Email from the ex

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Infern0,

           I don't know if i should be writing to you or not, i think you hate me and i understand if you do. I was trying to do the best thing for you even if you dont agree or understand it. You have been the closest person in my life and for a long time. You know me better than anyone and you know my past and how hard it is for me to open up to anyone. I told you things i never told anybody, and we have been close for longer than i have been with anyone.

I know I push you away, i've done it and i know sometimes you push me away too. I know that a lot of things have happened which have made everything so hard. The truth is i don't know what i think and what i feel, it's so hard for me because i love you and i want to be with you and i know that if we were i know ho good it would be but i find it so hard to just let myself be happy. Sometimes i blame you or i push you away and it made sense when you told me that makes you feel bad. I get that and i have to let you know that it's not you. i know that sounds so cliche but you are everything i want. I've told Anna this so many times that you are everything i want and when she met you she thought you were amazing too and she doesn't understand why we cant make this work.

You have to do what is right for you because i dont know what i can offer and if i can make you happy like you deserve. I have got onto a waiting list to go back to my psych which i havent been in 2 years. You have been there through so much and i want you there forever but if that's not going to be good for you then i need to let you go and be happy. I wish i can just make the bad stuff go away and for us to just be happy but i dont no how?

You dont have to respond i just wanted you to know these things

Love

BPDex

[Infern0]

Infern0,

           I don't know if i should be writing to you or not, i think you hate me and i understand if you do. I was trying to do the best thing for you even if you dont agree or understand it. You have been the closest person in my life and for a long time. You know me better than anyone and you know my past and how hard it is for me to open up to anyone. I told you things i never told anybody, and we have been close for longer than i have been with anyone.

I know I push you away, i've done it and i know sometimes you push me away too. I know that a lot of things have happened which have made everything so hard. The truth is i don't know what i think and what i feel, it's so hard for me because i love you and i want to be with you and i know that if we were i know ho good it would be but i find it so hard to just let myself be happy. Sometimes i blame you or i push you away and it made sense when you told me that makes you feel bad. I get that and i have to let you know that it's not you. i know that sounds so cliche but you are everything i want. I've told Anna this so many times that you are everything i want and when she met you she thought you were amazing too and she doesn't understand why we cant make this work.

You have to do what is right for you because i dont know what i can offer and if i can make you happy like you deserve. I have got onto a waiting list to go back to my psych which i havent been in 2 years. You have been there through so much and i want you there forever but if that's not going to be good for you then i need to let you go and be happy. I wish i can just make the bad stuff go away and for us to just be happy but i dont no how?

You dont have to respond i just wanted you to know these things

Love

BPDex

[fromheeltoheal]

So how does that make you feel Inferno?

[Infern0]

Confused.

Is it an attempt to gaslight me?

Is it an attempt to "keep me on the backburner"

Or is it genuine?

I really don't know/

[Rmbrworst]

The letter is actually nice.  It shows her taking responsibility, and apologizing.  It sounds like she is admitting she has issues and is seeking treatment for it.

Not sure how you're feeling or what you want to do with this information, but much love to you either way.  

Just keep in mind (as you already know), they tend to do this over and over again.  Cycling is a b*tch

[fromheeltoheal]

Confused.

Is it an attempt to gaslight me?

Is it an attempt to "keep me on the backburner"

Or is it genuine?

I really don't know/

I agree with Rmbr that it is a nice email and shows some self awareness, vulnerability, openness and ownership of responsibilities.

Although written communication is missing most of the actual "message".  One thing to consider is would she or could she ever say those things to you when you were together in person, in a congruent way, meaning the words, the tone of voice and the body language all align so you'd believe her?

It's easy for us to say it's real or it's all a lie, a manipulation designed to affect an attachment with you, but you know her and have been with her in person: could she tell you that stuff live?  Did you ever have conversations like that?

