I am having a break right now for my own sanity. I believe there is a middle road where we can put in boundaries that keep us safe and enables us to have a relationship with our child.

I have similar difficulties with the level of contact my dd wants and I think it is for me to decide how often I want contact and then communicate that with my dd. She won't like it because I am thinking 2 phone calls a week while she wants 30+ communications a day. I think that when your dd starts manipulating you - and that is what it is when she is telling you what a terrible mother you are when you are trying your best and doing things for her - you should tell her clearly you are ending the conversation as you won't be made to feel bad when you are not doing anything wrong. Then end the conversation and do not call again/answer calls until the next day. Over time she will get the message.

Honestly the book I have recommended really is helping with this and the section I am now moving into is about strategies on how to do this.

You can take back control of your life and sanity but it is frightening because these behaviours are ingrained in you as much as they are her. But you can separate your happiness from being so tied up in her and then you will see you can be happy even if someone you love is desperately unhappy. It does not follow just because your dd is so unhappy so should you be. We have to realise we have but one life and it is our responsibility to live the best life we can, as much as it is your dd's responsibility to work on her own life. You also have the right to decide who you want/don't want in your life and that also includes your adult children.

You can do this x

[Huat]

Hello Bopeep:

After reading your post, I couldn't wait to log in, put my fingers on this keyboard and welcome you to the forum.

To be a survivor of rape (not a victim!)... .at such an early age... .then to carry through and be the loving mother of the conceived child is indeed commendable.  You went on to marry, enveloping that child in a family with siblings and it is wonderful to read those siblings are "happy, healthy and productive adults."  What a tribute that is to you!

In reading your post, though, it seems you carry so much guilt and that makes me sad.  Your daughter's treatment of you is unacceptable.  I am sure she has seen this guilt in you and that has helped to feed her anger.  She knows your weakness.

I am wondering if you have ever sought out counselling... .especially for yourself.  Sometimes we need that for ourselves... .having someone listen to US... .getting validation... .then moving on to being more emotionally healthy and balanced.

Sadly, I have had to cut off relations with my daughter.  (Mind you... .a window has been left ajar... .telling her we would next meet in a counsellor's office.)  It has been 40 years of trying and her verbal abuse escalating.  We have been told that her verbal abuse could well turn to physical abuse and our age is against us.  I feel confident in knowing I have done my best and will continue to do so.  I have no problem in saying I love my daughter and I always will ... .but... .I don't like her.  Those are two totally different emotions.

You, Bopeep, showed great strength after that traumatic experience when you were young.  It is within you to get that strength and confidence back again.

I hope we hear more from you.  Many are reading your posts and sending out hugs... .me included.

[mggt]

So sorry to hear what you are going through  .All of us on this board have hard similar situations and it seems to just get worse no matter what we do, say, or not say and is never good enough  My d has 2 children 2 different dads gd 5 gs 2 she uses them as pawns against us and has since day one,  we have been nc many many times one time for a year with out seeing our gc especially our gd .  i dont know why i still get upset , hurt and cry ,  She cant change it is a mental disorder in her brain.  She just reunited with her birthmom  (we adopted her at 5 days old)  That is another whole story she thinks birthmom walks on water knowing all the things her birthmom did while pregnant with our d   drugs , smoking, drinking and evertyhing else .  But that is what BPDs are.   Cant understand the people that have taken care of them  I am trying to learn to live without her because she cant change only we can .  Every time we see here which isnt much i have to take a zanax because i get so anxious .  I see my gd 2 days week and gs one day .  We just see her briefly when we drop off or pick up grandchildren   Personally to hard for me to be around her to much drama, anger, and negativity my poor grandchildren say a prayer for all of our children   Take Care of yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever your feeling and no guilt   hugs mggt