I need space, but feel too guilty

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I recently was given some information about emotional abuse, and the effects it can have on the victim. I realized that I have been suffering from emotional/verbal abuse from my BPDbf. I am so depressed that I can not work.

I think that I need to be away from him, in order to get my self back. I love him, and he is so upset by my trying to separate, that it is making it impossible for me to have any internal peace, either with or without him.

I know that the abuse is part of his illness, and I wish I could separate myself from what he says about me. (Which I know is codependent), but being with him is crushing my spirit. So it's not healthy for me. But when I try to separate it makes him worse. So I suffer for that.

I am just so confused.

[zuki1111]

I recently was given some information about emotional abuse, and the effects it can have on the victim. I realized that I have been suffering from emotional/verbal abuse from my BPDbf. I am so depressed that I can not work.

I think that I need to be away from him, in order to get my self back. I love him, and he is so upset by my trying to separate, that it is making it impossible for me to have any internal peace, either with or without him.

I know that the abuse is part of his illness, and I wish I could separate myself from what he says about me. (Which I know is codependent), but being with him is crushing my spirit. So it's not healthy for me. But when I try to separate it makes him worse. So I suffer for that.

I am just so confused.

[unicorn2014]

I recently was given some information about emotional abuse, and the effects it can have on the victim. I realized that I have been suffering from emotional/verbal abuse from my BPDbf. I am so depressed that I can not work.

I think that I need to be away from him, in order to get my self back. I love him, and he is so upset by my trying to separate, that it is making it impossible for me to have any internal peace, either with or without him.

I know that the abuse is part of his illness, and I wish I could separate myself from what he says about me. (Which I know is codependent), but being with him is crushing my spirit. So it's not healthy for me. But when I try to separate it makes him worse. So I suffer for that.

I am just so confused.

Hi Zuki,  I am in a long distance relationship, however I was able to take a step back from my relationship after many weeks of being advised to do so by board members. I can tell you what is has done for me is it has allowed me to take a step back from the fighting and arguing. My partner hasn't changed at all, he's still using the same tactics to try and engage me in conflict however now I have more of a choice about whether or not I respond to it because I am less engaged. I don't know what your living situation is. Are you living with your boyfriend?

Also the guilt feeling could come from something called the FOG that people with BPD use to try and control others. Have you ever heard of this phenomenon?

[Suzn]

Hello zuki1111  

I'm sorry you're going through all of this with your boyfriend. It would be difficult for anyone who is feeling depressed to separate themselves from their loved on lashing out. There are specific communication skills that are necessary to help make things better (and not make them worse) when dealing with a loved on with BPD. We can help you with those. Here's a quick video to better explain more:   Ending the Cycle of Conflict.

Also the guilt feeling could come from something called the FOG that people with BPD use to try and control others. Have you ever heard of this phenomenon?

FOG=Fear, Obligation and Guilt. FOG is something that WE do.   FOG can effect our actions and decisions. For example we may fear spending time with family or friends because our loved one doesn't like it and they get upset. If we are fearful of our loved one being upset we may decide it's easier for US to not spend much time with friends and family. This is our decision. Having good boundaries around how we chose to live our lives without our decisions being made in this FOG is key to our well being.

You can read more about FOG here: Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

I know that the abuse is part of his illness, and I wish I could separate myself from what he says about me. (Which I know is codependent), but being with him is crushing my spirit. So it's not healthy for me. But when I try to separate it makes him worse.  

Click on Step 2 "Take a step backward", on the top, right side of your screen --->

This technique is very helpful when you are needing some emotional space.

How are you coping with this depression zuki1111? Taking care of you is important.

I'm looking forward to hearing more of your story.  

[Lucky Jim]

Hey zuki, No wonder you are depressed if you are the victim of your BF's emotional/verbal abuse.  No, it's not healthy for you, as you note.  On some gut level, you already know what you need to do.  As you put it:

I think that I need to be away from him, in order to get my self back.

I suspect that's an accurate statement.  I once lost myself in a marriage to a pwBPD and it was not fun, believe me, to forget who I was.  I nearly destroyed myself.

There's nothing wrong with trying to be happy and, if that requires you to separate from your BPDbf, there's no need to feel guilty.  You are not responsible for the well being of another adult.