[Wantingtochange]

Mine would alwaya use this approach after a break up, a long time had passed, and she wanted me back. I believe that she felt that way (what she said in her messages) each time she did. But as we all know those thoughts and feelings never last. She may be sincere but in my case it wasnt working out with her ex so she needed me. She would send them to me when her guilt And shame were in overdrive. It never never never has lasted though and she's in DBT.

I know and understand the confusing thoughts and feelings when you get these messages. But you also know what the high probable outcome will be.

[Infern0]

Confused.

Is it an attempt to gaslight me?

Is it an attempt to "keep me on the backburner"

Or is it genuine?

I really don't know/

I agree with Rmbr that it is a nice email and shows some self awareness, vulnerability, openness and ownership of responsibilities.

Although written communication is missing most of the actual "message".  One thing to consider is would she or could she ever say those things to you when you were together in person, in a congruent way, meaning the words, the tone of voice and the body language all align so you'd believe her?

It's easy for us to say it's real or it's all a lie, a manipulation designed to affect an attachment with you, but you know her and have been with her in person: could she tell you that stuff live?  Did you ever have conversations like that?

She finds it very difficult to talk about deep stuff in person so most likely not, she can say this stuff in a message or even on the phone but yeah, in person not so much.

[JRT]

Curious: how long had it been since you last communicated?

[Nextinline]

Confused.

Is it an attempt to gaslight me?

Is it an attempt to "keep me on the backburner"

Or is it genuine?

I really don't know/

InfernO

It takes a lot of effort and emotional maturity to write something like that.

Believe that it is genuine and believe that is how she really feels. She may be having a moment of clarity where she can speak from her heart and be mindful of how she behaves.

My exuBPDgf has said the same thing to me on multiple occasions recently and all of them have been face to face. Her emotions were evident and she was, to the best of her ability, being genuine and honest and taking ownership.

Your ex seems to be taking ownership.

The challenge for you and for me, for that matter, is the extent that we can believe them and trust that they will have the strength to recognise their behaviours and keep them in check such that they become far more reasonable and logical people.

Believe what she says to be her truth.

[Infern0]

Confused.

Is it an attempt to gaslight me?

Is it an attempt to "keep me on the backburner"

Or is it genuine?

I really don't know/

InfernO

It takes a lot of effort and emotional maturity to write something like that.

Believe that it is genuine and believe that is how she really feels. She may be having a moment of clarity where she can speak from her heart and be mindful of how she behaves.

My exuBPDgf has said the same thing to me on multiple occasions recently and all of them have been face to face. Her emotions were evident and she was, to the best of her ability, being genuine and honest and taking ownership.

Your ex seems to be taking ownership.

The challenge for you and for me, for that matter, is the extent that we can believe them and trust that they will have the strength to recognise their behaviours and keep them in check such that they become far more reasonable and logical people.

Believe what she says to be her truth.

Ok well on that basis I have some thinking to do

[fromheeltoheal]

Confused.

Is it an attempt to gaslight me?

Is it an attempt to "keep me on the backburner"

Or is it genuine?

I really don't know/

I agree with Rmbr that it is a nice email and shows some self awareness, vulnerability, openness and ownership of responsibilities.

Although written communication is missing most of the actual "message".  One thing to consider is would she or could she ever say those things to you when you were together in person, in a congruent way, meaning the words, the tone of voice and the body language all align so you'd believe her?

It's easy for us to say it's real or it's all a lie, a manipulation designed to affect an attachment with you, but you know her and have been with her in person: could she tell you that stuff live?  Did you ever have conversations like that?

She finds it very difficult to talk about deep stuff in person so most likely not, she can say this stuff in a message or even on the phone but yeah, in person not so much.

That's pretty common really, sometimes it's easier to say heavy stuff in writing, but if the written her sounds like an entirely different person than the spoken her, the written one isn't very reliable, yes?  I actually liked the written version of my ex, she was nice and funny, the live one, not even close.  JRT has a good question, how long has it been since you've heard from her?

[Infern0]

Confused.

Is it an attempt to gaslight me?

Is it an attempt to "keep me on the backburner"

Or is it genuine?

