Can't play computer games anymore? Dissociation tactic no longer working?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

All my life until my first breakup with BPD ex, I have been an avid gamer. I used to love role playing games like the elder scrolls, games with a big huge story and you had freedom of choice, where to go and what to do.

My skyrim save file reads 220 hours of gameplay.

Since my first breakup with BPD which happened july of 2014, I have not played any games. I bought fallout 4 and played it for 20 minutes, was not enjoying it and turned my xbox off.

I belive that I used to use video games to dissociate, and go into a fantasy land where i could be the hero, and where I had purpose.

But since my breakup, discovering i was codependent, accepting my abusive childhood, i just can't find any enjoyment in these games anymore, they seem like a waste of time.

Anyone else experienced anything like this?

[Infern0]

All my life until my first breakup with BPD ex, I have been an avid gamer. I used to love role playing games like the elder scrolls, games with a big huge story and you had freedom of choice, where to go and what to do.

My skyrim save file reads 220 hours of gameplay.

Since my first breakup with BPD which happened july of 2014, I have not played any games. I bought fallout 4 and played it for 20 minutes, was not enjoying it and turned my xbox off.

I belive that I used to use video games to dissociate, and go into a fantasy land where i could be the hero, and where I had purpose.

But since my breakup, discovering i was codependent, accepting my abusive childhood, i just can't find any enjoyment in these games anymore, they seem like a waste of time.

Anyone else experienced anything like this?

[fromheeltoheal]

Anyone else experienced anything like this?

Yes, and that's the good news Inferno.  I used to go to bars and drink, and what that has in common with video games is they are both ways of distracting ourselves from what's really going on (dissociate as you call it), granted video games are healthier than going and getting drunk.  But really, those were primitive coping mechanisms, ways we found on our own to deal with what was going on for us, and now that we've become more self aware thanks to our experience with a borderline, a person extremely skilled at shining a spotlight on what's really going on with us, where the cracks are, those coping mechanisms don't work so well anymore, and that's the good news, we're ready for higher levels of skill.  And this time, instead of distracting ourselves, which worked at the time and we need to give ourselves credit for it, but instead of that we can now dig deeper and resolve those issues so there's no need to distract anymore.  How good does that feel?

And we can be careful and not blame the vehicle either.  Drinking in moderation or playing video games can be fun and enjoyable and it's not the activity, it's why we're doing it that matters; fun recreation or an escape?

[Sunfl0wer]

I belive that I used to use video games to dissociate, and go into a fantasy land where i could be the hero, and where I had purpose.

But since my breakup, discovering i was codependent, accepting my abusive childhood, i just can't find any enjoyment in these games anymore, they seem like a waste of time.

This makes complete sense to me and I think it is pretty neat that you are able to make this connection. 

Similar to Fromheeltoheal, my main way of disconnecting from my environment during the relationship was drinking.  I imagine the reason is because while drinking, I could still remain physically present while making dinner, and tending to other family obligations, and still feel somewhat not present. 

While I am no longer drinking in excess, I do find myself accidentally dissociating at times, in other ways, and still am working on this.  I imagine this will be an ongoing process for a bit.

You say that your perspective on gaming has changed and it now seems like a waste of time.  Would you mind sharing what you rather be doing than gaming?  Where have you shifted your focus to these days?

[Euler2718]

those were primitive coping mechanisms, ways we found on our own to deal with what was going on for us, and now that we've become more self aware thanks to our experience with a borderline, a person extremely skilled at shining a spotlight on what's really going on with us, where the cracks are, those coping mechanisms don't work so well anymore, and that's the good news, we're ready for higher levels of skill.  And this time, instead of distracting ourselves, which worked at the time and we need to give ourselves credit for it, but instead of that we can now dig deeper and resolve those issues so there's no need to distract anymore.  How good does that feel?