LuckyJim

[zuki1111]

Thank you all for your help and support. I know I am using FOG thinking, but I don't know how to break it. One thing that adds to my inability to leave him is that I realize that this is an illness, and he can't help it. That makes me want to excuse the way he acts. I feel sorry for all the things that have happened to him to make him the way he is now. He even has PTSD from his 30 year marriage. And having a relationship with me seems to trigger that. Which, unfortunately, leads to the abuse. I know he is abusing me in many ways, and it is affecting me. But I keep thinking my separating from him is making him worse. And that I am stronger than him. I was when I met him, but I am losing that since being with him.

See my problem? I know what I should do, take care of myself, but I can't do it because of codependence.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, zuki, May I remind you that you didn't cause him to get BPD; you're not responsible for his disorder; and you can't cure his BPD.  I admire your noble sentiments and willingness to self-sacrifice in a codependent way, but at the end of the day no one is going to give you a medal for being a martyr.  Driving yourself into the ground does no good to anyone, in my view.

The way to break out of the FOG thinking is to recognize the manipulation while it's happening.  Pause, and ask yourself if he is using fear, obligation or guilt to get his way.  I suspect you know on a gut level when he is twisting your arm in some fashion to get you to do something you really don't want to do.

Are you afraid of his reaction if you say no or refuse his request?  If so, that in my view is a red flag.   

LuckyJim

[zuki1111]

Thanks, I do know when FOG is present. I read on another message thread that FOG is something we decide for ourselves, as opposed to thinking of it as something they do to us. That seemed a helpful way to look at it.

My problem is not that I am trying to be a good person, or be a martyr, It is that I love him, I have an emotional response to his pain, that makes me feel really bad when I am causing it, or I should say, adding to it. He, of course, uses that to try to control me, by saying it doesn't seem like love... .etc. He twists the knife of my pain at hurting him, and yes, I feel guilty.

I am not afraid of him. I am afraid for him. That is my dilemma. How to leave when I know it feeds his problems. When I have tried so hard to help, not hurt him.

[Lucky Jim]

OK, let me ask you this:  Do you think you are helping him?  Sad to say, often we Nons exacerbate the problem.  For example, I used to cover for my BPDxW all the time.  Now I don't think it was healthy for me or for her for me to shield her from the consequences of her own actions.  I'm not saying you are doing this, zuki, but you may be engaging in other care taking or enabling behavior, which I understand is something you do out of love, yet I'm suggesting that you may be unintentionally making things worse.  Do you apologize to him when he treats you poorly?  Do you blame yourself when he gets angry?  Do you find that, no matter what you do, it is "never enough"?

LuckyJim

[HopefulDad]

My problem is not that I am trying to be a good person, or be a martyr, It is that I love him, I have an emotional response to his pain, that makes me feel really bad when I am causing it, or I should say, adding to it. He, of course, uses that to try to control me, by saying it doesn't seem like love... .etc. He twists the knife of my pain at hurting him, and yes, I feel guilty.

You do not cause his pain, nor add to it.  When that sinks in, you will have much more clarity on doing what's best for you.

[Lucky Jim]

Like how you put that, HopefulDad.   

[zuki1111]

I definitely do not apologize for things he does, although he does often blame me for everything.

He is very low functioning right now (he blames his ex for the PTSD he has) and he has not been able to work since I have known him. When we met, he told me about his ex and PTSD, and that he could not work and just needed time to recover. (She had left him 3 years ago, and he had not had a chance to recover because all his energy was spent trying to survive. I believed that he would get better once he had a stable loving situation. He still has no income (he had a little money when I met him, from selling his business).

When I try to separate from him, he accuses me of finishing the job she started.

So a concern I have is that he has no income, also no friends or family that will speak to him except his NPD mother who is no help. He has become completely dependent on me (Codependent).

Once he called me from the grocery store and said, "I can't figure out what to buy" for himself to eat.

I did not create the BPD, the pain of his abusive childhood, or the PTSD from the way his ex left him. But I am creating the pain of my leaving him. And since throughout our r/s he has accused me of not loving him, I have tried and tried to prove my love, and because of that, he says the whole r/s was my idea, and my choice.

He is really in bad shape. He just started therapy with someone who he and she thinks can really help him. Which he thinks should give him the right to have me.