I really don't know/

I agree with Rmbr that it is a nice email and shows some self awareness, vulnerability, openness and ownership of responsibilities.

Although written communication is missing most of the actual "message".  One thing to consider is would she or could she ever say those things to you when you were together in person, in a congruent way, meaning the words, the tone of voice and the body language all align so you'd believe her?

It's easy for us to say it's real or it's all a lie, a manipulation designed to affect an attachment with you, but you know her and have been with her in person: could she tell you that stuff live?  Did you ever have conversations like that?

She finds it very difficult to talk about deep stuff in person so most likely not, she can say this stuff in a message or even on the phone but yeah, in person not so much.

That's pretty common really, sometimes it's easier to say heavy stuff in writing, but if the written her sounds like an entirely different person than the spoken her, the written one isn't very reliable, yes?  I actually liked the written version of my ex, she was nice and funny, the live one, not even close.  JRT has a good question, how long has it been since you've heard from her?

It was like a week of NC which isn't a lot.

I tend to feel like she is being genuine when she says this sort of thing, i just think that she can't hold herself together for any length of time and that's the problem, she's got million other options for supply not just me but she always comes back to me, always

[Rmbrworst]

How many times have you cycled? 

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Know how you feel.  Truly love my ex, but could never trust anything.  It's sad we would all love for these ex to really change. 

[Infern0]

How many times have you cycled? 

3 proper ones.

The first two was pretty ignorant about the situation, the last one was a bit more aware of things, so things went a bit better

[cosmonaut]

You know her better than any of us, Infern0, but this sounds very genuine to me.  I hear a real struggle to understand herself and why she feels the way she feels.  And I hear both the longing and the shame.  It sounds very BPD.

Why are you reluctant to accept it as genuine?

[Infern0]

You know her better than any of us, Infern0, but this sounds very genuine to me.  I hear a real struggle to understand herself and why she feels the way she feels.  And I hear both the longing and the shame.  It sounds very BPD.

Why are you reluctant to accept it as genuine?

It's not so much accepting it as genuine, perhaps it is.

What am i supposed to do about it though? She's telling me how she feels but she's not exactly asking for anything or giving me any indication of what she wants me to do, it just makes me more confused than before.

I can't "abandon" someone in this state can I, but then what exactly am i supposed to do?

[once removed]

im a little bit contrarian in my reading of this email.

genuine and vulnerable, yes. but what is the point of the email? is it just an airing, a confession; as she says, she just wants you to know these things? the last paragraph makes that very unclear and its very unsure of itself; its also the most important part of the email. it relies on your interpretation and it frankly puts the responsibility on you.

You have to do what is right for you because i dont know what i can offer

if that's not going to be good for you then i need to let you go and be happy. I wish i can just make the bad stuff go away and for us to just be happy but i dont no how?

so, Infern0. what is right for you?

[Infern0]

im a little bit contrarian in my reading of this email.

genuine and vulnerable, yes. but what is the point of the email? is it just an airing, a confession; as she says, she just wants you to know these things? the last paragraph makes that very unclear and its very unsure of itself; its also the most important part of the email. it relies on your interpretation and it frankly puts the responsibility on you.

You have to do what is right for you because i dont know what i can offer

if that's not going to be good for you then i need to let you go and be happy. I wish i can just make the bad stuff go away and for us to just be happy but i dont no how?

so, Infern0. what is right for you?

EXACTLY

and this is where the conundrum for me lies.

I feel it is a set up, she's indirectly asking me to either try again or to "stick by her" or something of that nature, but giving me the out.

If/when it all goes wrong she can say "i didn't ask you to give me another chance"

See the problem here.

[cosmonaut]

It's not so much accepting it as genuine, perhaps it is.

What am i supposed to do about it though? She's telling me how she feels but she's not exactly asking for anything or giving me any indication of what she wants me to do, it just makes me more confused than before.

I can't "abandon" someone in this state can I, but then what exactly am i supposed to do?