Hmmm. I take hikes, exercise, ride bikes, play tennis ... .go to work of course... .in my head she's still there while I'm doing these things. If video games are primitive, what's less primitive? What am I supposed to do to grow?  I've been reading this website to keep me strong. I also started going to a bible study twice a week.

[fromheeltoheal]

those were primitive coping mechanisms, ways we found on our own to deal with what was going on for us, and now that we've become more self aware thanks to our experience with a borderline, a person extremely skilled at shining a spotlight on what's really going on with us, where the cracks are, those coping mechanisms don't work so well anymore, and that's the good news, we're ready for higher levels of skill.  And this time, instead of distracting ourselves, which worked at the time and we need to give ourselves credit for it, but instead of that we can now dig deeper and resolve those issues so there's no need to distract anymore.  How good does that feel?

Hmmm. I take hikes, exercise, ride bikes, play tennis ... .go to work of course... .in my head she's still there while I'm doing these things. If video games are primitive, what's less primitive? What am I supposed to do to grow?  I've been reading this website to keep me strong. I also started going to a bible study twice a week.

The word "primitive" can be a little provocative, so try "beginning" instead.  We don't feel good, we try something, it works, we cope, that was the point, so we keep doing it.  And if the coping tool we've found is an escape, like video games and alcohol can be, then although that works in that we don't feel a negative emotion, there are other ways, but let's give ourselves credit for finding something that worked.  And that also doesn't mean there's anything 'wrong' or 'bad' about video games and alcohol, they're just vehicles, methods, and the reasons we're turning to them are what matter.

I don't know your story tim, but hikes, exercise, ride bikes, tennis, work and bible study are all healthy choices, healthy methods of coping, and it's up to you to decide if you're using any of them to escape.  Really, the best way out of a negative emotion is to feel it all the way, feel through it, there is no around, under, over or away from, there's only through, and as you do that you can educate yourself here and with books, get professional therapy if you need it, process, learn and grow, and take steps towards the life of your dreams, one step at a time.  What you wouldn't be doing is trying to escape the emotion, and as you go through it, your perception of her, the relationship and yourself will likely change, as you become a more aware, better version of yourself, the ultimate gift of the relationship.  Take care of you!

[Infern0]

I belive that I used to use video games to dissociate, and go into a fantasy land where i could be the hero, and where I had purpose.

But since my breakup, discovering i was codependent, accepting my abusive childhood, i just can't find any enjoyment in these games anymore, they seem like a waste of time.

This makes complete sense to me and I think it is pretty neat that you are able to make this connection. 

Similar to Fromheeltoheal, my main way of disconnecting from my environment during the relationship was drinking.  I imagine the reason is because while drinking, I could still remain physically present while making dinner, and tending to other family obligations, and still feel somewhat not present. 

While I am no longer drinking in excess, I do find myself accidentally dissociating at times, in other ways, and still am working on this.  I imagine this will be an ongoing process for a bit.

You say that your perspective on gaming has changed and it now seems like a waste of time.  Would you mind sharing what you rather be doing than gaming?  Where have you shifted your focus to these days?

Well a lot of my spare time goes on research and trying to repair the codependency. reading, listening to audiobooks, watching youtube videos from Richard Grannon or Lisa Romano, I am pretty much constantly aware of it.

The good news is I feel i have made great progress in this area, not all the way there, but getting there. I am aiming to go back to school at the end of this year, and i want to do as much self work as i can before undertaking that.

Other hobbies include going to the gym, that's really about all, I don't feel really ready to get back into big scale socialising or dating yet, I think those are down the road for me. It may be important to note that my last interaction with BPDex was only one week ago, although i've done a lot of self work while involved with her, I feel i need a substantial period of NC now.

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you for sharing other areas of focus.  I also do spend a lot of time with self help materials either online, audible, etc.  The issue with that for me is that I have an especially hard time not dissociating during reading and researching.  Pretty much anything sedentary seems to have a dissociating affect for me.  I can end up realizing that I spent an hour researching when I really needed to get something done 40 mins ago.

