Fought, listened, lying here sick - I really thought we would, someday -

[Modron]

build a life together. I mean, why would we not? Heh, trying to bring logic, practicality, building, growth, to a BPD relationship: my first mistake. My wife is dealing with multiple stressors from loss right now. It's making our relationship harder. For better or for worse the enitity in her life that seems to be split is "The Universe" which alternatingly is either going to be the source of great riches that are going to fall from heaven, or it's out to get her. (I'm really glad I'm not split. I cannot begin to express how much. ) She cannot see the role she plays in her own life. She does not see her choices or consequences. It's like she's a leaf swept up in a raging river current. I feel so badly for her, but I get angry and frustrated at the part where she hates herself too much to save herself. And then she gets mad at me because I won't, and can't, do it for her. Like she has the opportunity to make career changes with retraining that is available for her, but she resents the way it presented itself, so why should she do it? Ummm, because it's there. It's a good thing.  And, I cannot pay off your debt, because I don't make enough money. I never will. Either you'll step up and help, or I have to let go, or you will take us both down with you.

At least, for now, she seems to have realized she has nowhere else to go. I'm not dealing with her running out and running away, so that I'm trying to figure out where she's gone, if she's okay, if she's coming back, what I should do to make it better.

She's also coming from a past relationship with a narcissistic, drug addict exhusband (she worked her ass of doing for him, btw), so being with someone whose approach to life is "No really, we pay our bills before we spend $300 on our friend's birthday present." is a completely new concept.

Sorry, rambling, hurt, frustrated - especially by the toll it takes on my health and my ability to do the job that, actually, provides us with a roof over our heads and food in our bellies.

Still, so glad I'm not split black right now. I'm dealing with irrational thinking, but at least I'm not taking a beating at the same time.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sweetheart]

Hi modron

Despite the rant  I can hear that there are positives and some good insightful comments from you.

It sounds like your focus on what is real and what is achievable in your relationship maybe preventing her from splitting you black. Sometimes being honest and focused on where things are at keep everything grounded practically and emotionally.

Are there any specific areas you would like some help to improve ?

[waitingwife]

Hi All,

Thanks so much for helping me stay grounded un thr midst of all this. So after validating H last night, we had a great morning and Incould feel his guard going down... Then when he texted me the list of things we needed for the house if I went to the sore, one of the items was my make-up stuff so I texted back saying I have enough of it, thanks it was really very nice of you to think about me. So then we texted quite a bit after and I validated little things and truly did it from the bottom of my heart. So again he texted me in the way back home from work if we can have a glass of wine and unwind and I said okay coz I had efused day before coz I was not in the mood for it because my emotional state was still all crazy stuck in the "why" mode. With all of your help, I could keep my focus on the goal, i.e. our relatiinship and our family and fought against my logical self and started the validation process. Atleast now we're a bit more open to communication and civil. I don't know if he's still going to talk about what happened between us last week! I'd really like for him to talk & communicate with me and I feel like having a plan together will give me some closure and more motivation to really close this & move on... .But I guess part of these lessons is I should not expect that? But that makes me unhappy to not be able to talk and move on... Please help me understand how can I take care of my emotions here? I have never handled this right and I really want to this time... .Taking baby steps and hoping I'll get there in time!

[waitingwife]

Sorry the above message got posted in the wrong thread, it doesn't beling here and I'm unable to delete it.

[JohnLove]

Hello Modron. I can empathise very much with your post. I didn't read any rambling in your post. It was all about your predicament and your feelings.

I am faced with the exact same behaviour you describe from time to time  and I am riding them out with compassion and understanding.

I am having difficulty with the constant running away in all it's forms. The impulsive spending simply leaves me shocked at times.

Hang in there and do the best you can, because that is all you can do... .but while doing that take care of you. Make you your No.1 priority.

Cheers, my friend.