I can appreciate that.  It's not an easy decision.

I think she's being honest with you.  That's my gut feeling, but what she's saying has the ring of truth.  And she's telling you that she does love you, but she doesn't know if she can be with you.  She's struggling to understand why and she's trying to get some professional help to look into these sorts of things about herself.  That's a very positive direction for her.  She's also telling you that she has no idea when she will be better.  And she's clear that she doesn't want to make you unhappy in waiting for her when she has no idea when or even if she may ever be able to have a relationship with you.

That's hard news to hear.  I heard something quite similar from my ex when she broke up with me.  Honestly, it broke my heart.  So, I can really appreciate how hard it is to come to grips with what she is saying.  It sure was for me.  And I think it's hurting your ex too.  I hear genuine sadness in what she is saying, Infern0.  I suspect that this is hurting her more than we can understand.  I think she truly does feel terrible about hurting you.

As to what you want to do, well that's something only you can decide.  It's not something you have to decide right now and it's not something you can't change your mind about later.  And of course, everyone is here for you.  My personal advice: listen to your gut.

[once removed]

See the problem here.

yes. im not even in your situation and ive imagined half a dozen different responses already. however, i think seeing it that way (focusing on reading between the lines of her indecisive communication as opposed to deciding whats best for you) is being as indecisive as she is.

im not prompting you to make a decision on the relationship, though. im prompting you to focus on what you want, and how you want to communicate that. maybe set the relationship aside. do you want to support her as she goes through this? you can do that if its truly what you want to do and you feel able, emotionally. personally, if thats the way i were leaning, id ignore all other aspects of her email, maybe ask her to clarify how you can support her as she goes through this. there might not be a clear answer, but i suspect she will elaborate on that email.

[cosmonaut]

I don't hear a recycle at all in this.  In fact, exactly the opposite.  There is no baiting here.  No seduction.  No candying the hook.  This is a letter that is all about her inability to form a lasting relationship.  I'm actually quite impressed with her candor and self awareness.  I think she's digging deep.  I don't hear indecisiveness.  Rather, I hear deep confusion about why she feels the way she feels, and why she acts the way she acts - which is perfectly understandable.  She's explaining as clearly and honestly as she can.

[Infern0]

See the problem here.

yes. im not even in your situation and ive imagined half a dozen different responses already. however, i think seeing it that way (focusing on reading between the lines of her indecisive communication as opposed to deciding whats best for you) is being as indecisive as she is.

im not prompting you to make a decision on the relationship, though. im prompting you to focus on what you want, and how you want to communicate that. maybe set the relationship aside. do you want to support her as she goes through this? you can do that if its truly what you want to do and you feel able, emotionally. personally, if thats the way i were leaning, id ignore all other aspects of her email, maybe ask her to clarify how you can support her as she goes through this. there might not be a clear answer, but i suspect she will elaborate on that email.

I have told her before that I would support her if she gets help, and I would try my best.

It's conditional though, if she is going to be serious about getting help and sticking to it and making it a priority then yes i'll support her

if she's going to put it off, or go once and then quit, and be hitting the clubs on a weekend with pictures of her with drunk losers fondling her appearing on facebook then no, she can get out of my life

[once removed]

Infern0, that sounds like your support is conditional upon your idea of how she should live her life, according to you. if her doing those things would pain you, you do not have to participate; your feelings matter here and youre not obligated to participate in what is her recovery. its why i suggest you examine whether you are emotionally able to do this.

what does supporting her look like, to you?

[Infern0]

Infern0, that sounds like your support is conditional upon your idea of how she should live her life, according to you. if her doing those things would pain you, you do not have to participate; your feelings matter here and youre not obligated to participate in what is her recovery. its why i suggest you examine whether you are emotionally able to do this.

what does supporting her look like, to you?

Emotionally no i'm not able to do that because i'm emotionally connected

I guess that's the only capacity i'd be able to support in.