I am better at remaining present while either intentionally exercising or moving in some way for what I am doing.  Also easier to stay present when others are around and I'm socially engaged in some way. 

Sort of like you feeling the hero in your gaming, while I exercise I feel pleased and have good feelings about myself during and after.

[Infern0]

Thank you for sharing other areas of focus.  I also do spend a lot of time with self help materials either online, audible, etc.  The issue with that for me is that I have an especially hard time not dissociating during reading and researching.  Pretty much anything sedentary seems to have a dissociating affect for me.  I can end up realizing that I spent an hour researching when I really needed to get something done 40 mins ago.

I am better at remaining present while either intentionally exercising or moving in some way for what I am doing.  Also easier to stay present when others are around and I'm socially engaged in some way. 

Sort of like you feeling the hero in your gaming, while I exercise I feel pleased and have good feelings about myself during and after.

What helps for me is to kill two birds with one stone.

I use audible too and that's my main source of self help now, otherwise i download youtube videos as mp3's.

I put these on my phone and listen to them while i'm doing cardio, go for a long walk etc.

I set it an alloted time and don't go over, or like you i could be doing it all day

[Fox Mulder]

Hey Infern0.

I probably don't have any deep insights to share with you. I just wanted to say that I'm going through a similar issue. My BPD breakup, after four years together, happened in August of 2014. I used to be an absolute lunatic of a gamer. When I wasn't sleeping, in class, or at my job I was gaming. I sunk a ton of time into games like Elder Scrolls, Fallout, Mass Effect, and Dragon Age. I probably logged an insane amount of time on World of Warcraft.

I dated some girls very casually, and I had an idea of what calm and rational love was. Then I met my ex, and of course, it seemed like the most perfect and most intense love ever. She seemed absolutely fascinated by everything I did, including gaming. I remember her laying on my bed on her stomach, kicking her legs, watching me play games like it was the most engrossing thing she had ever seen. After I was done playing, she would literally jump on me and tell me that watching me play had turned her on. It was mind-boggling. I loved it, but it still never made sense.

After she cheated and left for the other guy, I lost 95% of my interest in games. As you said, it kind of feels pointless. I still love them, theoretically, but I don't play them nearly as much anymore. When a new game comes out - like Fallout 4, Witcher 3, Tomb Raider - I buy it and put in a week's worth of 30 minute sessions and then drift away from it. I used to be able to get immersed in these virtual worlds, but since the breakup I just feel constantly aware that I'm just looking at images on a screen. I can't lose myself in games anymore.

I don't know how much of that is the relationship's fault. Maybe it was the way she acted like she adored playing games with me, but after the breakup I realized it was just mirroring - telling me what I wanted to hear, idolizing me - or pretending to. Before her, gaming was a thing I did with my old high school friends, but with her they became something I did with my very best friend and the person I loved most in the whole world. To find out that it was all an act - it shook me. It changed the way I watc movies, read books, listen to music, and play games.

Maybe one day I can enjoy them like I used to. Or maybe the whole BPD relationship experience robbed me of some sort of innocence I used to have, and I'll never play games like I used to again. Who knows.

[Vatz]

Hey Infern0,

I know all too well what you mean. It's funny too because my breakup was around '14. I still kept gaming afterwards for a while but right now I'm where you're at.

I might hop on for a bit, but then I just get so incredibly bored and just either read stuff or binge on Netflix.

"Oh, I want to play this type of character. No wait, maybe this type. Or hmm... .let's optimize so-and-so. Aw that other dude looks cool, I'm gonna make mine like that." It was an endless process of playing something, then starting over to get it "Just Right." I mean, I'd eventually finish a game or two. But not a lot. Out of the... .Jesus probably hundred or so games I've played. I finished maybe five. Five.

