I feel like such a weakling

[Depression = 72% of members]

As in, I feel like such a weakling because I had a five-week thing with a BPD girl, she was trying to break up with me (off and on) for almost the entire time, I ignored it because I thought I could be patient and it would go away, she finally came up with a way out that I didn't dispute, she wants to have no contact, we're no contact two months almost now.

But I'm still walking around (3 hour hike today) and while I'm walking around I'm rehearsing things I could've said, things I could've done different, making her cry with the truth (a fantasy that leads to reconciliation and change), and future dealings fantasies (I made her promise to call me in a year but until then no contact).

It's in my head all the time or much of the time. I think January is better than December -- I say that because it's still in my head, but I'm not all teary-eyed and having crying jags and such. I feel like with all the stuff I've been through (before this) I should just be able to get over it by now.

I am committed to feeling everything, though -- I cry when I cry and don't intend to ever shove it down deep, that seems to be the opposite of growth.

It just seems that it was 5 weeks and by 5 weeks of NC I should be healed. I don't want to tell anyone I know in real life because I'm ashamed to have so much difficulty.

[Euler2718]

As in, I feel like such a weakling because I had a five-week thing with a BPD girl, she was trying to break up with me (off and on) for almost the entire time, I ignored it because I thought I could be patient and it would go away, she finally came up with a way out that I didn't dispute, she wants to have no contact, we're no contact two months almost now.

But I'm still walking around (3 hour hike today) and while I'm walking around I'm rehearsing things I could've said, things I could've done different, making her cry with the truth (a fantasy that leads to reconciliation and change), and future dealings fantasies (I made her promise to call me in a year but until then no contact).

It's in my head all the time or much of the time. I think January is better than December -- I say that because it's still in my head, but I'm not all teary-eyed and having crying jags and such. I feel like with all the stuff I've been through (before this) I should just be able to get over it by now.

I am committed to feeling everything, though -- I cry when I cry and don't intend to ever shove it down deep, that seems to be the opposite of growth.

It just seems that it was 5 weeks and by 5 weeks of NC I should be healed. I don't want to tell anyone I know in real life because I'm ashamed to have so much difficulty.

[Euler2718]

Plus, I know that so many of you have gone through so much and my story is so small. I don't know how people can stand having it end after like 10 years of marriage or whatever -- the depth of my losses would wash over me and I couldn't handle it.

[FannyB]

Hey - don't beat yourself up buddy. There is no time limit on grieving, and what you're feeling is genuine hurt - irrespective of the length of your relationship. Many of us on these boards have experienced births, deaths and marriages - and nothing has had the same effect as a bewildering BPD break-up! 

Keep reading, posting and asking questions. You'll get there in the end - even if it doesn't seem like it now.


Fanny

[Lexisdad]

I agree with fannie,

The aftermaths of these breakups are devestating to us nons. I'm 8 weeks out from breakup after a 6 year relationship and still find myself even today in tears. I can reiterate that nothing comes close to the aftermath of these affairs. When you read about pwBPD and you see every one who's been thru it telling you to get out and run before you are left an empty shell you can not comprehend it. Well now having lived thru it i can totally agree. Nothing compares to the pain and heartbreak and i've been thru alot in my lifetime. We are all here for the same reason. Even today my BPD ex is still texting me and i'm still bewildered of why seeing you broke up a day before an ivf pregnany implantation and engagement and told me she hated me.