I have a life and i deserve happiness, i've put myself last too much already, i can't do this anymore

[apollotech]

Infern0,

That sounds genuine and sincere to me. I think she is being quite honest with you about her not knowing why she does certain things or feels certain ways.

But, unfortunately, she is caught up in her own magical thinking (quoted below):

I wish i can just make the bad stuff go away... .

If BPD could be "wished away" none of us would be on these boards. I hear a lot of sadness, remorse, reflection, candor in her writing. What I don't hear is a commitment to do something about herself. Seeing a T is a good sign, but the work needed to recover will be timely and difficult, and it will have to come from her. You know her, is she the type of person that has the disposition to make that type of commitment and follow through with it? If not, then it'd just be another recycle.

[Turkish]

Infern0, that sounds like your support is conditional upon your idea of how she should live her life, according to you. if her doing those things would pain you, you do not have to participate; your feelings matter here and youre not obligated to participate in what is her recovery. its why i suggest you examine whether you are emotionally able to do this.

what does supporting her look like, to you?

Emotionally no i'm not able to do that because i'm emotionally connected

I guess that's the only capacity i'd be able to support in.

I have a life and i deserve happiness, i've put myself last too much already, i can't do this anymore

Simply, then don't.

I agree with everyone that it sounds sincere. I don't see anything like gaslighting here. It sounds like she's being honest.

Is there anything wrong with being kind? I would say no, quite the opposite. If you choose to respond, you can be BIFF, but validating and kind, not giving a large target which will likely trigger you both. Friendliness from a distance with good boundaries.

[once removed]

I have a life and i deserve happiness, i've put myself last too much already, i can't do this anymore

i couldnt agree with you more. i would not encourage you to put yourself in a situation that is going to cause you pain, or even one youre generally uncomfortable with. it helps to clarify goals and boundaries and it sounds like youre doing that.

Emotionally no i'm not able to do that because i'm emotionally connected

okay. good clarity. thats why its important for you to clarify what supporting her in that capacity means, in every aspect. physically, actively speaking, what does it look like? what are the boundaries? thats a mostly rhetorical question as you named a few, but how involved in supporting her do you get, and at what point does it come at your expense? is a committed relationship the goal? is it part of the terms of support? perhaps hardest of all, if in the process of you supporting her she decides that it is best not to be a couple, how will that impact things? is your idea of support what is truly best for both of you?

if you havent read it, this link may help in terms of what to expect: https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

[Infern0]

I have a life and i deserve happiness, i've put myself last too much already, i can't do this anymore

i couldnt agree with you more. i would not encourage you to put yourself in a situation that is going to cause you pain, or even one youre generally uncomfortable with. it helps to clarify goals and boundaries and it sounds like youre doing that.

Emotionally no i'm not able to do that because i'm emotionally connected

okay. good clarity. thats why its important for you to clarify what supporting her in that capacity means, in every aspect. physically, actively speaking, what does it look like? what are the boundaries? thats a mostly rhetorical question as you named a few, but how involved in supporting her do you get, and at what point does it come at your expense? is a committed relationship the goal? is it part of the terms of support? perhaps hardest of all, if in the process of you supporting her she decides that it is best not to be a couple, how will that impact things? is your idea of support what is truly best for both of you?

if you havent read it, this link may help in terms of what to expect: https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

The ethics of this situation are driving me insane, i don't have any idea of what is right or wrong. To support, well considering the emotional attatchment I feel as though we would have to be "together" or at least working to that end. I love her, so I can't "be there" for her if she is going to get involved with other guys, that would be extremley unhealthy.

I want to give emotional support, and be a sounding board or whatever she needs, but as I say i guess it's transactional, "boundriless giving"  isn't healthy.

[Driver]

It does sound sincere, cuz it always is. Be it negative or positive.

I had almsot exactly the same e-mail from my ex. I know it's genuine. The only problem is, that few days or weeks later she can paint you all black and cover with insults thinking every one of them. Then again, after awhile you'd receive again a genuine e-mail to tell you how sorry she is. It's a neverending circle unfortunately.