Anyway, who the hell knows what the reason was for my need to play. Or my poor attention span, indecisiveness and "re-roll-itis." I think deep down after a point I never really enjoyed it so much as it satisfied a need to create ideal conditions, or whatever psychobabble motivation.

The sad part was that some of them had a good story that I liked. But constantly re-rolling sort of ruined the experience because I'd have seen the first half a dozen times, and by the time I'd get to the good stuff I was no longer invested. You know, because I skipped all the other stuff because it wasn't new, and the flow had been broken. I think literally the only game I ever beat where I didn't ONCE scrap and re-roll was Mass Effect 3, I was using an imported save. You wanna know what happened? I actually enjoyed it and it was a good tearjerker. Very bittersweet.

Nowadays, I'm far more interested in my own personal progress. Leveling up MYSELF. I hit the gym, I check the scales, I do tape-measures, and I track the time it takes to finish a mile. It's so much more satisfying to see even little bits of progress because they just push me to keep going until I reach my goal. I plan on starting to date seriously again once I reach them, which forces me to work hard because I only have so much time before the wells dry up and all the good ones are gone. I have to be better looking than the ones I go after, because we all know that the "boss" is SO much easier when you out-level them. Life's difficulty is NOT scaled to player level.  

I don't know about you, but when I do play; I sometimes get an odd almost out-of-body sort of feeling. I can sometimes see myself just sitting in front of the screen, playing something while feeling time painfully pass by. Whenever that happens, and it happens A LOT nowadays, I just put it all down and sorta start rethinking my life.

Don't get me wrong, if I end up dating a gamer, it would be pretty awesome. But that's only because we'd have a lot in common, and I happen to like me with all my quirks.

[gotbushels]

"Can't play computer games anymore? Dissociation tactic no longer working? "



Infern0, it sounds to me like you had two reasons to play. First, enjoyment, second, as "dissociation tactic". If you separate these two reasons, it becomes more natural to explain your feelings.

Enjoyment: If you don't like the game, maybe you got bored, hence, less enjoyment. You don't have this reason to play anymore. It becomes less appealing. Games being "lousy" or "unappealing" to your preferences would affect this category.

Dissociation tactic: If you are no longer with a pwBPD, you no longer have that painful source from which you would "dissociate". You don't have this reason to play anymore. It becomes less appealing. You don't have anything to "escape" from anymore, so a method of escape outright no longer has a point.

You'll see this is in line with what fhth said:

And we can be careful and not blame the vehicle either.  Drinking in moderation or playing video games can be fun and enjoyable and it's not the activity, it's why we're doing it that matters; fun recreation or an escape?

You are the user, player, and the one interacting with the game. The two reasons for use lie with you.

Here, notice you said:

But since my breakup, discovering i was codependent, accepting my abusive childhood, i just can't find any enjoyment in these games anymore, they seem like a waste of time.

If you don't have to "run" from any of these other things, there's simply less contributing to the second reason. You mentioning these things indicates acknowledgement, acceptance and description, which are first steps to handling difficult things. If you can handle something, you've got less reason to run from it.

If you truly want to dig deeper, I suggest looking here would be helpful:

I belive that I used to use video games to dissociate, and go into a fantasy land where i could be the hero, and where I had purpose.

You have 200+ hours on Skyrim, which is a modern RPG, with highly immersive qualities. "Non" traits include hero playing. Fallout 4 would seem naturally suited to you. Release dates were Skyrim (11/2011) and FO4 (11/2015). Playing hero seems to have had more appeal to you in 2011 than 2015. Did a significant hero-related event occur IRL between 2011 and 2015? 


By the way, games today is a term you have to be specific with. These are all very different games: <EDIT> hopscotch, gambling, video games, Olympic games. If you want to make sure you're understood, you have to further distinguish Donkey Kong from something like Witcher 3. They are in the same family, but are completely different animals. If you don't, you run the risk of a label of games being "primitive".

Good luck!