[Suzn]

Love does not cure ptsd or BPD. It's true that a pwBPD having a healthy support system in place can increase their ability/their chances to recover. A support system is more than one person. For example it can include a therapist, a partner, family, friends, a support group, etc... .We can't be someone's complete support system when we have a tendency to want to save them or when we know we trigger unhealthy dependency or when we find we might have some unhealthy dependency (or codependence) on our side of the street. The goal for healthy relationships is interdependence. It's good to hear your bf has reached out to a T. He has taken a step towards building a healthy support system. His T (therapist) will likely be the best person to help him sort through his options for other support. I.e. his relationship with his mother and looking at his financial standing.

Did I read correctly in another thread that you aren't living together? How is this working out?

What does your support look like aside from your support group? Have you considered working with a T with all you've been up against? Do you spend time with friends or family?

[zuki1111]

Yes, I have a therapist helping me, which is how I realized that things he was doing were abusive to me. And I realized that I have to do something to stop allowing that in my life. I also have a sister and friends, but they are biased against him, and think I should/can just leave him.

So, I didn't completely move out of the house we share (We each have our own room). I just packed a backpack of what I need, and have not slept there in 2 weeks. We have been seeing each other, and texting, but I have told him that I do not want to live with him right now. Because I am undecided about what to do, and felt like I needed space to think. I have a few places I can stay, but no good option of a place to live. And right now I am also supporting him, because he still can't work. He says he is trying, and he is going to therapy 3 times a week with a therapist that is very good with PDs. Although he does not think he has one. My therapist recommended her, because she realized that he has one.

So I have been struggling with the question of what to do. I love him, but I don't know if I can be happy in a r/s with him.

[Lucky Jim]

I love him, but I don't know if I can be happy in a r/s with him.

Hey Zuki, That's a perceptive observation that I suspect many here will find familiar.  Sad to say, love doesn't conquer BPD, in my view.  I loved my BPDxW, but living with her was hell, so I had to move on.  Plus, abuse eventually extinguishes love in my experience.

LuckyJim

[Rabbit04]

I love him, but I don't know if I can be happy in a r/s with him.

Hey Zuki, That's a perceptive observation that I suspect many here will find familiar.  Sad to say, love doesn't conquer BPD, in my view.  I loved my BPDxW, but living with her was hell, so I had to move on.  Plus, abuse eventually extinguishes love in my experience.

LuckyJim

So true, Jim.

Zuki, I'm kind of where you are right now too, but I can tell you when I was able to distance myself from my uBPDbf, its really helped me "start" to see things a bit more clearly. Emotional abuse is really tough to see sometimes until you're already in pain and screaming in frustration. It almost seems to come on in a very stealth way.

It helped me to listen to friends and family members because they can often times see things that you're too muddled to see. I felt like my very head was caught up with all of "his" pain and rage. I couldn't even process my own.

Stepping away has been helping me.

[zuki1111]

Stepping away has helped me too.

One thing I have realized, is that I have become over sensitive to anything I perceive as negative. I have always been sensitive, but my emotional state has become more and more unstable since I get involved with my BPDbf. That is why I moved out when I realized that the symptoms I was experiencing can be the result of living in an emotionally abusive relationship.

When I have no contact (hours, not days yet) I feel like myself. Yesterday morning I felt great. Until he contacted me at 5 pm by text. He made one remark about something I had done, that sounded critical to me, and I became very upset, where upon, after asking me what he had done to upset me, when I told him, that upset him, and he started throwing his usual abusive statements about me.

I know the obvious conclusion is that we should have no contact for more than hours at a time. Days maybe. I don't know if I am strong enough to do that, and enforce it, since I know he will not like it. (Actually, not know, assume). Maybe he has had enough of this fighting and would also welcome a break. I think I need to try it and see what happens.

Wish me luck in being able to stick to what I want, in the face of someone else wanting something else from me. That is my biggest problem in life.

[C.Stein]

Thanks, I do know when FOG is present. I read on another message thread that FOG is something we decide for ourselves, as opposed to thinking of it as something they do to us. That seemed a helpful way to look at it.

I look at it as a state of mind brought about through interaction with another person.  The FOG would not be present if it were not for your interaction with your BF.  It has taken me many months for the FOG to clear somewhat, but 6 months after being discarded I still feel I am in the FOG somewhat.  I do however see things much clearer now whereas before I refused to or couldn't see certain things.

Identify what triggers this FOG within yourself so you can consciously deal in a healthy manner and thereby avoiding the FOG, at least for the most part.