Hi Eyeamme,
I think when using validation it is key to validate the valid and only the valid. Another thing to keep in mind is to always remain true to yourself, also when validating another person:
Let's first look at the importance of being true and authentic to ourselves. If we can't be true and authentic, we are sacrificing ourselves for the benefit of another, and we are most likely enabling another person's dysfunction. This helps no one.
For these reasons, validation is never about lying, it is not about being ruled by the emotions of others, and it is not letting people "walk all over us". We never want to validate the “invalid”.
Validating someone's thoughts, feelings, or beliefs does not necessarily mean we agree, overall, with what they are thinking, or feeling, or with their behavior.
So, the first thing to learn in validating others is to be able to identify something to validate in a "sea" of conflict that is both valid and important to the other person.
There are basically two parts to validation:
"Finding a validation target and mirroring it back from the other person's perspective (empathizing) is the crux of effective validating. There are two critical steps here. Finding the target. Empathizing with the other person."Marsha Linehan provides several tips that can help us validate without just 'regurgitating' what the other person just said
Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology at the University of Washington, has identified six helpful tips for validating:
Be Present and Open Turn off the TV, step away from the computer, or stop washing the dishes, and lean forward and show you are paying attention and carefully listening. Hear the facts, nod your head, ask questions - take it all in before starting to form an opinion or evaluate (judge).
Accurate Reflection Communicate back that you've heard the other person accurately, and without bias. This can be done by repeating what the person said, though it can be better to paraphrase so you don't sound like a parrot. Proves that you are listening to what the other person is saying.
Reading Between the Lines / Mindreading Create a hypothesis about what you believe the other person is trying to say but maybe "not" expressing it well. You can narrow this down by asking a question - guessing and asking if ___________ is accurate.
Validating in Terms of Personal History or Biology We are an amalgamation of what has happened in our lives. On some level, based on our history, our actions make sense. If we ever lived through a tornado, for example, we would have a higher response to the warning sirens than others. Letting the other person know that their behavior makes sense based on their past experiences shows understanding. Our physical problems also influence how we behave. A person who has a bad back has difficulty sitting for long periods of time. Making reference to their limitations shows understanding and empathy.
Normalizing It helps to communicate that others would have the same response, where we can authentically say this. When we normalize what people are feeling we find a way to communicate that the experience is being human, that anyone in the same situation would feel the same way. We avoid shaming or giving the message of being defective. This is powerful. Of course, there are things you shouldn't normalize, such as suicidal behavior. Don't normalize behavior that is not normal.
Radical Genuineness Be completely (radically) genuine. To be radically genuine is to ensure that we are not remedial and we don't marginalize, condescend, or talk down to the person you are trying to validate. And we don't want to treat them as fragile or any differently than you would treat anyone else in a similar situation.
How do these tips sound to you? Is there anything in there that you think can help prevent you from just 'regurgitating'?
On a more serious note, you raise a very important point here about how to use this technique without sounding condescending. That is also what the last tip from
Marsha Linehan is about: Radical Genuineness.
